


Once Upon a Dissension

by Bisabis, PeregrineWilliams



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adaptation, F/M, based on anastasia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-12 09:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 93,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/810129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bisabis/pseuds/Bisabis, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeregrineWilliams/pseuds/PeregrineWilliams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade Harley is the heiress of the Crocker Corporation, and one fateful night, she contracts amnesia and loses all of her memories. She is found by some Trolls who raise her on a remote island. Ten years later, she reappears and is discovered by Dave Strider, who wants to make a profit, and John Egbert, her twin who wants to serve a dish of cold revenge on their "grandmother". Meanwhile, they are hunted across the country by the one who started it all: Jack Noir. (Based on the movie "Anastasia" from 1997)<br/>Art is drawn by the wonderfully talented PeregrineWilliams<br/>-Complete-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> we did it kids the story is here  
> and I have compiled some songs on the new Tumblr page, and it's pretty much under the tag of each chapter.  
> http://onceuponadissension.tumblr.com/tagged/prologue  
> A HUGE thank you for all of you who have been looking forward to this! (my sister, Peregrine, and Cookie, to name a few, and I'm pretty sure there were more. I must have been pretty ornery and now it's finally here and I can relax!)

 

 _Once upon a time, on a planet unlike our own, there was a company led by a kindly woman. She never aged and ruled over her company with an iron fist and a kind eye. She loved her adopted children, dark-haired like her own with vivid eyes, like they were her own and they loved her back unconditionally. The boy grew up loving to fight and the girl to bake. Together, they had two children of their own with eyes as vivid as theirs. All was good. The woman made_ sure _of it._

_Their home was splendid and stood atop the company's headquarters. They never wanted and always received. They led lavish lives, and the grandchildren knew nothing of the poverty that lay outside their walls nor the unintentional turmoil caused by their elders…_

“Mother, please sit down!” Jake pleaded. Betty Crocker was not a patient woman. She paced along the hospital hallway, waiting for her adopted daughter to bear children of her own. How the shell does two offspring at once even happen? Her troll tendencies betrayed her human façade. She was going to _krill_ someone any minute now. “Jane will be done soon.”

“This is why I hate human reproduction systems,” she mumbled. “Always late and inefficient!”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing,” she snapped. “How much longer?”

“The doctor said that it depends on the babies. C-sections are tricky. Oh my, excuse me.”  He reached into his pocket and wiped his forehead with a handkerchief. He was worried. Rather, she would have known that he was worried if she even looked at him. She heard him mutter, “Gadzooks, this is taking forever!”

She sighed and threw herself down next to her adopted son.

Jake finally said, “Jane is so amazing, going through this.”

She rolled her eyes.

A few hours later, the doors opened and the nurse came out with a smile on her face.

“Congratulations Mr. English, you are now a father,” she said. She turned to Betty and with disbelief and said, “Ms. Crocker, you are a grandmother.”

Jake nearly fainted, and his mother slapped him upside the head. She did not know nor care the meaning of “grandmother”. She just wanted to see her new heirs.

“Come with me please!” the nurse said. She led them to Jane’s room where she laid in her bed, one dark-haired lump of bundled baby in each arm. “They’re perfectly healthy and very beautiful babies, if you ask me.”

Jake practically pranced over to Jane’s side and tenderly kissed her forehead. Betty immediately recognized it from a scene in one of the movies that Jake made her watch. That boy could never come up with anyfin original. She looked on while Jane handed a slightly panicked Jake one child when the other one started crying. He looked totally incompetent with one of those in his arms. Oh cod, he was approaching.

“Look, it’s Jade!” he said, holding up the child. Her eyes were open, and just as green and vivid as his. She looked into Betty’s eyes. Betty stared back. Jake was speaking, but she couldn’t hear him. There was something about this child that was different, but familiar. The child’s arm somehow broke through the tightly bound blankets and reached out to touch the troll’s flattened fin curiously. “Mother!” Jake shouted. Betty snapped back to reality.

She smiled to herself, blood pusher stirring. “This shall be my new heiress,” she said finally.

* * *

-Eight Years Later-

Jade was eight. Her birthday party took place in the grand ballroom of their home, and all of their friends and employees were invited. She was in her little white dress that went down to her knees with a black ribbon hugging her middle, and her new matching sneakers and short socks with a lace trim that rivaled the latest fashions among eight-year-olds. There was a procession and everything when she entered with her twin brother, John, who was also dressed in pure white, a pressed button-up shirt and white slacks with a black belt. One of Jade’s hands held John’s hand, by her mother’s request, and the other clutched a crayon-scribbled piece of paper. On it was a picture she drew a picture of her favorite grandma, not to mention her only grandma, and as soon as she spotted her sitting on her throne in the front, she let go of John and ran up to give it to her.

“Gramma, I drew you!” she said, handing her the drawing. She was proud of it. It was a work of art.

“It’s fintastic,” she said, smiled and patted Jade’s head. It was barely recognizable. Was it supposed to be her? No matter. Her attention was caught by John attempting to push over the cake table. He was dealt with by Jane before anything was destroyed. She had no tolerance for that behavior, but today was her favorite heiress’s special day so she overlooked it.

“Thank you! I love you!” Jade said, then curling up in her lap. Sometimes, this girl acted like a little canine beast. It was cute most of the time, she had to admit.

“Presents!” John wailed from across the room. Jane started to scold him for yelling indoors, but was interrupted.

“Now, let us commence with the opening of presents!” Betty Crocker announced. Jane scowled at her mother. They never liked each other. They knew it, too. Always doing the exact opposite of what the other wanted. Jade climbed out of her grandmother’s lap to head over to the large table with extravagant gifts sitting on it in an ornate pile. The guests all whipped out their cameras to see whose gift made them the happiest. Jade felt her hand tugged backwards. “Stay a minute,” her grandmother said.

“What is it, gramma?” she asked. Betty bent down from her throne, holding a hand behind her back. “Open your hand for me.” Jade complied. She pulled her hand out from behind her back and placed a small box in Jade’s tiny hand. “Open it.”

“Oh, pretty!” she exclaimed. In the box was a set of colorful rubber rings. They were a little big, so she put one of the fuchsia ones on her thumb. “Thanks you, gramma!”

“These rings are special,” Betty whispered. “Do you see my rings?” She held up her hands, which were decorated with shiny golden rings on every finger. Jade nodded. “These are not just for show. They give me secret powers. These rings are the same. They help you remember things you need to remember. I made them myself, so as long as you are wearing them, we can never be separated.” It was only half true, but this sweet girl didn’t need to know that.

“Like we’re together always?” Jade asked.

“You bet your non-existent facial fins!” she replied, pinching Jade’s cheeks. Jade giggled and swatted her hands away. There was something about her that just made Betty smile.

Jade scampered to the table of presents and joined her twin. On the way there, she saw a boy her size with light golden hair wearing pointy sunglasses. She was sure she had never seen him before, so she went up to him fearlessly.

“Hi, I’m Jade! Do you want to play with me and John?” she asked.

She saw the boy’s red eyes widened behind them. He looked up at his dad, who was wearing a baseball hat and matching glasses, and tugged on his pants. His dad looked down as he pointed at Jade.

“Can I play?” he asked, still pointing.

“No Dave, as we are but mere commoners,” he answered. “You can play with Cal when we get home.”

Dave frowned and looked like he was going to cry. Jade pouted, and Dave said, “Sorry, Jade.”

Jade sulkily waved goodbye to the boy and made her way towards John, who stood on the table tossing gifts left and right, looking for the biggest box.

All of a sudden, the double doors were thrown open with a loud slam, causing the lights to flicker.

“Betty Crocker!” a man bellowed. He looked like he was in his late twenties and had a deep voice. His clothes were disheveled and he looked like he hadn’t shaved or brushed his dark, shaggy hair in days. His dark complexion could not hide the freshly formed acne lining his jaw. He also reeked of alcohol. He had been fired for attacking a manager with a knife the previous week.

“What do you want, Noir?” she yelled back, bored. Jade and John both ran towards Jane and she wrapped her arms around them protectively.

“I thought we told you never to come back here!” Jake shouted, getting in his face. He had Noir by his collar and winced at the smell. “Get out of here!”

Jack Noir smirked, and with one hand grabbed hold of Jake by his throat. His wife screamed, but held her ground for her children. Jack lifted him up just enough so that his toes barely touched the ground.

“I wasn’t talking to you, _English_.” He threw Jake at the closest crowd of people, toppling them like bowling pins. He turned to the CEO and threatened, “You enjoy your little party today, for tomorrow, I will return and kill everyone who I can find! And I won’t be alone, either! You mark my words!”

“Yes, we’ll sea about that,” Betty Crocker replied. She approached Jack. “And exactly how are you going to do it?” She stood in front of him, crossing her arms. She was pleasantly taller than he was and smiled down at him. It felt good having power over someone else.

Jack smiled in return. “Like this.” He whipped out a knife and reached for her left wrist at the same time. As soon as her fingers were in his sight, he aimed and grabbed the middle finger and cut it off. Success. The whole process didn’t go over two seconds.

Betty screamed, not expecting him to surprise her. He was an angry sniveler when she knew him. She clutched her hand, unsure what to do with it, fuchsia blood spilling out. She had never been in this kind of pain before, and determined that the finger will grow back in a day or so. Everyone that was close enough to hear the events go down also screamed, including her family. She growled as she helplessly watched him pick up her twitching finger and the ring that was on it and absconded from the room. Jake chased after him, guns blazing. The guests practically trampled over each other to get out of the room. What a bunch of unworthy little—

Jade and John’s cries filled the air. Once Betty had gathered her thoughts, she noticed that there was no one around her. She looked over to where the crying was coming from and her eyes landed on the gift table. She went over to the tablecloth-covered furniture and lifted it to find a huddled Jane, John, and Jade. The children clung to Jane and screamed when the light hit their eyes. Jane sighed with relief.

“We should leave,” Jane told her.

“He’s not a threat,” Betty countered.

“You’re an idiot.”

“You’re not the brightest bulb in the box.”

“That man is going to _kill_ us!”

“We’ll be fine!”

“Say that to your finger!” She stood and lifted Betty’s left arm, the one holding Jade, and pointed it to the bleeding hand. “You’re powerful, sure, but he is, too! I’m not risking my children if you die!”

“You shut your load gaper!” She pointed at her adopted daughter with her “bleeding hand” and winced.

“I’m taking them tonight, and you can’t stop me,” Jane said calmly. “Come on, kids.” She let them go and backed away from her adopted mother to the other side of the table. John followed, but Jade went straight to Betty and clung to her waist. “Come on, Jade, let’s go pack your things.” Jane beckoned. Jade shook her head against the troll’s side. “Let’s go, Jade.”

“No!” Jade protested. “I wanna stay!”

The building then rumbled, like an explosion went off far away.

“We don’t have time for this!” Jane pled.

“You don’t trust me then?” Betty Crocker said.

“Not as far as I can throw you,” Jane replied.

“Clearly, she wants to stay with me, so I will take care of her. If you’re so concerned, take the buoy and go.”

Jane gritted her teeth. She was right. She picked up John and carried him in her arms. She paused at the door, and reminded her mother to go to the safe house offshore.

“Jade!” John called over Jane’s shoulder. “Jaaaaaade!” He cried her name over and over until he couldn’t anymore out of pure exhaustion. In the bedroom she and Jake shared, Jane packed the most expensive things she could find and her credit cards into a suitcase, then filled the rest with John and Jade’s new clothes that Jake forgot to wrap to cushion them, tags and everything. They escaped through the back of the complex, away from the direction of the explosion from earlier.

* * *

“Come along Jade, I must dress my wound,” Betty said while reaching out with her good hand. Jade took it. She looked on the verge of tears. “We are leaving in the morning and will meet up with your mother and John there, okay?”

Jade nodded.

* * *

Jack Noir stands alone in his apartment. He had laid waste to one whole room at the Crocker Corporation Headquarters just a few hours earlier. He had only brought one homemade bomb, for it was all he planned for. The rest would be taken care of the next day. He did his homework on the ring he stole as soon as he realized its existence. He didn’t know where that bitch got such a powerful item, but he knew what it did and where it came from. It was technology from his own home planet. Stolen from the queen. The tabloids covered it extensively, except they were all bungling idiots who couldn’t figure out a year-old tomato sauce stain from a suspect. Although as far as Jack was concerned, it didn’t matter how she got the damn thing, just that he had it now.

He put on the ring.

Nothing.

He kicked the nearest object, which was a coffee table, and smashed the glass top with his fist.

“ _Fuck!_ ” he yelled. He felt a tingling in his hand that bore the ring. He lifted the bloodied hand to his eyes and squinted at it. It seemed that he needed an emotional outburst to make it work. He summoned up all of his anger and the tingling turned into pain, his would stitching itself back together seamlessly. He iced the cake with one final thought: revenge. The pain immediately shot from his hand to the rest of his body. Wings sprouted out from his back, a sword formed through his chest, and a jester hat appeared on his head.

He looked at himself in the mirror and deemed the hat strangely appealing. He smiled, exposing his new sharp teeth.

“Why wait?”

* * *

He shot out of his window on his new set of wings and headed straight for Crocker Corps, not sparing a single moment to revel in his new ability to fly. It was three in the morning.

_KABOOM!_

Betty Crocker awoke, Jade asleep next to her. More explosions? They were finished packing, but did not expect to hear any destruction until the next day. She looked at the clock. Four-thirteen AM. She snatched the still-sleeping Jade and their shared suitcase and ran out the door. Jade woke up as the familiar halls rushed by.

_BOOM!_

Jade screamed, burrowing her head in her grandmother’s shoulder.

* * *

Elsewhere, Dave and his older brother, not his father, flash-stepped around the twisting red vines that were destroying Crocker Corps. The older one knew this was the last time he would ever step foot in his job again, so he and Dave went to salvage whatever they could to sell and live off of in later years. Being an aspiring rapper did not pay the bills.

“Listen Dave, I need you to do something,” he said.

“Yeah, Dirk?” Dave asked.

“If we ever get separated, go straight home. Save as many people as you can, but the moment you can’t see me, go home.” He doubted that there were any people around anyway at this hour, but it wouldn’t hurt to check. Dirk Figured that if the family that lived upstairs had any sense, they would be long gone by now. “Repeat it back to me.”

“Go home when you die,” Dave parroted.

“Close enough.” He ruffled his little bro’s hair.

* * *

Meanwhile, Betty and Jade had come across the Red Miles. She knew the vines well. You cannot escape them. She expertly dodged them as they attacked. Jade clung tightly to Betty’s shoulder.

She tripped over something just as the Miles shot forward, narrowly missing being impaled. She wrapped her arm around Jade, shielding her from the fall. She looked back at the annoying thing that tripped her and her fuchsia blood drained from her face. Laying there was Jake. She got up quickly and ran before Jade could see her father on the ground, deader than her own guardian on her own planet. The Red Miles were attacking, and she had no time for Jade to mourn.

She turned a corner to find a dead end. She turned back behind her and saw the Miles. There was a door on her left. She pushed the door open, threw the suitcase in, slammed it behind her, and held the door closed tightly. She really wished she had her prototype ring.

Jade peeked up at Betty’s face and climbed down.

“What’s happening, Gramma? Are we safe now?” Jade asked, taking out her tiny box of rings. She put some of them on one-by-one.

The door began rattling violently. “No. No, we are not,” she answered. Taking a chance, she grabbed the suitcase and Jade, making her drop some of the rings.

“My rings!” Jade shouted as the door flew open. Two golden-haired human males in sunglasses were defending themselves against the miles, and doing a good job at it, too.

“Whoa,” Dirk said, noticing the leader and the future heir of the company. Dave turned as well.

Jade let go of Betty and leapt at her spilled rings on the ground, attempting to collect them.

“Jade, no!” Betty shouted. The Miles went around the two boys and launched at Jade. Dave flash-stepped Jade out of the way just in time, and the Miles shot into the floor.

“Dave, get those two outside and call the cops,” Dirk ordered. “I’ll get it from this end, lil’ bro.”

“Okay,” he complied. Still holding on to Jade, he grabbed onto Betty and transported them outside safely. “Go, run!”

Jade and Betty took off while Dave pulled out his phone and called 911.

* * *

High in the sky Jack Noir flew, inspecting the area. He saw two figures running toward the parking garage and followed them. He flew at them like a hawk in free-fall, sword positioned above his head. the little girl saw and started screaming. He was almost upon them when something hit his wing. He stopped and jerked his head around to see who—

“Pick on someone your own size!” Dave shouted. “Run!” He reared his hand back to throw another rock.

Jack’s eye twitched, so he came at Dave next. He flash-stepped out of the way and behind Jack, and threw the rock, hitting him square in the back of the head. This cycle continued until the cops showed up, and the girls were long gone. Dave turned to run to the police cars.

Seizing the opportunity, Jack flash-stepped in front of Dave, slapped him, and knocked him out cold. He turned to the cops, who were well-prepared.

“Drop your weapon!” one man shouted into his megaphone. “This is the police, and we will shoot if you do not!” Jack laughed and attacked anyway. The guns were a nuisance. Simple guns were no match for him. But the police had a backup plan. A few of them attacked with tasers, and managed to knock him out of the sky long enough to subdue his wings and put cuffs around his wrists. They dragged him kicking and screaming, sending some of them flying, and shoved him into a cruiser. It was utter humiliation. He stewed in his anger, glaring nowhere in particular. Thanks to these pesky authorities, the Red Miles attack on the Crocker Corporation had halted. He needed to finish the job.

“You have the right to remain silent, you freak of nature,” the officer said as soon as he got into the car.

Jack grumbled some more and stared out the window. He could easily escape these chains, why was he still there? The officer continued to mirandize him, and he ignored every word. He doesn’t need this. He formulated an idea.

“SHUT UP, PUNY HUMAN!” he shouted.

“You first, clown!” the officer shouted back. He laughed at his own comeback. Jack shook his head in shame. Humans were more pathetic than he thought. The police officer turned back forward, still laughing, and started the car. “Hahaha, I amuse myself sometimes.”

Most of the cruisers had started to pull out of the grassy area, sirens blaring and converged onto the main road into the downtown area. It was nearly five in the morning and clear, save a few cars and the homeless population. As soon as they were out of sight, Jack broke the cuffs, peeled the barrier back with his bare hands, and held the officer’s neck with his arm. He planned to just strangle him to death, but he discovered two extra limbs appearing from his ribs. He grinned again. They reminded him of tentacles. He held back the human with his arms, and stabbed him through the seat with the tentacle arms. The car swerved a bit, but Jack regained control with the apparently extendable extra limbs. He let the car slow down until the other vehicles passed him completely, then turned into an alley. In a stroke of luck, he spotted the witch and her young ward run past. He discarded the body out the window and got in the front seat through the peeled-back barrier and followed them in the car.

He caught up to them, and turned on the high-beams and sirens. Startled, they whipped around, shielding their eyes.

“Do you two need a ride?” he called. His eye twitched in anticipation.

“Yes, officer, thank you!” the old hag replied. “Come on, Jade.” She tugged at the girl’s hand and approached. Yes. Good. A little closer and…

“Hey Noir, nice hat!” someone said rather loudly next to him. Jack turned to the window on his left and saw a chipper homeless man knocking on his window. Droll. What was he doing here? Droll was a subordinate back before the old gang you formed broke up. He was also fired from the Crocker Corps. administrative division for fucking up all the time. He broke three copy machines and managed to make the brother of the little girl in front of him cry last year. He was only working for a week.

Jack looked to where his targets were. The bitch heard Droll’s comment. Son of a—! She took the girl in her arms and took off.

“I deal with you later!” he shouted as he took off, tires screeching.

“Bye, boss!” Droll called, smiling simply. “What a nice guy.”

Luckily, she ran slowly with a child in her arms. He accelerated.

* * *

Betty Crocker heard the tires squeal against the pavement and panicked. Out of breath, she yearned for water. It was not a desirable experience for a seadweller such as herself. She turned into an alleyway and gasped exasperatedly. Was it too late to turn run the other direction? She turned to run, and eyed a main road straight ahead. Safety was within reach! Before she could sigh with relief, the cruiser pulled out in front of her, cutting them off.

Jack turned sharply into the tight alley, positive that he had banged up the car and lost a few car parts in the process. He and the Condesce commenced in a staredown.

Jack revved the engine.

Betty clutched her precious cargo.

Jack sped forward.

Betty took a step back and tossed Jade to the side, her head hitting the wall unintentionally.

* * *

Jack chose the older one.

After he made sure she was down, he backed out of the alley at top speed to the main road, where there was a flurry of police cars surrounding the opening, guns aimed and barricades set up. They told him to stand down. He smiled. His job was finished. He was content. He took off the ring, his hat and wings disappeared, his powers gone. As much as he enjoyed them, he didn’t need them anymore. He got out of the car with his hands up, still smiling, and threw the ring behind him in the alley. It was useless to humans anyway. He got down on his knees and put his hands behind his head on his own accord.

“Jack Noir, you have the right to remain silent,” one police officer had started to mirandize him again. Jack cut him off.

“Guilty as charged,” he replied. He was arrested and thrown into an armored truck.

He leaned back against the wall of the truck and relaxed, unaware of the commotion outside.

“They’re still breathing!”

“Someone get an ambulance!”

“Is this blood fuchsia?”

* * *

-Two Weeks Later-

Jade woke up in a strange white room in a strange white bed. She gasped and sat straight up. Panting, she looked around her. Her eyes settled on the tubes and wires poking out of her arms. She screamed and yanked them all out, sending the machines into a tizzy.

There was one thing that occurred to her as she was running around the room barefoot and in white hospital pajamas: she couldn’t remember her name. She heard voices outside her door and ran over to lock it. She scampered about the room, looking everywhere for a name. She saw the bed was inscribed “SleepyTime Industries” and dismissed that as a possibility. Some toys lined the windowsill, but they all had different names on it from previous kids, so she shoved them to the ground in frustration. Banging and yelling started to come from the door. Startled, she gasped and eyed a clipboard at the edge of her bed. The paper on it had all sorts of big words on it, but she understood “Name” and read “Ja” before she was interrupted by the click of the door unlocking.

She ran to the window and pushed it open. Luckily, it was the first floor, so she took off running. There was something ominous about this place that she couldn’t put her finger on, but she focused instead on running, barefoot and suspiciously dressed. She ran and ran until she found a playground. It didn’t take long before she realized that she was completely lost.

“Ja,” she said aloud. It didn’t sound right, so she added letters. “Jay. Jayo. Jaya. Jaya.” She liked it. She’ll keep it.

She sat on the swingset, alone. She wondered if her parents knew where she was. Maybe not her parents. Somebody else? Her parents and somebody else must be looking for her. Hmm. She swung back and forth nonchalantly, not going very high. The sun began to set and she started to get cold. She looked around and saw people, but none came running for her, to pick her up and take her home. She started to cry.

She wiped her tears with her hand and saw colorful rings on them. She remembered something special about them and reached into the pocket on her gown, feeling a fuzzy box inside it. Someone she loved told her they were to help her remember things. Who? Her head hurt. She remembered it was someone important. She stopped swinging and started to cry again, not sure what to do.

“Oh, shut. _UP!_ ” someone yelled behind her. She turned. It was a greyish-looking big kid on a bench covered with newspapers and wearing a beanie. “I’m trying to sleep here and not to have night terrors and here you are, being one!” He sat up and the newspapers scattered, revealing tattered clothes that had mysterious stains on them. “Do you know how hard it is when I don’t have any fucking slime? I hate this planet! I hate children!”

“Well, I hate you, too!” Jaya yelled back. She got up from the swing and walked toward him.

“What the fuck, why are you coming near me, human?” he said, curled against the bench and away from her like she was contagious. “Don’t come near me, you’re wearing medical fibers!” She balled her hands into fists and started to hit him, tears streaming down her face. “Ow, hey! Stop that!”

He grabbed her wrists and she wailed. He was scarier up close. His red eyes were practically on fire.

“You listen here, small human, I am more powerful than you are, so you have no chance! Now when I let you go, will you stop hitting me?” Jaya nodded. “Okay then.” He let go and put his legs back on the ground. “That’s better. And congratulations, I am now infected with whatever disease they quarantined you for.” She kicked his shins.

“You’re mean!” she shouted, thrusting her fists out to her sides. “And you’re already sick, fuckass! You have weird skin and weird clothes! I hate you!”

“Why, you little—!” He reached for her shoulders and missed, falling forward to his knees.

“Karkat!” a woman shouted. They both turned to the voice. “There you are! You had me worried sick! Well, all of us anyway.” The woman looked the same age as the grey guy. Karkat was the grey guy’s name, huh? She wore a long green dress with a funny-looking “M” on her chest. She had short black hair and dark green eyes that matched the dress perfectly. Jaya thought they were related, because she also had the greyish skin color. Or maybe they were both sick. She is prettier, though, Jaya thought.

Karkat’s face turned red with embarrassment. “S-sorry, Kanaya,” he muttered. He sat on his ankles and pulled the brown beanie over his eyes. Jaya looked close at his face again and looked like he was in pain.

“Karkat?” Jaya pronounced slowly, touching his face. “Do you have a stomach ache?”

“What? No, I—” He cut himself off, lifting the beanie from his eyes and meeting the gaze of the little human girl. He pursed his lips, choosing his words carefully. He didn’t want Kanaya to see him violent around children. “I’m fine.”

“Oh, thank goodness!” Kanaya breathed. She turned to Jaya and bent down to her level. “Hello there, what is your name?”

Jaya answered frankly. “I don’t remember, but I named myself Jaya!”

“Such a pretty name, Jaya.” She shot a look to Karkat, who crossed his arms and huffed. “Let us go to the authority regulation headquarters and find your parents, okay?”

“Okay!” she replied. Kanaya took her hand and beckoned Karkat to follow. After some coaxing on Kanaya’s part, they walked to down the street, holding hands in a three-person line with Jaya in the middle. She had no idea what an “a thoriddy regular head courters” was, so she went with them.

A police cruiser with blaring sirens wailed past them, and Jaya froze, wide-eyed. She remembered sirens and the sensation of being carried and feeling really scared. There were also bright red and blue lights. Her head started to hurt again, so she fell to her knees and started sobbing.

“No, no, no, no, no!” she chanted over and over. She sobbed uncontrollably until she was picked up by Kanaya and hugged closely.

“No, shh it’s okay, do not be sad,” she cooed, petting Jaya’s hair. “We will go to our place instead!”

“ _What?!_ ” Karkat protested. Kanaya shot him a look.

“Hey, Jaya, how does that sound? Good?” Jaya nodded against Kanaya, probably smearing boogers everywhere. “You can stay for a couple days, okay?” Jaya nodded again. She turned in the other direction and Karkat followed.

“Kanaya, what are you thinking?”

“Karkat, call Sollux and tell him to use his hacking skills to find out who she is,” she ordered.

“But I haven’t talked to him in months!”

“Just do it. We need to find her family.”

“Ugh, fine,” Karkat groaned. The last thing Jaya heard before she drifted to sleep was, “Hey, asshole.”

* * *

-The Next Day-

“Well, that was a bust,” Karkat said, barging into Kanaya’s motel room.

Kanaya Maryam was startled awake by Karkat Vantas’s rude entrance. They were staying in separate rooms at a cheap motel in the city of Seattle. They had heard rumors of an adult Troll in this area, but didn’t know where to look. Their island, about a hundred miles off-coast, was filled with grubs they didn’t know how to take care of. Kanaya had managed to figure out how to repopulate, so they had gotten started before they knew what they were getting themselves into. There were no lusii on this planet, so she took responsibility and turned a large abandoned mansion they found on that island into an orphanage. Karkat helped out most of the time and the grubs loved him, but he hated all small living things. He was a good worker, Kanaya thought. The island itself had plenty of food, flora and fauna alike, so taking on a human child was not a big deal, if push came to shove.

“There is no record about any Jaya human that looks like her in this entire city,” he said a little quieter, pointing at Jaya.

“Well, according to human rules, one is not officially ‘missing’ for at least a day,” she informed him. “Besides, she did say that she made up her own name.”

Karkat threw up his arms and made unattractive yelling noises.

“Make sure you miss the furniture this time. We cannot afford to pay for more of your… outbursts.” She drew her attention to Jaya, who still slept soundly, and stroked her hair.

Karkat’s phone rang with his obnoxious standard ring, which Kanaya personally thought was very uncharacteristic of him. She would have thought that he would have an illegal pop song download. She stood up and told Karkat to put it on speakerphone.

“What?” Karkat yelled into the phone. The lispy voice on the other end was not pleased.

“I go through all thith trouble and you anther with that greeting?” the voice deadpanned.

“Whatever, Sollux.”

“What did you find?” Kanaya asked.

“Well, thith jutht in, ladieth and gentletrollth, we got a hit.” He cleared his throat. “She’th an orphan.”

“Oh no, that’s terrible!” Kanaya exclaimed. She glanced at Jaya’s sleeping form.

“It thayth here that she wath found in an alleyway with her guardian, who ith altho unidentified, victimth of a car acthident, a hit-and-run. Motht of the information wath covered up, but I can’t actheth it without thith pieth of shit planet’th therverth going batshit and have uth all arrethted. I thwear, if theth recordth were covered up any more, they would be a government conthpirathy. I’ll be in in no time.”

“Why is everything on this gogdamn planet so stupid?” Karkat remarked.

“I don’t know, KK. But one thingth for sure, she’th thpecial.” Sollux yelled at someone on the other side. “Yeah, that’th it tho, later lotherth.” He hung up.

“Well, that just makes things easier,” Kanaya finally said. Karkat grimaced. “Hey, don’t give me that look, or I’ll make _you_ adopt her.”

Karkat pinched the bridge of his snout and sighed. “Alright, fine. I’m going to get some food for the trip home.” And with that, he left.

* * *

-A Few Hours Later-

“Wow, this is so much fun!” Jaya squealed. She had never been on a ferryboat before. In reality, she had been on a boat only once, when Betty took everyone on a magical floating boat ride journey in the sky, but she couldn’t remember that. “Whee!”

Karkat tried to keep a low profile and not to draw attention to himself or Kanaya. Kanaya, on the other hand, actually _played_ with the little girl, humoring her and such with bullshit answers about how the boat worked, what the ocean was called, and who the people were. Unlike Karkat, Kanaya was a child person, which is what he loved about her. Did he say love? No! He meant liked. No, wait. Urg! He shook his head vehemently.

“So where’re we going?” Jaya asked Kanaya. They were at the front of the boat, leaning against the railing. The day was very foggy, so there wasn’t much to see anyway.

“Well, we are going to our island home,” she answered. “First, we are going to go to another island from this boat, and then get on a smaller boat where one of our friends is waiting for us. It’s not quite as large as this one, but it is comfortable.” Kanaya looked out into the distance expectantly.

“Whoa.” Jaya imitated her. A few minutes later, out of the blue, she asked, “Do you like him?”

Kanaya’s breath hitched, but she promptly answered, “Why would you ever think that?”

Jaya peered out of the corner of her eye and thought her face turned a green color. Was she sick? “Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes I’m fine,” she answered, the green fading from her face. “I’m sorry about that. You see, Karkat and I are—”

 _HOOOONK!_ The foghorn blasted. They were nearing their destination.

“I will tell you later,” she continued, and took Jaya by the hand. “Let’s go, Karkat!” she called.

“Yeah, yeah,” he answered.

* * *

-Half an Hour Later-

“Oh my, it looks like you brought us some dinner!” a girl clad in blue stated quite loudly and rudely. She stood next to a small motorboat, which was called _The Marquise_.

“Shut up, Vriska,” Karkat snapped. “We found her. Just another mouth to feed at our stupid wiggler orphanage.”

This girl looked a lot like Kanaya, Jaya thought. She had long flowing black hair and also had a greyish tint in her skin. She wore dark sunglasses one lens popped out. She also wore a close-fitting shirt and pants, boots, and a pirate hat. All blue. Except for her sword, which was silver with an ornate handle.

“Your glasses look funny,” Jaya said, pointing at Vriska with the hand that wasn’t holding Kanaya’s.

“Jaya, hush,” Kanaya warned.

Vriska squinted her eyes and brought her mouth to one side. After a few tense moments, she laughed out loud boisterously.

“I like her!” she cackled. Karkat rolled his eyes and Kanaya sighed with relief. “Get on the boat, douchebags! We don’t have all day!” she ordered. She leapt over to the old-fashioned steering wheel and started blasting pirate music from a boom box next to her. She turned the key while the other three carefully entered the 15-foot boat.

Karkat plopped down as far from Vriska as he could, which was the nose of the boat, while Kanaya kept Jaya fairly far from both. She was beginning to think that they would corrupt this poor human that they were looking after.

* * *

-On the island, and 20 miles of Karkat and Vriska bickering later-

“What took you guys so long?” a guy in a huge purple cape questioned. He wore silly striped pants and a purple shirt, and his hair was spiked with a rather large purple streak. Jaya rubbed her eyes and stared at the orange pointy things coming out of his head.

“We had to go around a storm, thank you very much,” Vriska replied, throwing the tether straight at his face.

“Hey!” he yelled, catching the rope just in time. “I don’t appreciate what you’re doin’ there, Wris,” he barked.

“Oh, bluh bluh _bluh_ ,” she mocked, snatching the rope from the guy’s hands.

“Why is everyone fighting so much?” Jaya asked, looking up at Kanaya.

“Everyone is just a little… testy, that’s all,” she answered.

Karkat scoffed. “Testy,” he muttered. “What an understatement.” He crossed his arms and leapt over the side of the boat before Vriska finished tying it to the dock. “I’m going to my respiteblock!”

“Uh, Kar, you might not want to go in there,” the purple guy warned.

“Or what, _Eridan?_ ” Karkat derided over his shoulder. He charged down the winding path into the trees stubbornly. When they finally tied up the boat and let the passengers off, there was a blood-curdling scream heard in the distance.

Eridan shook his head. “I warned him.”

Kanaya sighed again. Before Jaya could ask, she said, “The little ones love Karkat and always pile on top of him.” She smiled a little. “He doesn’t hate them—”

“Yes he does,” Vriska cut in. “They love setting booby traps and drawing on his face!”

“No, that’s what you like to do,” Eridan corrected with a smirk.

Vriska looked at the sky and chuckled. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I am going to go help him out anyway,” Kanaya said, bringing the subject back around. “Would you like to join me, Jaya? Everyone there is about your age.”

Jaya nodded excitedly. “Okay!”

They set off on the winding path that Karkat had gone earlier and came across an only slightly run-down mansion. It was mainly brown and grey, and was rebuilt on some places with strange architecture that didn’t quite fit. It was like a jigsaw created from three different puzzles. Even from the distance that Jaya was from, she could not see the roof. The four stories and low-slanted design made sure of that. One of the double doors in the middle hung open slightly, and screaming and laughing was heard from the inside.

“Oh, dear,” Kanaya murmured. She led Jaya inside. The inside did not have anything except for a crystal chandelier and a couple of couches in the entryway, and a hallway that led to an even bigger room. Right under the chandelier was Karkat, covered in children of all sizes and giant different-colored bugs with human heads. Every single one of them had orange things sticking out of their heads like Eridan, but in different shapes. Jaya stared. Karkat spotted them.

“A little help?” he shouted over the screaming tiny people.

Kanaya let go of Jaya and reached into her pocket and pulled out a lipstick container. “Ahem,” she coughed. None of the children responded. She twisted the container and it morphed into a chainsaw. Jaya’s jaw dropped in excitement. Kanaya revved the chainsaw twice.

The grubs and toddlers heard the revving and ran off screaming and laughing. Karkat laid sprawled out on the ground, face-down. His trench coat was ripped in one spot, and was scrunched up. Kanaya put the chainsaw away and walked over to Karkat’s head, offering a hand. He looked up at her, blushed scarlet, and scrambled down the hallway. Kanaya shook her head.

“Welcome to the Alternia mansion,” she smiled.

* * *

-The Next Day-

“She’s waking up!” a muffled voice said. Betty Crocker fluttered her eyes, but didn’t want to open them. Why was the world so bright? I want to sleep more. Long ago had she been graced with the ability to sleep soundly and without night terrors. She determined it to be the recipes her company is so famous for. Part of why she had also been sleeping so soundly was because her body refused to wake up until she had completely healed, horns and all. But then she remembered. She gasped and bolted upright.

“ _Jade!_ ” she shrieked.

_I never saw her again. Everyone I knew in that house, except for Jane and John, who both escaped safely and out of my “control”, as Jane so eloquently put it during the years I raised her, were dead. I don’t blame her. It was my goal. Jane was just smart enough to realize that. Jake was dead, my Jade was missing and most likely dead, and I have had to relocate my headquarters. Even if she were alive, she would not find me, so I looked for her to no avail. I lost hope. I retired a year after the case went cold. Jade would have been ten human years old. I am a recluse. A sorry excuse for an Empress. I let my company be run by blithering human idiots. My only hope is that John returns to take it over for me. As long as my Jade was gone, I would be, too._


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

-Ten Years Later-

You are now Jaya. Just Jaya. You like to think that your last name is either Maryam or Vantas, since you can’t remember your own. You were struck with amnesia at age eight and only remembered “Ja” in your given name. You are happy with your life on the island with the Trolls.

You are eighteen years old, according to the rest of your species, and to most people, that means you are kicked out of the house. Although the Trolls aren’t _like_ most people, they still want to kick you out. It’s not that they don’t love you, or have had enough of your sass, it’s just that they don’t want you to miss out on life amongst your own species. Direct quote by Sollux, the yellow-blooded guy. You think he’s cool, but not as cool as he thinks he is with those silly glasses of his.

You like being around your family, even with all of their weird antics and… _hobbies_. Those hobbies are what got you into this “moving out” situation to begin with. That, and other conversations that Karkat and Kanaya have had over the years about you getting a life.

Nepeta, the energetic and green-blooded one, is like you. You both like to hunt. She uses her claws and you use guns, but you still love hunting together. The usual processes: You shoot blanks into the air, and she goes after whatever animal they were tracking; then there’s the other way around when she chases a herd of animals towards you, then you get them with your shotgun. One day, you created a gun that would send non-lethal heat-seeking bullets at a specific target. You wanted to try it out, but didn’t want to tell Nepeta because you still had to work out the kinks to where she wouldn’t get hurt. You guess you didn’t get far enough away from the mansion, because instead of going toward the deer you targeted, it turned at the last second and hit someone else right in the ass. Who was that someone else? Your patron, Karkat. You explained it was heat-seeking bullets, and he took it completely the wrong way. He interpreted it as “hot-blooded-seeking” and thought you were insulting him. Lousy gosh-darned stupid Troll synonyms.

You are now packed with only your knapsack, and inside it has all of your belongings, including the clothes you wore when you first arrived. You want to keep them around, just in case. The only thing not in your bag is your collection of colorful rings. They were given to you by someone, but you can’t remember who. You don’t really have any reason to look for them, either. You know they exist, and if they want to find you, you guess that’s okay.

The rings are supposed to help you remember things. You have a terrible memory on top of the amnesia, and the “memory courses” that Karkat volunteered to teach you didn’t help very much. He is a very tough person to handle, you think.

Jaya: Examine your rings.

There are two of them that have helped you remember things from before the amnesia: a fuchsia one and a red one. You like to put them on in color order, starting from fuchsia and going down the rainbow hemospectrum all the way to dark purple and brown. The fuchsia one is the one that helps you remember that they help you to remember. The red one holds memories of a boy with light-colored hair and weird glasses. None of the Trolls have light-colored hair, even though Eridan tried once (which ended badly with lots of shoosh-papping involved), so you know it can’t be any of them. The other colors are for things you needed to remember here on the island.

“Bye, everybody!” you say, waving to the crowd of aliens blocking your path. You hug a couple of them, including some of the new grubs. You finally reach the front door to where Karkat and Kanaya are waiting for you. “Thank you both so much for raising me!” you say, hugging them at the same time. “So, what do I do again?” You fiddle with your rings.

“Oh my God, do we seriously have to—” Kanaya puts a finger in front of Karkat’s face and he shuts up.

“Jade, look at the red ring on your right thumb,” she says. You look down. This isn’t the same red ring about the boy, that one is on your left pinky. This ring was something about Betty Crocker. “You are going to the Betty Crocker Corporation in Olympia to…” she pauses, expecting you to speak.

Oh! You remember now! “I am going to the factory in Olympia to work! You guys set up someone to take me in, right?” You guess the last part, hoping that they would have anyway. Someone not Gamzee.

“Hell no!” Karkat chimes in. “Everyone we know is on this stupid island, you idiotic life-form!”

“Shut up, Karkat!” you yell back.

“No, I am sorry Jade.  I really wish it were that way.” Kanaya sighs, staring at you. “You have grown so much. I, we, really want you to do your best.” She smiles.

You hug again. Karkat nags, “Come on, Vriska will leave you behind if you’re late!” You roll your eyes. He was right. She did have a tendency of leaving people behind, Alternia mansion island or not. She once left Gamzee, another purple-blooded Troll, alone on the mainland and caused a lot of havoc because he never sanded down his horns. Whoever wanted to go to human civilizations had to break them off and sand them down to prevent panic. Karkat didn’t need to and just wore a beanie all the time. Eridan refused to, and as a result, never left the island. Gamzee was a special case because he hid in the single life boat while playing hide and seek and fell asleep in it. Who knows where he is now? You shake your head at the memory. You can only assume that Gamzee was imprisoned or living life as a travelling vagabond.

You wave once again to your family and head to the boat where Vriska is waiting. She has her smirk on her face as always.

“So you’re leaving us, huh?” she jeers. “You don’t like us anymore, right? Well that’s just fine, you can go and leave us. I don’t really care.”

You get in the boat silently, putting your bag down at your feet. She starts it and heads out to the rendezvous island. With her reckless antics, plus she seems a bit more excited than usual, you might get there in about fifteen minutes. You don’t like the fact that she is the last member of your family you will see for a long time, so you let your mind wander. After a while, your thoughts begrudgingly come back to her. She is easily the meanest Troll on the island, and you have had enough of her condescending bullshit over the years. She has mocked you for literally _everything_ you have done, and it’s a good thing you have never told her about—

“Those rings look stupid,” she pointed out.

“Hey, they’re not stupid, they’re cool!” you retort. Thankfully, you were beginning to see the island up ahead. “They help me remember things!”

“Well that has helped _boatloads_ ,” she laughed. You roll your eyes. Ahaha. You get it. Boatloads. She likes boats. Ha. Hahaha. “Fat lot of help it did to help you remember before you showed your ugly mug here.” You were starting to get angry. “They’re just trinkets. You probably bought them yourself at some cheap dispenser machine. Just throw them out already!” She pulls the motorboat into the public dock.

“Shut up, Vriska, they’re special to _me_!” you yell, snatching up your bag and leaping onto the dock. “Whoever gave me them must want to see me again!” you insist.

“Ha!” she laughed. “I’m seeing your future, and you have no family!” And at that, she backed away with her boat, cackling all the way. Ugh, you hate her so much. “Together not ever!” she adds.

Your name is Jaya Vantas, and you are extremely pissed off.

-

A few hours later, you are still pissed off, but not because of Vriska. That feeling faded two hours ago when you got off the ferry to Olympia. After getting a hot dog from a nice man who was wide as he was tall (and he was very tall) with a tattoo of a heart on his wrist, you take a couple of wrong turns downtown and gotten yourself completely lost. You tug on some people’s arms to ask for directions, but they look at you with disgust and continue on their way. You sigh and sit down on an empty bus bench advertising Crocker Industries and their new state-of-the-art headquarters in New York City.

You realize then that you don’t want to go work at some factory for a bakery. But Karkat and the others told you explicitly to find work there, though. It’s not that you hate them, you just don’t think you’ll be able to find your own way there. There’s more to life than a factory job. Do they even hire women anymore? Wait, that’s an old way of thinking, of course they still hire women. You smack your forehead in frustration.

You sigh again.

You stare at your rings and place your hand on the knapsack in your lap, where you stashed the others in the tiny jewelry box you found them in. You slouch even lower.

“What am I doing with my life?” you ask yourself. You look up and down the street, searching for a bus.

You must have sat there for at least ten minutes already with no signs of life coming near you. People stared and shook their heads at you for some reason. You scowl back at them. They don’t know you. They don’t know your life.

“I could go to that Crocker factory,” you say aloud. You look down the road to your right. “I could just get on this bus and it’ll take me straight there.” You look down the road to your left, which happened to have a sign for the airport pointed that way. “On the other hand, I could go to Seattle and find my own path. They’re very green and earth-friendly over there.” You smile, but then your expression droops. “But I don’t want to disappoint my family back on the island. Especially not Kanaya. She’s so nice.” You put your elbows on your bag and your chin in your hands and stared forward. “I need a sign or a hint… or something!”

As if the universe heard you calling, it sends a response. Well, sort of.

“Bark!” You jump. You look down at your feet to find a smallish dog staring up at you with pupil-less eyes. It was pure white down to its eyelashes and tongue. It is panting with a stupid grin on its face, like it was looking for you all of its life and now it finally found you, its new owner and greatest love. You almost ignore the thing, but it is just so cute that you grin right back at it, reaching down to pet it. “Aren’t you the cutest thing!” you remark giddily.

It licks your hand and you put your knapsack beside you on the ground to pick up the puppy with both hands. It gasps and looked down at the ground with its head as you held it at arm’s length.

“Boy dog,” you mumble as his back legs dangle right above your knees. “Do you have a name, little puppy?” you sing-song.

“Boww,” he responds apologetically. Well, as best as a dog could express itself apologetically.

“Hmm,” you say. “I will name you…” you pause, inspecting the puppy. It didn’t have any peculiar markings at all. Weird. You then glance around for ideas. Behind you, a boy your age carrying a dictionary-sized book about science and the name “Becquerel” caught your eye. Perfect! “Becquerel! Bec for short!” you exclaim.

Becquerel barks in approval and starts licking your face. You giggle, but he squirms around so much that you drop him and he takes your knapsack in his mouth playfully.

“Hey, that’s not yours!” you say in a light tone.

He stares at you.

“Drop it,” you say more sternly.

He still does not comply.

You frown. “Becquerel,” you warn.

He huffs and takes off running down the street to your left, knapsack dragging along.

“Bec!” you call.

He keeps running. You’re going to lose him at this point!

Jaya: Chase after the dumb dog.

You chase after the dumb dog.

-Flash back to three months ago-

Your name is John Egbert. You are eighteen years old. You have dark hair and eyes the color of the sky when there are no clouds perpetually covering the area. You are practically blind as a bat, so you wear these dorky square glasses that you think makes you look like a hipster. On days kind of like today, where you had nothing to do in the afternoons, you would strife with your best friend Dave Strider.

Today is not one of those usual afternoons.

Your mother, Jane Egbert, is on her death bed. She is suffering from internal bleeding that the small-town island doctor cannot do anything about. She was attacked earlier today by an unknown stranger outside their smallish house. Whoever it was left a diamond-shaped drawing in blood on the ground next to her.

You have lived with her ever since you ran away from the Batterwitch when you were eight, also known as your adopted grandmother.

“Are you sure there’s nothing we can do?” you ask Dr. Salamander.

“I’m sorry, John, there is not,” he replies. “I tried to get someone from the main hospital down here, but as you know, it is three hours away. For now, I suggest you make plans for her imminent passing.”

“Like, to bury her?”

“No, to stuff her and have her on display in your living room. Of _course_ to bury her, genius!” He smacks you upside the head. “Seriously, boy, grow some balls or something!” At that, he straightens his wrinkled top hat and left. You stopped questioning why he wore the sloppy thing a long time ago.

“John,” she calls you weakly from the next room. You rush to her side, eager to hear what she has to say. “I need to tell you something,” she grunts, trying to sit up.

“Shh, mom, you gotta rest now!” you panic. “Dr. S said you have to lie down! You have a bunch of organs that ruptured or something!”

“Shut up and listen! I will haunt you in your sleep with endless pranks!” she snaps.

You press your lips together and runs your index finger and thumb along them like a zipper. You hum sounds that hopefully translate as “Sorry.” Your mother takes a deep, ragged breath and motions for you to fix her pillows. As you do, she begins to speak.

“Now you have to promise me to listen without protest, alright? I have no time for questions. Nod if you understand.”

You nod.

“Good. Sit.”

You sit.

She pauses. “I have seen this coming for a long time now.”

She gives you a stern look as you open your mouth. You close it. She continues.

“Do you remember your twin sister, Jade?”

You nod again.

“The Batterwitch has been searching for her for a long time. I have been successfully outrunning her in the race to find her, but neither of us have found her. I am sure that she has known where we live for a long time as well, which is why I got stabbed.” You resist opening your mouth again. “From what I can determine from this ostentatious and brazen course of action, she thinks we have her and we’re hiding her. She’s using my death to lure her out into the open. What a laugh though, hoo hoo hoo!” She winces in pain and coughs into her hand. She looks at her hand and closes her eyes, clenching her fist.

“Mom, I already know we’re looking for Jade! So, what do I do?” you blurt out. You can feel your tears stinging your eyes already. You wipe them away like the man you are.

“Very good question,” she answers briskly. She glances at the clock above her desk where her customized laptop, which she nicknamed “Crosbytop” sat. You have a similar one, but you nicknamed it “Cosbytop”. You like your laptop better than hers because it has color on it. But there’s no time to think about that right now! Your mom is dying, damn it!

You gulp. She looks back at you and smiles sweetly. She motions you to come closer.

“You look just like him,” she whispers, stroking your face with the fist that she had clenched earlier. You thought that you caught a glimpse of dark red, but you ignored it. “You have his eyes and soft hair, and you even chose his silly style of glasses.” She ruffles your hair a bit, sniffling. “Jade has his eyes as well, right down to the tint!” She sniffed again, trying to forget your father’s untimely demise that same night you ran away from the Batterwitch. “I leave my entire fortune to you, John.” She glances at the desk again. You look as well. “The combination is simple. You do know when your birthday is, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” you answer. Well. That _was_ simple, you think. “Then it’s our birthdays then?” you exclaim, a bit too excited.

“Yes.” She coughs again, this time not getting her palm to it in time and blood spewing on the sheets between them. You try not to look at it. It’ll only give you nightmares. You grit your teeth and keep quiet. “It’s so cliché even for me, the town sleuth!” That’s what you two did when you weren’t tracking down Jade. You took cases when they came up, but their town was so small that they barely had anything more than lost pets and a few cat burglaries. Your mother’s breath hitches and you realize that your gaze had been trailing downward and blurred. You blink away the imminent tears. “You’re a smart boy. No, you’re a smart man, now. You’ll find her, I know it! Just find her and keep her safe. Find her before the Batterwitch does. You can never be too old to be brainwashed.” Blood trickled out of her mouth while she spoke. You call for her and put your hand on her shoulder to shake her, but she shooshes you. “I believe in you, John. I won’t force you to defeat the old hag. Just keep Jade safe. You have to promise me.”

“Right now?”

“Now! Say it!” she demands.

“I promise!”

“You promise to what?” She began to choke.

“I promise to keep Jade safe from the Batterwitch!” you shout.

She smiles with approval and closes her eyes. “Thank you, John. I love you so much. Never forget that.” She leans back and sighs with relief, with the name of her love on her lips.

“Mom! Mom, wake up!” you yell. You shake and shake her shoulders to no avail. She was gone. You give up shaking her lifeless body and fold your arms over her, burying your head in them.

She would not want you to suffer like this, you think after what seemed like hours. You take a deep breath through your nose and raise your head. You were positive that you looked terrible, snot coming out of your Santa-Claus-red nose. Your eyes are probably bloodshot and swollen, mouth covered in drool like an infant.

Time to man up, John! Whatever will you do?

John: Research and investigate the whereabouts of your twin sister, and maybe defeat the Batterbitch in the process.

-Fast-Forward to Now-

You are still John Egbert. You are in the city of Seattle with your best bro Dave Strider holding auditions for a girl to replace your sister in the mission to defeat the Batterwitch, Betty Crocker, your adopted grandmother.

Wait a minute, you thought you were actually looking for your sister? You tried that already. It didn’t work. You went to Seattle to start where Jade was seen last. Apparently she ran away from the hospital as soon as she woke up from her coma. What a smart eight-year-old, you thought. Smart until she was never seen again. Do you know how many kids disappear in a big city like this? A lot, that’s how many. Statistically, she’s gone forever. It took you about a month and a half to stop crying about it. And fuck all if Strider knew you cried that long.

Plans changed after that. They changed a lot.

Dave Strider came up with the best plan that only a professional con man like himself could think of. Find a girl that looked exactly like Jade and use her to get to the Batterwitch and defeat her. Simple! You two have it all planned out. Your dear mother’s dying wish to find the actual Jade and protect her will have to wait. You have bigger fish to fry. For years, you blamed everything on the old hag: the destruction of their house, the death of his father, Jake, and ultimately, for the separation of their family.

You’re doing this to rob her of her fortune.

-Meanwhile, in New York City’s tallest apartment building penthouse suite-

“Mrs. Crocker, your tea,” you hear your secretary say. You glance at the tray and wave it away, continuing to stare out the window at the impending sunset. What an ugly sight, you think to yourself.

You are the Imperial Condescension, reduced to such low living quarters on a primitive planet run by hairless apes. Over the years, you have disguised your alien identity as the famed Betty Crocker, but you know all this already. You just like repeating it to yourself when you get annoyed or depressed.

“You must drink, madame,” your secretary insists. You turn your head to her to give her your famed death glare, but then you remember that it does not work on this puny human. This puny human called “Rose Lalonde.” You hired her for that exact reason. When all other applicants fled in terror at your presence, only she remained. She is a loyal subject. She creates delicious beverages. She does not bore you with idle gossip about her own life. If the event came up, you would give her a paid vacation. You hope not soon, but you still consider it. Then, you would shoot down the idea and never think of it again.

You sigh. “Fine. What is today’s flavoring?” you ask.

“White tea with Jasmine,” she replies with no real motivation. You raise your eyebrow at the blonde.

“We had this last week,” you say as you take a sip. You feel the tea’s warmth in your gills instantly turn cold. Just how you like it.

“I am aware,” she replies curtly. “The intern who was responsible ordered a surplus.”

“Fire him,” you say coldly, like your non-existent blood-pusher.

“Very good. We will not hear of him again.” Rose took out her communication device, pressed the screen a few times, and the job was done.

“Donate the rest to some orphanage in my name,” you say when you finish.

“Yes madame,” she replies.

-Back on the west coast…-

You are now Dave Strider. You are a professional con man. You have conned many a light-foots in your day and show no signs of stopping. You are so ironic in your ironic sunglasses from a movie that your best friend John Egbert loves unironically. You always keep your hair the same way every day and don’t give a fuck who thinks otherwise. You like swords unironically as well, but liking swords isn’t really ironic either. Not to the general public. It’s more creepy than anything else. You don’t care though.

In any case, this isn’t the normal con job you would take either. You probably wouldn’t take it if you didn’t come up with it yourself. Which you did. The perfect cover because it’s so cliché, it can only come from a movie. Which you are one-hundred percent sure that it didn’t. From any alternate universe.

Your best friend hates Betty Crocker. That’s weird even by your standards. Before you even became friends on the island you two grew up on, you thought she was tight with her neat-o recipes and shit that your brother made for you. Now that you look back on it, you’re pretty sure your bro hated Betty Crocker as well. He had an excuse though. He worked there. You also saved said Betty Crocker and her kid. Grandkid. Whatever. You were cool back then, too. You could flash-step and everything. You have honed your skills over the years and even managed to catch up to your bro once. Once. It didn’t end well. You slept outside that night because you quoted a movie unironically when you had him cornered and he socked you in the face.

You met John Egbert once at his birthday party the night some crazy shit went down at your bro’s work. You didn’t really talk. Bro didn’t let you. Something about commoners. You think that your brother’s overbearing parenting skills didn’t get you many friends. Or social skills. You barely talked coherent sentences back then. You’re surprised you even became friends with John at all. No wait no you’re not. John’s crazy mom hunted them down to their house when they moved to the island. You were maybe nine. You can’t remember. You do remember that she and Dirk yelled a lot. You think they had a thing for each other that went beyond platonic. You shudder at the thought.

Why were you thinking about the past again? Oh yeah, you don’t really care anymore. Some people just like to see a little background before the story continues. You decide to call your brother randomly.

“Hey, douchebro,” the person on the other line answered.

“How the hell do you even know who’s calling?” you ask. The great Bro Strider doesn’t believe in caller ID. Something about subliminal conspiracies.

“Magic.”

“Whatever. Listen, How do you know when someone is a terrible actor?” You weren’t a casting director, but you also had nothing to go on except notoriously bad movies.

“Do you believe them?”

“No.”

“Then they’re a bad actor.” He hangs up.

“Thanks for saying goodbye,” you scoff, closing your cell phone shut. “Yo, John,” you call from thirty feet away. You were setting up signs for day one of auditions for a fake movie. The Plot: Two con men audition girls to meet Betty Crocker and try to steal her granddaughter’s fortune. They have already met with her secretary, who talks to the big cheese herself, and she agrees to let a fan visit her quarters. The Twist: You actually meet Betty Crocker and try to steal her granddaughter’s fortune. Girls from all over America were already doing it, so why the hell not? Since John is half of the actual grandchildren, they should really just slap a wig on him and be done with it.

“Yeah Dave?” he answers. He had just finished putting up the rest of his signs.

“Ready to go?”

“Yup.”

“Release the kraken then,” you smirk.

John walks over to the stage door of the tiny theater you rented. You stride over to the table you have set up for the both of you for the next few hours. Being a casting director is hard work.

The ladies start trickling in, all looking the same: dark hair and green eyes. Some wore fake glasses, which you thought was ridiculous. One of these girls was going to one, make you rich, and two, take down the Batterwitch. Oh shit, that rhymes. You remember that for when you throw down some sick rapping skills.

-Four hours later-

You are still Dave Strider, and you have just made a terrible mistake.

“Alright, break for lunch!” John announces, just now aware of your “oh my God just let this end already” demeanor. “Thirty minutes until the next group!” You really hate him right now.

“Oh my God, just let this end already,” you groan, slamming your head on the table.

“Come on, they’re not that bad,” John tries.

You roll your head on the table so that you could face him and glare as best as you can through your sunglasses.

He sighs. “You’re right, they’re all bad.” He drops into the hard wood chair and puts his face in his hands, probably smudging his dumb hipster glasses. “Ugh!” he exclaims, probably realizing that he smudged his dumb hipster glasses.

Some Jade-looking girl auditionee approaches them with two bags of fast food and offers them to you and John silently. You hear her coming but ignore her. John hears the bags rustling and perks his head up, sniffing like a fucking dog. You roll your eyes.

“Hey, thanks!” he says with his derpy grin and completely innocent expression. You roll your eyes even harder than last time. The girl runs off, squealing. “Food, Dave!”

“Yes, I see that Egbert,” you reply. “Fast food. Very good for you.” Your stomach rumbles. You hunger. What will you do now?

Dave: Scarf the food like the barbarian you are.

Hell fucking yes.

-Be Jade-

You are Jaya and you are now chasing your new dog through the streets of Olympia. Man, he is fast! How can a small dog even carry a knapsack bigger than its body anyway? You aren’t really thinking of these things. Your thoughts are more along the lines of “MAN, THIS DOG IS FUCKING FAST!”

Bec darts sharply into an alley on the left. You grin. Alleyways usually lead to dead ends. Wait a minute, how would you know that? You follow him into the alley.

You turn, thinking that he’d still be running. You stop when you see him sitting in the middle of the path, about thirty feet from you, sitting pretty, knapsack still in its mouth. You squint your eyes and approach him cautiously. He’s still the same dog, but there’s something different about him now.

“Bec,” you call. “Come here, boy!”

He still sits.

“Okay, stay! Good dog!” you say, stepping close enough to pet him. You bend down and reach out your hand when he starts glowing green. You gasp and withdraw your hand. You straighten yourself, and look around frantically. Everything is wibbly-wobbly like some special effects in a movie. What the hell is happening?!

Bec turns transparent and you can see right through him, except that the ground behind him didn’t match the ground he stood upon. You widen your eyes and his form grows bigger and bigger until it completely engulfs you. You close your eyes and crouch into a ball, expecting the worst.

Suddenly, everything is calm. You hear the traffic sounds behind you like before. You lift your head from between your legs and look straight ahead. You calm your breathing down to a mild hyperventilation before you stand straight again. The traffic sounds are the same, the smells are the same, the cold weather is the same, but you are clearly not in the same city.

You look down to where Bec sat. Before, he looked very serious. Now, he was on all fours, wagging his tail happily. He dropped the knapsack. You never noticed that your jaw had dropped until you close it. You bend down, grab the knapsack, and pet Bec. He licked your hand in response. You let out a breath and put your knapsack on, setting off straight ahead.

How would you look for your family now?

You start walking.

Jaya: Be John.

You are now John Egbert. It is now after seven at night and you are very disappointed. You figured you would have found a good Jade replacement to embezzle money out of your grandmother by now. You sigh and slump in your chair, not really caring that Dave is cleaning up the rented theater without you. Suddenly, the rafters seem more interesting.

“John Egplant!” Dave yells, bending over you.

You jump, flailing and nearly falling backwards in your chair in the process. “Dave, what?” you yell, angrier than you meant to be.

Dave is unfazed. “I’m done. Let’s scat.” He turns on his heel, the large duffel bag carrying the supplies over his shoulder rattling with each step.

“Sorry, bro,” you say apologetically. You put your chair back to normal and follow him out.

You turn off all the lights and look back longingly at the stage, never to return. You sigh again and walk out, letting the door slam behind you.

“Now what?” you ask Dave after walking for a few minutes in silence. You two had walked side by-side since you left the theater.

“We go to the next theater and try again,” he answers shortly. “We go to the next town in the morning. Tonight, though, we sleep.”

“Our last night at the factory headquarters,” you sigh. “In the cold.”

“Look, we don’t have a choice, John,” he says bit angrily. “Not one girl in this stupid town can act worth shit. I mean, they all look like her and talk like her, but they are not her. They don’t feel like her.”

“Well, she was a kid when she disappeared,” you mumble.

Dave looks at you over his sunglasses from the side, eyebrows furrowed. He puts up his glasses and keeps walking. “Well, let me tell you something, if it doesn’t feel right to us, it’s definitely not going to feel right to the motherfucking _Batterwitch_.” His sunglasses must have been affecting his eyesight, because he then bumped into a brunette girl holding a small dog in her arms. He didn’t seem to notice and kept walking.

“Hey, watch it!” she yells. You look back at her as she turns back to the hot dog cart thing.

“Dave, you totally just bumped into that girl!” you protest.

He just shrugs.

You face palm and keep walking with him. You see yours and Dave’s temporary shelter ahead on the mountainside. The old headquarters. You haven’t been there since you were a kid. It has been abandoned since it was nearly destroyed that fateful night. You wonder why you’re not staying at a normal hotel like everybody else.

The real reason? Dave thought it would be ironic.

He thinks he’s so cool sometimes.

John: Be Dave already.

Okay, okay, fine.

You are now Dave strider. You and John sit in the tiny office that overlooks the giant room in the main warehouse, and eat TV dinners and talk about videogames and terrible movies. The light flickers only once every ten minutes, which doesn’t really bother you. It bothers John, though, which is entertaining. You raise your sunglasses above your forehead, pushing your bangs out of your face. You hate it when your hair gets long like this. You really want a haircut, but long bangs are lady magnets.

Somewhere in the warehouse, you hear a small crash, and ten seconds later, an even smaller _thunk_. “Hey man, did you hear that?” you ask John next to you, hitting his upper arm with the back of your hand.

“Nope,” he says with his mouth full of Easy Mac. He pushes up his glasses with his wrist and takes another bite.

You squint and bring your mouth skeptically to one side. “Hmm.” You glance behind you out the huge windows and see that there was no one in the large room, lights still off. You note the hinges every two windows and determine that they can still open with a little force. You turn back to your food.

After finishing, you get up, gather your disposable dishes, and turn back to John to tell him you’re turning in early, and you see them. The lights in the warehouse. They had turned on.

“John,” you say. He looks up from his outdated videogame magazine. You gesture behind him.

He turns, then slowly turns back to you, terrified.

“Oh, grow up, it’s not haunted,” you say in a hushed voice, trying to sound venomous. He sighs in relief and stands up, practically pressing his face against the glass.

“There’s a girl down there!” he says. You can’t tell if he’s being serious, scared, or excited.

“You’re yanking my chain.”

“Come on, see?” He points downward.

You roll your eyes and approach the large windows. “The lights just turned on by themselves, there can’t be a girl down there.” You’re actually surprised they still worked after what, ten years? You shake your head and follow John’s finger.

Well, shit.

There was a girl.

And she was dancing.

And for some reason a dog was prancing around her.

You open one of the windows and it groans slightly.

You lean out and yell, “Hey, what are you doing down there!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal opinion: as I was writing this, I pronounced Jaya as "JAH-yuh", but I like "JAY-uh" a lot better. It sounds more like "Jade" that way.


	3. Chapter 2

 

-Rewind to Jade.-

You are now Jaya again. You are very tired. You have been walking for hours with no proper food at all, thanks to your new canine companion. You finally see a public bench with a pale smiling woman holding a large red spoon on it. Another Betty Crocker ad. Are the headquarters here or something? You thought it was in Olympia.

You plop down on the bench and glance around, and lo and behold, see a building on a mountainside with the logo on it. The golden light of the setting sun illuminates it far longer than the town, as if the builder designed it to have that building be the last thing the people in the city below saw before nightfall. Well, before there were skyscrapers blocking the view. There was something familiar about that place; and the vacant lot at the mountain’s base.

You instinctively look down at your rings. The fuchsia one catches your attention immediately. You feel like there’s something connecting the ring and the building. Why that building? Why not any other buildings? Why now? Your head starts to pound so you stopped looking at it. You notice the sun was setting and felt a chill. You didn’t even bring a jacket. You need to get to a shelter. Preferably a nice hotel that wasn’t too expensive.

You look down at Bec, who is completely oblivious to his surroundings. But what hotel would take a dog? You wrap your arms around yourself and look towards the factory building on the mountainside. Maybe someone there could help. If it wasn’t already abandoned, that is.

You stand up and look around for someone that could answer your questions. The sun is almost down and you are losing your light. You see a thin man pushing an old food cart across the street. He looks really tired and is moving too slowly for a man his age. He wasn’t really that old, either. Maybe fifty. You beckon your dog and rush across the street.

“Excuse me, do you need help, old man?” you ask the man.

“Oh, thank you!” he replies, his face lighting up, albeit more amused than thankful. He had happy lines everywhere and a scruffy beard. You see the obvious receding hairline below his fedora-looking hat as he straightens it atop his head. “My back is killing me!” He stepped aside and you crack your neck and shoulders. It looks easy enough.

“It’s okay!” you say. “I do this stuff all the time where I come from!” You helped Nepeta move her larger kills to the mansion on the island. Kid stuff. You push the cart with ease and the man follows after you, lighting a pipe.

You and the man chat for a while. He lives with his wife in a small house just outside the city. He talked about how much she loves scarves and how the daughter from her previous marriage now lives in New York City working as a secretary to some business mogul. She doesn’t say who in her letters home, something about government secrets and conspiracies, he says with a laugh. He gushes on and on about his family like he was trying to lovingly embarrass them right in front of their friends. You can’t help but smile and laugh along yourself.

You finally get to the edge of town and he stops in front of an old house, probably his. By now, the sun had gone down and the sky was rapidly turning black. Bec whines and puts his front paws on your legs. He must be tired. You are too, a little bit. You sigh and pick him up. He snuggles in your arms and raises his head under your chin and you feel him close his eyes against your neck. Gently, you stroke from the top of his head to his back.

“Would you like a piece of cake? It’ll be on the house, and you look half-starved,” the man says.

“Oh, cool! Thanks!” you reply, hopefully not too eager.

The man bends down to unlock the doors when your shoulder is suddenly bumped into.

“Hey, watch it!” you yell after the rude person. You want to shake your fist, but you have precious cargo in your arms. His friend walking next to him seemed to notice you, but no apology came. Not even a gesture. You scoff and turn back to the man fixing your food.

“That was rude,” he states.

“Yeah, he should apologize!” you agree.

“Yes he was rude, but you were, too.”

“What?” you whine.

“True, he should have apologized. But even if you are not the one at fault, you should at least be more civil about it, then you can show that you are in the right.”

“Huh?” You have no idea what he’s talking about.

He finishes by putting the slice neatly in a piece of wax paper and continues. “Sorry, I ran out of forks today. When you are polite and civil about things, only then can you have the upper hand.” He dumps his pipe behind him and sticks it back in his mouth, empty.

You blink. “I, uh, okay,” you stammer.

“You’ll get it someday.” With a small wink, he opens the rusting gate with a loud creak and enters his property with the cart. You had a question for him, but you couldn’t remember what it was. You look back up the hill and gasp.

“Wait!” you call. He turns around. “What’s that factory up there?” you ask, pointing to the Betty Crocker place. He looks up to where you are pointing and nods.

“It’s abandoned,” he answers. “Nobody goes up there anymore. They say it’s so haunted, not even ne’er-do-wells go up there. Be safe on your way home, alright?” You two wave goodbye and he enters his home.

Luckily, you don’t believe in ghosts. You gulp anyway.

Jaya: Be the mountain climber.

Why should you be the mountain climber? There’s a perfectly good road leading up to the top.

Jaya: Follow said road.

You do.

-Fast-forward to the part when you break a window with a two-by-four-

You break a window with a two-by-four. The doors were chained shut with no hope of getting breaking or rusting anytime soon. There was a window nearby big enough for you to fit through, though, so you ripped a board off of it, and smashed the window underneath. You pick up Bec again and put him through first. Making sure there was no broken glass, you lift yourself up through the window, swing your legs around, and land characteristically ungraceful on your butt inside, your hand narrowly missing some shattered glass.

You fetch your tiny flashlight from your knapsack and start scanning for a place to lie down. You notice the place was devoid of machinery and furniture. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. But it is so much warmer in here than outside. You keep going.

As you pass through the halls and larger rooms where things were loaded onto eighteen-wheelers back before the place shut down, you feel like you’re walking inside a comfortable and familiar place. You feel calmer; loved, to an extent. You felt more at home here than at the Troll’s mansion. You kneel down by a crude and smudged drawing on the wall in a green color and wipe the dust away. It’s a picture of five figures, to little people, two bigger people, and one biggest person with big hair and a trident. Everyone is smiling. You smile yourself, your eyes welling up without your permission. You hastily wipe them away and kept going.

You finally come to the main area of the warehouse factory place and open the doors. Thankfully, there is a long set of light switches going top to bottom. You flick them all to the “on” position, hoping they were still connected. To your relief, they all buzz to life and fade on slowly, lighting the room just as slowly. Everything is grey and cement-colored, and red designs cover the floor and the walls that are similar to vines, but don’t seem to match the scenery, like they were painted on at the last minute. They seem to be interconnected for miles. You look around some more and notice they are all over the hallway walls you had just passed through. Bec huffs a bit, drawing your attention to him.

“Hey, you want to have some fun?” you ask, bending over with your hands on your knees.

He pants and leaps up in response.

“Let’s go dancing!” You turn to the rest of the room and stretch your arms to your sides. “There’s something very musical about this place, isn’t there?” You start to hum to yourself and sashay to the middle of the vast room, Bec following behind and running around you in circles. You twirl in circles and leap and move, feeling like a ballerina. You are pretty terrible at dancing, but you don’t care. Nobody’s watching, nobody’s even he—

“Hey, what are you doing down there!” a voice boomed from above you. Was is a ghost? Your heart stops and you stop dancing. Bec stops running around aimlessly, looks up, and growls. You follow his gaze at someone bending out of the tiny room overlooking the larger room. Your eyes widen.

Jaya: Run.

You scoop up the still growling Bec and run.

Dave: Flash-step.

You, Dave Strider, did not need some 4th-wall command to tell you to flash-step the retreating female. Naturally, you leap out of the window you just opened to avoid the stairs and close the distance between you and the floor. You thank your brother for teaching you this magnificent skill as you fall. You can technically never fall to your death unless it’s some ridiculous height like from an airplane. You land on the floor safely, closer to your target.

You see her zip down the hallway you know to be a dead end and smirk. The little trespasser has nowhere to run. You flash-step your way to her, getting closer and closer, until you finally get to the end of the hallway.

“Stop!” you call.

“No!” she yells back. They never get it. Nobody can outrun Dave Strider.

“I said,” you say right before you flash-step in front of her to get in her way, “Stop!”

You spread out your arms to block her path. She gasps and barely misses a beat and tries to side-step you. You flash-step in front of her again, again blocking her path. You two continue like this until you see John’s approaching figure over her shoulder. You sigh with exasperation and force her against the nearest wall, slamming your hands on the wall behind her ears, forcing the tanned girl to let out a small startled yelp.

“Who sent you, what are you doing, and how did you get in here?” you ask, rapid-fire. You hear John catching up, struggling to catch his breath on your left as you stare into the girl’s bright green eyes. She stared back, unsure to whether to feel frightened or challenged. She looks like she was shaking and about to cry, but that could be a ruse. Hey, you never know if someone is a spy or not. You let John catch his breath.

“Yeah, how did you get here, anyw… anyway…” John’s voice fades out. You glance at John. His expression is nothing like you expected at all. Usually, he would be the ringleader of pranking and detective role-playing, but you’ve only seen that particular face on him when he was really shocked: his jaw slack and eyes literally the size of dinner plates.

“What?” you ask.

“She’s…” he starts.

“She’s…?” you goad.

“She’s perfect!” he exclaims, like a kid at Christmas. He reaches his hands out, too, like a movie director who is celebrating that his actors finally performed the role perfectly.

“Huh?” you say, making a weird face.

“Take off those damn sunglasses and _look at her_!”

Skeptical, you lift your arm to remove your sunglasses. You promptly put the arm back in place, trapping her where you could look at her more closely.

Well, shit.

-Now back to Jade-

You are now back to Jaya and very confused at the situation that has just come to pass.

John: Gush.

“She looks just like her!” you exclaim, examining her face closely.

“Excuse me?” your best friend and your sister-lookalike ask simultaneously. They exchange glances, which is an incredulous stare.

“No, seriously!” you stand back again, looking at the girl through one eye, making your thumbs and index fingers into a rectangular shape like a movie director. “Down to the tint!” Your mother said that, you remember. Your mood falters a bit in her memory. You don’t let the other two know that, though.

Dave speaks up first. “Dude, she just trespassed into our lair. What if she’s a spy?”

“Let’s ask her then!” you challenge. “Are you a spy?”

She shoves at Dave’s arms, which were barricading her against the wall, which did not budge. “What the fuck are you two even talking about?” she practically yells.

“She’s not a spy,” you say to Dave.

“Explain the acute likeness,” he counters. “It could be plastic surgery.”

“Oh yeah right!” she scoffs. She points to her ridiculously circular specs. “If I could afford surgery, I can afford to fix my eyes! Duh!”

Dave just rolls his eyes. “Prove it.” He finally removes his arms, muttering something about it fucking hurting. “State your name and business.”

She huffs and puts her dog down to cross her arms. “Jaya, shelter.”

“Jaya. Yeah, real cute. And the mutt? What’s the deal with him? It’s like he’s albino and blind at the same time. How does he even know where to bark?” The dog barks and snaps at Dave’s pants in response. You slowly and unconsciously put your fingers in that rectangular shape, and raise it to put Dave and Jaya in the middle of the “frame.”

“H-he’s a very special dog!” she says, hesitating slightly. Dave squints in response. You feel the smile creeping over your face. “You’ll never believe me even if I told you.”

“Sure. So what’s your story even?”

“Where do I start?”

“At the beginning of the creation of the earth. Where do you think I want you to start?”

“I got amnesia at age eight.”

“Boring. I’ve heard this story.”

“Then I was raised by Tro—trustworthy relatives on an island!” Dave ignores the stammering.

“Yeah? So?”

“I can hunt and shoot guns and stuff!” Just like our father! you think to yourself. She is getting more perfect with every answer.

Dave snorts. “Still not impressed. Got anything else?” He crosses his arms.

Jaya turns to you. “Is he always like this?” she asks, pointing at him with her thumb.

“He’s been doing it all day, so he’s had lots of practice,” you answer. Dave was not really a good interviewer, but you felt that you were too nice to try to pick the perfect Jade, so you let Dave conduct the auditions.

Jaya sighs.

“You done?” Dave asks with a hard look on his face.

“Yeah, I guess,” she sighs. “Let’s go somewhere else, Bec.” Her dog growls and huffs at Dave again before going to Jaya’s now-retreating form.

“You’re hired.”

“What?” It was your turn to speak simultaneously with Jaya.

Dave turns to you, just noticing your fingers. He smacks them down with one hand. “You heard me.”

“Yay!” you shout, doing a silly victory dance.

“For what?” she asks.

“For a movie we’re doing,” Dave explains. “You get to meet Betty Crocker an’ shit.”

“Why would I want to meet Betty Crocker?”

“Well, you said you had amnesia, right?” you pipe in. “So maybe she can use her incredible power and money to hire a private detective or to run DNA tests or something!” Her eyes widen. She’s probably thinking about it.

“Plus, if all goes to plan, you might even live with her for a while,” Dave cuts you off. “See, she’s totally into our movie plot and is even sponsoring it. It’s about two guys who find her granddaughter Jade so they can get the reward money. Our job is to cast a girl to play the granddaughter. It looks like you fit her to a T, too. She already knows her part, so all you have to do is go in with some answers memorized and she will carry on conversations with you like she’s actually interviewing you. Totally authentic, no rehearsals, no readings. I hear she’s a great actress herself.” You slowly bring your fingers up again, but you stand behind Dave this time so he won’t see you. This way, you can also get Jaya’s face when she decides.

After a moment of silence and glancing at her dog, Jaya replies, “Alright. But I’m only doing this so she can help me find my real family, okay? I don’t trust you two quite yet.” She shifts narrowed eyes back and forth between you and your best friend. She’s wary of your movie director fingers, but ignores them.

“Yes!” you shout, fist-pumping the air with both hands.

“On one condition!” Dave interrupts. Oh no.

“What?” Jaya asks.

“No dogs.”

Jaya scoops up her precious pet, who is now snarling like he actually understood Dave. “Hell no!” she yells.

“Hell yes!” he yells back. You feel your director fingers rising again as you side-step to a side view of their faces in the frame.

“Hell. Fucking. No!”

“Hell. Fucking. Yes!”

“You said yes!”

“Yes to no _dogs_.”

“You still said yes. Bec comes with me.”

“No dog or no deal!”

“Dave just let her take the dog!” you interrupt. Whoops.

Dave glowers at you. He whacks down your hands again and storms off to the office. “Fine! I’m going to bed! We ride at dawn!” And then he was gone.

You turn back to Jaya. She huffs and walks past you, following Dave.

You follow Jaya, raising your fingers at their retreating figures. Whatever do you do now?

John: Ship them like the O-T-fucking-P they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already made a separate blog on Tumblr, so you don't have to filter through my personal blog for stuff.  
> The url onceuponadissension so have at it, I guess~


	4. Chapter 3

-And now for someone completely different-

You are now Droll.

What’s your last name? Droll is your last name.

Then what’s your first name? Well, dang, you can’t remember. Let’s just call you Droll for now.

You are now Droll. You were the happy homeless man from the prologue. You are a shortish man who keeps a semi-neat appearance even for a homeless man, and you have been living in-slash-around the old Betty Crocker factory for seven years. You kept an eye on the place since it shut down and moved to New York. You are also not happy that two ne’er-do-wells have occupied your home for the past two days, all while watching them from the side like the little creeper you are. A girl had trespassed as well, and she joined the other two. Even after all of the arguing, you’re convinced she is in cahoots with them.

You step around the red designs on the floor, nearly tripping over your own feet in the process. You flip your shit and flail aimlessly until you regain your balance on a nearby wall. Whew! Good thing you didn’t disturb it. Who knows when it’ll awaken and kill everyone again. You don’t know it yet, but in your pocket holds the device that controls these things. So you really don’t have anything to worry about. You have never tried out the device.

While you were spying on the three youngsters, the device in your pocket began to vibrate and get really hot. It had never done that before, so you took it out. It was glowing an ominous gold. The four white orbs seemed to float around it is glowing and jiggling in your hand as if it were around familiar entities that were not yourself. You hold it in your hand and stare at it for so long, you space out. More yelling jolts you back to the young people. Your gaze switches from one to the other until you see the girl’s face more clearly.

That was the girl! The girl from all those years ago when Jack was arrested, you’re sure of it! Your eyes widen significantly and you scamper away from the children. You have to tell the boss!

-The next day…-

You are now Jack Noir, and have been sitting in jail for attempted murder, and are completely content with your current life. You wake up every morning, satisfied that you have dealt with the head bitch-in-charge and her stupid granddaughter heir or whatever.

That is, until your roommate, previously known in another life as simply “Boxcars”, told you a year ago when he was arrested and put into the slammer with you, that the old hag that had destroyed your planet so many years ago was very much alive and the little girl was simply missing, presumed dead, which is just fine with you. Let’s just say that you flipped out. Over the months that had commenced since then, you have been trying to escape and finish the job, but every attempt made your situation worse and eventually landed you in permanent solitary confinement. At least you still get three square meals and visiting hours. But then again, who would ever visit you?

“Hey, Noir!” the guard yelled, banging on the door roughly. He loves to rattle you while you sleep.

“Fuckin’ douche,” you mumble. Then you yell, “What?”

“You have a visitor.” The door clicks open and you are promptly placed back in cuffs.

“Glad to see someone has faith in me.” You are led from your cell to the main visiting area.

“Oh, I have faith in you. Faith that you’ll try to escape. So I’ll have the warden sit in on our discussion.”

The warden? Ugh, that guy was a joke, you thought. The dark, stout man used to be a judge and now he has taken over the jail as warden in his late middle-age. He is obsessed with caution tape and the way he decorates his office with it does not convince you that he is to be taken seriously. You are also pretty sure you both came from the same planet. You have suspected it for a long time.

You are led from your room that you have now convinced yourself you will never see again after this random visit. You have no idea who is waiting for you, but you are planning to use them in a hostage situation if necessary. You have a shank taped to your chest just in case.

You finally get to the visiting area full of tables and chairs bolted to the floor, which is roped off and isolated. Despite your relief, you physically cringe and furrow your brow, shutting your eyes tight at the sight of the visitor.

“Hey boss!” he stands up, waving with fake excitement. You squint your eyes at him, knowing that tone of your former colleague’s voice anywhere. Something terrible has happened. Or rather, something stupid. You eye the warden, dressed garishly in his usual caution tape-yellow pants with matching dress shoes, a white button-up, and a tie with overlapping caution tape designs on it, and roll your eyes.

The guard sits you down, leaving you in cuffs, and leaves. You were still glaring at nothing in particular when Droll speaks up.

“So, uh, boss, we have a problem,” he stutters.

“Stop calling me boss, you moron!” you snap, gesturing your chin towards the warden. You just notice the warden’s gavel pen in his chest pocket. For some reason, this pisses you off even more. “And get on with it, I have plans tonight.”

“Okay boss—I mean, sir.” He fidgets and shoves his hand in his pants pocket. Droll is wearing exactly the same clothes that he wore ten years ago. He truly was a homeless man. He is also nervous. You cue him to move on. “Well, I kind of saw the girl alive…” You lose it.

“What?!” you bellow, standing up. The table groans against you and the chair rips up from the floor and clatters behind you. The warden reacts immediately, subduing you and forcing you back in the chair.

“Well, I wasn’t sure at first, but then I recognized her from all those years ago!”

Through your seething, you finally calm down. “You’re positive? One hundred percent?”

“I wasn’t until…” He paused.

“Until…?”

“Until I uh…”

“Spit it out!”

He has to be positive it’s her, if only for your own sanity’s sake. If only you hadn’t thrown away that ring! Without that ring, you are powerless. It supposedly remembers the intents of its previous wearer, as long as it hasn’t been worn by somebody else. Or at least that’s what some crackpot documentary back on Derse said. In any case, you can’t exactly approach a well-protected person of interest without some serious firepower. Rather, ringpower. That ring was the key to everything: to revenge, to the future, to—

“You mean this ring thingy?” he says, pulling out that familiar gold ring with the hovering spheres around it. Your eyes widen.

“Where,” you whisper. “Did you get that?” You lick your lips, eyeing the warden again. He looked absolutely uninterested. In fact, he is completely taken by the inside of his eyelids, snoring lightly.

“Well, you threw it out that night, then I found it—”

“Give it to me!” you demand. This startles the warden awake. He frowns in disapproval. This particular jail was thick with thieves before he took over.

“But it’s just a ring,” he tells the warden. The warden is wary, but nods in approval. You stand up quickly, almost too quickly, and turn around, extending your fingers towards Droll.

He puts the ring on your finger. You smile for the first time in a year. Tonight will be the night. Well, it’s the afternoon, but still. You give Droll a secret signal with your fingers that you were positive he would still remember after so many years. You turn to face him again and he nods and ducks under the table.

You use the ring’s power to transform yourself into the familiar form of the jester hat and the sword sticking out of your chest. There is some screaming from the other visitors, but you ignore them. Your wings extend and you break your cuffs, startling the warden again. You crack your neck and saunter toward him menacingly. He scrambles to the panic button on the wall, stumbling along the way. His mistake: turning his back on you. You pull the sword from your torso and with one fatal swipe, behead the warden where he cowered.

You smirk, letting out a single “heh” and face Droll.

“Let’s scram.” He cautiously gets to his feet and you grab his arm. Sword still in hand, you cut down the bars leading to the exit, as well as the foolish humans that got in your way, dragging Droll along. You plow through the building less-than-gracefully. You reach the exit doors, accidentally decapitating the man behind the visitor’s desk. Again, the foolish human should have moved.

You break through the glass doors, simply not giving a fuck anymore, making the humans scatter and scream in different directions, toppling chairs, tripping over each other and whatnot.

Ah, sunlight.

You hate sunlight.

You turn Droll away from you, grab his underarms, and hoist yourselves straight up into the sky, your companion screaming bloody murder until you knocked him out about half an hour later.

What will you do?

Jack: Kill that bitch and her granddaughter.

And their little dog too, if they have one.

-Gadzooks! Let’s switch to the other three guys-

-Rats, I have to choose _one_?-

-Fine.-

-Be Jade-

Your name is Jaya Vantas, and you are very annoyed that you have to take the train across the entire country with three layovers and no compensation. At least your party has your own private room thing. It’s better than cots and the hard floor, you think.

You don’t think you like trains very much. You can’t go outside and feel the air through your fingertips, or have the wind blowing through your hair at top speed, or even hunt from your window, jump off and collect your loot, then jump back on. Besides, your collapsible shotgun you packed was confiscated. Life isn’t fair most of the time. You sit with your knees against your chest and your arms folded on top of them, glowering out the window at everything.

The door slid open. It’s John, the guy who is acting as your brother. You two looked nothing alike. You can’t see the resemblance, anyway. He’s holding three slices of pizza and three condensation-soaked water bottles between his arm and his stomach. Your stomach rumbles.

“Where did Dave go?” he asks, closing the door.

You shrug. You couldn’t care less where Dave is or where he went. His stupid sunglasses-covered face that you couldn’t even see annoyed you. Since day one, he’s been bossing you around, telling you to act more like a normal human, and being a real douche about it. That, and he stood by while your gun was taken away. It’s your favorite thing in the world; you even made it yourself. It’s the only thing you’re grateful to Vriska for, since she smuggled the parts over from the mainland for small favors here and there.

“Pizza?” He is obviously trying to break the tension. He sits down, allowing a whiff of the stuff to float past your nose. Your stomach rumbles again, louder this time. “I’ll take that as a yes?” he guesses, nudging the plate against your arm.

“Thanks, John,” you say sheepishly, accepting the plate. You feel bad for him, always having to hang out with that coolkid who isn’t really cool. The only one who thinks Dave Strider is cool, is Dave Strider.

As if on cue, in walks Dave Strider, sunglasses and all. He is carrying a shoebox. Since when do they have a shoe store on a train?

“Hey Dave!” John greets with that silly grin of his. “What’s in the shoebox?” he asks, pointing.

“Hey, pointing is rude,” he quips. “It’s not for you anyway.” You think your eyes meet for a split second, but he immediately turns away, putting the shoebox above their heads next to their minimal luggage.

You huff a bit and turn back to the window, spacing out. You miss your dog. He must be lonely in the baggage car. You sigh.

“Getting cold feet?” Dave asks, feeling awfully close by. You turn and find his face in very close proximity to your own.

“Wah!” you yelp, flailing slightly and hitting Dave in the nose with the back of your hand. His sunglasses fly off. You also bump the back of your head on the window in the process and crouch forward, holding the spot with both hands.

“Ah, fuck!” Dave yells, pressing his hand against his face. “Ow!”

“Jaya, what happened?” John says, pushing past Dave. “Are you okay? Did you bump your head?” You want to reply, but Dave speaks up first.

“Oh, thangs a lot, buddy,” Dave retorts. “I thought we were frienz.”

“Sorry, Dave,” John apologizes.

But that’s not enough for Dave. He turns to you.

“I thing you broge my doze!” Dave yells. You’ve seen his eyes only once before, and they’re pretty scary when he’s angry, especially in that bright red color you’ve only seen on your patron.

“Well, all men are babies anyway!” you yell back. You stand up, glaring into those red eyes at your full stature, even though you’re still shorter than him by a head, which just so happens to be another thing about him that pisses you off. There is a bump growing on the back of your head, and it’s starting to throb with the adrenaline.

Dave rolls his eyes, still angry. “John, put thoze fingurs dowd!” he orders, not even turning around. You look past Dave, and sure enough, John is holding his fingers in a rectangle shape towards you and Dave with one eye closed and a smile as wide as the Pacific itself. You have no idea why he keeps doing that. Or what he is even doing.

“No!” he laughs.

“Egberd,” Dave stretches out the “r” sound. He turns away from you. “Put. Theb down. Now.”

“Nope!”

What will you do?

Jaya: Go visit your dog.

You go visit your dog.

-Be Dave-

You are Dave Strider, and you think your nose is broken and bleeding, and it’s all that girl’s fault. How were you supposed to know that she was that easily startled? And John is doing that thing again where he puts his fingers into a rectangle shape and pretends to film what he sees. It’s like he ships you and Jaya or someshit.

“Well, I’m going to go visit my dog!” she interrupts, pushing you aside with one hand. Damn, she pushes hard! It’s no use saying “ow” again. You’re already in pain. Not pain in your nose, but pain in your neck, back, _and_ side from this girl’s entrance in your life. It’s not like she’s not enough trouble already, taking her across the country without her having to pay a dime. You got the tickets from a shady ashen guy outside the train station wearing clown pants and crazy hair. He gave them to you for the shady price of four dollars and twenty cents each. You gave him a ten-dollar bill and told him to keep the change, which he took without even looking at it, all dazed and confused for so long it ain’t true. You’re starting to wonder if they were even legit.

“Bye Jaya!” John says, waving after her. You swear that he already acts like her brother. “You know, I totally ship you two.”

“What?” you deadpan. Called it. But no. Hell no.

“Yeah, you’re totally my OTP!”

“OTP?!” You throw your arms up in frustration and remember that the world is brighter than normal and start to search for your sunglasses. “Why? I don’t even like her!”

“… Not yet,” John adds. “I just see you guys interact and I can’t help but to put my fingers up and say to myself, ‘Wow, there is attraction here!’ ”

“Attraction!” That’s it. You are done. You are so done. “Dude, what is even happening right now?”

You decide to leave your best friend alone and try to find a bar. The dining car is in the opposite direction as the baggage car, which is convenient. The less you interact with Jaya the better. You’re the director, and she’s the actress. You’re colleagues, nothing more. You shake your head and the uneasy feeling you have in your stomach goes away. Finally, you find your sunglasses up next to the shoebox and slip them on.

You open the door, slam it shut, remember there is a slice of pizza, go back, open the door, grab the pizza, and slam it shut again, shoving the overpriced food in your mouth all at once.

You fumble your way through the cars, dodging children and carelessly tossed bags in the walkway. Somewhere, your bro is laughing at you. You have never been too nimble on mass transportation vehicles. You really should learn to flashstep while in motion better. Your swag meter is really taking a dive right now. Good thing Jaya isn’t here to see you.

Were you just thinking about Jaya _again_? You seriously need to stop before she goes and infects your brain like a parasite that doesn’t really do much harm at first, but then you start getting used to her and then she sucks the life right out of you.

Finally, you get to the dining car, and lo and behold there is a bar, complete with a bartender. The guy doesn’t look like much of a threat, more like a relaxed and laid-back sort of guy, so you casually approach and sit on one of the stools bolted to the floor.

“I’ll have a Rita,” you say. A Texas Rita. Your bro calls cocktails girly drinks. You like them ironically, though. It’s more like you hate the taste of alcohol even more than those damn smuppets he’s always making.

“Beat it, kid,” the bartender says without looking up from cleaning the glass.

“Hey, if you need an ID, I have one right—”

“You’re not twenty-one, so get.” How does he even know?

“You’re right, I’m twenty-two.”

He looks up from the glass with only his eyes and you notice the small diamond tattoo next to his eye, like a fuckin’ teardrop tat you get in jail when you kill someone. His ice-blue eyes nearly pierces through your gaze in this crazy staredown. “Leave, or I’ll have you thrown off at the next station.”

You sigh and ask for apple juice instead. He gives you a cold one and you make your way back to your car. You are so thirsty that you finish it before you get there. You sigh and toss the empty bottle on someone’s chair.

It doesn’t seem that you were gone that long, but already the sun was setting. Probably because you were going East. Three-hour time difference and all that. Plus going in the other direction away from the sun was like going fast-forward into the future. Kind of like time traveling and the mindfucks it gives you. You don’t think you could ever handle time-travel. Time shenanigans are not your style.

You stop and stare at the door to the tiny room thing that you, John, and Jaya share for a few moments. You cautiously open the door a crack, just in case Jaya was in there chatting it up with John… or worse… You shove the uncomfortable anger away and gag instead. You peek inside. Coast is clear. You slide it open all the way and go in. You nearly sit down when you realize the seat is breathing.

You freak out a bit and jump to the left, raising your arms in the same direction. If this were a comic, you would have had an exclamation point at the side of your head in surprise.

Oh, it’s just Jaya. Sleeping. Like. Right there. And you almost sat on her. You’re still thinking about sitting on her. No, Dave, that would be rude. You decide not to and sit on the other side, putting your elbows on your widespread knees.

She had taken her glasses off and is now clutching them like they were going to get stolen while she slept. Her mouth is slightly parted, showing her surprisingly cute buck teeth. Hair had fallen onto her face, so it was partially hidden. The rest of her long hair acted sort of like a blanket. Her clothes also hang off of her, like she had inherited them from a much larger person. For some reason, you think she would look really good in blue…

Before you even realize it, you’re looming over her sleeping, curled up form, about to bend down and do something. You snap out of it and stand up straight again. You purse your lips and feel your face getting warm for some reason. You hit the side of your head with your palm and look towards the shoebox behind you. You sigh and reach for it, opening the box. You have no idea how to put a shotgun together, so you just close the box again and hold it in your lap.

After a few minutes of aimless staring out of the window, you sigh and put the shoebox back in its place and slump down where you were before to take a nap. You barely lean your head back on the chair when John bursts in.

“Guys wake up!” he yells, startling both you and Jaya from her sleep. “We have a problem!”

Will you kill your best friend?

Probably.

-Be John-

You are John Egbert, and you are all officially screwed.

“Guys, wake up! We have a problem!”

“Dude! I was going to take a nap!” Dave replies, annoyed.

Jaya sits up and rubs her eyes. “What’s going on?”

“These tickets are bunk,” you say, presenting one.

“What?” Dave reacts. He smacks his forehead. “I knew it, I fucking knew it…” he mumbles.

“Oh, no!” Jaya says. “What’ll we do?”

“I don’t know!” you panic. You’ve been racking your brain for the last five minutes trying to find a solution to your predicament.

“What exactly is wrong with them?” Dave asks coolly, trying to mask his anger.

You take a breath. “Okay. So I compared our ticket to someone else’s because I was curious, and instead of the last four digits of the ticket number be letters, they’re numbers. So I ran off and came straight here. And also the ticket guy is coming.”

Jaya’s eyes widen. Dave makes a stink face.

“Well, we all know what this means,” Dave pipes up.

“What?” you ask, afraid for the answer.

“We’re going to go hang out with Jaya’s dog for a while.”

-Ten minutes later-

“Ugh, why is it so cold in here?” you complain. “There’s no heat in here!”

“Imagine how Bec feels!” Jaya says, cradling her dog in her lap. She sits on top of some boxes that may or may not be filled with explosive contrabands. The “TNT” logo is poorly crossed out with squiggly lines.

“Dogs have fur coats,” Dave corrects her, also shivering.

“Shut up, Dave! He’s still a puppy!”

“Holy _shit_ you are sensitive!” Dave hisses through his teeth. “John, how long do we have to stay in here?”

“Well, uh,” you stammer, looking for the right way to put it as gently as possible. “Probably…” You gulp. “For the rest of the trip?” You shrug. It’s not like you planned it or anything! It just turned out that way. You brace for impact.

All Dave does is let out a frustrated scoff, and almost unnoticeably at the same time, Jaya. “At least it’s not January.” He purses his lips and eyes the shoebox that he was so intent on bringing. Whatever it was, you determined it to be important to Dave.

“Well,” Jaya pipes up twenty minutes later. “If we’re going to be here a while, we might as well make a bed or at least living quarters. Did anyone bring blankets?”

You and Dave exchange glances. You two expected to sleep in hotels and train-provided bedding so it was all left at the factory where you found it. After that, when you two had gotten the money, you would live the high life. You were the only one that shook your head.

Jaya sighed. “You guys probably didn’t pack any jackets either, huh?”

“Ooh! I have a parka!” you say enthusiastically.

Jaya nodded. “Okay, and?”

“I packed two sweaters,” Dave answers. Jaya looks at him quizzically. You had never taken him for a sweater guy, either. “What? It’s colder than what I’m used to , okay?”

“You grew up with me on an island!” you say exasperatedly.

“You grew up with me on an island!” he mocks in a higher-pitched voice.

“Shut up!” Jaya yells. “Jeez, you’re just like my other family back at the island!”

“What other family?” you and Dave ask simultaneously.

After an hour of Jaya’s explanation of these gray people finding her and raising her on an island not far from your own, you are still very confused. Now you have a headache. You feel like taking a nap. A nap sounds excellent right now. You yawn behind your hand and lay out on your back between the tied-down suitcases and other assorted boxes.

John: Try to sleep.

-Be Dave again-

You are Dave Strider, and you have questions about Jaya’s questionable past.

“So, these relatives of yours,” you start. “They’re not really related, right?”

“Not to me, no, but they are kind of to each other,” she answers honestly. She scratches awkwardly at the back of her head. “It’s kind of hard to explain.”

“Not to be of the offending kind, but this Karkat guy, is he the reason you’re so emotional all the damn time?” You don’t mean to be harsh, but you just mean to be harsh. She squints at you in response.

“Probably. But I’m pretty sure he has Kanaya to keep him in control.”

“They sound like they’re dating or something.” You shift into a cross-legged position.

“I wish!” she laughs. “He gets so embarrassed whenever she’s around! She’s really good with the little ones, but they also like to pile on him, so she steps in to help a lot.” That smile… so she can be human sometimes. She has hope after all.

“Fuckin’ dream team babysitters.”

“Fuck yeah,” she says, a smile growing on her face. You spoke too soon.

She takes a deep breath and moves her dog from her lap to the top of the box beside her. How the hell is it even still sleeping. You thought puppies were awake all the time and never this well-behaved. You’re beginning to think that dog isn’t exactly normal. She jumps down gracefully and picks up the parka and both sweaters.

“So, do you miss it?” she asks, walking over to John’s sleeping form.

“What?” you reply, following her.

“The island you grew up on.”

“Oh. Not really.” You didn’t mean to say that. You actually did miss the size. Not too big, not too small. Lots of open space for strife battles.

“I miss my island.” She sighs again. “Everyone was so good to me, even though I wasn’t like them. Even Karkat sometimes.”

You had nothing to say to that. You have a feeling you would hate this Karkat guy for a number of reasons.

“The truth is, they wanted me to go work at this factory in Olympia, but I got—ended up in Seattle instead, where you guys were. I changed my mind and wanted to look for my real family instead of working.”

“That’s a noble calling,” you semi-mock. Damn it. You close your eyes in frustration at the tone that came out with that statement. You did it again.

“I think so,” she smiles again, unaware of your sarcasm. She puts the sweaters on one arm and tucks a lock of hair around her ear. “Okay.” She stands next to John, who is now officially sound asleep. She lays down one of the sweaters next to John and the parka on the other, and carefully rolls him onto the parka. She scootches the first sweater closer to him, and lays the other sweater on his other side.

“What are you doing?” you ask in a sort of demanding tone.

“Making our bed.”

“I’m not sleeping next to John.”

“Well, it’s either that or sleeping next to me!”

“I’d rather sleep by myself.”

“Trust me on this, Dave, you’ll freeze.”

“Nope.”

“I’ve been camping before, and it’s always a good idea to sleep huddled up in a group!” John stirs, which makes you both shut up. He doesn’t move again, so she continues. “So come on!”

“Give me the damn sweater.”

“Ugh, fine! Freeze to death!” She throws the sweater at you and kneels next to John, laying herself down on the sweater. Most of it hangs over your shoulder, and one arm crosses your face. Good thing she threw the good sweater at you, because if she threw the crappy one, she would have had another thing coming. You turn on your heel, trying to get rid of the mental image of Jaya and John embracing each other while they slept. You grit your teeth, muttering.

You turn back to them stubbornly and set up the sweater next to Jaya. She was now in the middle.

“Dave, what—”

“I’m not sleeping next to him. Trust me on this.” You lay down on the sweater, facing away from her, trying not to overthink things again.

Dave: Sleep.

-Okay, enough Dave. Be the girl this time.-

Jaya: Dream.

You are now Jaya, and having a good dream. A dream where you are playing with someone your age with the same dark hair and bright, blue eyes. You are in a dark place, but it wasn’t scary. You two were playing. Playing hide and seek. Someone else was It, though. Who? You heard her voice, but it was garbled. Suddenly, the earth shook and things started to collapse all around you. You heard someone calling your name in the distance.

“Jaya!” Your eyes shoot open. The earth really is shaking, but it’s the train. Things that were tied down before had been broken loose and shifting every which way. Your vision finally clears when your glasses are shoved into your hands, surprisingly unharmed given the circumstances.

“What’s going on?!” you shout above the horrid screeching of the train.

“I have no idea!” John shouts back. He is holding your hands. “Dave went to check it out!” The door flew open. It was Dave.

“We’re the only ones on this train!” he reports, yelling. “The only ones alive, anyway!”

“What?!” you yell. “How?”

“I don’t know! Everyone’s dead, or thrown off, or something!”

Your thoughts went to the passengers. Some of them were children! What could have happened to make them all disappear or be killed? You shudder, trying not to let your thoughts wander to everyone at the island, and if it had been the wigglers instead.

“They all had holes in their chests, like something huge stabbed them…” Dave seemed lost in thought, remembering. Your head starts to hurt at the thought. Holes… getting stabbed… it all seemed so familiar…

“Guys!” John called from the doorway. Both you and Dave look over at him. He’s pointing at something in the direction the runaway train was heading. You look over his shoulder, down his arm. Your eyes widen again.

In the distance, there was an approaching bridge. On the bridge’s old-fashioned wooden structure, there were large red roots covering it like vines. In a matter of seconds, the vines crushed the bridge, making the entire thing shatter and fall into the canyon below. You freeze in shock for a moment.

“You don’t see that every day,” John commented.

“We need to get off this train!” Dave orders. “Does anyone have any ideas?”

Bec barks in response.

“I didn’t ask you, furball!”

“Hey!” you scold, breaking out of the trance.

“Well, if no one has any better ideas, I say we jump before we hit that gorge!” Dave says, pointing.

“The train’s going too fast!” you protest. “We’ll die from the sheer force of hitting the ground at this velocity! Or at least from hitting a tree or a rock!”

“Ooh, someone’s got it _allll_ figured out!” Dave argues.

“Guys, shut up!” John interrupts. “I have a plan!”

John tells you both the plan. Dave already has a comment.

“That’s the stupidest plan I have ever heard, Egbert!”

“Let’s do it!” you say. Dave balks at you. “It’s better than jumping just willy-nilly!”

“Fine, whatever!” Dave throws up his arms in defeat. “What do I need to do?”

John looks around and the train jostles violently, sending everyone into the air. John lands on his stomach on a pile of luggage, Dave lands against the wall a few feet from him, and you land face-first onto Dave’s chest.

“Ow!” you say, rubbing your knee which had hit the ground upon impact. You realize where you are and scramble away, kicking Dave in the process. John smirked, but shook his head, scrambling around for something.

“It’s bad enough hitting the wall, but damn it, Jaya! You’re really heavy, you know that?” Dave remarks.

“I hate you so much right now,” you mumble.

You eye the shoebox Dave had been trying to hide from you earlier. The top had fallen off, probably while you all were in the air. A familiar metallic color grabs your attention. You make your way over to it, hoping it’s what you think it is. The wobbling of the train doesn’t help your journey. You get there and see exactly what you had hoped to see. You turn to Dave to demand an explanation, but he’s already helping John with the plan. You turn back to your beloved shotgun, feeling a bit guilty. He even managed to get back the special bullets that you and Nepeta had custom-built for larger animals. You didn’t know what kind of “larger animals” she meant at the time, but they seem to be perfect for John’s idea now. No time to waste.

Jaya: Put your shotgun together.

-Time to be Jack!-

You are now Jack Noir. Duh, we just said that.

Everything is going to plan. You had found the little brat heading west on an express train. Her two companions have no idea who she is, do they? Not like it matters. They will die as well. You used your ring as a homing device and got her whereabouts on the train. She was not one of the passengers that the Red Miles had eradicated, so just to be sure, you had them destroy the bridge.

Flying alongside, for some reason, you think the train wasn’t going as fast as you wanted it to. You narrowed down their location to the baggage car, so you cut off the passenger cars behind them with your sword to lighten the load. The train does indeed go faster. You bolt to the other side of the canyon, where the bridge was intended to connect the two masses of land, and sit on the edge, awaiting the eventual explosion you have anticipated for a very long time.

Jack: Sit and wait.

You sit and wait.


	5. Chapter 4

-I bet you’re all wondering what happened to that random bartender, huh?-

-You know, the one with the diamond tattoo on his eye?-

-No?-

-I’ll tell you anyway.-

Random Bartender: Hang out in a dream bubble with your friends.

What friends?

“Me,” says a guy with a heart tattoo on his wrist.

Oh God, not that guy.

“Let’s go kill some green aliens. Whaddya say?”

Fine. But not before you read your favorite weekly column in the newspaper.

-Alright, enough intermissions. Back to the main characters.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned the [7] followers on Tumblr about there being silliness and song for Tuesday's chapter  
> Well, here is the silliness, and next is the song...  
> art credits: I took the picture and I did some crappy trackpad art (more silliness, yay)  
> And I'm really sorry for not posting last night, my laptop is going through some..... issues........ and I fell asleep early.  
> So here's two chapters at once ^_^


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter was silliness, so here is the song~ (along with more silliness)  
> (I highly recommend going to the blog and look up the song in the tag "chapter 5" if you have never seen the movie because it gets quite confusing, especially if you haven't memorized it like I have. Or you can YouTube the song, idk. Sorry if you're on mobile and you haven't heard the song before :/ You'll know when the song is coming, I won't spring it on ya, so don't worry about it)

-And now back to the main characters.-

-Let’s be Dave again-

You are now Da—THERE IS NO TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT.

The train is approaching the destroyed bridge fast now. There is little time left, but the preparations are now complete. Jade had collected all of the belongings, and had apparently found the shotgun you were trying to hide. You groan, determining that her finding it was just a matter of time. All these time metaphors are just coming to you naturally. You don’t bother to wonder why.

“It’s about time!” John says. “Phase two!”

Phase one was basically to tie all of the chains together to make one long chain, then making some kind of anchor out of the end to hook on the tracks in an attempt to slow the car down. Before that, you have to prepare phase two: disconnecting the engine. The only problem is that the two cars are bolted together to prevent that from happening. It’s like the engineers thought bandits were going to rob civilian luggage like some Western.

“You didn’t think this through, did you?” you deadpan.

“It was such a good plan!” he shouts to the heavens, falling to his knees dramatically.

“You two! Move!” Jaya says, pushing past you and John. With a large bag on her back, obviously filled with everyone’s stuff, she cocks her gun, kneels close to the link, and aims, bracing herself with her feet. She must be crazy to think that those little bullets will be powerful enough to—

_BLAM!_

As soon as the gun shoots, the train immediately jolts and sends you and John flying and hit the back walls of the car with a loud clang. Jaya was prepared and only slides a few feet. You can only assume that the gun did its job and had completely disconnected the cars. She stands up quickly, stumbles towards you and John, and throws the side door open.

“Let’s get out of here!” she commands. You and John get off your asses and warily stare at the fast-moving, but much slower than before, ground. The bridge is very close, and they have to get off _now_.

“But—” John began to say. Jaya shoves him out. “But I wasn’t ready!” His voice fades instantly.

“Your turn,” you say, shoving Jaya in the same manner.

“Hey!” she yells as she falls.

“Alley-oop!” you say, jumping off mere meters before the baggage car reached the gorge. You do a tumble as you land, protecting your head. You try to stop in a cool pose, but end up face-first on the ground, looking like a chump. You’re just gonna stay this way for a while. That sounds like a good idea.

Dave: Pass out.

-Now let’s change to the best character in this whole story-

Bec: Rescue your humans.

You are now Becquerel. Bark.

Everyone passed out after they jettisoned themselves from the train. Ruff.

You save Jade first. _Your_ human. Bark.

Then you save John, her brother. Bark.

Then you save Dave. Growl.

You drag them to form a loose pile under a tree. Bow-wow.

Hopefully, they’ll wake up soon. You’re starting to get lonely. Whine.

-Be Jack again-

Jack: Watch the magnificent explosions.

The train came rushing down the track at a magnificent pace. It approached the bridge, accelerating with every second that ticked by. The engine came first, then the baggage car, one-by-one careening off the track, and exploding. You smile as the firestorm warms your face. You fly off to your secret hideout, where your comrade is currently waiting. Well, you don’t really consider him your comrade yet. He’s more like a tumor that’s giving you useful advice.

“You should have let me blow up the bridge, boss,” he mutters as you materialize at the entryway to the cave. He crosses his arms at his little workbench, if you can even call it that. It consists of two simple piles of rocks with one large flat one laying across them to be a makeshift table. It’s so shitty and wobbly that you barely understand why he’s still using it. It takes all of your power not to push it over. That, and he’s mixing chemicals together expertly, wibbly-wobbly table and everything. You may be immortal, but your companion is not, and you think you would feel bad if it was you who caused his death when he was still at least a little bit useful to you.

“Really now?” you challenge half-heartedly, smug in your victory. You think about taking off the ring, but it feels nice having powers again. Plus flying is what got you here, and flying is what will get you out. “How would you have done it?”

“Well, first of all,” he said while standing up and dusting himself off. “I would have gone up to her and give her a HA!” He karate-chopped the air. “And a Hai-YAH!” He punched the air with his other hand. “And a WOOOOO-AH!” He does what can only be described in a samurai movie with a name that was after some beast that was not even capable of human movements. “And I’d kick her, sir.” He adds sheepishly.

You laugh.

And laugh.

He starts laughing too.

You give him a death glare. Only you’re allowed to laugh. You’re the one that did all the hard work.

“My only disappointment is that I didn’t drive my sword through her myself,” you lament. You’re saving that for the evil queen bitch. You lean back against the cave wall and close your eye.

“But you didn’t.”

“Of course not. That’s what the train was for.” Your mind instant-replays the scene.

You had cut off the rest of the cars, leaving the engine and the baggage car. You destroyed the bridge. You sat and waited. First the engine came, then the baggage car. Then, magnificent flames.

Wait a minute. Your eye snaps open.

You made sure leave those two connected.

How come they crashed separately?

It can’t be. You snarl slightly, showing Droll your sharp teeth.

Why didn’t you notice it before?

~~You shoot a look towards the narrator. The narrator shrugs and says you’re stupid. Too bad you can’t break the fourth wall with the ring. The narrator made sure that little fact did not make it into this story.~~

“Whatcha doin’, boss?” Droll interrupts your thoughts. You break away from glaring at nothing. It looks like he has made enough bombs for the next phase in their quest.

“Collect the explosives. We have no time to lose,” you order. You swear, you are going to kill that little bitch in person after you kill her beloved not-even-related-by-species grandmother. Slowly. Intimately. You need a Plan B.

“Yes, sir!” He salutes. You roll your eyes and stew, glaring against the bright sun.

You really hate this planet and everyone on it.

Jack: Be the blonde girl.

What a ridiculous statement. You cannot be the blonde girl yet because you have finally become the Batterbitch.

-Hey let’s go to NYC-

You are now Betty Crocker.

And you are completely fed up with these fake Jade impersonators. Ever since you put out that silly broadcast over the primitive televised airwaves, you have had it up to your _fins_ with the hoofbeastshit ploys that were so blatantly obvious that you didn’t need the rings you had left to see that they were illegitimate. You weren’t even sure that the message would get out in the first place, since the signal only covered a small percentage of the planet.

That, and you have every detail of your granddaughter’s visage committed to memory, and none even come close. But now you do not need human technology to find her anymore. Everything that you have tried has failed or fallen apart. You give humans credit for inventing the photo-aging technology by themselves, though. You gave them a family portrait and received a computer-generated image of what she would look like today. You kept it on your person at all times. It was frayed and wrinkled, but not a day went by when you did not gaze at it, wondering what she was doing at that moment.

“Madam,” Rose interseades your thoughts. “Today’s flavor is Jasmine.” You can’t remember the car ride from headquarters to your penthouse apartment. Now, you’re sitting in your same chair, staring out the same window, and glaring at the same garish sunset.

“Ah, an old favorite,” you lament. You take a sip. “Isn’t it a little early for Jasmine to be in season?”

“I rush-ordered this from a friend who has a personal supply,” she replied.

“Hm.” You take another sip. It’s fresh and flavorful. Absolute perfection. “Tell your friend she has pleased me greatly.”

“That might be difficult to accomplish at this time.”

“How so?” Surely she jests. No one is too busy for such an important person as yourself.

Rose picks up on your annoyance and answers carefully. “We have lost our main form of communication recently. The very last communication I sent was interrupted right after my request for the tea. I am surprised she managed to get it here at all. ” She sounded troubled when she spoke about her friend. “It seems that we have to resource to writing letters, which takes much longer than technology.” But sometimes your secretary talks too much.

“I see,” you say, hoping the message got across.

“My apologies, madam.” She bows her head and closes her eyes. After finishing the tea, she collects the set and starts to walk away.

“Miss Lalonde,” you call without turning.

“Yes?”

You had been thinking about it for a long time. A very long time. “Call off the search.” She’s probably an old woman by now, if she were alive at all. You pat the inside pocket, where you had the picture at all times. You take it out, and not even unfolding it, you hold it out in Rose’s general direction. “And shred this immediately.”

You hear her take in a short breath. “Very good, Madam.” You hear her walking swiftly before feeling the primitive parchment slip from your fingers. She closes the door softly and leaves you to your own devices.

What will you do?

Imperial Condescension: Abandon whatever emotions you have left in your metaphorical blood-pusher.

-Let’s see how our heroes are doing-

John: Wake up.

You cannot wake up, you are too busy dreaming about your dreamgirl girlfriend, sparkling cocktail dress and everything.

Jade: Wake up.

You are now Jaya Maryam, and you have just woken up from a very strange dream involving grotesque squid creatures. You blink your eyes open to bright sunlight and for a second, you think you’re back on the island with your Troll family, soon to be pounced on by the younger ones, give or take Nepeta. You wonder how they’re doing now that they have only Karkat to ambush on a daily basis. They liked Karkat because he was so much fun to rile up. They liked you because you were an alien. You laugh to yourself at the thought of telling them that _they_ were actually the aliens.

You hear a small giggle to your left. You sit up and see John on his back, smiling in his sleep. You clamp your hand over your mouth to cover up your laughing. You wonder if he’s dreaming about something nice. Or some _one_. You smile and shake your head.

Unconsciously, you turn your head to the right to see Dave face-down in the dirt, Bec sitting between his shoulder blades, panting and thumping his tail against Dave’s head. You can only laugh when you imagine what his face is going to look like when wakes up covered in dirt. His sunglasses must be really scratched up.

“Good dog, best friend,” you say, reaching over and stroking his head and neck. “Did you drag us here together?” Bec barks in response. “You’re a strong puppy, aren’t you?” He licks your hand and you giggle. You’ve stopping being surprised at what Bec can do a long time ago.

Dave starts to stir and you retreat your hand, leading Bec off of him. It just so happens to be the perfect time to take Bec on a walk. You nearly trip over the huge sack you threw off the train trying to power walk fast enough before Dave could see you. Bec bounds along happily beside you.

The trees around here are nothing like your island’s trees. The trees you grew up with had nice, low branches and were perfect for climbing. You had hundreds of races with the others growing up. You got pretty good at getting to the top of those trees very quickly. However, the trees here are not so good for climbing. The closest branches to the ground were at least thirty feet up. You sigh. Oh well, you guess you won’t climb _these_ trees. You really hope that New York has good trees to climb when you got there.

You decide to race Bec from tree to tree instead, making a loop around each tree before moving on. He always won, somehow. You never saw how he did it with his short puppy legs.

Twenty minutes later, you collapse into a clearing and watch while Bec ran around for half an hour. You decide to return to where the guys are sleeping. They should have woken each other up by now.

As you approach the temporary campsite, you hear them talking. You strain to hear what they were talking about, but they’re definitely talking about you. You get closer and snap twig. “Damn!” you mutter, clinching your eyes shut as they cut each other off. You facepalm. You’re a better tracker than this, get it together! They don’t know that you were pretty much _the_ hunter on your island (a mistake like that when hunting the rare, larger prey got you plenty of smacks to the back of the head from Karkat and being called incompetent for letting a week’s worth of meat get away), so you pretend you did it on purpose and reveal yourself.

“Oh! Hey, Jaya!” John says, startled when you emerge from the bushes. He turns away from Dave and towards you.

“What?” you reply, pulling your mouth into a diagonal line.

“We need to talk about some things.” Dave nudges him roughly from behind. His face contorts as he tries to awkwardly explain. “Ow! Okay, lots of things…”

You’re not sure you like where this is heading. “What things?”

“Well, there’s uh, the um…”

“Your manners suck,” Dave cuts in.

Your hands find your hips immediately. “Well, your manners suck!” you retort.

“And you’re a mess,” he continues.

“Well that’s really rude.” You point at his face. “Have you seen yourself lately? Yeah, not really a role model, are we?” You can totally tell he’s squinting his eyes underneath those shades, which are annoyingly hardly even scratched despite falling off a train. He runs his hand along his face to make sure he got all the dirt off, which he had.

“Your manners still suck.”

“Hey, Dave?” John said after what seemed like hours of intense glaring at Dave. He turns, sunglasses still on. “Let me try.”

Dave puts up his arms in defeat. “Fine, whatever. Do your fake-brother-sister thing and shit. I’m out of here.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and stormed off.

“Is he always this emotional?” you ask when he is out of earshot.

“No, not really,” John answers. He raises an eyebrow, putting his thumb and forefinger on his chin thoughtfully. “It’s very suspicious.” He pauses. You conclude that John is even more suspicious in that pose. “Oh well! Anyway, Dave is kind of right, though.”

“Ugh,” you groan and lean your head on the nearest tree. “Am I really that animalistic?”

“Not, animalistic,” John reassures you. Trying, anyway. He rambles on about you being nice to some people and mean to everyone else was a bad thing.

“Bull _shit_! I’m nice to people!” you yell. You can tell he doesn’t believe a word. “Aah!” You’re nice! You think. There was the guy back in Seattle that you were nice to, and then there was… Uh… Hm… “I…”

“You kind of sound like you’re having some internal conflicts.”

What the hell? You draw your eyebrows together.

“That’s okay, we’ll find a cure for your bad manners!”

Okay, now he’s just insulting you. You put your hands on your face and fight every instinct not to punch him in the face. Why does he look so happy about it anyway?

“I’m frustrated, too, Jade. You just have to act like a normal person, that’s all!”

You sigh, giving up.

“Need a minute?”

You nod.

“Okay, I’ll be uh… over there.” He points in two different directions and stumbles off in another.

You let out an exasperated sigh and lean back against a tree with your arms still crossed. Why were you doing this again? You’re really confused, not to mention you are literally out in the middle of nowhere with two guys you just met, hoping to get help from the famed Betty Crocker to help you find your family, that is, _if_ she believes you enough to help you. You look up at the clouds through the yellowing leaves, hoping to find the answer within them. You focus on one spot, the sky changing from blue to white and back again.

What would Karkat say? “WHAT? WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME? GO AWAY, I’M BUSY TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.” After that he’d probably yell at you to go ask Kanaya.

What would Kanaya say? “You Must Be Able To Follow Through On Decisions Or You Will Regret Them Later”. Then she’d tell you to go back to your patron to help him with the young ones.

Breathe in, breathe out. In through the nose, out through the mouth. You made your decision, and now you’re going to follow through. Thinking of your family had a calming effect on you. You straighten up and find John not far from where you just were, picking flowers.

“Really?” you say, interrupting his thoughts this time. He yelps and fell backward, making you giggle. “What are the flowers for?”

He leans back over the patch. “For my Rose,” he says, smiling way too much.

“Did you nickname her after a flower? I think that’s so cute!”

“No, that’s her name! We met online, and we text sometimes. She lives in New York City.” He had quite a collection so far in his hand. It’s a variety of wildflowers from around the area arranged in no order whatsoever. Whoever this Rose was, she was a lucky lady. “Honestly, she’s one of the reasons I’m so happy that we’re actually going to New York. She’s letting us couch-surf at her place.”

“I still think it’s cute.” You almost ask to help him when you remember what you came to find him for in the first place. “Well, John, I think I’m ready.”

“Finally,” a familiar semi-husky voice expresses from behind. You and John turn, both startled. “Come on, I found a road.” He was carrying the huge backpack on his back like it was weightless, even though your own experiences hadn’t been that easy. You figure it’s at least twenty pounds.

“What’s plan B then?” John asks. You and he follow Dave through the path he had blazed to the lonely road.

“Plan B is an awesome plan. The best plan you and Jada have ever dreamed of.”

“Jaya,” you corrected.

“Whatever. Better than every plan that all of John’s favorite movies can come up with.”

“Hey!” John reproaches.

“Oh my God, John, it was a joke,” Dave says as he rolls his head around on his shoulders. You guess he did it because you can’t see his eyes rolling behind those dumb sunglasses. “Anyway, to prevent any more shenanigans like the whole train crash thing from happening again, we’re going to take a bus.”

“All the way to new York?” you ask. That’s a long time on a bus. The train had proved you're not so good with cramped spaces with no open air.

“No, all the way to North Carolina.”

“Is that where New York City is?”

Dave turns his head to you, his expression, as much as you can see anyway, priceless. “What? No, that’s where we take a boat. A cruise, to be specific.”

“Hmph. I do have one question, though.”

“And what’s that?”

“Why don’t we just fly?”

Dave stops dead in his tracks. You and John follow suit. He turns his head towards you slowly and robotically.

“I will not stand for airplane and bunny jokes for eight hours, plus a layover in Detroit!”

“Oh, come on, Dave!” Now it's John’s turn to roll his eyes. “I stopped liking that movie years ago!”

“And I will never let you live it down, bro.” Dave continues trudging through the brush.

You follow him easily, but hear John let out frustrated yells as he stumbles along the way. You could have sworn he's muttering about some guy named Nick who lived in a cage or something.

“After the boat, we dock in New York. John's contact girlfriend or someshit says we can stay with her, so we’ll be living the high life the whole time we’re there instead of living in a cheap motel with maids who don’t speak good English.”

You look at John. “Does this contact have a name that sounds like a flower?” you guess.

“The one and only,” Dave betrays John.

“Dave!” John shouts. “I will kick you in the balls!”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Egsplat.”

John looks deep in thought for a moment. He then gets a mischievous grin on his face. “I’ll sing,” he taunts.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“I will! I will do it!”

“Oh, God, help us all, we have regular Michael Crawford in the house!”

“I’ll get Jaya to join me!” You like the sound of that.

“And I’ll get you to join in, too!”

“You’ll never get me to sing for as long as I live, and after I die, and if we’re reincarnated into another timeline and I become a super-famous-movie-producer-slash-disc-jockey, even then I will never sing.”

“Yes you will.”

“No I won’t.”

“Watch me. Hey Jaya?”

“Yeah?” you answer.

“You want to know your fake life story?”

“Sure! Where did it start?”

“Oh my God.” Dave comments.

Jade: Learn how to do it, too.

-Hey let’s go to someone who won’t completely ruin the mood-

John: Sing.

“It all started one fine day…” you say. You clear your throat in preparation to sing. This was going to be the greatest song in the history of all things sung ever.

-On second thought, we’ll go to Dave-

Dave: Comment on the random musical number.

You are now Dave strider, and you are seriously wondering where the sudden music is coming from.

John  
We were born in a mansion by the sea!

Jaya  
A mansion by the sea? Really?

John  
Yep! That’s right!

You  
(no not really you were born in a hospital)

John  
(dave, stop ruining it!) We rode spaceships when we were only three!

Jaya  
Spaceships? Like in space?

John  
And the spaceship…

You  
(it was an evil killing machine that could in some bullshit alternate timeline slaughter millions of people because it belonged to aliens from outer space)

Jaya  
(dave!!)

John  
We made faces, and terrorized the cook! Threw him in the brook…

Jaya  
Were we wild?

You  
Wrote the screenplay.

John  
But we behaved when our Grandma gave that look!

You  
Just imagine how it was... (living with that hag terrorizing her employees and her family)

John  
(dave, you’re being immature!) Your long-forgotten past!

You and John  
We’ve lots and lots to teach you and the time is going fast!

Jaya  
Okay, I’m ready!

John  
Now, shoulders back and stand up tall…

You  
Do not walk but try to float (how the hell do i even know what to sing)

John  
(just go with it!)

Jaya  
I feel a little weird, is this floating?

John  
Well, kinda…

You  
You give a bow.

Jaya  
What happens now?

John  
Your hand receives a kiss. (go on.)

Jaya  
(*she blushes*)

You  
(what no)

John  
(daaaave)

You  
(this all seems very premeditated)

Jaya  
(it’s okay, you don’t have to)

You  
(stop dont rush me)  
(*you kiss Jaya on the hand*)  
(okay now what)

John  
(we continue the song!)

You and John  
Most of all remember this!

John  
If Dave can learn to do it, you can learn to do it!

You  
Fuck you, John.

You and John  
There’s nothing to it!

You  
(what the hell is going on)

John  
(would you stop breaking the fourth wall?!)

You  
(make me egderp)

John  
Follow in my footsteps, shoe by shoe!

You and John  
You can learn to do it, too!

John  
(dave, you’re not even in the right key!) Now, elbows in and sit up straight!

You  
(oh my god fine) And always choose red velvet cake.

Jaya  
I’ve always loved red velvet cake!

John  
She said that like our father Jake!

You  
The pancake mix.

John  
The recipes!

Jaya  
Some cake and then goodnight?

You and John  
Not until you get this right!

John  
If Dave can learn to do it…

You  
(sigh) If I could learn to do it…

You and John  
You can learn to do it!

John  
Just be nice to people…

You and John  
And you’ll pull through it!

John  
Tell yourself it’s easy…

You and John  
And it’s true! You can learn to do it, too!

John  
Now let’s memorize the names of the Ancestors. Now here is Darkleer…

You  
(when did we get in a one horse open carriage) He shot The Sufferer

John  
In the Hearterer

Jaya  
Whoa!

John  
And our dear Grand Highblood loved to paint blood.

You  
Got it Jaya?

Jaya  
No!

John  
The pirate Mindfang…

Jaya  
She was…?

You  
Tall!

John  
The Dolorosa!

Jaya  
Had a…?

You  
Kid!

John  
Disciple!

You  
Wore a furry pelt?

John  
I’ve heard she’s living in the wild.

Jaya  
And I recall she was a cat!

Bec  
Rar-rar-rar-rar-rar!

John  
I don’t believe we told her that…

Jaya  
If Dave can learn to do it, I can learn to do it!

John  
Don’t know how you knew it!

Jaya  
I simply knew it! Suddenly I feel like someone new!

You and John  
Jaya you’re a dream come true!  
If I/Dave can learn to do it!

John  
(this actually might work, dave!)

You  
(told you)

Jaya  
If I can learn to do it!

You  
(and did i mention the random double decker bus in the middle of north carolina)

You and John  
You can learn to do it!

Jaya  
You can learn to do it!

You and John  
Pull yourself together!

You, Jaya, John  
And you’ll pull through it!

John  
Tell yourself it’s easy…

You, Jaya, John  
And it’s true—

You and John  
You can learn some etiquette!

Jaya  
Nothing to it!

You, Jaya, John  
You can learn to do it, too!

The music ends in a flourish, leaving you, Jaya, and John posing in a silly, choreographed manner. You look around at all the people surrounding you and your party and wonder why they weren’t rubbernecking at the three of you for randomly singing in public across the country. Somehow, the three of you had journeyed the length of approximately two-thousand miles in a span of three-and-a-half minutes.

You still hate trains.

Dave: Wave it off and get on the freaking boat.


	7. Chapter 6

-Meanwhile, in a remote part of the country-

Jack: Investigate crash.

You are now Jack Noir, and you feel extremely dejected after that disappointing failure of a perfectly executed plan. The plan was simple: kill everyone on the train, destroy the bridge, then let the little bitch and her companions fall to her death in an explosion so grand, Michael Bay would beg on his feeble human hands and knees to have you, Jack Noir, a part of his demolition crew. Them kids was smarter than you anticipated.

Maybe that blonde kid is on to you.

Skaia forbid.

You still remember him throwing rocks at you when he was no taller than your middle like it was yesterday. Now, he was in that group there. You do not like that human at all. He’s next on your shit list, right after the Troll and her heiress.

After dragging Droll’s sorry ass and his load of bombs, ready to drop them onto the survivors, you notice something odd.

Where the hell did they go?

There is no way that in the hour or so time it took for you to fly to your and Droll’s hideout, gather  the bombs, and fly back, did those pink-skinned brats recover from their ordeal and escape. There isn’t a road for miles. As far as towns go, there is a reason that only mass transportation is used to get from one place to the next. That is why you chose this place. Isolated, dry, and with plenty of craggy spaces for you to hide.

There is one way, but in order to have that even be a possibility, you have to break the fourth wall. What fourth wall? You don’t see any fourth wall.

You let out a frustrated yell, nearly dropping your partner.

“Whoa, boss!” Droll yelped. “Careful! We have sensitive materials down here!” He rambles on about mixing chemicals in midair and you guys should really have a different arrangement of mode of transportation. You decide to ignore him and keep flying East, following the tracks that the train would have been on if you hadn’t unnecessarily blown it up.

After a few hundred miles of speed-flying that rivals even human airships, you find a small town and take a rest on a bus stop bench, retracting your powers by twisting your ring off, and slouching deeply. Droll sits beside you, happily holding his bombs in his arms, humming to himself. Crazy little shit. You lean your head back and close your eyes. You don’t feel fatigue when you wear the ring, but when you take it off, you want to do nothing but sleep. Maybe you should put the ring back on. You don’t like to sleep that often. It brings terrible memories of years past and things you would much rather forget. Your memory is vastly better than that of a human’s, and it is very convenient concerning the matters of grudges and murder.

“I have an idea, boss,” he pipes up, fiddling with one of the timers. “Let’s just go and kill Crocker first?”

“Very interesting inquiry, my good fellow,” you answer sarcastically. “It’s because we already know where she is, numbskull!”

“Not really,” he mumbles.

What.

“The new headquarters is in New York City,” he informs. “They’re not in Seattle anymore.”

“And you’re bringing this up now?!”

“I didn’t know until right now!”

“What the fuck, Droll?!”

“Don’t yell at me, it’s on the bench!”

You lean forward and twist yourself to look at the bench that you two were sitting on.

Well whaddya know? That makes it a lot easier then. Now that you have options, which one will you go to first?

Option one: Go for the girl first. She will be the weakest and if you separate her from her companions, she will be the easiest to kill. The only problem is that blonde boy. He is more aware of your presence than he knows. He’s noticed something is wrong, but it’s obvious he has no idea why. Or who. He is attached to her at the hip and doesn’t even know why himself.

Option two: Go for the witch first. She is stronger than the girl, but you’re counting on her being so depressed after not being with her heir for so long that she will be an easy target. Heh, yeah right. She has probably hardened her heart for the past ten years and doesn’t even give a fuck anymore. But if you did go with this plan, you could pull what the humans equalize as a “red riding cloak” story. But then you would have to dress in her ridiculous striped outfit and get a wig. You shake your head, clearing the imagery… for now… It truly is nightmare fodder.

Option three: Wait until the girl gets to the witch, then kill them both at the same time. Humans are always weakest when they are around others they love. Hide out in the shadows, wait until they embrace, then one swipe and they’re gone. You consider this one extensively. This would be a good course of action if your appearance wouldn’t be a dead giveaway to both parties.

Option four: Follow the girl and make her mentally weak from nightmares, then kidnap her and use her as bait to have the witch kill herself, then kill the girl while she sobs incoherently. This plan seems to be a hell of a lot more fun. It also seems to have the least amount of foreseeable consequences. It’s  skeleton plan, but it’s best one you got. You need to find a way to get her by herself. Maybe youse should involve the dog.

“Droll,” you say after making your decision. You adjust your ring to locator mode and get a reading on the girl’s whereabouts. The image that’s imprinted to your mind looks like a cruise ship. She’s there, in the dining hall, laughing with the other two. The one in the sunglasses tried his hardest not to smile at the girl. You try not to gag at the sad display of obvious hidden affections.

“Hmm?” he replies, still fucking around with his contraptions.

“I hope you like boats.”

You don’t wait for his response and pick him up in the same manner you have been for the past few hours.

What will you do next?

Jack: One step at a time.

-That isn’t cryptic at all. Let’s go to Jade again.-

You are now Jaya. You’ve been on a ferryboat before, but it’s not huge like a cruise liner, and there was never this much food (for free, even!), and not as much walking, either, not to mention none of those trips were long enough to require a bed. This place has everything you could ever imagine in one place and more! It even had gift shops and a _pool_! You can’t wait to try it out and swim again! It’s one of the things you loved about the island, even though the water was only tolerable two months out of the year. You also learned that grubs and wrigglers hate water, unless they are seadwelling creatures, like Eridan and Meenah. The fear dissipates with age, though, which is a relief; you don’t like swimming alone. You used to take some of the grubs with you, afraid of the water or not. The ones who didn’t like it could always just stay onshore and not join in the fun.

The room that John had gotten from the too-good-to-be-true-but-turned-out-to-be-legitimate-anyway tickets from some crazy-looking guy in a purple zoot suit back in Seattle took the three of you to a honeymoon suite. It has three rooms: the main room (which had a king-sized bed in the middle), a bathroom, a kitchen, and an outside patio with a sliding glass door. The three of you balked at the detailed decorations for a solid minute, which is obviously trying too hard to impress the upper-class. Everything from the gold trim on the bedposts to the red and white wallpaper designs blew you away. You had never seen a more beautiful room in your entire life.

You easily ate half of the salad bar in a time span of twenty minutes. John avoided the pastries bar, muttering about never knowing what is a Betty Crocker recipe or not. Seriously, what did he have against his own family anyway? Sometimes you think he’s paranoid. When he’s not looking, you’ll have to try some red velvet you keep hearing so much about.

“I’m gonna hit the bar,” Dave remarks after the three of you exit the dining hall. You roll your eyes. He can be sent to the brig with those types of statements, since he’s too young to drink. He’s also strong, so he can easily fight them off if they even got close enough to catch him and his flash-steps or whatever. You have to admit that he actually looks cool using his powers. He doesn’t call them powers, though. He calls them, “epic skills that can only be obtained through intense training and inborn skills”.

“I guess I’ll go back to the room,” you tell John. You are starting to feel full from all the food settling in. It’s 24-hour, so it’s not like it’s going anywhere. John said something through a mouthful of cream cheese bagel, so you just nodded and left.

You decide to go to one of the main decks to get some fresh sea air. The sun is high in the sky, and the wind is fierce enough to blow your long hair everywhere and make it a tangled mess. After a while, you give up and go below deck, nearly bumping into Dave.

“Just the person I was looking for,” he says, straightening his sunglasses.

Huh? “What for?” you ask, eyeing the souvenir gift bag in his right hand. He closes the bag completely before you get a good look, but you do catch a glimpse of that squid toy that the cruise liner sells to kids. You hadn’t thought about it until now, but you really want one. You gulp, trying not to show interest.

“For my Halloween costume,” he replies with a straight face. You squint, about to turn away back to the room when he grabs your wrist. “It’s for you,” he says apologetically. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a layered blue dress. It’s strapless, but has a fake black t-shirt sewn to the top, and a simple dog-shaped silhouette on the chest. “I figured that dog of yours, and I think John said you like blue, and…” he fades out and pauses. “You also kind of needed something nice to wear. You know, to wear in front of us normal humans.” He mumbled something else, too. The comment didn’t ruin the mood, you can tell he’s trying to be civil.

You push up your glasses, staring at the dress. “It’s very nice,” you say carefully, reaching for it. You find the tag while he still holds it and see that it is several sizes too large. You’ll have to tweak it, you think, bringing your mouth to one side. Either that or use a belt. But where are you going to get a belt? You lift up the skirt, putting it over your head.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Ooh, look at me! I’m a ghost!” You wave your arms in a silly manner and wiggle your fingers in the direction you thought was his face.

He pulls it off you, crumpling it. “Terrifying. John wants a photo shoot tonight so hop to it.” He brushes past you, and you turn to keep your gaze on him. He pauses and lifts up the bag slightly, as if debating giving you something else from the bag. He scoffs and calls out behind him, “I have something else, too, so meet us at the party deck.” The party deck is supposed to be filled with people tonight with some sort of dance event.

Pinching the shoulders, you let the short dress fall, straightening itself out by gravity alone. It was so light. You’ve never owned anything this gorgeous before. You put it up against yourself and see that there is a ribbon tied across the back, perfect for cutting off and using as a belt. The dress only goes down to your knees, confirming that you are not very tall, or large-chested, for that matter. You shake your head and can’t help but smile at Dave’s sudden gesture of kindness. Maybe he isn’t such a pretentious douchebag after all.

Before you know it, you’re back at the room. Empty. Good. You closely cut off the ribbons and disrobe, laying your clothes gingerly on the bed. John and Dave will be sleeping on the floor, even though you insisted it was okay for all three of you sleep on the bed. They wouldn’t listen and claimed the floor anyway. Boys.

You notice that your legs are less-than-stellar in the beauty department and in no shape to be shown to the public and frantically run about the room trying to find something to cover them. You dump your knapsack next to the dress and find the perfect addition you thought you’d never wear because they are a pretty useless piece of clothing. The only reason you kept them was because Kanaya made them for you. You shove them on and fall face-first, yelping. You sigh with relief when you see the pair of leggings unharmed.

The sun is starting to set, making the light that filtered through the drawn sheer curtains a deep yellow-orange. You are about to leave when you realize you don’t have any shoes on. You throw on the only other pair you have, which are red sneakers you liberated from Vriska’s closet. She probably stole them, since she’s a self-proclaimed pirate and all. Laces secure, you hurry out the door. The party starts in a few minutes and you don’t want to be late.

Jaya: Become your fake/real brother.

-Let’s be John.-

You are John Egbert, and very disappointed that Jaya was taking so long. You are losing your light fast. You don’t have any of your night photography equipment with you anymore, so you have to settle with daytime or evening pictures. You sigh, tempted to lay over the hand rails like a rag doll. There is some sort of event being set up, too, so you really want Jaya to get here before it starts.

“Relax, dude,” Dave tells you, leaning up against the hand rails with his elbows. He thinks he’s so cool, posing like that. If there’s anything movies have taught you, it’s the ones that act cool are the ones that are the most nervous. You give him a skeptical look and eye the gift bag.

“What else do you have in there?” you ask. “What’s the big secret?”

“Shut up, she’s coming this way.” He switched from leaning on the left foot to leaning on the right mid-sentence.

“Sorry I’m so late!” she panted. “I got distracted!” She stands up straight and smoothens out her dress. She added solid black leggings and red converse. She had brushed her hair, but it looks a bit tousled from the journey. You stifle a laugh, getting a pouting response from Jaya. You look over to Dave, expecting an amused smirk. Your expression drops, seeing the exact opposite. It’s even better than you expected.

Dave stood staring, jaw somewhat slack, sunglasses slipping. You discreetly take a quick picture. Jaya darts her eyes between the two of you awkwardly.

“Dave, flies are going to get in there if you keep on doing what you’re doing.”

“What? Oh,” he nearly yells. You and Jaya raise an eyebrow. He shakes his head. “We lost our light because of you.” Really, Dave?

You glance at Jaya, who narrows her eyes at Dave. “I’m getting real tired of your bullshit, Dave. I’m leaving.” She turns on her heels. “It’s too cold out here, anyway.” You look at her arms and notice that she already has goose bumps all over her arms. You really wish you could get her a jacket. You’re fine in your long-sleeved flannel and jeans. Dave has his red sports jacket and only a black button-up underneath, so you don’t expect him to share it. He hates the cold. (note to self: make dave wear ties more often hehehe)

“No, wait Jaya,” he says, lifting himself off the railing and chasing after her. He takes off one arm of the jacket and takes her wrist in that same arm. She turns and he hesitates. “T-take mine,” he stammers. Dave, stammering? You balk and snap another quick photo. Yes.

Jaya looks down at the ground while takes off the rest of his jacket. It’s too dark to tell if she’s blushing or not. You resist all temptation to go in guerilla style and take a picture of her as well. The lights suddenly dim and a DJ with a terrible gravel voice grabs everyone’s attention.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome…” the semi-drunken middle-aged man in sunglasses says too close to the microphone, his mustache brushing against it. “…to the golden singles dance party, where we play all of those golden oldies that were popular in your youth…”

He then proceeds to play some song from the old days that your mother was obsessed with, and probably still owned records of back at home. She hated new technology, something about CDs and artists ruining the power of music and natural voices.

You had stopped listening at “golden” and feel the blood drain from your face. Golden singles?! You look around and see only old people, most already half-drunk on wine or pot-bellied old men. You risk a glance at Dave, and see him fuming in your direction through his sunglasses. Your fake sister saves the day.

“I love this music!” Jaya exclaims, jacket loosely falling off her balled-up fists, which made their way under her chin.

Dave stares at her incredulously, then looks away, hiding  his face. You squint in the darkness, unsure of what you are looking at. Is he…? Nah, you think. You take more pictures of her excitement and hatch an evil plot.

You approach the two, trying not to let your evil intentions reveal themselves on your face. “Hey guys, why don’t you dance?” you suggest, trying vehemently not to waggle your eyebrows.

-Be the Rose-

-whoa there partner-

-what do you think youre doing leaving us hanging like that-

-we have dancing to do-

-i have an idea-

-lets be me-

You are now Dave Strider, and totally not saying your own name in a southern accent.

There is no hiding your expressions from Egbert. He is most assuredly aware of your reasons for wearing your sunglasses and hiding your face around the green-eyed brunette. Why else would he come up with such a bonehead suggestion?

You were angry at first, because neither of you bothered to check what kind of dance party was on this deck before you went and chose it for taking pictures, but you descended to a quiet, panicked calm. Dance? What?

“For the shoot!” John says, holding up the camera to his eye and blinding you with the flash. Almost blinding, anyway, because you were wearing sunglasses, but pretty damn bright because he changed the flash on the camera to a more powerful one when the sun went down. He more than likely blinded Jaya, who is now blinking excessively. “This first song is almost over, and I’m pretty sure the next one will be more up-tempo and danceable.”

You furrow your eyebrows, which barely show themselves from behind the glasses in the first place, in an attempt to tell your double-quote-unquote “best friend” that you want no part of it.

We’re doing this, John’s sneaky smile says.

We’re not doing this, your twitching mouth says.

We are making this happen, his half-squinted eyes say.

Oh God.

“I would love to,” Jaya interrupts, obviously trying not to look too excited. Her expression is too naïve to show anything but excitement.

“Fine,” you sigh. You eye her hand, debating grabbing it now and taking her to the floor and making her swoon at your coolness, tip her over (or is it dip?) until her hair touches the floor and then pull her up dramatically and have her fall into your chest with both hands, and holding her close enough to kiss, but then at the last second push her away and turn her like a top and dip her again, expertly handling her like a samurai and his sword when he kills a hundred enemy ninjas and when he sheaths his sword, lets the blood soak in as the blood and the metal become one. Did you really just imagine an entire dance scene in your head and compare it to samurai and ninjas? Were samurai and ninjas even enemies? You shake your head rapidly and push your sunglasses back up.

She beats you to the punch and takes your hand while some Elvis song plays, the dog one. Jaya kind of reminds you of a puppy in a way. Not like you know what having a dog is like. Your bro didn’t allow dogs because he was scared they’d chew up Lil Cal. Like any dog would go near that thing. But hey, Lil Cal is cool… when you look past it’s soul-searching-and-destroying eyes. You swear he treated it like it was one of the family or something.

A few more songs pass by as you two do crazy dancing without touching each other, while John took even more pictures and the Golden Singles ahhed their… relationship…? You stopped dancing a bunch of times to try to explain it, but Jaya just ended up reeling you back in for more crazy flapper dancing.

That awful DJ ruins your lifting mood with some slow-dance music. You look at your watch. 8:26 PM. Really? It hasn’t even been half an hour yet. Surely these Golden Singles were getting restless. You look around and there were countless old people of varying wrinkle amounts and gray hair getting friskier than prom night in a B-rated horror movie.

You look over to Jaya to ask to ditch this slow jam, but she’s looking down at the ground, more interested in messing with a cracked design in the deck with her shoe than going anywhere. It’s almost as if she’s being shy. You hold out your hand and are about to ask when John sneaks behind Jaya and nudges her towards you.

“C’mon, Dave!” he says desperately cheerful. “One last song?” His pleading eyes fail to mask the ulterior motives behind them.

“I’m not opposed,” Jaya mutters, tucking a section of hair behind her ear. You can’t be sure from the dim colored lights around you, but you swear she’s blushing. It must be the cold. But she’s wearing your jacket. She’s also wearing the dress you bought her. You wonder if she’ll clean the jacket before she gives it back. You hope not. Wait, what?

“Alright,” you say, taking the plunge down a deep dark hole of confusion and conmannery.

You glance at the DJ and accidentally make eye contact and he winks, more than hinting that wants you two to dance together. First John, now a complete stranger? It’s like the whole fucking world ships you two. You’re about to mutter one of your signature potty-mouth slurs when Jaya takes your hand and waffles it, and puts her other hand on your shoulder. Your hand automatically goes to her waist and you two start to sway with the music. The flashes of John’s camera start going off like a red-carpet runway movie premiere, but you don’t notice it because she’s really close and you really want to take off your sunglasses and get lost in those emeralds that the first human misnamed “eyes”, because clearly, they had not seen this girl before.

Oh God.

When did you get so close to her face?

Why is your hand on her chin?

How are you two even seeing each other through half-lidded eyes? And your mouth is slightly ajar for some reason?

When did John stop taking pictures?

Why was the music still shitty?

“I gotta go… steal the DJ’s job, show him how a real pro turntech master works,” you say, tearing yourself away from her, cursing to yourself. Stupid, stupid, moron!

-Dave, return to Jaya right this minute-

Nope.

You have an old people party to save.

-Fine then, we’ll flashback to Jade-

You are now Jaya Maryam. You have decided Maryam instead of Vantas because you are less angry at John and more shocked and shy. Why? You’re never like this! Nervous in front of a boy.

But, d-d-dance? With Dave? At least it’s good music to crazy dance to. Back on the island, you and Aradia found a whole bunch of records and everyone danced to it, even though nobody knew how. You smile at the memories and suddenly got really excited about doing crazy dancing with Dave. He needs to loosen up anyway. It must be hard being a douchebag all the time.

“For the shoot!” John says, blinding you with the flash. You still aren’t used to it yet. You hate sun spots and obscenely jealous of Dave and his sunglasses. Well, as long as it was for the shoot, you guess. You try not to laugh at John and Dave’s wordless facial communications.

“I would love to.” Your ability to mask your newfound excitement has failed you. Karkat’s least favorite song, “Hound Dog” by Elvis Presley, starts to play and you grab Dave’s hand and whisk him off to the dance floor, dancing the only way you know how. He goes with it, his previous disgust over your general existence faded away, which you totally didn’t even notice that he had replaced it with a smirk, but not a complete judgmental one, almost like he is actually enjoying himself. You have so much fun that you barely notice the lightning storm John is creating with his camera.

Then the fecal matter hits the rotating wheel device. The DJ plays one of your personal favorites, “Summertime” by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. All of the other newly made couples are slow dancing together, and you avert your eyes, avoiding a certain dance partner. You’re too busy messing with a design in the deck. Are John and Dave talking to you? You can’t tell, especially since the deck is really interesting at the moment.

“Come on, Dave! One last song?” John says from behind you.

You glance up at him and say you’re not opposed. You tuck your hair behind your ear, which is surely a rat’s nest by now with all of this wind. Curse your long hair… and your flushed face… What was with all of these emotions tonight? You weren’t this self-conscious five minutes ago when you were dancing all crazy. Did he even like it? Sure, you had loads of fun, but what if he isn’t? No, his smile definitely shows that he’s enjoying himself. You think.

“Alright,” he agrees. You quickly take his hand, lacing your fingers through his, and put your hand on his shoulder, as if he was going to change his mind in the next few seconds. His hands expertly go to your waist and you both sway in time with the music.

Is John still taking pictures? Probably. You hadn’t noticed. You’re too busy trying to pierce Dave’s impenetrable shades with your eyes. You wonder what he was hiding under there. You don’t want to admit it, but you really do like his eyes; the tint, the way they looked when he made different expressions… really, his whole face ~~even though you’ll never admit it~~. But you hate how he uses his sunglasses to make himself look cool. Like he needs them. Only douchebags think they are all that just because they have some cool shaded specs. Dave doesn’t need them. He also isn’t cool at all. Nope, not at all. Sooo not cool…

He puts his right index finger and thumb under your chin and tilts your face towards his. If he wasn’t wearing those damn sunglasses, your eyes would probably meet. Chills go up and down your spine like a wild dog playing in a wide open pasture. It’s almost like he’s going to kiss you! You gulp a little bit and close your eyes slightly, waiting for the kiss to come.

Short story short: it doesn’t come.

“I gotta go… steal the DJ’s job, show him how a real pro turntech master works,” he says, gesturing with his thumb in the opposite direction of the DJ. He turns on his heel towards the speakers that were now blaring a song you did not recognize.

You let out the air in your lungs, dejected. When did you start holding your breath? Feeling unnecessarily dejected, you find the nearest empty table and sit down in one of the chairs. You aren’t sure if the feeling you had in your gut is nausea from the rocking boat or the lights getting to you. You feel tired all of a sudden.

What even just happened?

-O-kay, let’s get on to someone more proficient at romance, like John!-

John: Wave to the audience with a derpy look on your face.

“John, what in the holy name of all that is webcomics do you think you are doing?” Dave asks, dragging you to the DJ’s booth.

“What?” you say, still waving at nothing. You have no idea what gave you that idea. You shrug.

“Nevermind. I need you to delete all of those pictures,” he demands, taking off his shades and rubbing the bridge of his nose. It was about time, too. The sun was gone and most of the boat was only dimly lit, so he was—wait, what? Delete your pictures?! Never. They’re like gold to you. Every picture is your baby and you even kept the crappy ones 99% of the time.

“Hell no!” you yell.

“No, you don’t understand,” he pleads with genuine concern in his eyes.

“Why, then?” you ask, crossing your arms. Deleting your babies is like deleting your very breath of life.

He looks over his shoulder at Jaya, who is sitting at a table with her head in her hands. Your eyes narrow at Dave. What did he do? “It’s just… I’m scared, okay?”

You raise an eyebrow in a concerned/disbelief double combo. You snort and smirk.

“No, seriously.” He looks you dead in the eye. “You are not feeling these jives in my very soul right now. I literally cannot stop thinking about her. I could write entire encyclopedias of rap in my head about her face that would make the Library of Congress writhe with utter and complete _jealousy_!”

“Not to mention those sweet shades I got you.”

“That makes no sense! They cover my face well enough, but that’s not the point!” He takes a deep breath. “Look, just give me one of those dumb movie pop songs from those movies you like that I can easily make a fresh jam to. I need a distraction.”

You unblinkingly stare at your best friend for a full ten seconds before answering. “Don’t Stop Believing” comes to mind.

“John, I swear I will smash your equipment to bits if you suggest anything by Journey.”

You narrow your eyes. “ ‘Mad World’ by Tears for Fears.” You cross your arms.

“That’s not from a crappy Rom-Com!”

“It’s that or ‘Don’t Stop Believing’, Dave. Make your choice.”

“Oh my God, fine.” He stalks off to the middle-aged guy giving you and Dave a wink for the past five minutes. You’re beginning to think that he does these parties because he has a shipping addiction. You shudder to think that he might have been shipping you two while you were talking. You two are _not_ homosexuals.

Apart from Dave nearly being taken away by security for trying to usurp the DJ’s shipping throne, it’s a very uneventful rest of the night. You’re also glad that it wasn’t awkward when you went to bed that night in the same room again.

Two more days, and then you’ll be in NYC with your lovely Rose is all you can think about as you stare out the balcony glass doors out into the stars.

-Be the lovely Rose-

You cannot quite be the lovely Rose yet. Even though she has been less busy now that her tyrannical boss has called off the search for her granddaughter. She sneezes daintily into her hand while that same tyrannical boss moves away in her chair at the tea table by the window. Nowadays, she lets her subordinate sit down and share tea with her.

“Well, don’t get me infected,” the boss says with an annoyed tone.

“I am not sick, I am loved,” the subordinate replies nonchalantly.

“Oh?”

“There is an old tradition in parts of this planet that believes that when you sneeze and you are not sick by any means, it means that someone you love is thinking about you.”

The boss remains silent and sips the last drops of her tea.

“I did not mean to offend, if that is what has gotten you worried.”

“Leave,” she orders, handing her the cup. “Throw away the rest. I am going home for today.”

Rose nods, taking the china away on a tray. It is best not to interfere when she is like this. She sighs.

“We’re running out of time,” she mutters.


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I've been waiting for this chapter for weeks. This is probably also one of the best things I have ever written, fanfiction, original fiction, or otherwise.)

-Go to Jack-

Jack: Explore options.

You have already explored the options. You have temporarily deactivated your ring and appear as a normal human to the… humans…

You managed to get on the boat during the night and throw someone overboard, taking their room. You don’t really care where they came from. If they were on the boat, they had a room. You swiped the key before you threw them off, though. You’re not stupid. You get to the room and un-captchalogue Droll, another unexpected technology of the ring.

“Augh!” he screams, panting. “I was running out of air in there!”

The plan: Follow the girl and make her mentally weak from nightmares, then kidnap her use her as bait to have the witch kill herself. If the girl was anything like her grandmother, then she would be too ashamed and prideful to tell the boy, too.

In any case, the plan has been built upon more and step one was finally complete: get on the boat.

Step two: find their room and develop a path for the final step.

Step three: plague her with nightmares until they get to their destination.

“Boss, I’ve been looking over the schematics of the plan, and I don’t think they’ll work out,” Droll says, interrupting your thoughts. You roll your eyes, unfortunately having no choice but to trust him for pointing out the obvious in your everyday plans, because sometimes, only sometimes, he’s spot on.

You look over to him, giving him your most intense glare. He cleared his throat and spoke again.

“Well, sir, it seems that this ride will only take four days, and when you add that to the time allotted that it takes for one to get a personal appointment with Betty Crocker, which is about two months average for the regular civilian, it will not be enough time to drive someone to suicide, according to dream psychology.”

You give him an incredulous look. “Where the hell did you learn that?” you ask.

“I had a lot of time to read while I was captchalogued.” He straightens his hat and looks for the nearest piece of furniture to lay on. As if he wasn’t laying down enough when he was in your… wherever things are stored when they’re captchalogued.

You roll your eyes again. “Alright, what do you suggest?” You cross your arms.

“Well, I’ve also been reading recent news, and—”

“You read too much.”

“And it says that the Batterwitch might be on her way to suicide already.”

Interesting. “And?”

“Maybe if we kill the granddaughter kill herself en-route, maybe the Batterwitch will off herself!” He smiles, obviously proud of himself.

You’re about to hit him and accuse him of having the worst plan-tweaking on the planet when you pause and think about it. It’s not a bad plan. The only problem is getting her to do it. She still has those two children at her side, and the blonde kid you recognized from all those years ago. You want to kill him, too. His very existence makes you seethe. You can’t reach her without getting past him, and he is proving himself to be a formidable opponent on your journey so far. But when you get the chance to face him at full power, he’ll be obliterated in an instant. You will make sure of it. And her little dog, too! Who cares about the other boy? He’s probably some sidekick.

“Boss?”

“Droll, give me that dream book,” you demand.

“Okay, sure thing!” He gladly hands it over. Good. Sidekicks don’t come as effective or loyal as Droll anymore, and Droll is pretty useless. You’re going to see if this newly formulating plan is even possible.

After skimming through most of the book, you make your decision. You’re going dream-hopping.

-Go back to Jade-

Jade: Sleep.

“Hey John?” you ask your pretend brother, peering over the edge of your bed.

“Yeah, Jaya?” he answers from his sleeping bag on the floor next to the bed.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“No, why?”

“You sure a sleeping bag is enough?”

 “Of course! I’ve slept through cold nights at my house during the winter. Sometimes we would get mountains of snow and go sledding! So yeah, this is nothing!”

You smile, shaking your head. John said he was fine with his sleeping bag. You can’t say the same about Dave, who only has a thin fleece blanket with the cruise liner logo on it and a couple extra pillows from your bed. He was also next to the window, where you’re positive that there is a draft. He’s also hiding a weapon that’s suspiciously long and sword-shaped under the covers.

 “What about you, Dave?” you call from the bed. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He never takes his eyes off the glass door. “Yeah, I’m good. I’m a Strider, I can take this nonsense called ‘cold’.” He looks like he’s waiting for something to come in through the window and kill it when it did. You almost ask, but he’s just going to make some long-winded, rhythmic excuse. You roll your eyes instead. Besides, it looks like rain, anyway. No one in their right mind is going to come through the window, even if they really, really wanted to get inside. But then if he really is waiting for something like that to happen, why isn’t he by the door instead? And why didn’t he do this last night?

You shrug. You’re thinking about it too much. You turn to John, who’s playing with Bec before they both tuckered out for the night. As much as Bec is attached to you, he also loves John’s attention. You smile at them as Bec bounds toward your bag, digging through it. He is half submerged into the half-empty bag and wagging his tail rapidly. He backs out with your box of colorful rings. You gasp, leaping out of bed to get it out of his mouth.

 “Bec!” you call. “That is not a chewtoy!” He continues to run around the room, hopping off of chairs and various other furniture, including Dave, which doesn’t go over well, involving some yelling and apologies. You finally pounce on him, pin him to the ground, and wrestle the box away. “No!” you scold. It doesn’t work and he bounds off. He is a puppy, after all.

 “Is that a jewelry box?” John asks, standing over your shoulder. You look up at him.

 “Kind of,” you say, lamenting over something you’ve obviously forgotten. You start to get a headache again, so you try to pass it off as just a jewelry box. You want to prolong telling them about it as long as possible, you conclude. It’s really embarrassing.

 “The real Jade was given a jewelry box thing on our birthday by the Witch,” he informs. “My mother told me that she favored Jade more because Jade was indiscriminate. She also said it was one of the most painful things she ever did, leaving her own child behind with that woman.” John looks melancholy. It’s not like him.

 “Maybe I am the real Jade and this is the jewelry box,” you suggest with a laugh.

“Ha, like I would know, I was never shown what was inside it, just that it exists.”

“Oh,” you say, dejected. It was worth a shot, you guess. You sigh. “I just thought it was a possibility.”

“You never know, it might be!” John reassures you. “The only one that would know that is Betty Crocker herself!” You smile.

“Just go to sleep!” Dave calls from his spot. Jeez, why is he so edgy lately?

-Oh if you only knew what I—I MEAN JACK—has in store for you, dear Jade…-

-Be Dave yet again-

Dave: Keep watch.

Keeping watch is hard work, especially since someone has been following you for days and didn’t notice him until tonight. The dance incident last night has had you on edge and even more argumentative with Jaya than ever. You haven’t told her why you ditched her like a tool yet; you are the tooliest of tools.

Dave: Just tell her.

Hell no.

Why not?

She won’t believe you.

Anyway, you’re pretty sure that whoever’s been following you has been since the three of you were on the train back in that dry, grassless canyon a few days ago. The four of you, if you include the dog, which you still refuse to believe helped save you after the escape. You bought a shitty sword at the port earlier today, which is now hiding under your blanket, just in case whoever it is has violent intentions. You really want your other sword back, but it got confiscated by security after the dance and is somewhere in the brig. For now, the one you paid extra for making it battle-ready will have to do.

This guy’s been cunning enough to escape your flash-steps and evade your eye all day, and it’s starting to get on your nerves. Maybe you should actually take your sunglasses off so you’d be able to see who the guy is. Maybe in your personal hell, where everything is pixelated and based on inside jokes between you and your bro. Oh wait.

“Come on Bec, time for bed!” Jaya’s voice interrupted your thoughts. Speaking of her voice, you’ve finally pinpointed an accurate description of that type of musical voice she has. It’s high and airy like a flute, but not as annoying and pitchy, and also smooth like a bass guitar played by the most talented of all bass guitar musicians in the prime of the jazz era. She claps and pats the bed twice to summon him, and he obeys. She lets the dog sleep in her bed. Next to her face. You suddenly wonder when that freaky dog ever takes care of its business. You’ve never even seen it eat, much less get rid of the waste.

You shake your head and stare out the sliding glass door again. The stars are concealed by rainclouds, and lightning strikes a few times. If it’s going to rain, it’ll at least give you the advantage of being here first to greet any intruder. Only a fool would come in through the front door—

A foghorn blasts, your thoughts interrupted again. “Ahoy, sailors and guests! Due to some inclement weather involving a sudden thunderstorm, all events taking place on the top three decks are cancelled for tonight and tomorrow morning, and will remain closed until the afternoon. However the cafeteria and other below-deck events…” You stop listening after that. You are now convinced that no one in their right mind is coming through that glass tonight.

You consider moving your abode to the door, just in case. In addition to the chain lock, as soon as someone turns the lights off to go to sleep, you’re going to shove a chair under the handle. It won’t work on someone exiting the room, but it will on someone coming in. It’s not much, but it’ll have to do without setting traps like a Mayan temple.

Dave: At least tell John.

You’ve been over this in your head already: he’ll tell you you’re just being paranoid. Stress, you know? Even if he does believe you, he’d probably spill the beans to Jaya, which is the last thing you need. In every single movie you’ve seen with these situations, the girl never believes the boy and always manages to get kidnapped or killed or someshit. Then you’d be screwed, Jaya being the real Jade or not.

John turns off the light and settles down into his sleeping bag, while Jaya laughs at something he just said. You are totally not internally seething with jealousy right now, even if you weren’t so positive that he was already in love with this girl he met online (who might not even exist for all you care). The brunette twins look like a married couple, or maybe even like actual siblings. They even laugh the same. You wish they are actually brother and sister so you can actually have a chance. Wait, you didn’t mean that. Dammit, self! You punch the side of your head a couple times in annoyance.

“Goodnight, Dave!” they call simultaneously. Ugh.

You answer in the douchiest way possible. “Whatever, losers.” They giggle and say goodnight to each other just as simultaneously. You think you actually have diabetes and rotten teeth right now. So sicky sweet there are lollipops growing out of the ceiling like stalagmites and cotton candy comforters (gotta save that one for later)with gummy pillows and white chocolate walls. Your imagination plus the rocking of the ship makes you want to heave but you refrain for the sake of the risk of being getting kicked out for vomiting over nothing. I mean, why should they kick you out for seasickness? You don’t even get seasick. You’re too cool to get seasick.

You glance at the radio clock. It reads nine-thirty. This was early, even for you, but the sounds of your friends’ soft breathing on the other side of the room are starting to lull you to sleep. Some lightning flashes in the distance, but you barely notice it behind your shaded eyes.

Dave: Sleep.

You fall asleep leaning against your sword, like a samurai—

You have got to stop comparing yourself to samurai.

-Let’s go to Jack for a bit-

Jack: Go dream-hopping

You tried reading that dream book in length. You honestly did. It ended up being utter garbage and you threw it overboard. Droll cried for a full ten minutes. He spent his bottom dollar on that book. You wonder why you even bother with him.

This plan is quickly running out of gas.

There is a magic show on board, but magic is fake and stupid and doesn’t exist so you threw out that idea before it even crossed your mind as a possibility. The sun is setting fast and this is the second to last night you have before New York. There is going to be another storm tonight and it is an opportune moment you had missed a couple of days ago. Your eye twitches as you view the sun’s last red-golden rays stream across the horizon through the sky. What a bunch of bullshit. You really want to cut something with your sword.

“Boss!” Droll’s high voice calls from behind. Oh goody, something else to piss you off.

“What?” you growl. You turn away from the sunset and tower over the small man.

“Why don’t you use your ring powers?” he asks. You hope your cynical expression would shut him up, but it doesn’t. “Remember how our queen used to travel using wormholes? Well, I did some thinking, and I think you can use it the same way to travel into dreams if you think hard enough!”

That is either the most brilliant, or the dumbest idea on this tiny little planet in this tiny little galaxy.

Fuck it.

You aim your fist with the ring on it up to the sky, concentrating on wormholes to dreams. Jade’s dreams, to be precise. Even though it still sounds like a load of bullshit to you.

A portal appears about fifty feet in the sky above you. You smirk, activate the ring’s powers on yourself, and spring yourself upward, hurdling toward the portal at an alarming speed. You don’t look back as the portal closes behind you. Your confidence that the plan will work is slowly returning, and you know that Droll will carry out his end when he is needed.

At first it’s pitch black. Then, a small light appears and you speed towards it, revealing a shining golden world you never thought you’d see again.

Prospit.

True, you lived on a different planet, not to mention you hated the gross brightness of the entire atmosphere, but the people were the same race, even though they were different colors. You’re pretty sure there’s no one left anymore, since that bitch plowed through. You dismiss all other feelings of nostalgia that were starting to creep up with your memories. It doesn't surprise you that she would go here.

Then you see her: the little girl you have been looking for sleeping innocently in a tree. Her face is peaceful and dreamy, obviously sleeping, with her long golden skirts flowing down in the gentle breeze.

You look down at yourself, deciding that if she wakes up, she’s not going to be very receptive to your shoddy getup. You imagine yourself in a zoot suit and a wide-brimmed fedora, all in black pinstripe, of course. You need a good shave, too. You’re tired of stubble that will never grow into a considerably fashionable or respectable-looking beard. You don’t have the patience nor the time to keep up with it.

And just like that, you now look like a dapper butter-and-egg-man instead of some vagabond.

She begins to stir, so you run toward the tree to conceal yourself. The probability that she remembered you from those years ago when you attempted to kill her and the hag lingered. At least you’re clean-shaven this time. If worse comes to worst and she sees you hangin’ around, your hat will have to do the trick.

She groans and sits up in her tree. Her legs swing down and she rubs her eyes, yawning. She mumbles something to herself and jumps down, landing gracefully on her feet with hair trailing behind her. She is finally within your grasp. You can kill her right now, if only she would also die outside her dream self. She needs to do it on her own free will. You narrow your eyes at yourself and seethe for a few seconds.

You lean against the tree and cross your arms menacingly. But you need her to not recognize you so you soften your facial expression and clear your throat in an obvious manner. She turns, stunned. Dread suddenly flares in your chest, and she looks as if she recognizes you after this many years and a makeover.

Jack: Prepare to flip the fuck out.

-Be Jade (because this is supposed to be in her point of view anyway)-

-Jade: Flip the fuck out.

Why? Just because some random guy appears behind you in your golden dream world doesn’t mean he isn’t just a figment of your imagination and can’t actually hurt you in real life. That would just be silly. You know this world like the back of your hand, even if you haven’t been here in two years. You love all of the architecture and the people are all really nice. You could fly, too, but you forgot how. You did remember it was easy, though. You’ll figure it out.

You whip around to see a tall man in a sharp zoot suit leaning against the tree you’d been sleeping in for who-knows-how-long. You hold back a gasp and automatically get into a defensive stance. He doesn’t look familiar. He was very dark and dressed in black, not like the inhabitants of your dream world at all, who are mostly pale individuals who dress in gold and yellow. He stands diabolically, but you dismiss it as just a rough personality, like Karkat. You lower your guard. Who better to practice being polite to than someone you’ll never see again?

“Hello!” you greet politely with a small wave. You reach out your hand and attempt to give him a friendly handshake.

He stares at it for a full second before reaching out his own. You grasp his hand and shake it. John says that’s what people do to greet people normally. How hard you grip it shows the person how confident you are. You give him a nice firm handshake, exactly the way John showed you, but not as hard as when you accidentally almost broke his hand the first time you tried it. Dave refuses to believe that you’re actually learning this stuff. You’ll show him. You realize that you’re shaking the stranger’s hand too hard when he clears his throat again.

“Sorry,” you say, retracting your hand awkwardly. “What’s your name?”

He hesitates, then smiles. You’re not sure how to interpret it, but Eridan and Vriska get that smile every time their eyes meet, like they’re going to eat each other alive. You brush it off because the person in front of you is not a Troll and incapable of having black feelings. “Slick,” he finally answers articulately in a tenor voice with a slight rasp. He sounds familiar, but you can’t place it. He probably just sounds like someone from an old movie.

“Slick,” you repeat. “Are you from around here?”

“Not particularly,” he answers. His answer is vague, and a little bit suspicious. He seems to realize that and elaborates. “But I visit here a lot. It’s been a long time, actually, and I’m not sure I know anyone anymore.” He sighs ruefully.

You start to get a little sad. “Oh, no!”

“But it’s alright, I’m used to being alone. What about you? You’re one of those humans I keep hearing about, aren’t you?”

“Yep!” you pipe. “It’s been a while since I’ve been here, too, so I was just going to walk around and explore.”

“Can’t fly?” he interrogates.

“I used to, but I forgot,” you admit sadly, looking down at the ground. “I used to be able to just jump straight up and hover without a care, but I’m afraid that I can’t because I have doubts,” you explain, shrugging. If you believe you can fly, you can fly. What is physics?

Out of the corner of your eye, you swear he smirks, but when you look up, he’s just smiling confidently. “What if I told you there was a place where you could learn again?” he offers.

You gasp, wide-eyed and a smile creeping across your face. “Really?” You would love to be able to fly again! “Where is it?” you ask eagerly.

“I’ll take you there,” he replies, brushing past you and heading towards the city. He’s probably headed toward the castle. You’re pretty sure that he knows the queen and surely she knew how to teach you to fly again.

Jade: Follow the strange man.

-Be the narrator.-

-Oh wait, I already am.-

Jade sleeps calmly in her little bed, dreaming she was on Prospit again, even though she forgot the name of the place. She loves it there. It’s her own little world with nobody to-

She stirs. Looks like she’s awake already.

She sits up robotically and shuffles her legs out from under the covers, nearly stepping on John’s face. He sleeps like a rock, so he would be fine even if she slaps him into next week. She fumbles around in the dark until she gets to the door.

She unlocks the door. She feels the chair and removes it as well. She opens the door and exits the room.

Jade, your forgot your glasses! How are you supposed to see without them?

She stumbles along the hallway with the waves of the stormy seas, nearly bumping into some drunk guests.

Jade, stop it, you’re not that blind.

Wait a minute.

Are you sleepwalking?!

Droll waits around the corner, watching her. It doesn’t look like he has a weapon. He’s such a little creeper. But he’s not one to attack while one is sleepwalking, though. I don’t like where this is going. I don’t like where Jade is going.

Something needs to be done.

-Be Bec!-

Bec: Go wake up Dave.

You are now Bec. You are a very worried puppy because your Jade has just left the room without you. She forgot her glasses, and she usually remembers those! Something is wrong. You can’t turn doorknobs and you don’t know where to transport to find your master and keep your existence a secret. A dog on board and not down below is highly suspicious.

Grr…

You really don’t want to wake Dave, but John is busy being useless. You have bitten him in his sleep before, to test his defenses, to no avail. At least Dave is anxious and jumpy recently.

You scamper to Dave’s sorry sleeping arrangement and pounce on his face, barking loudly. He even sleeps with his sunglasses on. Ridiculous.

 “Aah!” he screams as soon as you land on him. “Oh my God, shut up! You’re going to wake the neighbors and we’ll get in trouble!” He picks you up as you struggle, kicking and squirming in his big fucking yaoi hands. Everything is so big for you now that you’re small again. You have got to pick larger animals to reanimate. Like an elephant. At least then Dave will take you seriously. And you could carry Jade around.

You snarl in response to Dave’s insolence. You don’t give a shit about the neighbors or cruise security. Jade is in trouble! You bark and snap at his hands. He drops you, and you run back to the bed, jumping up on it and whining.

“Hey, stop! You’ll wake Jaya!” he whispers loudly. He stands. He sees the bed. You see his face drain through the darkness of the room. Lightning flashes and he disappears, his sword gone and the door ajar, light from the hallway spilling in.

Success. You push the door closed with your body and settle in John’s arms, the only source of warmth left in the room. Finally, he is useful again.

-Be Dave again-

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck!

Jaya, you moron! you think to yourself angrily. You shouldn’t have fallen asleep! Damn it, and fuck everything! You hate getting this emotional, especially over a girl. Well, this particular girl. Your bro never really let you play with girls, and you still kind of hate him for that.

You flash-stepped out the door, traveling up and down the halls, searching for any sign of her. You impress yourself with your speed. Bro would be proud. If you had the time, you would probably wipe away an imaginary tear from your eye. No sign in any of the popular areas.

You pause. Now that you remember it, the covers were untouched and there was no sign of struggle. That rules out kidnapping, you guess. But her glasses were still there, so maybe someone held her at gunpoint? No, the door was double-locked, so she’s probably just sleepwalking. Does she even sleepwalk? Shit, you’re not a detective! But it’s still suspicious. John was still there so he didn’t take her anywhere. And that dog follows her everywhere. You’re actually surprised he woke you up instead of tagging along.

The boat suddenly lurches to the side. If it weren’t for your magnificent sea legs, you probably could have broken your nose when you hit the wall instead of just getting a minor bruise on your shoulder.

What if…?

You head to the main deck.

-Be Jade again, just to be suspenseful-

Jade: Stop.

You are learning how to ignore that little voice in the back of your mind that is completely pessimistic about everything. Slick leads you to your own tower, where you spent most of your time when you were a kid. You usually flew straight from your window the minute you woke up in that room. Maybe all it took was a few reminders. You smile at the possibility to fly again.

“By the look on your map, it seems you know where you’re going.” Slick brings you back to reality, er, Prospit. Dreamality?

“Map? I don’t have a map.”

“I mean your mug.” His face falls and gives you the impression that he’s bored. “Your face.”

“Oh,” you say simply. You kind of feel bad now.

He stops at the side entrance to the tower. You remember now that this one existed for emergencies. Like there were any. This place was generally safe.

“Ready to fly, kid?” He smirks, nudging you with his elbow.

“Yeah,” you reply, looking up at the tall tower. The tower eclipses the sun. You raise your hand to shade your eyes when one of the clouds catches your eye. It shows an image of you hugging someone with long, black curly hair. It doesn’t show her face, but you can see that you’re crying. You’re not sad, because you’re smiling, but the person’s hair looks familiar. Such long hair. Taking hours to brush and even longer to style. Images in your mind come up: you with tiny fingers braiding some very long and dark hair, with the end result being a lopsided mess. You remember being so proud of it. You remember being homeschooled by a faceless and motherly woman with short, black hair to draw their idea of a family portrait and using the black crayon to make a lot of that long and squiggly black hair…

“Let’s go, kid,” he says, opening the door with a loud creak. “Don’t stare too long, or it’ll fall on you,” he warns humorously. You laugh and shake your head. He bows and gestures inside. “After you.”

“Thank you,” you reply, giving him a courtesy curtsy. You enter the tower.

Slick closes the door behind you with a grunt and a clunk. You look up at the spiraling staircase and take a deep breath. You can’t remember ever climbing stairs. There should be a transportalizing pad somewhere around… there, the center of the floor! You run to it, hiking up your long skirt and leaping on it gracefully.

As soon as you step on the pad completely, you appear in your old room. Your smile grows wider when you see it exactly how you’d left it. You eye the window and approach it. The view clarifies as you walk toward it, changing from a glare to the aerial view of the now-abandoned city. You lean your hands on the windowsill and gaze down below.

The hear the transportalizer zap behind you and you turn to see him standing there, smiling.

-Be Dave again-

You finally find one an entrances to the main deck that isn’t blocked off by security and find it slightly open, water trickling in from the rain. It looks like she went out of this door. You’re definitely going to get wet. Yep. Water. Everywhere. You take off your sunglasses and put them in your pocket to keep them safe.

You pull on the door and the wind immediately blows your hair back, the rain soaking you instantly. This is a bad one, yes, sir. Another wave hits the ship and you brace yourself, this time with both hands against the door frame. You step out into the pounding rain and close the door behind you, readying the sword at your hilt.

There are some floodlights on, thank God. You hate to think that both you and Jaya are fumbling around in the dark. You’re not used to rain. You have probably fought in rain once. Bro took rain checks while it rained. Snow wasn’t a problem for him for some reason, though. He always of salt ready. Rain is unpredictable, and so is being on a cruise liner in the middle of the ocean.

You cup your hands around your mouth. “Jaya!” you call loudly. Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles not two seconds later. “JAYA!” you yell again. That idiot! Where the hell is she?!

You eye a shadow on the side of the boat, leaning against the horizontal rope railing with both arms, oblivious to the storm. Lightning illuminates the sky and you see a mess of long, black hair, and pajama pants with the cruise liner logo.

It’s Jaya! What the hell is she doing?

A wave rocks the boat again. You stumble a bit, but she stays uncannily still.

 “Jade!” you scream, your voice cracking. She doesn’t respond. Something is wrong. Very, very wrong. So wrong, if you asked Stephen Hawking if the last week’s events added up, he would fail. More wrong than—

She lifts her leg and puts her knee between her hands on the rope. You feel your eyes widen, filling up with water from the rain immediately.

You don’t think.

You only run.

Dave: Save the girl, be the hero.

-Be Jade-

“Just jump? That’s it?” you ask, turning behind you slightly.

“That’s the idea, girlie,” Slick says confidently.

You turn back to the window and hike your leg up, leaning your knee against the sill.

_Jaya!_

You pause. “Did you say something?” you ask Slick.

“I didn’t say nothin’,” he answers. “What are you waiting for?” There’s an edge to his voice, and it’s starting to freak you out.

_JADE!_

Okay, you definitely heard that. “Are you sure?”

“I’m positive. Just jump already!”

-Back to Dave-

You run to her as fast as you can. There is no fucking way she is jumping off this fucking boat. You will not have it. She is not killing herself while sleepwalking. Hell no. Hell. Fucking. No!

Just five feet away from her, something hits your side, making you slide a few feet to the side. You turn and see a very short man with some sort of C-4 in his hand. It had been connected to a cell phone, and it had a timer set to ten seconds, so if you disconnect the phone, the timer would take over.

Your eye twitches and your lip curls as you flash-step behind him, grab the bomb, and throw it overboard as far as you can. Before the man can retaliate, you take the back of his shirt with both hands and fling him across the deck face-down. You can hear his skin squeak across the wood, and you nod satisfactorily.

That was not the one who is following you. His partner maybe? You save your personal questions for later and rush back to Jaya.

It looks like she’s hesitating. You still have hope.

“Jaya, wake the hell _up!_ ”

-Aaaaaand back to Jade-

You’re starting to get really scared.

“Jump, Jade Crocker!” Slick bellows. He is no longer in a zoot suit. There is a jester hat on his head and a sword is starting to appear in his chest. Your dreams sure are weird. The sky darkens and you hear thunder, but see no rain. It has never thundered in your dream world.

When you start to say that your name isn’t Jade Crocker, he suddenly grabs your waist with two tentacle things coming out of his sides and lifts you up to the windowsill and forces you to stand on it. The only thing keeping you from the safety of your room to the ground below is your fingertips gripping on the frame.

“Can you remember, little girl?” he says in a normal voice. You struggle against his grip. You are so much better at guns. Where are your guns?! You see them still mounted on the wall, but you can’t get to them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” you say frantically. Think, Jaya, think! How the fuck are you going to get out of this one!

“Still can’t remember? Even after all your despicable grandmother hag has done to me?” His voice begins to rise as he gets closer, leaning you farther and farther out the window. Your grip slips and you are suspended over the city by just your feet and his tentacle arm things. “Not my problem!” he finally yells.

You shut your eyes and try to imagine yourself somewhere else, like in the real world. You really wish this nightmare would end already! If you wake up before you fall to your dream death, you are running straight for Dave and waking him up, and you don’t care if he’s not a morning person! You just want to hold him and for him to hold you. You want to see his eyes again. You want him to know how you fe—

Slick suddenly cries out in pain. You turn your head and see that the extra arms had been severed, the parts of the tentacles that had bound you gone. You flail your arms and find the frame, but it’s not the best grip. You slip easily and can’t help but scream as you fall.

-Oh shit! Be Dave again!-

Jaya is stuck. Literally stuck. You grab her around her waist and pull, and still doesn’t budge. She suddenly stands up on the thick rope, spreading her arms. You hear a faint whimper coming from her, and you could swear she mutters “help me” and your name. Normally, you’d be elated at this, that is, if she weren’t about to jump to her death unintentionally.

You grasp her wrists and pull, but her torso stays put. You are beginning to lose it. How the fucking shit is she staying up there?!

Out of pure impulse, you unsheathe the shitty katana and swipe to the side vertically behind her as hard as you can, pretending that she is being forced forward by some supernatural force. Immediately after you do that, she goes limp and screams. You toss your sword, which snaps in half upon impact of the deck, and catch her before she falls overboard. She flails her arms and legs, hitting your face and chest and arms a few times. You back away from the rope barriers. If it wasn’t raining and people were around to see this, it would look very bad indeed.

“Stop it, Jaya!” you yell above the storm. “Jaya, wake up! Oh, fuck it!” You slap her across the face and the gasps awake.

“No!” she screams. “Stop it, let go of me! Help me, Dave! I forgot how to fly! Help! I’m falling! I’m not her! Let me go! I’m not her! I’m not her!” She continues to squirm and push you away.

“I’m right here, damn it!” you yell in her face. “It’s Dave! I’m right here!” You hug her to your chest tightly, subduing her arms in an effort to get her to stop hitting you. “Just stop hitting me.”

She continues mumbling “I’m not her” into your chest, calming down. She’s crying and sobbing into your shirt, but you don’t really care. You’re already soaked. You can’t get any wetter if you dunked yourself in a tank of the wettest water in the history of water.

You steady her on her own feet and move one hand to the back of her head, stroking it gingerly. “Shh, just stop crying, I’m right here, okay? It was just a nightmare. You’re safe now.”

What kind of dream did she have, anyway? First a train crash, and now a dangerous sleepwalking episode? And how does that even happen?? This is all way too convenient for it not to be planned. You don’t know how they got her to have such a violent nightmare, and the sleepwalking thing isn’t new, but it has something to do with that guy who’s been following you three. And that guy you fought off earlier.

Your name is Dave fucking Strider, and it is on like Donkey Kong.

-Let’s go to Jack for a minute-

Jack: Try not to freak out.

HOW CAN YOU NOT FREAK OUT.

Jack: Reminisce.

Your extra limbs sever suddenly and you scream bloody murder. It takes only three seconds to regenerate them. Oh. Well then. Good to know. You run to the window where she fell. You are just in time to see her pixelate away.

You pound the sill with your fist, splintering it.

The world around you begins to fade from existence. Something in your gut tells you to get going before it’s too late. You open a portal and get a clean sneak out of there. You’ll have to save your rage until you get back. The plan was perfect! You almost killed her!

You emerge out of the portal above the storm, where there is only a sea of clouds for miles around. Some of them light up when they clash, thunder crashing as soon as they light up. Good. Now no one can tell you’re there yelling incoherently at nothing about your failings.

Jack: Calm down and think of something else.

You’ll have to do it yourself, in person.

Something uncowardly. Public. Something the old hag will notice.

Jack: Think of a new plan while waiting out the storm.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [slightly nsfw image ahead... How do you feel about horrorterrors?]

-Let’s see what Rose is doing right now-

Rose: Disclose.

You refuse to disclose anything without a little character development in the form of elaborate flashbacks.

-Fine. We’ll go back a few days.-

Rose: Schedule a visit.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and you are expecting a phone call while you are on break.

It certainly has been a while since your boss has given you a break long enough to sit at a café like this. She had to tie up some loose ends involving a troubling regular customer. She is very secretive about it, and you have never attempted to get involved before. The last time someone tried to investigate, it did not turn out well for them.

You take another sip of tea. Bluh. It is starting to get cold.

You look at your phone again and sigh, putting it back on the table. You hail the café waitress and ask for water.

The rhythmic ringtone lights up your phone. You see the name and can’t help smiling. You answer it and curl your short, platinum blonde hair behind your ear.

“Oh, wow, you picked up!” the cheerful voice on the other end filled your ears. “I was beginning to think you didn’t exist!” In some weird way, it melts the ice your heart that has been developing ever since you took this pristine job. There is nothing wrong with wanting a better job, even though it might hurt your overall fulfillment and perception of life. The only thing unbearable about your boss is how she treats the lower class. Save you, of course. It seems your snark has some uses after all.

You giggle. He is more adorable over the phone. “Well, my dear John, I know I exist, so you have nothing to worry about.” You hear some arguing in the background, but if John is ignoring it, you can, too.

“Well, now that we know we both exist, we should probably get to that uh…” You can practically hear him scratching at the back of his head unnecessarily.

You facepalm, suppressing laughter. “Yes, I believe we should. When are you arriving?”

“Uh,” he pauses. He says something, but it’s muffled. “Hang on a sec, Rose.” More muffled speech. What’s going on? “Sorry, my party is a little obnoxious. They’re probably just hungry. Also, the train is slow, so you should probably schedule the meeting in a couple days so we can get to your house tomorrow and have time to settle in, set her up, you know?”

“All right, a couple days it is, then. I’ll clear Mrs. Crocker’s schedule in anticipation.” You pull out the miniature tablet, which contains the company’s schedule as well as her personal schedule. You will attempt to reschedule and rearrange everything later. For now, you have to finish a conversation. And after that, pick up a special delivery from a friend.

“Oh, shit! I’ll call you back in a few, Rose, I have to stop my OTP from fighting.”

“All right, have fun!”

“Bye, Rose! See you soon!”

“Goodbye, John.” You smile and hang up the phone.

Rose: Get package.

-Can we go back to now yet?-

-No?-

-Fine.-

Rose: Worry about your friends.

It’s too late for that, you tell the voice in your head. That voice really has to stop telling you what to do all the time. You do tend to worry about your friends no matter what anyone says, however. You picked up a package yesterday, but the letter inside was terribly vexing.

You take it out and read it once more while you wait for your bus to arrive. Perhaps you misinterpreted what she wrote.

“Dearest Rose  
“I Hope You Are Well  
“I Apologize For Not Contacting You Sooner  
“As You May Have Guessed I Have Been Going Through Some Problems With This Primitive Mail System  
“There Are No Local Posts And It Is Extremely Difficult To Communicate Recently  
“One Of My Cohorts Has Been Inexplicably Disappearing For Days At A Time And It Has Consumed All Of My Time  
“I Hope That This Will In No Way Will Damage Our Relationship  
“Kanaya”

It tells everything, yet explains nothing. She is not usually this cryptic. You hope she’s okay nonetheless. You fold it up again as the city bus loudly screeches to a halt.

And speaking of friends, and worrying, another close friend is quite possibly in danger himself. A terrible train accident occurred out west last night, and you fear that John and his companions may have been involved.

Before you know it, you have arrived at your desk at your usual time, twenty minutes before your tyrannical boss arrives, and settle in for the day. This day is going to be longer than usual. You remove your gray pinstripe suit jacket and drape it over the back of your chair, leaving the purple silk scarf loose around your neck. There are no food sample tastings on the schedule today so your white button-up was a good choice. The phone calls start pouring in from the lower levels of the building at nine o’clock on the dot. You find that working distracts you from your worries.

An envelope comes across your desk addressed to simply “Betty Crocker”. Weird. All forms of communication between Mrs. Crocker and the outside world are strictly electronic. You look up at the person who delivered it. The extremely pale woman with dark eyes and a platinum blonde pixie cut just shrugged. She delivers packages from Kanaya sometimes, and now has to deliver your letters. She is extremely reliable. You glance back down at the return address, which is just a red diamond-shaped stamp. You are not one to open mail, but you are extremely curious.

The woman stands there, narrowing her eyes at you. “Isn’t that illegal?” she questions.

“I am her secretary. This is most definitely part of my job, opening her parcels,” you answer coolly. “I know you are busy, so you may leave.”

“You have something to mail?” she asks, holding out her hand.

“Right, I almost forgot,” you say, searching your desk. The phone rings again, but you know it’s just someone from downstairs wanting to know where the boss is. Since she has not come in yet, you do not know, and she hates receiving messages. They can call back later. You find what you are looking for and hand it to her. “Please see to it that this is delivered safely.”

“I will do my best, ma’am. I’m proud to be of service in the postal system.” She salutes and turns on her heel to leave. She pauses for a moment and turns back to you ruefully. “I want you to know that I will no longer be in the postal service after I deliver this.”

Your smile turns into a frown. You thought she enjoyed her job. “How so? I would love to pry, if that is alright.”

She shrugs and answers quickly. “I was fired from the government office, but was immediately hired to work for a very prestigious individual. I don’t know why.”

“And that individual is…?”

She smiles slyly. “Just someone who’s very interested in peace in this dark city we all call home.”

You pretend to not know who that is, even though it is obviously someone everyone knows and voted for him in the last election, and lift your hands in a shrug. This seems to satisfy your friend, who turns on her heel and leaves.

Now back to that mysterious diamond-stamped letter. You open it very carefully. It could be nothing more than another death threat, but it could also mean the reappearance of her granddaughter. Inside is a short note.

“BC. Stop.  
“Interrogation a failure. Stop.  
“Subject deceased. Stop.  
“Unrelated: identity confirmed. Stop.  
“Her son travels with his twin. Stop.  
“Taking train direct to you. Stop.  
“DD. End of message.”

Is this a… telegram? Who sends telegrams nowadays? Someone very old fashioned, that much is clear. The rest is not. You put it into your purse to crack later. As you turn back to your station, the woman in question walks in.

“Any messages for me?” she asks in her usual condescending tone.

“None that were not shredded immediately upon the realization of their unimportance,” you reply nonchalantly.

“Good.” She fumbles for her keys and unlocks her office door. “Let me know when one arrives with a diamond stamp. It concerns a very pressing matter.”

“Yes, madam.” You continue with your work. It will be time for tea in an hour, so you get up from your desk and start a new pot. She is definitely acting strange. You have a bad feeling about this.

-That night…-

When you get home, you kick off your shoes and collapse on your bed, sighing against the faux-chiffon comforter. The usual subway, bus ride, and ten block-walk was especially trying today. You can’t help but be distraught at the possibility that the letter you kept from your boss might have had something to do with giving up hope on finding her precious Jade. She tried for years, using every possible resource that was at the disposal of millions of dollars.

Just today, she ordered you to officially stop the search, and now, your act of foolish curiosity destroyed her dream forever.

It occurs to you suddenly that the telegram mentions something about someone dying.

You roll over to your purse, and take out the letter to start analyzing it, taking notes on the sides.

Obviously, “BC” stands for “Betty Crocker”, and you have no idea what “DD” means. Maybe they are some sort of mercenary, who perhaps questioned the “subject” on the whereabouts of the “twin”. The only set of twins you know of that Mrs. Crocker would be remotely interested in is Jade and John. Perhaps…

You skip to the end: “Taking train direct to you.” You grab your tablet and quickly search for information about that train crash. It was a direct trip from… Seattle to New York City. Your hands start to shake and your vision gets blurry. You do not want to think about it, you don’t want to think about it, you don’t wanna think about it… You wipe your eyes in a furious manner as you read “There were no survivors”.

You check the location-slash-date stamp on the envelope and sure enough, it is from Seattle, dated a few days ago. If the person wanted to get to your location by train, that would be the way to go. Not many trains go non-stop between those two locations. Some uninvited sniffles start to creep again, but you need to finish deciphering this letter first. You take a deep breath and continue.

You are positive that lines two and three are the key to deciphering this telegram, including some secrets that you are now extremely curious in meddling with concerning the one who determines your career.

Who is the “subject”, who is “her son”, and who is “his twin”? You grunt in frustration, and force yourself to try to fall asleep.

Rose: Try to Sleep.

You cannot sleep. You are too worried about the possibility of John’s probable death. Time goes by. Some people live, and some die, others can live forever. You turn on your side, a tear descending to the pillow. Funny, you did not think you could cry over a boy. You could have sworn you… were not… crying…

You drift off to sleep anyway, clutching the letter against your chest, knees drawn to your chest.

Rose: Have a nightmare.

Floating amongst the familiar swirling tentacles that plague your nightmares have only made them that much more inviting to succumb to. The voices envelope you, whispering enticing requests that you never thought were malicious, and usually end up being so. You fall into routine voluntarily, your skin slowly spreading grey from the places where they come into contact with your skin.

But tonight, something is different: There is a new path, brightly lit and swirling with cool breezes. A large hand beckons you to it. Compared to the usual choice, the grim darkness now seems a lot less inviting. You slip out easily and float towards the light, the voices attempting to seduce you back to them with kind words and empty promises, and firmly grasp the hand that seems to be made for you…

Rose: Be awakened by a phone call.

You really want to ignore it, but you don’t want to be late for work by falling back asleep. Wait, have you actually slept through the night? No, the sun hasn’t even set yet. You gasp at the unfamiliar number in the caller ID through salt-aggravated eyes and immediately sit up, fully awake.

“John? Is this you?!” you nearly yell into the phone.

“Yes, Rose, it’s me. I’m alive!” he laughs. “Some really weird things happened, but we’re all okay now!”

You smile and let out a small laugh of relief. You will have to interrogate him about his cell phone later.

“What? What’s so funny?” he asks. It sounds like he wants in on the laugh-fest.

“You’re alive! I mean, I’m just glad you survived,” you say, trying not to cry again. But you have terrible news.

“Yeah, we did, didn’t we.” A pause. “ You weren’t crying over me, were you?”

“Of course not. That would be undignified.” Tell him.

“You totally were!”

“Oh, please. I would never cry for a boy.” Rosalinde Lalonde you tell him right this minute.

“Sorry, I didn’t know I was going to live, either. I just really want to see you before I actually die, you know?”

 “I feel the same way, Jonathan.” That voice needs to stop. You’ll tell him. Eventually.

“Y-you do?”

“Of course! I do not give my personal cell phone number to just anyone, you know. I work for a very high profile quote-unquote, lady. If I did give my number out frivolously, I would be turned into a liability.” Your chances are slipping.

“Are you insinuating something?” he says playfully.

You giggle. “Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, I don’t care. I am just glad you are safe.” You still have to tell him the bad news, though.

“Uh oh, I think something bad is going on. Dave is arguing with Jaya again.” Muffled speech again. Jaya must be the girl. You let yourself wonder if this girl is actually the one or an imposter. Either way, John and his movie-making partner Dave are on their way. By the way John was describing the girl he was bringing, she sounded like she was really John’s twin—

Oh, fuck. It can’t be.

John comes back on the line. “I’ll call you back later. The ship is about to board. Keep that day open for us, okay? Bye Rose!”

“Wait!” you say. Too late. He hung up. You try to call again but it just rings and rings. He probably called from a pay phone. What ship? Where _are_ they?

Now you have two pieces of news to tell John: one bad, one good. You think…

Rose: Go to sleep and worry about this later.

You will tell him when he gets here. Procrastination is not the usual path you take, but it will have to do until they arrive. You shower and change, and easily slip into an uneventful sleep, the telegram forgotten.

-Finally skipping to the day that they arrive!-

Rose: Welcome your guests.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and you have yet to tell your very good friend your news.

The location of your small brick house in the outskirts of the city has its shortcomings, but you love it anyway. It is not overly large like the house you grew up in, but not small like most other apartments you cannot even hope to afford within the city itself. Your salary is average at best, but you live with it. It is in a good neighborhood, where criminal activities are rarely seen. Your particular home has one bedroom, which you actually cleaned yesterday, just enough room for yourself. It also has a decent living room with no television, only bookshelves filled with grim tales and gothic lore from your teenage years. You prefer to not be influenced by televised media and dive into books instead. The only screens you watch are your mobile devices and a laptop in your room. They are the only way you keep contact with family and friends. One must not be a complete social outcast, even if you are an introvert on a level or two. You also have a black cat, which you named Jaspers, even though it is the same name you give every cat you own every time one dies and you get a new one. Your mother did that since you were given your first kitten at age four.

You peel back your curtains to see a taxi pull up to your small gate. Three people step out of it, a blonde male with sunglasses steps out first. Next, a brunette boy with rectangular glasses, which you recognize as John from the video chats. You smile, quite anxious to meet him in person. Lastly, a brunette female who looks eerily similar to John, but more tan, gets out carrying a small white dog in her arms. She and the blonde immediately start having a heated discussion about who-knows-what, while John ignores them and pays the driver. He drives off, leaving the party of three behind. You inspect yourself, making sure you are dressed and your hair is brushed. A simple lavender skirt, a white dress shirt, and white headband should suffice, right?

As they approach, the girl puts the dog down and plants her hands on her hips, pointing her chin up, while saying something in a very serious manner to the blonde. He holds out his hands in front of her as if he wanted to strangle her, but resists and throws his arms up, storming to your gate and fiddling with the latch. After some success, he flings it open, letting it clang against the fence. You flinch. Rude. John looks around the neighborhood to see if anyone saw what had just occurred.

You let the curtains fall, making your presence known, successfully freaking him out a little. You chuckle to yourself as the gate closes with a gentler clang. You may or may not have failed to notice the puppy’s restricted access.

The doorbell rings.

Rose: Answer the door.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late. Y'all enjoy now~

-Dave’s turn!-

Dave: Vomit.

“Oh Rose, what a sight to see for my old and tired eyes!” John muses to the woman you weren’t sure existed until this moment. Well, how about that. Egdork was right about a woman. He bends on one knee and takes her hand, giving it a charming kiss on her knuckle. You think you’re going to be sick.

“You make this lavender-eyed beauty blush, kind sir,” she replies. Okay, _now_ you’re going to be sick.

You glance over to Jaya awkwardly, who is the perfect personification of your internal feelings right now. She makes a gag motion in your direction, squinting her eyes so that only the whites were showing. You can’t help but smirk, even though you two were just arguing about getting the middle seat for the entire hour ride over here from the docks.

John stands back up and kisses the back of Rose’s hand. “I prefer to be more charming than kind,” he corrects her. He suddenly pulls her close, her purple skirt flowing in the breeze, and turns, dipping her low. She laughs as her headband nearly falls off, giving the old lady crossing the road behind you a good view of Rose’s nearly-nonexistent cleavage. “I hope I did not keep you waiting long, though, dear princess.” He gives her an Eskimo kiss.

That’s it. Projectile vomit is going to get everywhere if this continues. You’re going to do something rash.

“Oh, get! A! Bucket!” Jaya intervenes. She clamps her hands over her mouth, horrified at what she just said.

You shoot her a warning look. Now, why’d she have to mention the buckets? It’s not like Rose knows what it means, anyway. You’re not even sure what it means. It’s all a bunch of crockpot babblery to you. As far as you knew, Jaya said it was a private mating thing that they did on her island, which just sounds gross by itself. You are also positive that it’s a lot worse than you think. John and Rose straighten themselves up.

You examine Rose, who _should_ be completely confused at the outburst, but _isn’t_. Her surprised wide-eyed expression makes it seem like she knew exactly what Jaya was talking about. She clears her throat, putting her fist up to her lips and looking off to the side, and changes the subject.

“So,” she begins, turning to Jaya. “You must be Jade.” You squint, recognizing that gleam of pure bullshit in her eye. It reminds you of your brother, who gave you that look all the time in the rare occasion that he took off those stupid anime shades. Now that you think of it, yours and Rose’s hair colors are eerily similar, almost platinum blonde. There’s no way you’re family, though. As far as you know, your bro had a one-night-stand with some chick who just dropped you off at his doorstop before she set off to jail. Oh wait, that’s plot to a sitcom. You have no idea where you came from. You just are. Who cares how you came to be. Shit, you were probably a clone or something. Sent to earth the save the world on a meteor with superpowers and laser beams coming out of your eyes. Yes. Best headcanon ever.

John’s stupid voice brings you back to reality. “May we enter, mademoiselle?” No. Stop.

Rose gestures inside. “Please.” As soon as the freaky twins make their way inside, her eyebrows furrow together. You narrow your eyes and pass by her like you didn’t see anything.

Dave: Ogle the place.

Ogle what now? There’s nothing to ogle. It seems pretty fucking normal to you. Like, sitcom normal. Too clean. There’re probably hidden cameras somewhere.

“Dave, stop ogling and pay attention,” John whispers, nudging you.

“I would also very much appreciate it,” Rose says, near condescending. She smiles and points to the empty chair at the kitchen table.

“Nah, I’ll stand.” You lean on the mantle with your elbow, gazing off into the far distance. You flip your bangs out from your eyes like a fucking tool. Damn it. You resist all temptation to look at Jaya. You do hear a small giggle, though. Fuck.

“Now then,” Rose remits, interrupting your private thoughts. “On with the interview.”

Good. Show them how it’s done, Jaya. You and John have taught her well. That is, unless she asks about the escape. John is better at explaining what and how things should be said, but you didn’t get to tell him how the real Jade escaped. Only you know that, but she can’t seriously think that that the real Jade was awake to remember all that crap anyway. She could have been completely passed out. But hey, only Rose, Betty Crocker’s most trusted acquaintance, would know the whole story. You only know a small portion. You sigh and hope for the best.

“Where were you born?”

“In a hospital?” Jaya guesses. You cough to cover up your snort.

“Do you need a drink of water, Dave?” Rose asks without turning her head.

“No, ma’am, I’m fine,” you manage to say through actual coughs and fits of laughter. “I’m good.”

“Strike two, and you are out,” she warns, still smiling.

“Aye, aye, captain.” You do a half-assed salute with two fingers. As long as that girl of yours doesn’t answer with any more silly answers, you’ll be set.

“Was that wrong?” Jaya asks, concerned. She looks at you with a worried expression. You shrug in response.

“No, that was just fine,” Rose reassures her. “You are honest. I admire that.” She looks towards you icily through the side of her eye. “Next question, then.”

Dave: Try not to freak out.

-Be Jade exactly an hour from now-

Jaya: Answer the ultimate question.

“Last question,” Rose says.

You grit your teeth. You expected this. Now, you aren’t the real Jade or anything, but you have to make up something that Rose will believe.

“How did you escape the mansion when the red miles were attacking?” You hear Dave and John groan to themselves. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Dave turn away.

Your head starts to pound. You groan and put your hands on the sides of your head. Something clicks your brain. Something happened that you forgot. On instinct, you open your eyes and glance at the magenta ring on your finger. All of a sudden, random images come up. Flowing black hair, some red vines, lots of running… and…

“Jade?” Rose asks, putting a hand on your shoulder. “Are you alright?”

“A boy…” you whisper. “He…” You swallow, unsure what to say next. “He and someone else… The younger one, he got us out!” You pick your head up, head still pounding. “He got us out by running really fast, around all of the red vine things, like they were frozen in time. And then we were suddenly outside and he threw a rock at some flying guy that was chasing us?” You laugh to yourself. “I’m sorry, that sounds really silly. Like people can time travel! Or fly!”

You meet Rose’s gaze cautiously. Her jaw slightly slack, it looks like she’s holding her breath. You look to Dave, who is staring at you intently. Embarrassed, you turn to John, who is busy plugging his ears for some reason. She inhales sharply, grabbing your attention again.

“What?” you ask.

“You answered all of my questions,” she said sweetly, patting her hands on her thighs. She brings them gracefully back to her lap and folds them neatly. “I will go talk to my employer, and we will see if we can set up a meeting.”

You widen your eyes and feel a smile growing on your face. “You hear that, guys?” you exclaim a little too excitedly. You can’t help it! You try to brush off the possibility that you actually are the real Jade. The echoes of your nightmare from the other night are still haunting you.

“We did it,” Dave mutters.

John opens one eye. “Did we do it?” he asks.

“Yep,” Dave replies.

Rose stands you up and presents you to your official fake twin brother. “You got this far,” Rose corrects.

“We did it!” John cries, celebrating like the Japanese guy from that one superhero show when he realized he could time travel. “I need a moment outside, hang on a sec.” He then takes off yelping with joy.

You look around for Dave. That’s weird, you didn’t notice him leave. Rose drags you off by your wrist in the direction of the bedroom. You wonder when he left. What was he thinking? John is easy to read, but you often ask yourself what is going on behind the shades. You miss the days where he never wore them. Lately, he only wore them around you. You wonder a lot about him, actually. He tries to be cool so many times, but he’s really not. At least he’s not an asshole to you anymore. It’s one of the things you like about him. Now only if he liked your dog…

“Jade,” says Rose, interrupting your thoughts. You shake your head swiftly and focus on the purple-eyed host. “I do not want you to take this as being offensive, but I would like to take you out; clean you up a bit, perhaps get a new outfit or two… What do you say?”

Your jaw drops slightly. “Oh, uh, o-okay!” you stutter.

“And as a personal treat, paid for by the Crocker Corporation, I would like to take the three of you to a… fancy restaurant.” She wiggles her eyebrows. You can’t help but chuckle.

In a matter of minutes, you two are giggling like two long-lost childhood best friends.

“Go and tell them now. I will call the budget office and skim some extra income from my bonuses next month.” She winks and shoos you away.

You take two steps away from her bedroom when you realize that she wanted to dress you up like a doll. You pass by a mirror on the way to the backyard, where you can hear John and Dave talking. They did their best to make you look nice, which didn’t go farther than the blue dress that Dave bought you on the cruise. Your hair was simply brushed, and victim to the heartless wind. Your glasses aren’t much help either, you look like a huge dork. You sigh and shake your head.

And then it hits you.

You are in _New York City_. You are in the care of one of the richest people in the world who wants to buy you things, and you’re being blasé about it! There’s no way you’re missing out on this opportunity. You’ve barely had one or two outfits or a bed to yourself in your whole life, living with so many Trolls in one house, and now an opportunity is slapping you in the face! You run outside to tell John and Dave.

-Be John now. I kind of miss him.-

John: Celebrate.

Your name is John Egbert and you have never been so excited in your life. After you run outside, you run quite literally into Dave, who is spacing out next to a tree. You drape an arm over him, letting gravity take over.

“Dave! Dave! Hello?” you call, waving a hand in front of his face.

“Oh my god! I’m not spacing out! Get away from me!” He swats at your hand and you laugh at him. He’s totally spacing out. He pushes his sunglasses up from his nose, which nearly fell off during your attack.

“Don’t you know what happened in there just now?” you ask, pointing to the house. You swear you’re a puppy right now. Everything is now within reach: the money, revenge, and a sweet movie deal if executed right.

“We found her,” he mumbles.

“Exactly! Now we can leave her here, take the money, and—”

“No, John. You don’t understand.”

You pause, scrunching your face. “What?”

“That’s her. She’s the real deal.” He looks away from you guiltily.

You blink, face still contorted. “So…”

“It’s the real Jade, you dumbass!” he blurts out loudly.

It sinks in. “You mean… that’s…” You gesture your thumb to the house.

Dave nods.

“The real Jade.”

Dave nods again.

“That’s my actual sister??” you whisper, leaning in and still gesturing.

“For fuck’s sake, yes!” He throws up his arms and turns back around, dropping his head. He lowers his arms and leans his head against the tree.

You can hardly believe it. You can’t even believe it. You are going to put on your denial shades for now. “You’re just caught up in the moment. Rose _did_ ask a lot of leading questions. My real sister probably did the smart thing and ran away from this entire debacle of a family! Jaya was raised by trolls or something. Why would you think that would be her anyway?”

Dave turns back to you and sighs, like he’s been waiting a long time to tell you something. “Well, because—”

“Guys, guys!” Jaya calls from the back door.

“What, what?” you answer, completely ignoring Dave.

“Rose wants to take us out shopping in the city!” she yells.

“Exhilarating. So what?” Dave asks. He’s probably giving you the stink eye behind those sunglasses.

“She’s also feeding us!” She looks at you while she says that.

“I’m in, as long as it isn’t cake!” you reply excitedly. You dash to her, giving her a hug unconsciously. She hugs you back and you spin her around like you’re in an old movie. “Hey mind if I ask you a question?” You lead her inside.

“Okay,” she says dizzily. She steadies herself and collapses onto the white sofa.

“Do you mind if I call you by your fake name?” you ask awkwardly. You avert her gaze, trying not to make it sound like you were asking her out.

“Which one?” she asks.

You kick at an imaginary rock. “Jade.”

She pauses, obviously thinking carefully about her answer. “You don’t have to call me Jade if you don’t want to. I like Jaya better,” she adds, grinning. “But it might be nice being your sister for a while, though. Don’t be so down, John! It’s only a name.”

She’s right, you conclude. “Okay, then you can call me Dr. Peter Venkman!”

Jaya holds her stomach and laughs a hearty laugh, one that sounds so joyous and genuine, one that you can’t help joining in on the fun. “I think ‘John’ suits you better, good doctor!”

No more than a minute later, Rose emerges from her room, looking gorgeous as ever. You are so lucky to have a girl as beautiful as she in your life. Not that Jaya isn’t beautiful or anything. You just don’t see her as you see Rose. Dave would be insanely jealous, though. You can’t treat your best friend that way! As much as you really want to shove him and Jade together right now…

You take Rose by the hand, giving it a light kiss. Spots of soft pink form on her cheeks, and you give her wrist another light kiss. You don’t really care that Jaya is making gagging noises right now. You take the purple-themed lady on your arm and she waves Jaya to follow you two.

“I’ll go find Dave!” she volunteers.

“Already called a taxi,” Dave says, appearing out of nowhere, startling everyone, including yourself. Before you can say anything, he says, “I am just that good.”

“Nah,” Jaya teases.

“Hey, I’m the coolkid here, not you, shorty,” he fires back.

“Hey, I’m tall on my island!”

“What island is that, Munchkinland?” He smirks. Dave is going down a dangerous road.

She punches him in the shoulder.

“Ow! Just take my arm already! We don’t want people staring at us.” He takes Jade around her waist and beats you and Rose out the door. “Taxi’s here!” he calls from outside over Jaya’s protests.

You take her outside and sure enough, the taxi had arrived. _Those two_ are already having a muffled argument behind closed car doors.

“You know, John?” Rose starts to say.

“Yes, Rose?”

“They say that ‘Paris is the key to your heart’, but I think ‘New York is where you start anew’.”

You can’t stand how great this girl is.

-Time to be Droll!-

Droll: Tells us your true name.

You can’t do that! That is top secret confidential information!

Droll: Lament.

Jack has never been the same since the cruise. He’s a lot colder and you are starting to get worried about his health. You can’t go through your life chasin’ dreams, is what you say!

It almost makes you want to regret helping him out.

And this has nothing to do with getting your ass handed to you on a silver platter three nights ago on the boat by that guy with the sword. Not. At. All. He didn’t even flinch at your bomb!

In any case, Jack is starting to get fatigued. He’s wearing the ring too much, you’re sure of that. It’s starting to take its toll, you think. He needs to get a life.

As soon as he gets back from his recon for today, you are going to tell him exactly that!

Not two seconds later, Jack returns.

He lands, collapsing his wings as he enters the doors to the abandoned penthouse you and Jack convinced the renting tenants was haunted. It has a good balcony with a nice view, you think, but there’s no time for ogling right now!

“Jack!” you blurt.

“What is it? I’m busy.”

“I think you need a life.”

He stops.

“You’re getting fatigued!”

“Stop.”

“I’m worried!”

“Shut up!”

“Look, I want revenge for our planet, too, but I think you should take the day or the week off.”

No answer.

“Jack?”

“I’ll take the day.” He turns to tower over you. “Don’t be disturbin’ my nap, or you’ll be sleepin’ with the fishes, ya got it?”

You salute. “Okay, boss!” He turns to the master bedroom, the only bed tall enough for his size and slams the door.

You go to the couch and pull off all of the cushions and toss them on the floor. The sun is setting, so it’ll be time to sleep. You are going to sleep all day tomorrow. You hope Jack will, too. You collapse onto the couch and fall asleep.

-Be Jade again?-

Jade: Get a makeover.

What’s a makeover?

You sit in a rolling chair in front of one of many mirrors with bare light bulbs bordering each mirror. The floors are a creamy color, and the sinks are equal in shade and shine. You’re not the only one there, either. There is a line going out the door full of short women with sagging, wrinkled faces, and tall girls wearing five-inch high heels so glossy that you can probably see your reflection if you got close enough. There is chatter everywhere. Maybe if Rose would have let you stand in line instead of cutting in front of everyone with just a mention of her name, you would have thought this was an absolutely awful idea.

Wait, where are they going with those scissors? Is that hot wax?! And why the hell are they taking your glasses away? You need those! You don’t like where this is going. Not one bit. You squeeze your eyes shut, hoping that this will all pass over quickly.

“Jade, open your eyes,” Rose pesters. You hold your ground. “We cannot properly inspect you if your eyes are scrunched up like that.” You shake your head. She exhaled sharply. “Open. Your. Eyes!” You do, afraid of what she’ll do to you if you don’t. “That’s better! Pierre! Le royale!” she orders the gothic hairstylist, pointing at you. Was that French? Maybe it isn’t what Rose is going to do to you, but what she’s telling this guy to do to you. “I will be back in half an hour, so let Pierre do his thing. He will make you fit for a night with the Queen of England herself!” She blew a kiss and winked before she sped out the door.

You turn your head to Pierre, who stands there like he sees this every day. He cracks his neck and silently begins his quest. He rolls you in the chair over to the sink and washes your hair. He grunts in frustration as he scrubs your scalp with pump after pump of shampoo. Just as you were beginning to feel the soothing relaxation of someone massaging your scalp, the shampoo is rinsed out with ice cold water, shocking you rigid again. He rolls you back to the mirror and starts pinning your hair up in strange curls against your head. You don’t think you’ve ever liked modern fashion, but you have a funny feeling that you’re going to be entrenched in it.

Just as you were going to point out that he didn’t curl a spot on her hair, you hear the snips. More snipping. A sigh. More snipping. You turn your head to see what he’s doing to your pride and joy, but he forces you back forward. This process goes on for a while until he smacks you upside the head. Your eye twitches. This silent guy is starting to annoy you. You give up and he uncurls bit after bit of hair and cuts them, evening everything out. He finishes mutilating your long hair and gives you bangs. He blow dries everything, styling your bangs to swoop to one side and fluffing up your hair like some blonde Texan girl. Except you had thick black hair. And you weren’t pretty. Bluh.

And then his assistant comes at you with the hot wax.

Oh, hell no.

Jaya: Run.

-Be Rose!-

Rose: Go check on the boys.

The boys are next door at the tailor’s. You are getting them both fitted suits. Your boss hates it when her valuable time is wasted by individuals who do not care to dress professionally in her presence. You have a plan for this, you think, even though she stopped looking for Jade. But you believe she is the real thing.

Maybe she will forgive you if they look sharp. John in blue and Dave in maroon. Your own dress will be lavender and layered, and Jade’s will be a surprise. For now, the four of you will be in street clothes. Whoever picked out that blue dress that she was wearing for her interview had a pretty good eye. You think too much on it, but you smirk smugly anyway. Goodness, do you enjoy being evil.

You get there to see John busy admiring his new suit. “Wow, awesome!”

Dave is well… Dave, as John so eloquently puts it. “This thing is suffocating. How the fuck am I supposed to fight in this?”

“Hey, hey Dave! Do I look like James Bond?” John says, posing badly. His tailor gives his pants a tug to stop.

“No, you look like an asshole.” Rude. His tailor thinks so as well and shakes his head. John only laughs.

You roll your eyes. Perhaps Dave is the one that needs to learn some manners. Is he always this pissy? Personally, you think that Jade is just fine the way she is, growing up in isolation or not.

The tailors finish their jobs and both boys change back into their normal clothes. You pay up front to make sure they are complete by tomorrow’s meeting with Mrs. Crocker. The two of you have been attending this particular show every year like clockwork. You never miss it, and it is the perfect opportunity for a reunion.

You gather your guests and take them next door to where Jade should be finished getting ready.

You hear a shrill scream from a single source, then lots of yelling from multiple sources. Oh, no.

“Oh Rose, thank goodness! They were going to—” She freezes the instant she sees Dave. Her face turns about as red as the suit you just bought Dave. Her hair is styled perfectly, save a few flyaways from the fuss. Her wide-eyed embarrassed expression right now makes her absolutely adorable. You glance at Dave, and you can tell that he is thinking the exact same thing. He swallows and turns away and coughs, covering his mouth. You almost couldn’t catch the red appearing on his cheeks.

“I’ll tell them to refrain from using the wax, okay?” you say, resting a hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

“Th-thanks…” she mutters, looking at the ground to try to hide her face. “Are we done yet?”

“Almost,” you reply. You will have to negotiate price so that you do not have to pay for this terrible service towards the beloved heiress. “We just need to apply some minimal makeup. I will be here the whole time.” You shoot both boys a look. “Meet us at that white store front in ten minutes,” you order.

“Yes, ma’am,” Dave complies sarcastically. Seriously, that boy.

“We are still going to do some shopping.” And you know just the man to carry the paraphernalia for you.

-Dave! At the moment he saw Jade.-

Dave: Confess embarrassment to party.

hello you have reached daves voice mail  
hes not home at the moment so leave your message after the beep  
beep

-Now back to me—WHOOPS I mean the present.-

Dave: Snap out of it.

You successfully snap out of it. As soon as Rose and Jade exit the salon, they link their arms together, like a couple of girlfriends from a terrible bridesmaid comedy. If this were an equally terrible musical romcom, they could’ve burst into song right then and there. They meet you at the white store front, like Rose told you to, and you can’t believe your eyes.

Jade’s clothes hadn’t changed, but something about her presence was different. Her hair was different, sure, but there is something else. She wasn’t even wearing much makeup. Nothing major, but they all highlighted features of her that automatically caught your attention and automatically lov—

Nope.

The blonde attached herself to John’s arm while Jade took yours, and the four of you set off down the sidewalk in a straight row. Good thing there aren’t any cars at the moment, or people might’ve been pushed off the street into oncoming traffic, and one such Rose would still be cool as a cucumber. Man, she is one scary enemy. Next time, you should just buy her a friendship necklace and then maybe you can be friends. Are those still a thing? Or are they too weird? What is modern society? Insert really deep question here. She’s probably even more of a coolkid than you are, if that’s even possible. She knows it, too. She thinks she has seen right through you, but she’s wrong. You are so cool. Cooler than a bucket of ice in a volcano. That volcano is your heart. And Jade is in your heart.

Oh, mother fuck.

-Fast-forward to dinner.-

-Still Dave???-

Dave: Stop staring at Jade.

You fail to stop staring at Jade. You admit that Jade suits her better. Jade, the stone, also green. Like her eyes. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore. You swear as soon as you’re done with this whole turning her over to the batterbitch madness (which turns your stomach just as much as the batterbitch herself but hot damn she makes good cookies), you’re going to make a movie about this. But not with the reward money, no way.

Dave: Be a pack mule.

No. You are not carrying all of these bags. They still have to buy Jaya a dress for tomorrow evening’s something-or-other. You think it’s a ballet. Either that, or it’s just a movie. Anyway, it’ll be a fancy-schmancy event, where you’ll have to wear a suit and tie, which Rose paid for as well as this dinner.

Dave: Write another rap about Jade.

You mumble to yourself as you scribble down notes on a paper towel with one of those silly children’s menu crayons, cursing appropriately when it snaps in your hand. You need to get this out of your head before it’s too late.

 _You make me want to wear sunglasses day and night so you can’t_  
_See my face, see my eyes, oh they try_  
_To keep us apart, and I think they realize (I realize)_  
_We can’t stay together, be together, see whenever_  
_We cry, laugh, jump, dance, sing and even fight_  
_And all the times that we faced_  
_Supernatural instances we were there._

 _What I want isn’t very hard to see_  
_But I think you and me, it ain’t to be_  
_You have Betty, I have Bro_  
_Someone to take care of us_  
_You have haves, I have-nots_  
_People to take care of you_  
_I don’t want this love to be_  
_Something we look back and see_  
_To be painful, break your heart_  
_So I want to tell you something that’s been on mine_  
_But I’m afraid my own can’t take a single extra beat._

 _What you said, what you said, it stuck with me_  
_When you said it, when you said it, I could see_  
_That night we first met_  
_It was not the greatest night to meet_  
_You had died or so we thought_  
_On the anniversary_  
_You described it so_  
_Perfectly, perfectly._

 _I remember that it was nothing to be happy of_  
_Bro and I we fought them off_  
_And I saw you and that old hag running from the guy who made_  
_Everything that was a bad memory to forget_  
_That that night had happened then_  
_I threw the rock and protected you and made him turn_  
_That was me_  
_That was me_  
_That was me_  
_THAT WAS MԅЂ£ ~~MOTHERFUCKER~~_

Friggin’ crayon.

You read over the blurb and think it is the shittiest thing you have ever read in your entire life. You crumple it up and are about to throw it away when you freeze. Your hand refuses to let the wad of crappy paper go into the obnoxiously shiny gold-plated trash bin. You force your index finger, then your pinky, then your ring finger, then your middle, but your thumb will not let it go. You shake your hand violently and even mentally curse your digit to just let it go already!

You can’t.

You can’t let it go.

You can’t let her go.

You sigh and pocket the wad in the rented tux jacket. Maybe the guy who cleans the suits after they’re rented out will find it and get rich off of an original and never-before-seen Dave Strider rap, even if it is a God-awful first draft. You do most of the writing in yours and John’s indie films anyway, so what’s one piece that goes off and makes a life of its own without your permission? There’s nothing new under the sun. Hell, you might even be in fan fiction right now that rips off a movie plot.

You yell and punch the mirror, leaving a perfect spider web design in the smack-dab center. You curse and wrap your bloody hand with brand new paper towels. You decide to go back out and at least try to enjoy the food that Crocker Corp. has so graciously paid for.


	11. Chapter 10

-The next day!-

Dave: Get your face out of John’s hand.

Wait, who’s hand?

You open your eyes to sunglasses askew and feel an imposter’s hand on your face, one finger getting dangerously close to going into your nostril. You slept on the floor last night, and John slept on the couch, both on borrowed blankets.

Eugh, you shudder. You flash-step to the other side of the room next to the doorway to the kitchen, leaving your sunglasses behind. You glance at the microwave, where the time reads six in the freaking morning. The fact that the sun was already up is a surprise. Barely up, anyway. Not that it matters. Today is the day that you hand over the girl that runs all over your mind like an Olympic marathoner to your worst enemy.

The door to the girls’ room opens, and Rose emerges wearing a light purple silk robe, yawning behind her hand. Your eyes meet and she pales for a half second, like she forgot she has guests and just now remembered you existed. Either that, or she forgot something very important. Suspicious.

“Good morning to you, too,” you say.

She pushes past you and prepares a bowl of cold cereal.

“You’re acting really suspicious, you know that?” you say. She ignores you. “You have been since the minute we met, no the second. The millisecond, even.” No response. You take a shot in the dark. “There’s something wrong with your connections, isn’t there?” She pauses, then continues pouring the milk. “I’m right, aren’t I? There’s no meeting set up, is there?”

“You are not incorrect,” she says before lifting a spoonful of… Lucky Charms? “But you are obviously misled.”

Damn, she’s good. “There’s no show then?”

“No there is most definitely a show.” Another spoonful. Chew, swallow. “And she will be in attendance.”

“Come on, don’t leave me guessing.” You pull up a chair and sit, trying to get to her eye level. She closes her eyes in response, not missing a beat in eating.

“I have a plan, and that is all you need to know at the moment.”

“Bullshit.”

“No.”

“Then at least let me help!” you yell, slamming your hands on the table.

She puts her spoon down and looks ahead calmly. Is she thinking? You can’t tell. “I need to make a few modifications,” she says after ten full seconds of silence.

“And they are…?”

“Sit down, and maybe I will tell you all about them.”

Shit, you didn’t even know you stood up. You sit.

“With that attitude, you will _definitely_ survive the encounter with my boss.”

“Am I supposed to be insulted?”

“You will live a long and healthy life if you treat her like that.”

“Now that was definitely sarcasm!”

“She will even pay for your retirement in full.”

“Bullshit! She’ll be dead by then!”

She chuckles, smiling a smug Mona Lisa smile and puts her elbows on the table, resting her chin lightly on her fingertips. Her expression just screams “you know nothing, knave”.

You let out a frustrated groan. You gesture for her to finish and cross your arms.

“I have given it many eons of thought,” she begins. You roll your eyes. “And I have determined that I need you to fully participate in my plan.” She pauses, waiting for you to do something. You shrug. “I’m glad you agree. What will happen is that she and I will sit in our normal seats, and you three will sit somewhere else.”

Before you can protest, she shushes you and explains the rest. You lean back thoughtfully. Maybe this will work, you think. You might have underestimated the purple girl.

“Now please let me finish my breakfast. We need to pick up our garments soon.”

You put your hands up in defeat and get up to leave. You are about to turn around when she adds something else.

“I will be taking John with me to pick them up, so please keep Jade from leaving.”

“Is that a warning or an order?”

“Both.” A pause. “Maybe. She had a rough night last night and I had to tie her to the bed post to keep her from sleepwalking. She is still sleeping now, but I need you to wake her up before we come back.”

“Right.” You turn your head behind you to look at the single bedroom she and Jaya shared.

“And don’t think that you’re getting past me when you gaze longingly in her general direction whenever you get the chance to do so. She might be dense enough to not realize that you stare at her like the last slice of cake, but I assure you, _I_ am quite perceptive.”

“Get off my back, Lalonde. That’s none of your fucking business.” You turn on your heel without looking back and head to where you were sleeping. You come back and take what’s left of Rose’s cereal, ignoring her protests (she only ate the marshmallows what the hell). You pass by John and dump the cereal on his face while passing by.

“Wh-ACKPLF!” he yelps. You’ve always wanted to do that. You set the bowl on the back of the couch and flash-step outside to hide on the roof until everyone inside calms the fuck down. You take the time to look around the neighborhood to see if you can find Bec, but he is nowhere to be seen. He must have found a lady friend or something.

You see John and Rose leave about half an hour later, and ninja yourself back inside, inserting a few parkour moves here and there; off the fence, dodging the litter of headstones, etc. You really need to practice your skills more. It’s starting to bother you that there hasn’t been any signs of trouble from those guys lately. You’re positive that there are two, not just the one. It blows your mind as to why they even want to hurt her in the first place. You feel your eye twitch when you think that.

You enter the house again and hear the shower running. Immediately, your mind goes to the gutter.

Dave: Calm the fuck down.

You succeed in calming the fuck down. Not.

-Be Jade-

Your name is Jaya Maryam and—

Wait, that’s not right.

Your name is temporarily Jade Crocker and you have a pounding headache. You wake up in Rose’s room and stretch your arms over your head. You throw off the covers, swinging your feet out of bed leisurely, and feel a slight tug on your ankle. There’s a strand of yarn tied from your ankle to the bed post. Sleepwalking again. You sigh and untie yourself. You need a shower.

Thankfully, there is a shower in Rose’s room, so you take advantage of the fact that no one seems to be home and take a long, hot shower. Back on your island, you had to conserve water for everyone else. And it was always cold. Hot water was a luxury. You’re actually surprised the place even had working indoor plumbing. Sighing happily, you force yourself to get out after you notice your wrinkled fingers.

You exit the bathroom to see that someone has closed the bedroom door. Or was it closed before and you didn’t notice? You shrug and change into your blue dress, leaving your hair unbrushed like you usually do, and head to the kitchen.

You don’t notice Dave on the couch until you pass it by. You jump and nearly whip out your gun to shoot him. You made a hidden pocket in your dress after you got home last night with Rose’s sewing machine. Her idea, not yours, and it ended up being a great one.

“Whoa there,” he says, putting his arms up. “It’s just me, no need to get your panties in a bunch.”

You let your guard down and shake your head. “I guess I’m a little jumpy.” Since the other night.

“It’s no problem. I’m here so you don’t need to worry about a thing. Nothing gets past me. I will be your knight in shining armor and be that one tooly princely guy from that one fairy tale. I will be so bright, the bad guys will be blinded, and by my utter brilliance they’ll run away with their tails between their legs, never to return.” He smirked at the end of that.

You giggle, feeling your cheeks warm up, and instinctually putting your fist over your lip to cover your teeth. They always look bigger when you smile widely like this and you think it looks terrible.

Suddenly, Dave is right in front of you and lightly holding your wrist. You look up at him with wide eyes and stop laughing. He must be serious because he took off his sunglasses.

“U-uhm,” you stutter, trying to break the silence.

“Stop hiding your smile,” he says softly. “It’s nice.”

“No it’s not…” you mumble, looking off to the side. He pulls down the hand that was covering your face and you close your lips. Dave is the last person that you want to show your flaws to, especially your teeth. You are really insecure about them and—

“Guys, we’re back!” John yells. It sounded like he kicked the door in! You and Dave immediately separate while Rose chastises him for nearly breaking her door. His arms are full of two black garment bags with the logo from the tailor shop on it, and Rose carries two white garment bags with the logo from the dress shop with the white store front.

“Jade, we have to make one slight change in your dress,” Rose says, approaching you with both bags. She wiggles her eyebrows slightly. You frown and she winks. “And I am confident enough to do it myself, but we need to hurry.” She shoots a look to the boys and pushes you in. “ _You two_ need to put the suits on as soon as possible. I will call a taxi as soon as I am finished fixing Jade’s dress. Then I’ll fix up you two. Jade and I will join you later in a different taxi. I—er, _we_ cannot have you embarrassing me in my own hometown, got it? Especially in the theatre district!” She shuts the door and locks it. She then laughs under her breath, still facing the door. You could’ve sworn it was an evil laugh. You gulp as she places the bags on the bed carefully. “Strip.”

“What?”

“Strip.”

“I—”

“No talking.”

“Okay, okay!”

Jade: Obey.

-THAT NIGHT OUTSIDE THE THEATRE.-

-John, I choose you!-

John: Stop being nervous.

What is there to be nervous about? It’s only a play. And it’s not like she’s your actual sister and giving her away at her wedding. It’s to get the money from the Batterbitch and bankrupt her. That’s all. You fiddle with your necktie nervously anyway.

“John, stop that,” Dave says, reaching over and swatting your hands away from your tie. You narrow your eyes when you see Dave’s own necktie askew.

“You’re one to talk,” you retaliate, reaching for Dave’s tie.

“Don’t touch me. I can do my own tie.” He steps backward.

“Dave, you look like crap. Get back here!”

“I refuse.”

You finally grab the tie, and he makes a choking sound. “Stop whining. At least you’re not wearing a bolo tie.”

“Gross. And completely racist.”

“And Rose isn’t making you wear a cravat.” You’re actually surprised he went along with the bow tie thing. He’s said bow ties were cool, but that was probably a reference to some show you don’t watch.

“How do you know so much about ties?” he asks.

“I had a half-brother growing up. He taught me everything I know.”

He scrunches his eyebrows together. “Liar. I was practically your half-brother.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Internet. Done!” You step back to admire your handiwork. “Well, the girls should be getting here any minute, so don’t touch your tie. We need to look like _gentlemen_.”

“That reminds me. John, I need to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

He takes a deep breath. “Remember when I told you that Jaya was your sister?”

Oh. You’d forgotten about that. You just figured he was in the moment and blowing it out of proportion. “Yeah…?”

“I have proof.”

You blink. “R-really?”

He sighs. “Yeah.” He reaches behind his head, but hesitates. He probably doesn’t want to mess up his hair for fear of being yelled at again. It had been entirely slicked back and cemented into place with hair gel, but you guess he doesn’t want to take any chances.

“Well, what is it?”

“Do you remember what she said, when she answered Rose’s question about how she escaped and all that?”

“I was plugging my ears the whole time. But I do know what she said. Rose told me.”

“Well, it was me.”

You frowned and narrowed your eyes. “What was you? The boy? As in the kid who got them out with the time travel and threw the rock?”

Dave nodded. He’s sweating like there was no tomorrow. “Yeah. But it wasn’t time travel, it was the stepping. And not just me. Me and bro. Dirk.” A rare moment in the life of the coolkid Dave Strider: getting emotional over a _girl_ , even if it didn’t show on his face.

Wait, what?! “So… She’s the _real_ , real thing? My sister? This whole time?” You grab him by his upper arms and shake him.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the past two days!” he explodes. There he goes. He shifts out of your grip easily. People start turning their heads, but overall let you and Dave be.

“We… We have to tell her,” you say. Maybe she doesn’t even know that she knows?

Dave mutters something.

“What?”

“But what if I don’t want to tell her!” he repeats loudly, shrugging his shoulders up and pressing his elbows against his sides, palms up.

“Tell me what?” a familiar mezzo-soprano voice sings from behind.

You both turn and see two beautiful ladies standing there. Rose is in a lovely floor-length lilac dress that is layered and strapless, matched with heels that raised her from her normal height of your nose to the height of your eyebrows. Her hair is bobbed like a flapper girl’s and she added a black feather to her signature black headband. Her makeup matches her dress perfectly, and she even used her usual black lipstick. Well, you think it’s usual. She’s always worn it.

You look over to Jade, who also looks beautiful. She’s in a black floor-length strapless gown with lime green ribbon lining the top. The fabric is embedded with glitter that looks like the night sky with white gloves that goes past her elbows. Her hair is tied up in a large bun with her bangs doing the swoopy thing, and rhinestones litter the top of her head. The makeup around her eyes match the green, and the red lipstick matches her glittery shoes. She got to keep her glasses, too.

You compare the red to Dave’s outfit. It’s almost like Rose planned it. You glance at Rose, who smiles and winks at you. Suspicions confirmed: she planned this. You smile back and look back at Dave expectantly. Both of you ship it real good.

“Tell me _what_?” Jaya—er, Jade repeats.

Dave is absolutely speechless. Well, except the part where he gets it wrong.

“How beautiful you look tonight,” he answers.

Despite that being a surprisingly un-douchy thing for him to say, both you and Rose to a quadruple face palm combo. He takes Jade on his arm and you take Rose in yours, and you all enter the building.

The four of you find your seats in the theatre; you, Dave, and Jade in the front row of the second tier balcony, and Rose to her and the Batterwitch’s normal seats in a private box near the stage, just across the way. The curtains are drawn so you can’t see them. Oh, she’s too good to see the common people before the show, huh? She thinks she’s so high and mighty…

John: Calm down and worry about your OTP.

You totally forgot!

You steal quick glances at Dave and Jade, who are being very lovey-dovey indeed.

Yes. Good.

-Be the Girl.-

Jade: Abscond!

You cannot abscond. Everything you and the boys have worked towards will go to waste if you do. You’re still not sure if you’re the real Jade or not, but even if you weren’t, you could still use your new connections to find out who you are anyway. It’s a win-win, you tell yourself.

At least you hope so.

And if you _are_ the real Jade, you hope she’ll still remembers you, even if you can’t remember anything yourself, or try to remember without inducing a headache. The key is not to make things up when you don’t know the answer. Now that you think about it, the scene you described to Rose when you answered how you escaped now sounds like it was completely made up and completely impossible! Where did that even come from?! You groan softly, bending forward in your seat and holding yourself, feeling nauseous on top of another headache. How the heck did you even get this far, anyway?

A comforting hand on your partially-bare back startles you. You gasp and jump, and lift your head to see Dave slightly bent over, close to your eye level. He had the courtesy to take off his dumb sunglasses inside for once, and you notice his eyes full of genuine concern.

“You okay?” he asks quietly.

“I will be,” you mumble. You take a deep breath and straighten yourself up. It feels like you messed up the makeup that Rose worked so hard at applying when you scrunched your eyebrows just now. “I just hope she remembers me.”

“You’re gonna be fine. That program you’re ripping up, though…” He fades out, turning his gaze to your lap. You didn’t even notice you were mutilating the playbill. “…it won’t survive the first act. It’s going to be raining paper all up in this bitch if you keep doing that.” He hands you his. “Shit, take mine too, we’ll make this a playbill party with playbill confetti, then we’ll throw it all on the crowd below and create a fucking playbill blizzard.”

You laugh weakly, giving Dave a small shove with your elbow. He throws in a few “heh’s”. John stares completely confused and asks what’s going on. You shake your head and don’t try to explain. You were starting to feel calm again when the lights flashed on and off, signaling the show was about to start. Getting serious again, you lock your gaze on the private box across the way. The curtains had opened and you spot Rose, but the lights dim to near-darkness as soon as you look over to Betty Crocker. All you see is her tall silhouette. She doesn’t seem very old by what you can see.

The live orchestra starts the overture and you start to mess with the playbill again. You gulp uncomfortably and start to rip out the pages one by one, barely following the storyline. You think it’s about some servant girl and grew pumpkins that turn into a carriage at the end. It reminds you of your garden back on the island. You have a small private place that you sometimes hung out in to get away from everyone at the mansion. A place just for you. You grew flowers, mostly. Then, late one October, Vriska came back from her trip with a huge orange gourd over her shoulder. She said she won it gambling, but she didn’t know what to do with it so she just took it home. The grubs immediately took an interest, taking turns trying to break it open to see what was inside. Kanaya finally had to use her chainsaw to open it, which made a huge mess, and the grubs loved. Eridan threw a fit because a tiny bit of pulp got on his cape.

You smile at the memory and manage to calm down some. You remember cleaning it up and seeing one of the seeds starting to sprout. What began as curiosity and seeing if it grew like any other seed, became adding it to your other pride and joy: the garden. You wonder if anyone is taking care of it. Maybe Karkat or Kanaya or Nepeta or even Aradia found it and started to take care of it. Aradia’s only twelve earth years old, but she’s smart and can figure out how to do it. You’d rather have her do it than Vriska or Sollux or the other kids. You wish you can take Dave to the island. He and Karkat probably won’t get along though. They’d probably fight over the dumbest things. Geez, you’re thinking about this like Dave’s going to meet your dad or something! He’s your patron, so he’s kind of like a dad, you guess, which would make Kanaya your mom. You’ll have to ask John after the sh—

The audience applauds, the curtains close, the lights go up. You look down to see that you have successfully made confetti out of a poor playbill. Is it the end of the first act already? John and Dave stand up at the same time on either side of you. You look up at them, petrified.

“Showtime,” John says, offering his hand.

You take it and stand shakily, letting all of the ripped pieces fall to the floor and flutter down like snow. Your pulse races wildly.

“We’ll be behind you all the way, _Jade_.” Dave enunciates her borrowed name, offering his hand as well.

You take a deep breath and follow them, clutching their hands as best as you can in your slick gloves. You make your way through the crowd of people on the second floor, nearly getting separated quite a few times, keeping your head down. They slow down when you fall behind. The area clears up when the three of you approach the private box areas. Finally, you see the room number and take a deep breath.

“Relax, we have this whole thing under control,” John reassures you. He lets go of your hand, clears his throat, and knocks on the door. You grip Dave’s hand tightly. He squeezes back in response.

Loudly from the inside, Rose calls out, “Who is it?”

“I come to present a very special guest to meet with your gracious ruler!” He turns back and winks. The door unlocks shortly after.

It cracks open, revealing a lavender eye with copious amounts of makeup, a.k.a., Rose. She opens it all the way and waves in the two boys, putting a finger over her lips to you. John sallies forth.

“Remember, when I say your name, you let yourself in, okay?” Dave whispers, slipping out of your fingertips. You hand feels empty already.

You nod. Rose leads them in and leaves the door open a crack. You can hear them talking from the outside.

Jade: Eavesdrop.

-Be the Rose girl-

Rose: Present the boys to your employer.

That is a very difficult notion. You still have not told her that they were coming. You’ve been trying the entire first act to no avail, and for all she knows, these two humans are assassins. Even knowing the script backwards and forwards, you are still nervous. She has been in an ornery mood all night: the long, fuchsia gown that she wears every year is get tighter from sampling new recipes, and before the show she complained that her ride was late because of a “four-wheeled device accident”. She is also sweating because of the hot theatre. When the locals found out she was going to go to this show, they filled the seats to the brim, thus creating a lot of body heat. Mrs. Crocker does _not_ do heat. She flees from it every chance gets. It is making her hair frizzy and nappy, and you can tell it is already a pain to keep it as long as she does. She now refuses to leave her seat, using the playbill as a makeshift fan.

“Good evening, gentlemen,” you say, loud enough for her to hear from her seat. “What brings you to our humble box?” They are positioned in the middle of the small annex connecting the hallways and their private box. It greatly reduces noise, and there is even a miniature bar fully stocked with filtered water and vodka, which she never touches. You are still too young to drink, which is unfortunate, but the year-long age gap does not stop you from taking the occasional experimental sip now and again.

“We have a special guest, who has come many miles to meet the one and only Betty Crocker,” Dave replies robotically. You narrow your eyes at him, unamused. He shrugs. You hope that John is a better actor.

“From Seattle!” John adds. You can’t fully sigh with relief, but at least he is better than Dave.

You pause for effect. The pause goes unnoticed as the conversation takes a turn for the worse.

“You take yourself, and your promises, and leave, before I kill you both where you stand,” your boss responds out from behind you. “This is my private time and I would appreciate it if you would leave me in peace. Besides, I’d hate to get blood all over my dress. It’s a classic from my home.”

You were afraid of this. You put up your hands and make a quick motion across your neck with your hand. “Now is not a good time,” you mutter. “You had better go. She is not afraid to go through with her threats.” You take them both by the arm and rush them out. Before you get to the door, Dave escapes from your grip. Looking around, you find he is completely gone, like a ninja of some sort. You sigh. You can’t help him if he goes rogue like this. On the way out, you tell Jade to go back to her seat when Dave comes out. She says okay and waits. _If_ he comes out.

“Well that sucks, I guess,” John laments. You follow him downstairs to the main floor concessions and decide that now will be as good a night as ever to tell him.

“John,” you say, tugging at his sleeve. All you can see is the reflective tile floor and his feet turn towards you.

“Yeah, Rose? What is it?” he asks, putting a comforting hand on your bare shoulder. His touch gives you goose bumps across your back.

“I have been turning it over in my mind for a long time now, and I have figured that this is the best time to tell you about it.” You find it hard to swallow.

“Are you okay?”

“I… Your mother is dead.”

“I know,” he responds without hesitation. You look up to see his face and wish you hadn’t. There’s a dark look in his eyes that sends chills to your very core.

-Let’s be the Condesce.-

Betty Crocker: Try not to cull everyone.

And oh, is it _diff_ icult. You ready your double headed trident, willing to cabob whoever comes through those curtains.

You look out over the audience with disdain. All have come to catch a glimpse of the famed Betty Crocker. No one here knows what you’re actually like. You’ll outlive them all, and quite possibly rule over them forever. You have been for a while, but they don’t realize it yet. The papers say that if you were still alive, you’d be the oldest woman on earth. But they’re wrong. The real Betty Crocker is dead. You have simply taken her place. You’ve fought too hard for their silly rumors and tall fish-tales.

You go to this show every earth year. It is the only solace you have, since the hall is usually empty. Your Jade always wanted you to read it to her and her obnoxious genetic sibling. In the sweep after you woke up from your coma, you began to pick up the pieces of your old life. You were inconsolable. You needed something, but you weren’t shore what. Jane would always explain it to you, but she had already taken John and escaped somewhere beyond your view (you had found them two weeks later and kept tabs on them, just in case they were keeping Jade from you, and when the evidence was inconclusive, you hired a mercenary); it was the only thing she was good for besides dying. You eventually found the solution in the ruins of the hive you created for your first wards

You submersed yourself in the story and decided to produce a public performance around it. You hired the best of the best in an effort to perhaps attract her to one of the shows. It obviously didn’t work, since she never attended, not once. The distance between your home now and then aren’t _that_ far apart. You are merely attending out of habit, for tonight’s show will be your last.

The curtain rustles behind you. The footfalls are too heavy to belong to Rose. You deploy you trident without turning. The intruder did not fall to the floor. The trident simply rips the curtain and embeds itself in the floor. You twitch and turn in your chair towards the intruder. You _never_ miss, and you are _not_ rusty.

“Careful,” a manly voice said. “You could kill someone with that thing.”

“Explain yourself, human!” you demand, sauntering. You easily tower over him by two heads. Six heads if your horns were at full-length.

“You have quite the arm there,” the young, golden-haired, shades-wearing pink-skin commented. What a prick, you observe.

“You gravely underestimate me,” you warn.

“All I need is some time to freestyle,” he says.

“You have thirteen seconds before I kill you where you stand.”

“Can you multiply that times four?”

“Ten seconds.”

“Shit well I’ll get to the point then. Jade is standing right outside.”

“You lie.”

“Nope.” You recognize his smug expression, you just can’t place it.

“You’re too late, I have called off the search. You can take your silly little imposter with you willingly, or I can call my human guards and have you forced out.” You cross your arms.

“What if I can prove it?” He raises an eyebrow.

That eyebrow gave it away. You bend at your waist slightly, peering into his shaded eyewear and point your long second finger at his blood-pusher. “I know you from somewhere.”

He clears his throat. “Do you?”

“Yes… Yes, I remember it now. You were there. You and your obnoxiously angled eye-covering-wearing nookhole of a genetic sibling.” You continue to prod his chest, and his story.

“What,” he deadpans, somewhat amused.

“I won’t bother explaining because you already know. We’re both aware of that night, but I am not the easily forgiving type. I know your kind. You use your female counterparts and you throw them away. Your ‘brother’? More like your father who had patronal issues himself.”

His lip curl into a snarl, amusement gone. “You take that ba—”

You laugh, returning to full stature. “And don’t even get me started on what you are doing to that innocent wiggler outside, assuming there even is one. You will probably forget all about her once you deliver her to me, take my money and be on your way, which to me, is just pocket change. As _if_ I’d give my entire fortune to my heiress, much less a stranger! And if she isn’t my granddaughter, there will be no chance that she will live to see another second, let alone use _my_ resources to help her find her real family, if that was your little back-up plan. She will be treated like the traitorous little witch she is. Her blood will be on _your_ hands, not mine. You don’t even care, so you don’t come in here and preach to _me_ about truth when you are lying to her every day.”

“If you’d just fucking listen!” He’s desperate now. Tch.

“I am done listening. You are going to leave my sight with only your life.” You point to the door.

“But I’m telling you she’s the real thing!”

You snap your fingers, and two robotic security guards take him by his limbs, dragging him out. “Consider yourself lucky, human.” You yank your trident out of the floor with a loud crack and some of the carpeting along with it. Pity. You just shined the thing this morning.

The human’s protests fade away to muffling and you sit back down into your seat. Where is Rose when you need her with your refreshments? This foolish human emotion called love. It is unnecessary. You are a Troll. An _Empress_. You do not develop human feelings. You prop up your trident on the floor like you’re back on your throne and look down your nose at the audience below. The show will begin again soon and you can go home sooner.

-Let’s go back to someone who is relevant.-

Jade: Listen to every word.

sorry, Jaya Vantas is not available at the moment. please leave a message after the _RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!_

No, you can’t freak out like this in public, no matter what thoughts are going through your head at a million miles an hour. You can’t breathe, your hands shake, and for some reason, you can’t stop staring at the dark brown stain on the carpet by the door.

The sound of Dave’s protests signal you to move away from the door. Your spaced-out stare shifts to a knot-shaped design in the carpet. The door opens, Dave is thrown at your feet, covering the spot on the ground, and the doors slam shut. He immediately gets up and yells indistinctively, pounding on the door and demanding them to open it, a slew of curses coming out. You furrow your brow. He turns around. You clench your jaw. He approaches you. Your fists ball up.

“Jade, I—” he starts. You interrupt.

“Don’t.” You uncurl your fingers and hold your hands up to your head, fighting off another headache. Something wants to come through, since you’re a little emotionally charged right now, but even worse, Dave has…

“I’m sorry, Jade, I promise I’ll—”

“Just stop.”

“What?” he asks in a clueless tone.

“My name isn’t Jade. It’s Jaya, okay?” You can feel your eyes watering.

“Yes it is. I have proof. You know who you were talking about in the story you told Rose? I know who it was. That was—”

“Just shut up! Don’t talk to me!” you say, raising your voice. A few people turn, but you really don’t give a flying rodentbeast’s ass about them. If you could care any less, you would, but you can’t. You literally cannot. You turn on your heel and to find Rose to go home. “Don’t _fucking_ talk to me! I’m going home!”

“Wait!” He grips your wrist.

That triggers it. You stop and turn your torso towards him, glaring. Without hesitation, you slap his face as hard as you can with your free hand. He lets go and you storm off, tears finally spilling out. The flats you’re wearing are rubbing against your feet uncomfortably. You only pause to rip them off one-by-one and carry them in your hand.

You charge down the stairs, hiking up your dress and not caring that your face is a huge mess. You don’t give a fuck. You push past people left and right on the ground floor, ignoring their remarks. You don’t care about them either. You are going to wait until you get somewhere private to let your emotions go batshit. You eye the women’s restroom and go in. The lights flicker on and off, letting the people know that the intermission is about to end. There are a few women in there, but they clear out when they see you enter. You have about two more seconds until you completely lose it. At least the coolness of the over-shined smooth tile feels good against your feet. Finally, the last stranger leaves.

You lose all control, sobbing loudly. You try to lean on the marble counter that matched the tile, but your arms are weaker than you thought, and fold under your weight as your legs buckle. You bury your face in your arms on the counter and release the kraken.

How could this all happen?

How could he go and betray you like that?! Just hand you over to such a maniacal and tyrannical woman! He was going to take her money and never see you again! And after everything you have been through! You’ve been on a burning train that exploded, travelled the country in a very confusing turn of events, almost died by sleepwalking, and apparently, that means jack shit to him!

You thought… you thought that he… and you…

And how could he just stand there and take it?! You can’t imagine what life would be like when you’re alone with her! You would only have Rose, who you barely even know, and maybe then, probably not! You hate being lonely. You’ve always had the Trolls, and despite there being so many of them and never having a private moment, there’s nothing you want more right now than to go back to them. Maybe you’d even go work at that _stupid_ factory they told you to in the first place. You miss Karkat and Kanaya, you miss Nepeta and Sollux and Aradia and all of the other grubs you grew up with. You even fucking miss Vriska bullying and Eridan’s condescension.

But if you could keep up with the charade of not actually being the real Jade, then you are only postponing the inevitable. This was such a stupid idea. It might get you killed.

You could still go with her and find that you’re not the real Jade and die, or go and find out that you are and live richly for the rest of your life, but you’ll be alone. Either way, you probably won’t ever see your friends again. Not on the island, not your friends who are of your same species, not…

“Dave, you fuckass…”

You hadn’t realized it until you said it out loud that you were muttering some of those other things out loud. You throw the shoes randomly behind you, hitting one of the stall doors.

“Jade?” a voice said, meek and equally bruised as your own. You turn to see Rose peeking out of the largest stall at the end of the room. It sounds _right_ when she says it.

“Rose,” you sniffle. “Were you there the whole time?” You wipe your eyes carefully with your fingertips, careful not to get makeup in your eye.

“Yes. I apologize, I should have made myself known sooner.” Her eyes are red. She must’ve been crying, too. She opens the door wider and pads over to the stall wall opposite you, leaning against it and sliding down to sit on the ground. She hands you your shoes back.

“Are you okay?” you ask, joining her.

“I… I had to tell John some bad news. He didn’t… take it very well, to say the least.” She shakes her head. “I doubt that it was any more traumatizing for you, though. I have never heard anyone sob that way unless their heart has been shattered and scattered.”

You choke back tears and bump your head against the wall on purpose. “You hit the nail on the head,” you half-laugh. “I just feel so betrayed, Rose.”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“No. I don’t know.” You sigh. “I just thought maybe we would be friends forever, you know? And now with my headaches, I think I’m just afraid that I will be the real Jade and I will remember things and never see you or Bec or John or Dave ever again!” She doesn’t respond. “Well, I heard what Betty said to Dave, and she let him live or something, and then I just kind of… exploded? On him?” It’s your turn to shake your head, still against the plastic wall. “So what did you need to tell John?”

“Before we get to that, I want to say that I completely believed the story you told me during your interview, and I do believe you are the real Jade Crocker, the heiress of Crocker Corps.” She clears her throat. “And that disturbs me because what I told John might concern you, too.”

“What is it?” Did you really want to know the answer to that?

She retrieved a wad of toilet paper before she continued. “I told him that I knew who killed his mother. But he knew already.” She rips off a portion of the wad and blew her nose. It doesn’t seem like she cares about her makeup anymore. “I told him how I found out, who I think did it and why, and I would rather have John tell you himself. It is not my place to meddle in family matters. I’ve learned that the hard way. All my lousy, stupid meddling,” she laughs.

You don’t know what to say.

“Anyway, let’s go home,” she offers. “Let’s get all of this shit off our faces and watch terrible movies.”

“Yes,” you reply without hesitation. You help each other up and she leads the way out of the bathroom and theatre, and hails a taxi. You don’t really like taxis, but it beats walking.

All the way back, you and Rose talk and annoy the driver with your raucous laughter. She pays him and you both go inside, helping each other out of your ridiculous dresses. Neither of you bother to take a shower and just wash your faces, getting right into pajamas instead and curling up next to each other on Rose’s bed watching pirated movies online on her laptop. You’re in the middle of the second movie when the doorbell rings. Rose gets up, but you stop her.

“I’ll get it,” you say, putting an obnoxiously-sized bowl of popcorn down where she was sitting before. You get close to the door and yell, “Go away, Dave!” The ringing persists and you finally throw open the door angrily. “I said go away!”

You freeze. It’s not Dave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh~ who could THAT be???


	12. Chapter 11

Narrator: Switch to another person.

-Oh, hell no. I’m _not_ doing self-inserts.-

-Time to be Dave.-

Dave: Abscond.

You can’t abscond. The guards are surprisingly strong. You scream and shout but it’s no use. She’s not going to listen to you. Why do you even care so much about that though? You’re thrown out of the room unceremoniously and the door slams behind you.

You find yourself at Jade’s feet on your hands and knees. Immediately, you jump up and pound on the door, yelling to the people inside to open it. You demand to speak to that woman again! But…

You turn to Jade, holding your breath. You are absotively posilutely, one hundred percent sure that the heard every word. You must look like a crazy person now; your hair has officially gone back to normal in the fuss. Great.

“Jade, I—”

She interrupts you. “Don’t.” Maybe you need to approach this more directly. One thing you’ve learned from TV is that girls need to be told what they want to hear.

“I’m sorry, Jade, I promise I’ll—”

“Just stop.” Stop?

You’re totally confused. “What?”

“My name isn’t Jade. It’s Jaya, okay?”

“Yes it is. I have proof.” Those competitive feelings are coming up again. You’re going to win this fight, even if you had to tie her down and put on a musical show for it. But you have neither the cast nor the rope to do that, so if you’re going to tell her, and you have to do it now. “You know who you were talking about in the story you told Rose? I know who it was. That was—”

“Just shut up! Don’t talk to me!” She’s raising her voice. Crap. She turns on her heel. Don’t do this. “Don’t _fucking_ talk to me!” You finally remember to breathe and step forward.

“Wait!” You grab her wrist desperately. She stops and turns, giving you the most painful expression you have ever seen. Her furrowed eyebrows, her red nose, and her trembling bottom lip makes you feel something you can’t believe you, Dave Strider, are feeling. In this scene, you can hear the exact millisecond where your heart shatters into tiny pieces. Even though it seemed like forever, it’s only a moment before she slaps you with all her might with her other hand. You let her slip away and she storms off. You realize people are now looking at you and shove your hands into your pockets, heading in the other direction. Your face stings where she hit you.

You swear you’d been wandering for hours when the lights flicker and the people head back into the theatre. Then, a piece of the night sky with lime green borders flutters in the corner of your eye. You turn to follow it, but it disappears into no-man’s land: the women’s bathroom. _Fuck._

You stand outside as if you are waiting for someone to come out while other women trickle out one-by-one, clutching their fancy hand bags. You figure you’ll just stay here until she comes out. By then she should be calm enough not to kill you—

But then you hear it, the sound of loud and uncontrollable crying. The timbre is all too familiar. You’d recognize it anywhere.

You feel your lips curl up on their own. “Gh-” you scoff. You suddenly have this insatiable anger building up in your gut and lean against the wall with your arm, clenching the same fist. Your hand is still tender from last night’s dinner when you broke that mirror, so punching anything right now would be a bad idea to say the least. You are seething. Seething through your teeth like some teenaged boy with hormonal problems. You are not a teenager anymore, you’re twenty years old. You are Dave motherfucking Strider, and you have no time for this bullshit.

You are going to take matters into your own hands. You’ve tried it Rose’s way, and look where that got you. But now it’s your turn. It’s time for you to work your movie magic powers all up in this bitch. You put your emotions away like the coolguy you are and prepare for a long night. Well, long _er_.

You need a car.

Dave: Carjack the Batterbitch’s car.

You’re sure she has a driver or a limo or something. All you have to do is ask.

You go outside and spot the valet booth near the drop-off area where the taxis are parked, ready to take home some rich people after the show. There’s some guy in it. Damn. He looks bored, though, so you decide to have some sort of fun with his psyche.

You flash-step to the large window and tap on the glass with your index finger. The guy looks up. You smile and wave. You flash-step away to the roof above the door, ready to pull him up and away when he opens the door.

The door opens and he looks out. Jackpot. You pull him up by his shoulders and step your way to the tallest point of the theatre. The dapper custom-fit suit makes you slower, but you have no choice but to be careful with it. All you have to do is not rip it. One loose thread and Rose will make a suit out of _you_.

His face is confused and clueless. Not to mention priceless. You give him a two-fingered salute with a smirk and flash-step away.

As soon as you get back to the booth, you look for the key. Shit, you forgot to ask which key it is. You’re about to find out when it catches your eye: a red spoon keychain. It has one key and one remote on it. Excellent. You snag it and go to the underground parking area, and locate the space number that was marked on the hook. You finally find the expensive German car and examine the interior and exterior logistics. When was the last time you even drove a car? It’s like riding a bike, you guess. By the time you’ve self-taught yourself everything, you realize that the show must have let out already. You lock everything, put the key back, and retrieve the guy from the roof. There’s already a shit ton of people crowding the booth, so you drop off the overworked fifty-something, who begrudgingly goes back to work, and abscond back to the top of the booth. ~~Aww, look at you using big words like that. It’s almost like a certain ex-goth chick has been rubbing off on you.~~ Your eye twitches when you see the head-bitch-in-charge coming down the path. You get the fuck off of your perch and dash to the car to wait.

Like the traditional white-guy ninja you are, you await the valet attendant in the steel rafters, ready to indulge in some high-intensity beat-downs. Too bad you don’t have a camera. You’d put that shit on YouTube and get a movie deal and skyrocket right to the top. But right now, you can’t afford to get distracted. You need to patch up this situation with Jade, and her family’s the only way you can think of to do it. Now that you think about it, you’re actually kind of relieved that she’s the real Jade because now she and John have no chance. On the other hand… We’ve had this conversation already.

This’ll work, you think. And then Jade will have her family, John will have his money, and then you will lose her forever. Ow in the chest cavity.

Finally, you see the guy coming. He’s wary of you. Looking around. He digs the key out of his pocket and power walks to the driver’s side. Right as he puts the key in the lock, you attack.

-Change to the head bitch-in-charge.-

Betty Crocker: Impatiently wait for your ride.

Your two body guards are not necessary, you keep reminding one of them. You only need your one, who just happens to drive your foreign vehicle. The other one is simply a robotic servant.

You just want to get home, away from this debacle. Rose ditched you, and you are not the happiest clam in the ocean. If you have ever needed a moirail, this would be the time. You have attempted to treat her as such, but was ignorant of your advances. You cross your arms and tap your foot impatiently. Who you would kill for your ring right now…

The car approaches. Finally.

Your driver opens the door for you. You could have done it yourself. You’re not kelpless. Fucking waste of trollpower. You step in as the other bodyguard goes around the back of the car.

Before either of them could join you, the car takes off, doors slamming shut by the momentum. What the shell?! Are you actually being _fishnapped_?! You ready your trident.

“Captor!” you yell. “What are you doing?! Slow down! Are you stealing my car?!”

“Who’s Captor?” the driver asks. He takes off the hat that you require your drivers to wear to reveal that blonde hair again. You narrow your eyes. The Strider human.

“Stop this car immediately!” you order. “I will poke holes in your rust-blooded meat suit!”

“Oh, don’t be like that, I’m only trying to help a good friend.” He is easily driving faster than the normal limits of earth laws.

You poise yourself to thrust the weapon right through his think pan. “Last warning.” You lunge forward and he dodges it. You do this multiple times and he still dodges them all.

“Hey, cut that out. We’ll both die at this rate.”

“You don’t know much about me, do you?”

“Touché. But you might as well stop, because I’m a lot faster now that I know that you want to kill me. I’m onto you now, _Batterbitch_.”

You sigh and lean back. “Fine. Take me wherever you want. I am not going to let you or your friends live, though.”

“You keep saying that.”

You decide not to respond and stare out of the window, bored. What kind of peasants live in these small hives, anyway? Wait a minute… you recognize these small hives. This is the way to Rose’s hive. He is either reading your mind or ganking your leg. The vehicle slows down and stops in front of a familiar cream-colored hive. Why is he bringing you to Rose’s place?

“We’re here.” He gets out and slams his door. He opens yours and leans on the frame of the car with his arm, trying to look intimidating. You narrow your eyes. You are not amused. “Now look, lady, you’re going to go in there, even if you’re kicking and screaming.”

“I sin _sea_ rly doubt that you can survive putting your hands on _me_. I do what I want.”

He facepalms and sighs exasperatedly. “What if I had proof?”

“You already used that one. Next.”

He reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a small box. “Not this time. Does this look familiar?”

Your eyes practically bulge out of your skull. “Where—?” How the fin-loving—?

“I lifted it from her bag yesterday. She wears them every day; three of them she never takes off, and one of them is fuchsia.”

For once in your life, you have nothing to say. “Let me see that.” He gives it to you. You inspect it, first opening it, carefully moving the rings out of the way to lift up the cotton cushion underneath it. There it is. The proof. You close the box and face him. “You will stop at nothing, will you?”

“Like the hands of time,” he says simply. He stands aside, bowing and gesturing his hand to the house.

You let yourself do a half-smile. So he does know how to treat a royal. You step out, towering over him again, pass through the gate, and ignore the small canine growling at you from the roof.

Betty: Meet your Jade again.

You ring the doorbell.

 “Go away, Dave!” a muffled shout comes from inside. So she hates the human, too. You force down a smirk despite yourself, and ring the doorbell more insistently. You hear the floorboards creak against angry footsteps. The door unlocks and flies open. A dark-haired girl glaring up at you shouts, “I said go away!”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, your eyes meet. The hair is certainly accurate. Her skin should be more pale. The lighting didn’t let you see the color of her eyes very well. Her face isn’t as fake as the computer-generated image you destroyed just days before, but the resemblance is striking. It’s just enough to motivate you step inside.

Jade: Try not to freak out.

“I am just… going to go,” Rose says from behind you. “I will be outside, Jade.” She rubs your shoulder and nudges the very tall (and suspiciously Troll-looking) woman.

One thing is clear: Betty Crocker is right in front of you. You’ve never seen her face, but you recognize her silhouette. You gulp, feeling a headache coming on.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” she hints.

You finally breathe, inhaling sharply. “Yes, yes!” you reply, stepping away from the door. You are suddenly extremely embarrassed that you are in pajamas. You close the door, looking out one last time to find a familiar face, but there is no one in sight. You are completely alone. With _her_. This is the moment of truth.

She sits on the sofa awkwardly, her knees up too high. Of course it would be too short for her, Rose said that her boss never made home visits and only sat on special furniture for her stature. You take your place next to her, feeling very small.

“Do you want me to put on some… tea?” you guess, shrugging slightly.

“Hot,” she answered simply. She doesn’t even look at you. You frown and draw your lips to the side. She may be high up in the social classes, but that’s not an excuse for ignoring common courtesy. It’s downright condescending!

You stand up unsteadily and walk to the kitchen. You need to make hot water, so you get out a pot and fill it from the tap. You put it on the stovetop and set the heat to high. You raid the cabinets next. There has to be a box of tea around here somewhere… aha! You eye a fancy-looking box and take out two bags. You check on the water to make sure it isn’t boiling yet and go back to the living room to sit.

“Who are you?” she asks you with an unreadable expression.

You take a deep breath. “I don’t even know anymore,” you answer honestly. “But do you want my truth or yours?”

“It doesn’t matter whose it is. I just want it. I am sick to death of lies and deception. I’m old as fuck, and I don’t need any humans trying to get close to me and get all frondly. I can’t stand their tricks anymore.”

Frondly? “I don’t want to trick you at all!” You rush your words, putting your hands up defensively.

“And I suppose you overheard my death threat, that you will be dealt with if you turn out to not be my Jade?”

You look at the ground and fiddle with your fingers. “I just want to know who I am. It’s not fun not knowing when you’re growing as the only member of your species for miles around.” She looks away at that point. You wonder if you hit a nerve. You press on. “I must have come from somewhere, and even though I keep denying that I might be a part of your family-” the vivid nightmare briefly flashes through your mind “-there’s a part of me that really wants to. The closest thing I have to a family are John and the ones I grew up with. You’d never believe me if I told you about them, though.”

“Well, whoever you are, I do have one thing to say.” She turns back to you and looks you dead in the eye. “You are very convincing. You are actually the best-looking Jade impersonator I have seen in months. However, it’s not enough. I am afraid that I must go cook up a new cake recipe. I would start writing down your final wishes now.” She stands up, her head nearly hitting the low ceiling, and walks past you, long black hair flowing behind. A few strands come into contact with your cheek, sending chills down your spine.

Then something happens: something clicks in your brain. In the blink of an eye, a flood of images come into your mind, causing a sharp pain in your temple, giving you the biggest headache you’ve ever had. Are… are these your memories? Are you the real Jade Crocker? Is the woman about to leave your presence forever your family? You gasp, a distinct memory forming in your head.

“Spoons,” you mutter.

She stops, her hand on the front door knob. “That’s the logo for my company, yes.”

“I remember…” you pause to put the pieces together. You speak slowly. “I remember John and I took all of the spoons in the house and we… We tied them in your hair. I really loved playing with your hair, and of course, John and his silly pranks! He was so bad at them…” She slowly turns back toward you and takes her seat back on the sofa. “You were so clueless at the time, and then you went outside looking like that. I remember you when you came back and raged about looking like an idiot to mom and dad. John and I waited for you to see your reaction when you came home. When we saw you yelling, we both came out from our hiding place crying like a couple of babies and hugged your legs. We were forever on spoon-shining duty because of that. John would just rinse them with water and go outside, but I would sit there and shine all of those spoons until they were done, trying to make it up to you because… you were my favorite…” Tears form in your eyes. The love that you had for your family back then. Your grandmother, this woman in front of you who hasn’t aged a day since then (again, suspiciously like a Troll), your parents, John…

You look up to see your grandmother staring at you from the couch. Her eyes are moist. She pats the cushion next to her, motioning for you to sit. You do. All you want to do right now is go cry somewhere so you can sort out these feelings and memories that keep coming like an old dam that has burst after hundreds of years of service.

She points to your hand. “May I see you hand? I won’t bite.”

“Okay,” you reply, lifting it up shakily.

“That dumb pink-skin was right,” she mutters.

You resist the urge to laugh. Was she talking about Dave? “They’re rings,” you state.

“I know.” She examines them closer. “I gave them to her the day before we separated for her birthday in a small box.” You’re about to go look for yours when she pulls out your box from absolutely nowhere and opens it. “These are yours, correct?”

“Yes, but how did you—” You cut yourself short, narrowing your eyes and glaring to the side. _Dave_. You might just kill him after all.

“It was our little secret,” she says, choking a little bit. She dumps the rings and hands them all to you, asking to hold them. She lifts up the cotton, which never really occurred to you now that you think of it, and reveals a small inscription in it. It’s in a language you never thought you’d understand, but you read it aloud anyway. It’s been so long, you hardly remember how.

You struggle to pronounce them. “To… Jade… Happy… Wriggl… ing?… Day… Love…”

“Grandma Betty,” she finishes. The result between you and the woman is unanimous.

She smiles, then you smile. Tears stream down your cheeks as she takes your cheeks in her hands, and she gently wiping away your tears. You have never seen her cry before, but the sight of her crying with joy makes you want to throw your arms around her and cry into her chest like you did when you were little.

So you do.

“My Jade, oh my Jade!” she cries, holding you close. She soothingly strokes your hair from the top of your head to your neck. “This calls for a celebration,” she says, separating from you and kissing your forehead. “With lots of cake.”

You giggle. “I’m sure John will love that,” you remark.

“We’ll just have to make him eat it all, then,” she laughs evilly.

Jade: Reunite with your loving grandmother.

-Go to Dave right about now.-

Dave: Prepare to say goodbye to Jade for a final time.

You are Dave Strider, and you do not know what fuck you are doing.

You’re leaving the _real_ Jade with the _real_ Batterwitch. _And_ you might have feelings for her.

Fuck “might.”

You _definitely_ have feelings for her.

And there she goes, off into the sunset with her “grandmother”. You’re not really sure how they’re even related. They don’t even look alike. Your bro always thought something was weird with her, besides the fact that she hasn’t _aged_ in years and years.

The saying goes, “If you love someone, then you let them go.” You swear that if you were a time traveler, you would go to whoever invented that stupid phrase, kidnap them in their sleep, take him back to the future with you, and throw him down an upward-moving-escalator.

You metaphorically kick yourself in the ass.

“What are you making those weird faces for?”

You jolt back to reality. Shit, you forgot Rose was there. The whole time. Whoops. “Uh…”

“Even through the shades, you cannot hide your expressions from me. I see nearly everything.” She smirks. “You’re not thinking of taking our Jade in your arms and making her swoon at your coolness, dipping her until her hair touched the floor and then pull her up dramatically and have her fall into your chest with both hands, and holding her close enough to kiss, but then at the last second push her away and turn her like a top and dip her again, are you?” Holy shit.

“Of course not,” you mutter, turning your face to the side. But you are now. “Is it getting hot out here?”

“No, not really. It’s quite chilly, actually.” You can hear that smirk in her voice. “The only one who’s feeling hot here is the one wearing shades in the dead of night.”

“Shut up, my shades make me cool.”

“The only one who thinks that Dave Strider is cool… is Dave Strider.”

You squint your eyes. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, you’re just jealous that your best friend didn’t win these babies at a celebrity auction.”

“This was the same auction that had the basket from the Wizard of Oz movie?”

“The very one,” you remark, turning back to her. “How did you know?”

“I have my ways. Did I not say that I see nearly all?”

You shake your head and suppress a smile. This girl is a trip worse than gravity on the sun.

The two of you come up to the house again. All you did was walk around the block. They should be done talking now, right?

“Is that your dog?” Rose asks, pointing to her home.

You remove your glasses to look. ~~Whoa, it is really dark. And having those sunglasses on all day helped you see better in the dark of the night. Maybe this is why pirates wear eye patches. Arr.~~ A dog is putting its paws on the front door, making short whines. He wants in, that’s for sure. “Bec?”

As if he heard you say his name, his ears perk up. He turns to you and runs. He jumps up and you hold out your arms instinctively. He starts to rub his face against your shirt as soon as you catch him.

“Aw man, whaaaat.” He is getting hair on your suit. You hold him at arm’s length and he barks.

You realize then that Bec loves Jade, too. There would be a possibility that wherever she was going to live wouldn’t allow dogs. A big possibility. Bec doesn’t look like he can survive without Jade. You think that if neither of you will see Jade again, at least you’ll have each other. Maybe you’ll move to Texas or something, start a new life. You sigh. He really is a cute dog, even if he’s gonna grow up to be a huge thing of fur that will dominate your life. You feel a twinge of guilt and you realize that he’s kind of grown on you over the past week.

“You’re gonna miss her, huh?” you ask. Bec whines in response. You bring your arms back and hug the dog. “I’ll take you in, dog. Don’t you worry about a thing.” You pet his head and scratch behind his ears. -Jade did that a few times and he seems to enjoy it when she does it. Then he licks your face. “Oh my fuck!”

Dave: Watch your language.

-Hey let’s go to Rose again, just for shiggles.-

Rose: Plan a party.

You cannot plan a party yet because there has not been an order to do so. However, you describe yourself as a rebel so you start planning one ahead of time in your head. Let’s see now, it will take place in the biggest and most public hall you can find, exclusive list of A-list celebrities and your new friends of course, all of the flatware and silverware will be red and…

You gasp to yourself in a dramatic manner indeed.

A masquerade.

You smile with immense glee. Naturally, this is a good decision. Everyone will be elegantly dressed in Venetian masks. You will have to conjure up all of Kanaya’s past advice for ideas. Choosing Jade’s gown and the tuxedoes for the boys for tonight was child’s play. This will take everything that you have learned. This event needs to be perfect. For Jade. You also need something to occupy your mind besides the incident with John tonight.

“Miss Lalonde!” the voice of your boss echoes throughout the neighborhood.

“Yes, madam?” you answer.

“Plan a party at once!” You see her pull Jade to her side from inside the house. “This reunion with my grandchild is cause for a shellebration!” Wow, you have never heard her use a pun in public. You cover your mouth with your hand. Your boss is humorous only sometimes.

“Then she is your Jade?” You quicken your pace to the house, leaving Dave in the dust.

She smiles genuinely, giving her a one-armed squeeze. Jade, of course, is teary-eyed and happy. “If I were you, I would have already planned one by now.” She’s trying to humiliate you in public again. How adorable. This time, you are prepared.

“For once, I have bested you in preparation for such festivities.”

This does not faze her. “Get to it then. Until then, take good care of my heiress.” She skirts around you, careful not to make contact. Her hair tickles your face as she passes. “I have to finish preparations on a space for her, the floor below my penthive. There is much left to do.” Without saying an official goodbye, she waits on the curb for a full five seconds before a taxicab pulls up, she gets in, and leaves.

You turn to Jade, who is wiping away a tear and smiling bigger than you have ever seen her. Then again, you have only known her for a few days. Nevertheless, she looks happy now and you feel accomplished that you have helped her find her family, and her family find her. Even if it did turn out to be your tyrannical boss. You also expect a full disclosure when you go to work tomorrow. Lots of planning to do. If you are fortunate, you might even get a day off for once.

Rose: Plan for a party in two days.

-Be Jack in two days.-

Jack: Wake up.

You wake up. You look at the clock on the side of the bed ~~, which remarkably still has power, due to plot holes and shoddy writing~~. It shows the ungodly hour of four in the morning. It’s still dark out. You want to go back to sleep, but there’s nothing to go back to. You have been dreamless for years and it’s beginning to take its toll since you went on this arduous quest for revenge.

You get out of the bed and shuffle to the kitchen, passing the couch where Droll still slept on the way. He is snoring like a log, as usual. You would usually rudely shake him awake to brainstorm, but you are not in the mood for his babbling at the moment. He comes up with good ideas only sometimes.

Jack: Continue taking a break from revenge.

Taking a break from your life’s work is making you antsy and stressed past the point of no fucking return. You just have to kill something.

The only thing to kill around here is Droll, but since he’s useful sometimes, you don’t feel like losing an asset. Instead, you take off through the tarp covering the hole in the penthouse ceiling. In the darkness, you see a large and dark rectangular area with a good amount of trees. Maybe there are some vagabonds you can slay. You silently drift down to a dark corner, where only a single lamp lights the area.

There is an occupied bench under the lamp. A single figure is fast asleep there, under some large sheets of tabloids. You creep up on foot, stepping behind the bench. You are about to lift up the papers covering his head when you hear footsteps quickly shuffling towards you. Alarmed, you glide over the bench back to the trees.

Wait, what?

Why are you running away? You can crush whoever’s coming like an insect under your foot. You continue hiding anyway, anticipating killing them both. The intruder goes right for your intended victim.

“What exactly are you doing here?” a pale woman asks in a worried tone, slapping his head through the weak paper. “You know how I get when you run off!”

The person on the bench groans and sits up, revealing a familiar face. The stocky man is tan and has dark hair like yourself, with the lightest color of blue eyes you have ever seen. As a matter of fact, they are exactly the same shade as your own eyes. Your eyes widen and you cover your mouth with concern.

There is no… possible way… for one of your own… to be on this tiny planet. None.

He smiles, making room for the woman to sit. He pats the space next to him and she sighs, sitting down next to him anyway.

Even more impossible, the pale woman with the short, nearly white hair and dark eyes is also one of your species. They give off the vibe of being together, and it makes you sick to your stomach. You hate this kind of romance. But you’re not an idiot. You’re not going to kill off your own kind, because both planets are dead and desolate, technically making all of you an endangered species. You won’t kill them. For now.

The decision pisses you off even more as you fly over the greenery and only see authority regulators. You only got to off one of them before the sun’s rays started to illuminate the sky and risked revealing your presence in an alien city, which in your current form would create a panic among the natives. The last thing you need is for the Bitch-In-Charge to get a whiff of your existence before you can initiate your ultimate plans.

You finally get back to the penthouse an hour later. One look at your companion and you feel the urge to throw him around a bit. Imagining it almost makes up for the fact that you couldn’t kill as much you wanted to in the time you were gone. You bend down behind the couch and grip the bottom. You then proceed to flip the couch with Droll on it into the air. Both he and the furniture land on the glass table that was pointlessly placed in front of it, sending shards of glass everywhere. Some screaming ensues and gives you a good chuckle.

“Time to get up.”

“You’d been asleep for three days, boss!” he exclaims while standing and dodging the bits of glass in bare feet.

“What’s the grift, Droll?” You cross your arms menacingly. He’s yanking your chain. You weren’t _that_ exhausted from running after a little girl for nearly a week.

“But it’s true!” He dusts himself off and rushes over to the viewport box and turns it on. A spectacled woman who seems to be obsessed with the color blue gives the date and time, reporting a special party that Crocker Corps. is tonight, invitation only, and then proceeds to show some paparazzi-created images taken of the girl in public places with her grandmother. Oh. You are way behind schedule, and it is time to act. No more breaks. Now that they’re together, you don’t have much time left.

You need to get ready for a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on Survivor: the thing with the stuff >:]


	13. Chapter 12

-Stop!-

-Coolkid time.-

You are Dave Strider and you have been summoned to the private offices of Betty Crocker a few hours before the big shindig debut thing.

Uh…

For the first time, you have no idea what to say what you’re going to say to her.

No wait, that’s a lie. You have miles of things to say to this bitch. Like how she mistreated John and Nanna Jane growing up. You are also pretty sure that she arranged her untimely assassination. At least, that’s what John hinted at what Rose confirmed. You still can’t believe John’s conspiracy theory turned out to be true. You really miss her. You think if she wasn’t so wrapped up in her work back then, she could have been better friends with your brother instead of trading babysitting-slash-playdate locations every so often. She wasn’t a bad person. She raised John well, and you certainly did have some good times at their house. She made a lot of different cakes. You think it reminded her of John’s dad. She didn’t even have pictures of him around, which is sad.

You’re standing awkwardly in front of the elevator of the top floor. Rose sits at her desk across the room, deep in work.

You aren’t really sure what happened with John the other night after he and Rose talked, though. It wasn’t a good day for anyone was it? Well, except for Jade at the end there.

You call your bro.

“ ’Sup, kid?” he answers.

“I’m not a kid, bro,” you counter.

“I know. What do you need, kid?”

You scoff, somehow amused. “No reason.”

“I raised you. I know what’s going on. Something’s up. Did you meet a girl?”

How in the fu—“Like you’ll ever know.” You pause for effect. “I’m actually in the office of the Batterbitch herself.”

“Congrats.”

“Damn straight.”

“So what are you calling me for again?”

“Just in case I die.”

“Well, I don’t know if you remember this from years ago, but…” He pauses and audibly takes a breath on the other end. That’s when you know he’s serious business. “If you survive, this, you know where to go.” You remember. You do know where to go. It’s the same place it’s always been. It was always open no matter what.

“Thanks, bro.”

“And make sure to bring that girl with you!” he adds, yelling into your ear before hanging up. You are now Deaf Strider.

You pocket your phone and cross the open space on the private floor of the CEO of Crocker Corps. Rose barely registers you approaching, busily shuffling papers and making phone calls and writing things in three different languages at the same time. Wow, that girl can multitask. She glances up and motions you to sit by the office door, which is closed. Naturally. The chairs are awkward and small, and way too shiny. You can imagine the commercial. _New! Seats so shiny, your butt can see its reflection!_ No wait, that’s shitty. _New! Conversation enders for every occasion!_ Yes. Perfect. As you sit, you just notice the gold tentacles on the door, and it’s kind of unsettling, to be honest.

“She’s ready for you now,” Rose says curtly, not looking up from her work. Is she always this stale at work? The girl you saw the other day was the real Rose. This Rose is just pitiful. You kind of feel sorry for her.

You open the door yourself and peek into a very large office. If you thought the lobby was elaborate, her office takes the cake. Its floor-to-ceiling windows brighten the place, aided by fuchsia curtains pulled back by gold ropes. The carpet looks so expensive, you don’t want to walk on it. The furniture is sharp and fitting for an upper class lady such as the CEO of a famous corporation. You spot her overgrown hair across the room, sitting in a large chair like a throne, facing the window and the city below.

She stands up and you suddenly wonder if Jade knows about this meeting. She should since it concerns you, her friend for over a week now. Why are you so nervous anyway? It’s not like you’re asking for her hand. You’re _only_ attending a meeting with the head bitch-in-charge of the Betty Crocker Corporation, which is pretty much the entire world. You ready your sword just in case, which you totally snuck into the building because security can’t hold back the one, the only, Dave Strider. Striders gonna stride, oh yes. Is it hot in here, or are you just nervous? We went over this: Striders gonna stri—

She motions for you to follow her to the desk. “Close the door,” she orders. She stands next to the massive mauve desk as you do what she says. She beckons you over with her index finger. You decide to hang back instead. Because screw that, you want to live.

“Nah, I’m good here,” you say coolly, thrusting your hands in your pockets.

She narrows her eyes and starts to speak. “Now Mr. Dave Strider, I know that you and my grandson have been taking care of my darling Jade for a while now, so to be ‘fair’ as your human cultures describe, and much to my own chagrin, I will see through to my word,” she stops herself, gritting her teeth and bringing her eyebrows together. “Your…” She grimaces, putting her fingertips on the side of her head.

“My…?” you encourage.

“Your reward.” She guides your attention to a generically-sized chest on her desk with an open hand. It’s open, revealing some of shining gold bars peeking out from the top, like they’re saying “hey dave pick me”. You completely forgot that actual gold bars were the reward.

“Oh yeah,” you reply candidly.

“Watch your attitude, human. It already feels like a waste of gold withdrawing it from my personal bank, so you might as well just take it and go shoot your shitty movies or whatever.”

“Actually, they’re called ‘indie films’. And they’re instant classics, you’ll see.”

“ _Whatever._ ”

“But yeah, here’s the thing: I’m going to have to pass. I don’t want it. Not anymore, at least.” You look at the shoes you wore with the tuxedoes from the other night (you’re pretty sure you were supposed to give them back or something). You can make the movie of your career with all that money, but something about the last few days has changed your plans and you aren’t exactly sure why. All you know is, “I’m just glad Jade found you, that’s all.”

“You’re a weird human.” She keeps saying that, too. _Human_. It’s your turn to narrow your eyes. She sighs, both relieved and exasperatedly. “But let me ask you something first.” She takes some steps closer to you. You tense, sword ready to go at any moment, just in case. “You and your brother, that night… You saved us, which I have to admit was foolish, but… may I ask why you returned in the first place?”

Is she actually _asking?_ “I’ll give you the short version: pawned goods.”

“Hmm. I see. So he _was_ aware that the factory was about to be, well, destroyed, so he thought that he could salvage something from it.” It doesn’t sound like she liked your answer. Whoops.

“Yup.”

“I would have done the same thing.” You resist the urge to face-palm. Money-grubbing fish-bitch. “What I don’t understand is, why save the CEO as well? Your blood-relative must have known that I would never think of repaying him.”

“You may be a money-loving fish-bitch supreme, but seriously, what would the rest of the unsuspecting world do without Betty Crocker? You’ve been here since forever, and I guess you always will be, but without your terrifying grip on the baking business that will most likely consume the world in a post-apocalyptic state, us humans will have no one to turn to for cake and cookies, except probably Little De—”

“I understand,” she interrupts, tilting her chin up to look down her nose at you. “Last question: Why even bring her back to me if you know I’m the money-grubbing fish-bitch supreme? We all know the bullsharkshit reason, but I want the real one.”

You swallow, trying to force Jade’s smiling face out of your head. You’ve already decided that you’re going to leave and not look back, and hopefully she won’t be in the building when you do. Just let her go, Dave, you can do this.

“Never mind. I think I know. But don’t worry about her. I already have someone picked out for her, since you leaving her forever is now an inevitable reefality, even if the suitor is of a lower caste.”

What in the hell? “I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I said,” she gets up from her desk and saunters towards you. She leans in, her glare piercing the sunglasses you’re still trying to hide behind. “Never. You. Mind.” She whips out her pitchfork and aims for your neck. “Get it?”

“Yes, ma’am.” You say, awkwardly smiling a little and putting your hands up.

“Good.” She takes the sharp pointy thing away from your neck and jams it into the carpet. Ouch. “Now go. I’m done with you.” She turns and walks back behind her desk, leaving the pitchfork standing there.

You thought she’d never ask. You bow down low and hope she gets the joke. “Yes, oh great leader of the universe,” you say sarcastically. You straighten up and almost don’t catch her smirk before you turn back to the door.

“Yes, I am.” A chill runs up your spine. Good thing you don’t have to deal with her ever again. John, on the other hand… You feel a twinge of guilt as you remember that both he and Jade have to deal with her now.

Dave: Say goodbye to your friends.

No need to tell you twice. You give Rose a quick wave as you shuffle to the elevator, hands in your pockets and your back hunched over. Shuffling papers become silent and rapid footsteps approach. You turn around just in time as you are faced with a hug around your arms. Aw, you’re going to miss her, too, you think. You pat her back with one hand. But you really think she needs to let go before she hugs you too hard and breaks your arms. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Down, Bessie.

She lets go and sighs, shuffling back to her work without a second glance. You give her another small wave and she waves back as you moonwalk right into the elevator doors. You turn and jump, suppressing a masculine scream.

“John what the fuck are you doing?” you ask as you open one of the doors. John is crouched on the ground, hiding behind the plant a peering through the leaves like the little creeper he is.

“Recon,” he answers, letting the leaves go back to their normal state.

“You know Rose can see you, right?”

He looks up at you like you just insulted his mother. “If she had seen me, she would have done something. Or looked at me at least.” He puts his face back into the leaves, staring again. Oh, you get it, this is his way of trying to apologize. Yeah, you’ve seen this debacle before. It never works.

You shrug. “Whatever. I needed to talk to you anyway, do you have a New York minute?” You need to tell him that you’re going back to Seattle. Soon. Like, tonight soon.

“Can it wait?”

“I’m thinking of going back to Seattle and just living with my bro the rest of my life like the asshole I am,” you blurt out.

That got his attention. He straightens up, slightly bumping the plant on the way up. “What? When?” he asks frantically. Good ol’ John. Such a concerned friend.

“Soon. Before the party. I can’t remember exactly when the plane takes off, though.”

“Oh.” He looks at his feet uncomfortably. You shift your weight to your left leg, jamming your hands in your pockets and wiggling your fingers around randomly. You really hate this. You need to get your priorities straight. “This has to do with Jade then, huh?” he concludes, looking back up at you.

“I plead the fifth.”

“Look, I don’t like it either, Dave! It’s not like I _knew_ she was my actual sister from the get-go! I should have made the connection, but I didn’t, so this is my fault as much as it is yours.”

“John, stop.”

“No, not this time! I’m going to come right out and say it! Straight. To. Your. _Face!_ ”

Someone clears their throat across the room. You both turn to look and see Rose making a “no” face, drawing her thumb across her neck threateningly. You both seem to understand what she is saying and skedaddle to the elevator. John and Rose wave to each other meekly at the last minute. As soon as the elevator doors close, John continues his angry rant.

“As I was saying, you need to get your priorities straight, because I don’t think I can handle another minute of your selfish antics and fake cool-guy attitude!”

You take your hands out of your pockets and make them into fists. “Did you just call me fake?” you ask, trying not to punch your best friend in the face.

“Fake, fake-y fake! And not only that, from the very first day I met the girl, I thought, ‘Wow, maybe she can help him not to be such a douchebag anymore!’ Boy, was I wrong! I couldn’t tell if she was actually helping you get better, or just feeding your ego with her obvious enamorations! Or worse, maybe your stupid fake coolness was rubbing off on her and screwing up the whole thing before it began!”

You push your sunglasses to the top of your head. You do _not_ appreciate him calling you a fake. And Jade? Enamorations? Bullshit! You’re also pretty sure that John made that word up. Besides, it wouldn’t be true anyway. “Some friend you are, calling me that! And Jade was not feeding my ego! She and I have more fights than normal, productive conversations, and I doubt that she even cares that I’m a fake douche, let alone have ‘enamorations’ or whatever the _fuck_!” Air quoted, of course. “And while we’re hanging our dirty laundry, I’ll be honest: every time I see you and her have a decent conversation, again something I almost never have with her, I get so fucking _jealous_ I just want to… flip _all_ of the fucking tables at a table convention!” Maybe that’ll clear things up.

“Jealous?! Why would you be jealous? I have my Rose!” Shit. “And that’s not even the point! The point is, you need to choose: Jade, or yourself; because obviously, you find the need to go back to Seattle to feel sorry for yourself more important than the girl that might change your life, maybe the rest of your miserable life!”

Before you have the chance to retaliate, the elevator dings and the doors open to the lobby.

“Oh, and by the way, I quit the dumb movie. I left some pre-footage at Rose’s house, if you ever feel like looking at them before you shove off.” He walks out of the elevator. “I’m staying in New York to explore other ways to avenge my mother, and maybe save Jade, which was my mother’s last words and request in case you forgot.” He storms off, shoving into people in expensive suits along the way. A few turn, but John ignores them.

You suddenly regret coming into this world. You sigh and fail to notice the elevator doors closing again, starting its trek back up the building. You put your hands back into your pockets and put your shades back down over your eyes. You’ll stay here for a few more minutes, just until these random business people who are about to step in get to their destinations. You slouch against the back of the elevator while it goes _ding!_ The doors open and you are still spacing out.

“Hey Dave, what are you doing here?” a familiar voice asks, sending you plummeting back to earth.

You look up to see a beautiful girl dressed like she’s going to a masquerade. You could hardly recognize Jade in the shining yellow dress and an elaborate matching Venetian mask magically attached to her face. This effectively makes you feel underdressed in your baseball shirt and jeans. It looks like she jumped straight out of a period film, Blues Clues style. It literally takes all you have not to take her into your arms right now and rescue her from this dreadful place. You replace that urge with picking up your jaw and swallowing uncomfortably.

“Are you coming to the party tonight?” she asks, smiling sweetly, still trying to hide her teeth. It looks as if she forgave you for that fight the other night, too. You two have hardly spoken two sentences to each other the last few days: she brushed up on party manners while you brushed up on skills and sparred with the tire swing in Rose’s teeny backyard.

“As much as I would love to dance all night like in that one musical, I can’t.”

“Aw, why not?” she asks, pouting. Damn it, why is she so cute.

“I don’t have a mask, for one. Plus, masquerades are kind of cliché. Seems like a plot to a B-rated teen flick or something.”

“Well, you can still come. Maybe your face could be your mask!” she laughs.

“Hey, you callin’ me ugly?”

“Maybe.” She laughs some more and you can’t help but smile. “Careful, coolkid, you’re blushing!”

You drop the smile and clear your throat. Shit. “Uh, hm.” Awkward. Shit. What to do, what to do, what to do?

She gets to the point. “So did you find what you came for?”

How do you tell her the truth? Just make something up, Dave! Be vague! Something! “I did what I had to do.”

She exhales shortly. “I’m glad you did, then.”

Did you say something wrong? Shit, you said something wrong. Fix it, dumbass! “My business here is done, so I guess I’ll see you later, Jade. Crocker. Jade Crocker.” Good job being awkward, asshat.

“No, you’re good. You’re cool,” she giggles. You seem to have dodged a metaphorical bullet there.

“Well, since I got everything I came for so I’m just gonna go.” You already said that. Be cool, man. Breathe. Stop freaking out over nothing. “Would you do me the honor of escorting you to the elevator?” you ask, bowing. Yes. Turning the cool up to the highest tier tonight.

“I will, good knight,” she replies, returning the bow with a curtsy.

You both straighten up and she offers her hand. You take it, slipping your other hand around her waist. Wow, this fabric is slick. If you were at a fancy party, she would have stolen the show. The elevator doors open again and you two step inside, still side-by-side. You press the lobby, then she presses the top floor.

“I’m not a knight, though,” you correct her.

“Shh!”

“Knights are heroes. I’m no hero.”

“What are you then?”

“I’m more like the douchey sidekick with monetary motivations.”

“Do you have monetary motivations?”

“Would it change your view of me if I did?”

“I’ll always think you’re a douche, so…” She looks up at you through half-lidded eyes and a smug grin.

“Ha. Maybe I _am_ rubbing off on you,” you mutter. The elevator finally dings and the doors open to the lobby. You slide out of Jade’s arm and walk backwards out of the tiny room. Please. “Goodbye, Jade.” Wait.

Her expression drops. “Wait!” She steps forward and puts her hand against the frame.

“Yeah?” You do the same, leaning in with both hands.

She hesitates, taking a breath and holding it. “See you around.”

“Goodbye Jade,” you repeat, lifting her hand off the frame. You give a small smile as the doors close between you. You ball up your hand against the cold barrier at eye level as they seal shut. Closing your eyes, you lean your forehead against your fist. I love you.

Dave: Go back to Seattle.

You give yourself another minute before you even open your eyes again, catching the reflection of the public staring at you on the sides of your sunglasses.

You swiftly do a one-eighty. “What are you looking at?” you threaten some bespectacled lady in a suit. She doesn’t respond quick enough so you keep going.

You just remembered you have to go to Rose’s house to get that footage, so you need to hurry the fuck up. You quickly pull out your phone as you walk to double-check when the flight leaves when you hold your breath at your lock screen. You completely forgot you took a picture of Jade when her name was still Jaya. It was right before you guys went shopping after the interview in the taxi. You snapped her profile while she was talking to Rose in the front seat discussing restaurant suggestions. You justified it by convincing yourself it was going to be part of “before” and “after” shots of her transformation from a jungle girl to a fine lady. Yeah, okay Dave. You forgot you had set it as your lock screen right after.

It’s when you nearly walk into a pair of glass doors like a tool when you realize you’d been staring at the lock screen for a while now. You unlock it and check the time: eight twenty-six. It’s almost four, so you need to hurry the fuck up.

-Be Jade!-

Jade: Get in the damn dress.

Why not? It’s so pretty! Yellow isn’t really your first choice, but it reminds you of an old movie so you guess it’s alright. The floor-length dress is flowing and smooth to the touch. You were told it was satin. It’s so soft, you just want to rub your face on it all day. The top skirt slits down the center revealing a pale pink skirt underneath, and the long sleeves have a long slit that allow you to move your arms freely when you want to. It shows off your shoulders, which you are actually proud of because you like the freckles there.

Your ogling is interrupted by a knock.

“Sorry for intruding, but I advise that you hurry and change,” the muffled female voice from the other side of the door urges.

“Sorry! Almost done!” You quickly disrobe and carefully slip into the fancy dress. The hardest part is making your hair behave while you attempt to pull up the zipper by yourself. Frustratingly, you always get at least one or two hairs stuck in it, no matter how much you try not to. This is why you prefer regular pullover shirts, they’re not complicated and less zippery. You give yourself one last look in the mirror as you head to the door and open it. “I’m ready to go!” you say to the person on the other side of the door.

The pale, tattooed woman with lip piercings looks you up and down. “Oh, _hell_ no.” She shoves you back inside. You nearly fall over and nearly rip the dress along the way. “I didn’t come all this way just to see a little girl _not_ show off her goods, not to mention abuse her gorgeous dress.”

“W-what?” you sputter. You look fine! You tried to imitate the style that the hair dresser from the other day had done. Apparently it wasn’t enough.

She rubs at her temples, groaning. “I can’t believe I left my post back home for this,” she mumbles. Without skipping a beat, she loudly remarks, “Your hair looks like it was cut by an underzealous hack. Probably some male who works mainly with the elderly and busy rich brats.” She takes a breath. “Did you try to imitate it by chance?”

You only understood half of that. “Uhm…” You shrug.

“Well, it looks like you did a better job than he did.” She runs her fingers through your hair like a comb. “Take it from me, you had best learn to take better care of your own hair if you want to keep it at this length. You really won’t need me if you can learn so well from others. Your grandmother doesn’t show any signs of knowing this stuff for herself, though. So, how about I teach you some tricks of the trade as I work today, what do you think?” She examines your head while she talks, which kind of makes you feel like a doll.

“Sounds good I guess,” you respond. Her green eyes really do remind you of Kanaya. If Kanaya weren’t an alien, then you would probably guess they were human sisters. In any case, it probably wouldn’t hurt to learn some stuff about being a girl from someone besides Rose, who is a minimalist when it comes to her own fashion style.

“Now normally, I’d only be called when the boss needs to be dressed up for her public roles, but right now, I am only here for you.” Finally, she smiles.

“Okay!” You are suddenly really happy for some reason. Nothing can ruin your day today.

“Let’s get started, then.”

She spins you around and quickly disrobes you like in a cartoon, throws you in a chair, and pretty much gives the exact same treatment as the guy from the salon, but with a lot more intensity. You really want to escape her too, but she has an iron grip.

“The key to getting this right is relaxing!” she says, raising her voice slightly. “If you don’t relax, you can’t succeed. And when you can’t succeed, I can’t succeed, and we’ll all be out the door without a second thought. Well, I will. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate her massive success in this patriarchal society that everyone around here so blindly accepts, but her cruelness can be downright unnecessary sometimes.”

She flips her hair off of her shoulders and you could swear you saw a glimpse of a filed-down horn. It’s not possible that she’s a Troll, is it? You remember watching Kanaya help Vriska do it all the time. She would first break it off as close to the head as possible, and then get the rest with a nail file or sand paper. It was a bit barbaric, but it had to be done. Kanaya was good at it, so there were hardly any injuries on Vriska’s scalp. Doing it herself was another matter. Sometimes she missed and scraped the skin, which left scars that wouldn’t heal for weeks, while Vriska’s would heal in less. Poor Aradia’s would just keep bleeding and not stop for days, which traumatized you both. She probably still hasn’t left the island to go to the mainland. The stylist notices you staring at her reflection in the mirror.

“What is it?” She flattens her hair where horns normally go. “It there something in my hair?”

“What’s your name?” you ask.

She tilts your head down and continues her work. She is silent for a few seconds before carefully answering. “Porrim.”

You pick your head back up and forcefully turn in your chair to face her, her arms flying up in surprise. “Hi Porrim, it’s nice to meet you! I’m Jade!” You reach your hand out for a handshake.

She blinks and then smiles, returning your handshake. “Aren’t you sweet? It’s almost like you were meant to be royalty.” She turns you back around, putting her hands on your shoulders, and leans in almost touching her chin to your shoulder. “Now hush and let me work,” she whispers menacingly.

“Okay,” you squeak. There are so many other questions you wanted to ask, like what you saw under her hair, but you hold your tongue. Besides, you think it’s kind of rude to ask a person’s species.

Jade: Take a nap.

Why? You aren’t tired at all! But you do try to relax. As soon as you get over the initial pain that comes from tugging tangles out of your locks, you kind of feel a sense of calmness in grooming. Now that you think of it, Karkat was always the one responsible for cleaning the grubs and younger Trolls. You remember when they first took you in, he yanked too hard while cleaning your hair, thinking that you were as tough as the others. Nope. Humans turned out to be a little less durable than most Trolls. You screamed bloody murder and cried a lot while he yelled back, probably freaked out because he thought you were going to die. You two fought a lot back then, but things got better when… Geez, all of this mind-wandering and hair-stroking is making you sleepy…

“All done!” You jolt awake. How long have you been out?

You look at yourself in the mirror. You hair is pulled back half up, half down, with some of your bangs out and swooped to the side. She didn’t use any makeup except to even out your skin and outline your eyes into an almond shape with black eyeliner. You think you look absolutely Asian. You turn and see that she fluffed up the ponytail portion slightly and added rhinestones. What is it with people putting shiny plastic rocks on you? You don’t hate it, but you’re starting to notice a theme.

“Your hair is just perfect for rhinestones. The twinkling is a gorgeous addition to the shade of your hair. The contrast of silver against jet-black is just beautiful, and you are very fortunate to have your features go so well together. Embrace it. Trust me, I know these things.”

“Because your hair is long and dark too, right?” you say jokingly. You just now noticed that her eyes are jade green.

“Duh.” She turns your chair and helps you up. “Now let’s get you into this dress. Rather, this dress plus a skirt and a slip.”

Jade: Be Porrim.

-Unable to comply, the character has not yet been unlocked.-

Jade: Spin around in circles in your new dress.

You are too busy spinning around in place to spin around in circles. The dress flows as you spin. Both you and Porrim laugh while you do so. You pick up a part of the skirt and show off your stocking feet, which are white.

“I nearly forgot!” she exclaims. “I have some special shoes for you.” She opens up a drawer in her desk and pulls out a simple brown shoebox. “Mrs. Crocker picked out some shoes for you, but since the dress will be too long to see your feet anyway, I will allow myself to commit this feat of fashionable political treason and let you wear them in public.”

“That sounded like a mouthful,” you comment. You wonder what’s inside that would commit “fashionable treason”. You take a breath as she opens it, and peer inside.

Inside the box are glittering red heels. You have to pick up your jaw off the ground.

“They’re so beautiful!” Why does Porrim think they’re so awful?

She scoffs. “You’re the one wearing them,” she mutters. “Just put them on for now and then you sneak into the shoes that _I_ chose for this dress. You have to go see your grandmother soon.”

And as if on cue, the phone on the wall rings and Porrim puts the box on a chair.

“Yes, Madam?” she answered. “Yes, she is ready now.” She quickly motions you to put on the red shoes. You gently lift your skirts and sit next to the chair with the box on it, and slip into the three-inch things. “She will be up in a few minutes, yes. Yes. Very good.” She hangs up. “The pair I want you to wear at the party are in my drawer, so don’t forget to come back for them later. For now, shoo! Up to the top floor with you!” She leads you to the door and gently nudges you out. “Make sure to come straight back! Oh, wait, I forgot your mask!”

She retreats and then returns with another box and tosses the tissue paper out aimlessly, making a mess. With one hand, she lifts it out of the box, a pair of long ribbons trailing behind, leaving you in awe. She puts the box down to remove your glasses, and places the ornate thing on your face. The coolness of the metallic material shocks you at first, but it feels nice. But now you can’t see. Well, you can see a little bit. You can make out Porrim’s approval face after she ties the mask on and obscures the ribbon with your hair. Too bad the rest of the world is blurry and you can’t see _shit_.

She opens the door for you and fixes your dress, smoothing it out here, shifting something there. She dreamily sighs with approval and wishes you a safe return. She’ll probably kill you if a single hair is out of place when the party starts. You know there’s an interview with a reporter before then, which is why you’re dressing up so early.

You take a nervous breath and walk to the elevator, which just happens to be ten feet away, and press the button. It opens soon after, and for some reason, Dave is in there. Your face gets hot immediately, like some silly teenaged girl. Good thing you’re wearing a mask that covers half of your face, because it would be _really_ embarrassing if he sees your face like this in the harsh, bright yellow hallway.

“Hey Dave, what are you doing here?” you ask. He looks up, genuinely surprised. “Are you coming to the party tonight?” you ask. This is so awkward. You remember that the last time you had a conversation, you fought. It’s just been awkward small talk for the past two days.

“As much as I would love to dance all night like in that one musical, I can’t.” Was that a “My Fair Lady” reference? You almost want to laugh for a split second. You choose to pout instead, yearning for at least one serious conversation before the night is over.

“Aw, why not?”

“I don’t have a mask, for one. Plus, masquerades are kind of cliché. Seems like a plot to a B-rated teen flick or something.” Wow, laaame.

“Well, you can still come. Maybe your face could be your mask!” you laugh.

“Hey, you callin’ me ugly?”

“Maybe.” You like this banter a whole lot better than straight arguing. You decide to lightly tease him some more. “Careful, coolkid, you’re blushing!”

He clears his throat. “Uh, hm.” Shit, you fucked up. Time to change the subject!

“So did you find what you came for?”

“I did what I had to do.” Wow, so specific. He didn’t come for you, that’s for sure. But if that’s the only reason, why did he even come to this floor? Probably to gloat after picking up his reward. A part of you knows that he isn’t really like that, though. You think. But this is also Dave we’re talking about. Who knows _what_ he’s thinking behind those shades? It still drives you insane.

You sigh. “I’m glad you did, then.”

“My business here is done, so I guess I’ll see you later, Jade. Crocker. Jade Crocker.” You smile a little. He’s cute only _some_ times.

“No, you’re good. You’re cool.” You giggle and step closer.

“Well, since I got everything I came for so I’m just gonna go.” He hesitates before asking, “Would you do me the honor of escorting you to the elevator?” He even bows! Oh god, why can’t you stop swooning? You’re going to crash if your heart keeps soaring like this.

“I will, good knight,” you curtsy back.

You both straighten up and you offer your hand. He takes it and pulls you in, putting his hand around your waist. You walk a few steps in tandem. You step inside when the doors open, and he presses the lobby before you can press the top floor. The elevator goes down first.

“I’m not a knight, though.” What?!

“Shh!” you shush him. Of course he is.

“Knights are heroes. I’m no hero.” He’s in such denial. Obviously, he forgot about that night on the boat that you almost died on.

“What are you then?” you ask. You’re curious to see how he sees himself. You can’t believe that he calls himself cool, but he doesn’t call himself a hero.

“I’m more like the douchey sidekick with monetary motivations,” he answers. Really?? You didn’t know that at all!! Not one bit!! Maybe he was like that at first, but what about now?

“Do you have monetary motivations?” Crap. You didn’t really want to know.

“Would it change your view of me if I did?” he asks.

You look up at him through squinted eyes and a fake grin. Probably, you think. “I’ll always think you’re a douche, so…”

“Ha. Maybe I am rubbing off on you.” What the heck is that supposed to mean? The elevator dings and the doors open. The lobby sure is busy during the afternoon. He slinks out and walks away backwards. “Goodbye, Jade.” Wait, what?! Your eyes widen. He makes it sound like he’s leaving for good. You don’t want him to go.

“Wait!” You unconsciously step forward and stop the doors from closing before you demand an explanation.

“Yeah?” he answers expectantly, leaning forward with both hands on the frame.

You inhale sharply in surprise at his sudden closeness. You forgot what you wanted to say. There was so much. So much you wanted to say. You can’t think of a single thing. You blurt out the first thing that comes to mind: “See you around.”

“Goodbye Jade,” he says, lifting your hand off the frame. He sounded dejected. You barely catch his awkward smile as the doors close between you two. You lean against the doors with both hands as the machine coldly takes you to the top floor. You lean your mask-covered forehead against them, closing your eyes, fingertips sliding against the cool, gold-plated steel. I love you.

You try not to cry on the way back up. You kneel, resting your hands on your knees. The carpet is a solid maroon, so you attempt to draw Dave’s sunglasses in it with your finger. Both lenses different sizes, but you don’t care. You move on to his hairline and jaw, the basic frame of his face, his stupid sideburn things… You go minimalist on the rest of his hair, drawing an arc and a couple simple strands coming off the back. You sigh and rest your chin on your fingers. You look over it and decide to erase the glasses and draw his eyes instead: two little semicircles with dots under them. You wish you can draw this for real. You’d probably make it a detailed black and white drawing and only paint his eyes. That brilliant and striking red… It makes you wonder if he’s actually ashamed of them. But if that were true, why does he wear so much of it? Your favorite color is green, but you think red is making its way to be a close second.

A drop falls on your hand. You lift up the mask just enough to wipe away the new tears forming in your eyes. No, you mustn’t cry! You didn’t cry over leaving your family on the island, so you can’t cry here. You pull your hand away and see makeup residue. Porrim is going to kill you! Your first instinct is to wipe it on your clothes, but that would show on the dress, so you use the carpet instead. The elevator finally dings and the door opens to your grandmother’s office. You fix your mask and step off.

Rose looks up from her desk and smiles. “Hello, Jade!” she chimes, not moving from her spot. “How was the second makeover?”

“I’m completely fine! I just talked to Dave, that’s all,” you drabble. Damn it.

“I am so sorry,” she says, getting up and meeting you halfway. She smiles apologetically and rubs your upper arm comfortingly. “He can be a little dumb sometimes.” She glances at the clock behind her and you do the same. Four on the dot. The interview is in half an hour and the party starts in three hours. You’re still pretty nervous about being around a lot of people your own species, not to mention you’re the center of attention.

“Yeah,” you sigh. You have got to stop thinking about him.

“She is ready for you, so just go in when you are ready. I will help you with the door.” She leads you to the two chairs by her desk, sitting you both down. “You do not have to do this, you know. Stay with her forever? If you do, you might never see our friends again.” Her expression is sad and worried. “I can get away with it since I am not related to her, but you are. John has told me things… dreadful things, mainly about your parents. They were very sheltered. They were never really seen in the public eye.”

You gulp. “Never?” More memories come to you. The only bits of the outside world you remember from back then is in the gardens behind the factory and on a flying boat. You remember that it flew magically, but it could have been something else. Besides, that could just mean that she was just protecting them from scrutiny so they won’t be harassed by the media.

“Well, according to my mother anyway. She worked there in the scientific experimentation division since before I was born. She writes from time to time. She is also married now. I envy her a little bit. We weren’t really all that close all that often.” She looks away. You drop your gaze to your lap and wring your hands.

On one hand, you want to live with Grandma Betty, catch up on the last ten years. On the other hand, you want your freedom. You want to see the people you love. John, your Troll family, even Dave. You really like running around and climbing trees where you aren’t supposed to.

“Don’t get me wrong, I am not telling you that you should not do this,” Rose assures. “Every day, I desperately wish that I could see my mother, the only family that I know exists. I have nearly zero vacation time, and I am not allowed to use the company computer in accordance with company policy. Typical days require all of my energy so I am drained when I arrive home. But I find that hand-written letters are my own personal therapy, which takes longer for a response and are more convenient for my lifestyle. Plus my only other friend besides you three I have is a pen pal I have never seen face-to-face, so it gets a little lonely.”

“John said you met online, though.” If she’s so drained, then how did they meet? Maybe it was fate?

Her face lights up, as if reliving a happy memory. “It was actually by complete accident!” she says quietly, placing her hands on her cheeks and closing her eyes. She opens them again and says, “Betty ordered me to go troll hate sites about her products and dispel some nasty rumors. We were in a public forum and ended up deciding to look for you collectively and in secret. He seemed to have other motivations, but I didn’t care. His passion took me by surprise and we planned everything in that one feed like we had a clue. He said that he’d find an actress and train her, but I told him it was impossible, since he didn’t know her. Then he revealed himself as your brother and I said okay, but not until he had proof, which he definitely did.”

She’s babbling now. You think it’s really cute. You giggle.

She clears her throat. “I apologize. I’m slightly… giddy today.” An awkward pause. “I think we have kept her waiting long enough, though.” She sighs, standing up. “But no matter what you choose, Jade, I believe that you will find a way to be happy no matter what.”

“Thanks, Rose,” you say, standing up yourself. “I think I will, too.” You take a deep breath and face the ominous door.

“I’ll be right here,” she says. “Oh, and let me hold your mask for you.” You carefully untie the ribbon and hand her the mask. Porrim kept your glasses, so you still can’t see very clearly. It was really hard to squint your eyes in that mask.

You take a deep breath and face the door again. You knock softly.

“Enter!” your grandmother calls from inside.

You take one last look over your shoulder back at Rose and she nods in approval. You face the door again and enter the office, Rose holding the door for you. The first thing you notice is the hugeness of it all. It literally spans two corners of the building, which is pretty wide to begin with. Most of the walls are floor-to-ceiling windows with fancy fuchsia curtains. You see a large desk close by, but it’s empty. A large easy chair and a smaller chair face away from the door near the window across the room from you. You assume she is there and try to walk gracefully toward it. You keep your eye on the window, seeing more and more of the city below as you got closer. You didn’t notice that you had walked right past both chairs and plaster yourself against the window. The lights of the city are coming on! It really is a wonderful sight! If you could see most of it, that is. Like the night sky at dusk on your island, but there are no cities near it. The city is the closest thing is seeing the stars on a rare, clear night.

“You always loved to watch the city lights when you came to my office in Seattle,” a sweet voice says behind you. You jump, completely forgetting that you came for a reason. She is dressed in a glittering purple and fuchsia swirled ball gown that is a v-neck, but not low enough to show any cleavage. A purple mesh shawl fashioned to be a scarf hangs around her neck. She lets her hair flow out with natural-looking curls. You have no idea how she stays so young-looking all the time. It screams Troll, but that’s  just not possible. Or is it…?

“I remember,” you say, approaching the chair she leans against with just her fingertips. “I used to press my face against the glass just to make your windows dirty, but you never yelled at me for it.” Her office wasn’t this big, but the windows were, you remember that much.

“You may not know this, Jade dear,” she starts. “But you were always more tolerable for me.”

“Really?” you ask, sitting down carefully. This huge dress is really inconvenient. “I thought _I_ was the one who hogged _you!_ ”

She laughs heartily. “Well, I guess it was both. John never liked me at all, I’m afraid. I don’t blame him.”

“Wasn’t he the like, master of pranks?” you ask. “Yeah, I remember! He got you with a bucket on top of the door once!” John had set up a bucket full of water on top of the door to her office while you two hid under her desk. She gave the loudest screech you had ever heard, and in your little kid brains, you thought you were going to go deaf. She heard you and John laughing and dragged you both to your parents, screaming and crying along the way; John screamed insults while you cried. You were both spanked and got no desserts for a week. If she was a Troll, you’re sure she would have done a lot worse, since buckets are so vulgar for them. It’s also a whole lot funnier in retrospect and you should have done that with Karkat. Too bad you couldn’t remember it.

She laughs again, with bittersweet undertones. You feel a little awkward, but the mood wasn’t killed. “Quite amusing, yes. I hated punishing you two, I just let my anger control me. But I don’t harbor any of those feeling towards you, so all is forgiven! I think the best part of John was on the flying boat on our sixth birthday, do you remember?”

“Yeah! We had to practically tie him to the boat because he was trying to fly!” You stand up, arms out. “ ‘I’ve have become the wind! I can flyyy!’ Then dad caught him just in time before he jumped!”

“Thank goodness!” she exclaims, wiping a tear from laughing so much. You carefully sit back down. “I really do have him and his friend to thank for finding you and uniting us again.” She pauses for a long time. She sniffs and brings a hand up to her mouth. You squint and see her eyes are a little too shiny. She’s crying.

Without hesitation, you get out of your chair and hug around her shoulders just like when you were smaller. “Shh, it’s okay, grandma, don’t cry, I’m here now.” She wraps her arms around you, pulling you close.

“I’m going to get your dress dirty, you know,” she sniffles.

“It’s okay, tears dry clear,” you reassure her. You close your eyes and hug tighter. You stay like that for a few more minutes. “I miss them, you know?”

“Your parents?” she confirms. “Me, too.”

“Even my mom?”

“Even your mother.” No hesitation there. “So where were you all these years?” She pushes you away to arm’s length. “Tell me everything.”

“You’d never believe me if I told you,” you explain.

“Try me,” she says. “I promise I won’t laugh.”

“Well… I was raised by a bunch of aliens at an alien orphanage on an island off the coast of Washington state.”

After a second of silence, your grandma’s lips purse together, trying not to laugh. Her face turns pink and she laughs out loud, clutching her gut.

“You promised!” you whine. You laugh along with her. It does sound a little silly now that you said it out loud.

“No, no, I believe you.” She sighs happily. “I’m just happy as a clam that you’re back. With me,” she adds. She glances behind her at the clock above the door. “Well, we have a few minutes before the interview, so what do you say? Will you stay?”

Whoops. You still need to think about it. “Uh…” You look out to the city, which is darker than before. “Can I have a minute to think?”

“Anything you need, but I believe I have one thing to help you decide.” She stands up and gestures for you to follow. You do. She goes to desk and places her hand on a chest the size of a basketball. “I designated this chest to contain the reward money to give to whoever returns home. I put a solid gold bar in it for every year you were gone, all from my personal bank. The one who could find you would receive them all and do with it what they pleased.”

Oh. Why is she showing you this? That box must be really heavy.

“Now, you know I love you, my darling Jade,” she says, stroking your cheek. “And I know when someone is flushed for another, so believe me when I say that when I show you what is in this box, you will know immediately which to choose: stay with me, or live in the outside world.”

“Will it really be that simple?” you ask.

“It will really be that simple,” she confirms.

She opens the box and shows you what’s inside.

You look inside.

You want to cry out, but you can't make a sound.

It’s empty.

It's like someone ripped a hole in your chest.

It all makes sense now, his last words to you.

“I did what I had to do.”

“I got everything I came for…”

“…monetary motivations…”

“Goodbye, Jade.”

You want to break down and never see anyone else ever again.

“Jade!” you hear your grandmother’s muffled voice calling you. You feel her picking you up from the ground and hugging you. You hug her back and start silently sobbing uncontrollably.

“Shh, shh, I’m here sweet Jade, don’t cry…” She rubs your back and your try not to get slobber all over both of your dresses.

You push away and ask for tissues.

She gives you a whole box and calls for Rose to bring Porrim up to her office. You don’t think there will be an interview today.

Jade: Forget the boy and get ready for a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late. It's been a long week for everyone


	14. Chapter 13

-Let’s see when Jack is doing.-

Jack: Pick out something to wear.

Or you could just steal it, considering none of the clothes in this damned penthouse is for men. Just jump a guy and take his suit. What’s the big deal?

You and Droll sit outside of a coffee shop that just happens to be across the street from Crocker Corps. Headquarters. The waitress came by three times, but you only asked for water. She threatened to call the manager if you didn’t order anything, so Droll ordered the two of you a latté and a bear claw. What is this, a childish sleepover? Lattés are girly drinks. Droll disagrees and orders a lemon cake for you instead. The waitress puts on her fake smile and leaves.

“I think you should wear a zoot suit!” Droll comments, interrupting your flashback.

“Well, if that ain’t the _stupidest_ and most _obvious_ fact I have ever hear, let me know,” you reply.

“You already used that one. If you keep saying it that way, I’m going to misinterpret it as endearing.”

You slap your forehead. “Just stop being an idiot for once in your miserable life, would ya?”

“You _do_ know that insults won’t motivate me to do anything, right?”

“I hate you.”

“I’ll take it! Be right back!” He scampers off to do who-knows-what. He darts around to dodge people along the way. Heh. He’s short so he can do that. As far as you know, he isn’t a genetic oddity, he just never drank his milk when he was a kid. Ugh. You hate milk. No one’s force-feeding you that shit even if your life depended on it.

A few hours later, Droll returns to the penthouse with a purple invitation in hand, complaining that he had to stake out nearly every mailbox in the neighborhood for it. He reads it aloud.

“You are cordially invited to blah blah blah debut of the heiress of the Crocker Corporation Jade blah blah bullshit blah the theme is Prospit and Derse Masquerade please wear the color of this invitation or you will not be admitted.”

You don’t know what pisses you off more: her flamboyance of the planets she destroyed, or her appalling self-supremacy that made her think that she still owned them both. What a bitch. The utter gall. Has she no shame? No respect? At least when you were still an agent, the assassinations were just business. Even _peasants_ know that you can’t exactly rule over a place when you’ve killed all the natives.

“Makes you sad, right?” Droll asks, breaking the silence. If you didn’t know him so well, you wouldn’t know that he’s probably stewing in anger heavily disguised as sadness.

“If you call wanting to murder the bitch out of revenge, then yeah. Sure.” You have half a mind to rip the paper to shreds then and there, however, the disclaimer prevents you from doing so. The invite is the ticket to get in, after all. You reach into your pocket and pull out the ring. “Let’s go to a party,” you snarl and smirk. You should have just waited until the women were together to begin with. Two-for-one special.

“Aye, aye, boss!” Droll salutes.

You slip on the ring and you change instantly. Droll knows what to do: he lifts his arms and you grab hold of them. With a mighty flap of your wings, you ascend through the tarp-covered roof and into the crisp night air, soaring high in the sky, and begin the hunt for an unsuspecting fake!Dersite victim.

You find the address to the main event easily, and start circling the area. You spot a couple, arm-in-arm, one male “Dersite”, and one female “Prospitian” in their masks. The male is about your size.

Perfect.

“Droll.”

“I see ‘em.”

“Go.”

“A bait-n-grab for two, comin’ right up!” You resist the urge to drop him.

“Just go.” You get closer to the ground before dropping him. He tumbles and lands in a crouch like he’s in some action flick. “The fuck was that?!”

“There was this great movie about time-traveling robots that cause the apocalypse and—”

“Nevermind.”

He silently salutes and prepares. He swipes some dirt from the walls and the ground and covers his skin, clothes, and hair with it. You wonder if he’s done this before. He then proceeds to go to the nearby dumpster and bangs his face against it. The bloody nose is a nice touch. He clumsily turns his pockets inside-out.

“Hurry up!” you order. You need a hiding place, too. There’s a fire escape a few feet away, so you perch yourself on it like a gargoyle.

“Almost done,” he whispers, rolling on the ground.

The couple approaches. Droll scrambles up and out of the alley just as they are walk by.

“Oh, thank goodness! People! Help, I’ve been mugged! Do you have some change for a payphone?” He is panting heavily and looking around warily.

The *Prospitian*, who is taller than her partner, answers. “No, we don’t. What we do have is a schedule to keep.” She eyes Droll suspiciously through her mask.

The **Dersite**, who is shorter than his partner, speaks. “Do you not recognize a fellow Dersite when you see one?” he remarks, lifting his own mask. Well, well, well, if it isn’t the homeless man you met from before. Apparently he wasn’t so homeless after all. _And_ he was invited. Well maybe _you_ should say a big “fuck you” to your own morals as well. This man clearly has.

You’ve changed your mind.

The woman also lifts her mask, peering closer at Droll. Damn. The same Prospitian. “Oh! That he is.”

“Just some change will do,” Droll continues like he has no idea what they’re talking about. You squint through the shadows. He is either very dumb, or very smart. You can’t tell anymore.

“I have some spare change, my fellow citizen!” the short man exclaims. Now that you think of it, how _did_ he get invited anyhow? Surely, the old hag would not have invited someone who is a bona fide Dersite, let alone his Prospitian companion. Then you remember: you don’t care.

“Sir!” the woman urges him. “We are already going to be late! You need to fulfill your duties.”

“It’ll only be a moment, dear.” She blushes and stands down.

“Thank you, guv’nah!” Droll replies. That’s the signal.

You swoop in, pulling the man into the alley, ripping him from the woman’s arm. She screams as you thrust a short, steel knife into his ribs. The sword would have been overkill and way too messy. You need the suit to be clean. You leave the knife in and start to strip him of his garb, while Droll holds back the woman.

“Droll!” you command. “Stop her screaming! We’ll be found out!”

He obliges, taking out his umbrella and knocking her out cold with a swift whack to the noggin. It is super effective. She falls to the ground face-first.

“Good. And now for his clothes.” You deactivate the ring and carefully undress him so that the clothes don’t get dirty. The man is now dead, and honestly, you’d be dead too if someone got you in the ribcage with a blade.

After a few minutes of hushed arguing, you are finally dressed to impress. The suit fits nicely and there’s no blood showing. Droll hands you the decorative mask.

“Dispose of the bodies and meet you there in twenty?” he asks while you tie on the mask.

“Precisely. And at the party?” You put the invitation in the inside pocket of the coat.

“I know, boss!” He bends down and drags the dead male behind a dumpster.

His reply doesn’t make you feel any more confident that he actually knows what to do. “Alright.” You pocket the ring in your new jacket, rubbing it between your fingers.

This is a good day.

-Be the old hag.-

The Old Hag: Converse with Jade.

How rude. You demand to be called by your real name.

-No.-

You roll your eyes and sea Jade peering through the curtains of the stage into the dance hall. The sounds of chattering humans, dancing feet, and live orchestral music can be heard on the other side. She appears to have calmed down from earlier and current to a more placid mood. As you approach and look over her shoulder, the terrible pretend dancing churns your vital organs. Although this observation is nothing new, you think human nobility has no class.

“My dear, why so melancholy?” you ask her.

Startled, she answers, “I’m just thinking.”

“About your fronds?”

“Fronds?” She peers up at you and cocks her head to the side curiously. Cod damn your fish puns.

“Friends,” you pronounce slowly.

“Oh!” she laughs awkwardly. She looks back out to the flailing audience in silence. Then she says, “Yeah. I hope John is okay.”

You told her that you believe that he is too wrapped up in his own distaste for you that he has no time to see her, even though it’s far from the truth. He’s tried multiple times to infiltrate tonight. This wonderful girl… There was a time when she believed everything you said without question. But she has grown up into a smart young lady indeed. It will be difficult to—

No. You must not think like that anymore. Jade has returned to you. Something tells you that if you force her to stay, shell run away. Just like all the others. You remember being furious when Jake left. He was a wild one, that boy. Jane hated him for every second he was away. You two had argued before then, but nothing compared to the fights that occurred during that stint. You let it slip that your children weren’t related. Everything changed after that. Not without some hefty threats, Jake returned to take Jane with him. You forbade it. You threatened death. He backed down and agreed to a compromise: As long as he was in the family business, you would allow him and Jane to unite. He was the adventurous one, so you had no qualms about crushing his spirit. Jade however… She loved the outside world, that much is clear. Just like her father… a guttural feeling tells you there’s no keeping her to yourself forever, either.

You want to destroy that feeling.

“I’m shore he’s fine. Perhaps I can organize a get-together next month.”

“Really?” She turns around, expression brighter than before.

You don’t know what to feel at the moment. These are not feelings a troll should have, which is nothing new. You still don’t understand them, so you lie. “Yes.”

“Thank you.” She smiles, hugging around your waist. You awkwardly pat her back.

“Let’s go and make your debut,” you encourage her.

Jade takes a deep breath. “Okay.” You turn her around and signal the man who controls the curtains. The dead-eyed human nods and talks softly into his headset. He shakes his head. He then approaches you and informs you that the mayor has still not arrived. After everything you’ve done for him, he won’t come to this simple event! He hasn’t even sent a liaison. You tell the human to continue anyway. Fuckin’ waste of gold. You will have to do something about this insubordination. The guest emcee begins his bullsharkshit speech while you and Jade prepare yourselves. The audience applauds and the curtains open.

-Switch!-

John: Enjoy the refreshments.

You can’t enjoy the refreshments when you can’t even enjoy time with your girlfriend. Rose has gone off somewhere to do god-knows-what business and left you alone. She said something about leaving the building in general. You snag a cookie and munch it angrily. You are not enjoying this delicious food. Not one bit.

She even got you to dress in a silly yellow tux with an expensive-looking purple mask. She made your masks, too. Hers is yellow, which doesn’t match her purple dress. You’re not one to judge fashion, you just think it’s weird that she did all this work to make you two a matching pair, but still has to do her job.

Your contacts are making your eyes itch. You thought you looked fine having your glasses over the mask, but Rose hid them while you were in the shower and replaced them with a pair of contact lenses. She told you doing that will make you look stupid, and besides, they wouldn’t fit over the mask anyway. You glare at the glittering curtain at the memory. Obviously, the inventors of Venetian masks did not have glasses in mind when they were invented. You feel really silly. Oh, brother. You grab another cookie.

Suddenly, a familiar celebrity voice from your childhood begins to speak. Oh god, not _him_. You listen anyway.

“Attention, ladies and gentlemen, celebrities, etc.!” The music had stopped and people quiet down. “How are we all feelin’ tonight? I hope we’re all in a real _sweet_ mood!” The crowd eats it all up. You shift your glare from the curtains previously to the emcee. Barf. Who wrote his lines, the Batterbitch? “Okay, okay, that’s enough.” He acknowledges the orchestra and the people applaud and all that jazz. You stop paying attention and start filling your pockets with these dumb cookies. “And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” The crowd starts to mumble about Jade this and heiress that. “The cake! Hang on a second, folks.” He pretends to listen into an earpiece. You roll your eyes so hard, you’re that little girl from The Exorcist. “No, sorry, that comes after the debut. Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Me!” You resist the urge to jump up on the refreshment table and make a scene. You will have to face the wrath of Rose if you damage anything, though. The audience laughs and he does the same earpiece gag. “I’m totally kidding. And now for the real guest of honor, the sole heiress to the Crocker Corporation, Jade Crocker!”

The curtains fly open and both Betty and Jade Crocker step out in their fancy dresses and masks, holding hands and waving. The applause is thunderous as they curtsy. Betty takes the mike and begins her speech.

You decide not to pay attention and stew in your own anger as you search for more places to stash the cookies than your full pockets. You tail a very short caterer wearing a simple mask to the kitchen. He disappears out the back door with all of the doggy bags he can carry. No way! You need one to take the baked goods and start a National Bank of John, Cookie Division. You feel like you’re forgetting someone important, though. Someone who died. Who was it again? You don’t even remember what you’re doing in the kitchen. You shrug and go back out, hands in pockets full of cookies. Jade gives a nervous speech when you push open the swinging door. You head straight for the snacks.

“Finally, I’d like to thank the two people responsible for helping me cross the country this past week, my brother John and his friend Dave, and although they couldn’t be here tonight, I feel that they…” Jade continues talking, but you can’t understand a word.

You remember now. You’re here to expose Betty Crocker for conspiracy to commit murder against your mother. Jade’s mother. You can’t believe you forgot! You are overcome with an insatiable anger. You shove through the crowd to make your way to the stage.

“Thank you Jade, for that heart-warming speech,” Betty intercedes. “And before we bring out the cake, I have a surprise for my dear Jade.” She meets your gaze, making you stop dead in your tracks. She must have known you were here all along. Murmurs spread among the guests. You look to Jade, who is genuinely surprised. She gestures to her and says, “A fiancé, of sorts.” Oh hell no. “He also just happens to be an heir in his own right. He’s somewhere out in the audience. He knows who he is, and he will offer to dance with her. But I also have created a predetermined lineup, so it will be up to her to guess the right one. They also know who they are.”

She lifts her mask, her expression very dark. Only previous victims have seen that face will recognize as deadly, and that is you, the only person currently alive who has seen that face and survived. You can’t help but shudder.

“So if anyone except that lineup dances with my Jade, I’ll just have to serve you up in my next cake!” She adds a giggle to the end of that, and the audience laughs along with her, albeit awkward until everyone joins in. Only you know that she is serious. She’ll be watching and hanging around Jade and her partners like a vulture waiting for an injured animal to die. Now you won’t be able to tell Jade anything about what happened to your mother, or the fact that Dave is _leaving in half an hour!_ He told you right before the party started.

You’re tempted to put on your old Karl Marx disguise and talk to her that way.

“Let the dancing commence!” she calls to the people. The orchestra picks up and starts to play orchestral versions of popular music. The lights dim slightly and some drunk couples make their way to the floor.

John: Come up with Plan B.

Yeah, good luck with that one.

John: Something public.

Yeah. Yeah! Something that everyone will hear.

John: Look at the stage.

What about it?

The microphone is still plugged in. You smirk. Perfect.

-Hokay before John goes and gets himself killed, let’s go to Jade.-

Jade: Dance with complete strangers.

Your name is Jade Crocker and you have no idea who any of these people are. You were caught completely off-guard when she announced the idea of a fiancé in the first place. You wonder if this decision is equally optional as your grandmother makes the decision to stay is. You hope so. You’re expecting about three or four suitors maximum. You don’t feel like putting on a fake smile for a boy after what happened a few hours ago.

On your way down, your grandmother tells you that all you need to do was dance with each of them for one full song. Sounds simple enough. Anything to forget a certain platinum blond.

The first guy who you dance with isn’t too bad. Until he opens his mouth. He is in a purple suit, the coat tossed over his shoulder like he just walked off a 50’s movie set. His over-detailed mask and slicked-back hair screams narcissism, but you just brush it off as confidence. But as soon as you ask what he thought about marriage, he goes on about “how I goes about breaking her tough shell” and “sometimes she means yes”. Fuck no. Next.

The next guy you think is very sweet. He never speaks at all though, not even when you ask for his name. His unruly hair sticks out from behind his full-faced mask, and from what you could see from his eye holes, his mind is elsewhere. His suit is yellow, which is a good change from all of the purple today. You think that the mask he chose is reflective of his personality. There’s something about him that tells you he probably won’t even acknowledge that you exist. Next.

The third guy is, uh… interesting. Instead of a mask, he wears goggles, and doesn’t even match his purple suit. He’s really nervous from what you could tell, and he sweats a _lot_. Not that you mind the sweat, you dealt with grubs all of your island life and there have been worse things on your hands than salinized bodily fluids. There’s something about his hair being in a ponytail that turns you off. He’s probably a great guy and everything, but you don’t think he’s meant for you. Next.

The next guy didn’t even bother  wearing yellow or purple. He chose a black suit. You ask him why out of pure, innocent curiosity. He goes on to talk about how this entire event is racist, classist, and various other “ists”. Where are the representatives of the lower castes? The snack table also has no disclaimers for those who are on strict dietary regiments. Not to mention that the required wardrobe in itself is blatant segregation and promotes the values of staying within the confines of your own colors. He’s not letting you talk at all! You can’t even hear the song that’s playing. He finally gets to the end of his sermon and the moral of his story? He wore the color of all the colors combined. Right before you part, you correct him: all colors mixed together make brown, _not black_. That shuts him up. You smirk. You, Jade Crocker, know your colors. Next.

The next one seems the sweetest of all. His suit is both yellow and purple, split in half down the middle. His mask is the same way, and there are even lenses in the eyes, one blue, one red. His babbling made you giggle and he apologized a lot, which you play off as shy. You two talk about all sorts of things from tonight’s terrible music to sports. He admits he’s bad at skateboarding, but you assure him that your sharp-shooting will make up for it. Your conversation about how much of a douchebag the guy with the slicked-back hair is interrupted by a tap on her shoulder by the next suitor. You both apologize at the same time and depart.

The next guy is very tall. His hair is red-streaked and just too much for your eyes to handle. He does have a cute smile, though. The yellow mask only covers his eyes and there are short feathers covering his forehead. He lets you talk about whatever you want, nodding and responding properly, but you can’t help but notice him staring past you into the crowd, as if he’s looking for someone else. You stop talking and look past him, hoping to see a familiar face. Wait, is that John?! Dammit, you missed him! You’ll have to question him after this. The music ends and you part ways. You really hope he’s the last one because John has some ‘splainin to do.

But just when you think it’s all over, one last man pulls you into a dance. You sigh, going along with it. You look for your grandmother for approval, but she is nowhere to be found. The older man in purple gets a little too close for comfort as he expertly swings you around the room. He’s not like the others. You’re starting to get dizzy. He spins you around as the music climaxes and turns you so that you end with your back against his chest. Slipping his free hand over your free hand, he crosses it over your middle and down to your hip. The music ends, the crowd cheering and applauding loudly. He then whispers into your ear.

“If you want to see your stupid dog alive, you will meet me in the gardens in five minutes.”

You stop breathing. You know his voice. Your vision blurs and your lips part slightly, desperately wanting to be free from his grip. “You will tell no one. Bring no one. One mistake and he dies. Nod if I am clear.” You do. “Good. Now curtsy to me.” He turns you to face him, still holding your hand, and bows. You curtsy. He lets you go and escapes into the mass of people.

You are still frozen in place on the dance floor. You resist all impulses to run away and go rescue your dog right the heck now. You don’t believe it, you can’t believe it! Bec can do anything! He must have been overpowered somehow. He’s either caged or out cold or muzzled or… No Jade, hyperventilating is not an option, you order yourself. Time to be brave!

But it’s hard to be brave when you’re shaking so badly that you hug yourself to keep from falling apart. You never thought you’d see or hear _his_ voice again. There was definitely something about it that was familiar. He was in your dream world! You never thought he’d actually exist! But something else happened, though, much earlier than that. Something that is making you have another headache to keep you from remembering it. It’s about now when you really want your set of rings. You squeeze your eyes tight, tears forming. You need to shake off this fear. You need to rescue your dog. You need to get out of here. The next thing you know, your grandmother has taken over the sound system again.

“Well, it looks like we had an extra suitor in there!” she jokes. She clears her throat slightly. “I’ll have to have security come and add him to the cake…” You stop listening. You know the schedule for the rest of the night, save the announcement of your fiancé at the end of the night. “Will all of the suitors and Jade please head backstage?” Already?! “The decision will be made right before the cake is served. Did Jade pick the right one? We’ll find out!”

Now what? It’s not like you can just choose and run, Bec will be dead by then! You have to go before your turn comes. You start to head backstage. If no bodyguards are back there, then you can leave easily. The stagehands are pretty lazy. You compose yourself as the crowd makes a path for you. You keep your head down, trying not to make it look like you were looking for an exit. Time is running out, fast.

Luckily, the dance hall isn’t too big, so it doesn’t take long to get to the backstage entrance. You push the door open slowly and peer into the darkness. No one seems to be around, so you hike up your skirts and dash to the glowing exit sign. You push the door open, bracing for any alarm system that could be triggered when you open it. There was none. You look outside and see a bodyguard pacing robotically back and forth. Not good. You try to think of something to use as a distraction. You pull the door closed quietly and look around for something to throw into the bushes you saw across the way. You got it! Your shoes! You’re a much better runner barefoot anyway, especially if it’s grass.

You rip them off and take one in each hand. Your dress now drags on the ground. “Sorry, Porrim, I have more important things to worry about!” you mutter. You hoist your dress again and push the door open with your elbow. You observe his pattern until he faces away from your position and throw the shoe as hard as you can, and as far as you can into the bushes. He takes the bait and rushes to investigate. As soon as his back is turned, you make another mad dash to the entrance of the gardens, trying not to trip over your dress in the process. So far so good.

Before long, you see an arc of flowers and enter. You’re coming, Becquerel! You try to think of a plan of escape. You’re pretty sure that the purple-dressed man whose name may or may not be “Slick” wants to kill you. You grip your garments tighter as you go deeper into the greenery. It’s getting really dark, but something tells you that you’re going the right direction. You trust your instincts and keep running, heart pounding and feet hitting nothing but cool grass.

Jade: Go into the light.

You finally spot the exit and run to it. You’re panting slightly, surprisingly still in shape after a week. After all, you have been raised on an island to hunt and run around barefoot all your life. You emerge, looking around for the one responsible for kidnapping your dog. You see a stone bridge crossing a large pond, and a sole figure standing at its entrance. You feel an unholy amount of anger surge through your body and make a beeline towards him.

Your name is Jade Vantas, and you are one pissed off human.

-Now to Jack, around five minutes ago.-

You are Jack Noir, and you can’t believe Droll fucked up. Again. You’re already in position to implement the plan and ready to strike. You have already relinquished your mask and gone back to your previous clothes, which you like a whole lot better than a stuffy suit.

“What do you _mean_ you couldn’t get the dog?!” you bellow. “I just sent her the message to come!”

“Well, here’s the thing…” he starts to say. You’re not even sure you want to hear it. “I looked everywhere for it! I looked in the kitchen, I looked backstage, I looked in the bathrooms… He just escaped every time! I even bought a cage and everything! And doggy treats.”

“How the fuck did you lose a dumb mutt? Even you aren’t that incompetent.”

“I dunno, boss. If I didn’t know any better, I think he’d be almost human!”

Great. Just… great. You facepalm with both hands and drag them down your face. “Never mind that for now. She believes we have the dog, so we’ll just bluff her until we get her for good.” You push him towards his position. “And for fuck’s sake, make barking sounds when she arrives!” He softly practices barking as he walks off. You shake your head and shove your hand into the pocket your ring is in.

You stand at the mouth of the bridge, eyeing the archway where Jade will be arriving. True to your warning, she emerges, alone, unarmed, and completely within your grasp. You make sure to stand ominously as she rapidly approaches.

“Jade Crocker!” you call out. She stops, releasing her skirts. She is scared, but determined.

“Do I know you?” she shakily asks.

You’ve prepared for this. “Yes,” you reply. You can’t help but feel so… _calm_ for once. You bring your lips up into a wicked grin indeed. “And I know you. You and your malicious grandmother.”

“Where’s my dog?!” she demands.

“What? We can’t talk for a bit before we get down to business?” You saunter towards her. She stands her ground.

“No, I want my dog!” She crosses her arms. As you get closer, you can see she is holding back tears. Well isn’t that just inspirational? “What have you done with him?” she demands.

You signal Droll to come out with the cage. He reveals himself from behind a tree and makes his barking sounds. They sound stupid, but apparently just convincing enough that her attention is drawn to it intensely. “You can have him back, little girl, if,” you pause to grab her arm roughly. She gasps as you do so, her attention back on you. “If you scream for your grandmother. She has excellent hearing for her age, let me tell you. If she weren’t so busy with the party, she’d probably  be able to hear every word we’re saying right now.”

“That’s impossible,” she argues. She struggles, but it is no use.

“Oh, it’s more possible than you think.” You yank her closer, and before she could wriggle away, you pull out your small knife, the same one you used to kill your own kind, and hold it against her neck. “If you scream loud enough, she’ll definitely hear it. She’ll come running to save her little pride and joy. And then, I’ll kill you right in front of her very eyes. And her too, just so you know.”

“But why?” she whimpers.

“You know why!” you shout in her face. “Think! Where have you heard my voice before? Seen my face? Figure it out!”

She starts to lose face, her voice shaking and tears streaming down her cheeks. “I r-remember now.”

“Yes?”

“Your voice…”

“Go on.”

“Your face…”

“Don’t stall. It’s unbecoming.”

She swallows carefully. “Jack Noir.”

“Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Now do it. Scream for her. Yell out her name! You’ll both be dead by the end of the night.”

She sniffles and takes a deep breath.

-Character change!-

-What’s John doing right now?-

John: Expose the Batterbitch.

You get to the end of the stage and are met with two beefy guys in red suits. You imagine yourself as a martial artist and kicking their asses with no trouble whatsoever. Sadly, you have no martial arts training, and you would probably get backhanded and die in one blow. You decide to smooth-talk your way up.

“Hey, guys,” you say smoothly, like a main character in a spy movie. “Fine day. Hm, yes.”

They’re not buying it. Time for plan B.

_You have no plan B!_

They both reach for their weapons, which are good old-fashioned clubs, and tap their palms menacingly. Don’t panic, John!

John: Bribe them.

With what though? You have no money on you. Their pay grade is probably more than you earn in a year making indie movies. You calmly put your hands in your pockets. Those infernal cookies are still there. Hmmmmmmmm…

“Now, if all the suitors could just line up on stage and introduce yourselves,” the celebrity emcee states. “We can get this show on the road! Okay, you sir, tell us your name and a little something about yourself!” He’s trying way too hard to be an interviewer. He needs to step off before he embarrasses himself with any more movies. Er, questions.

“Would you two fine gentlemen be interested in some…” You pull out two cookies and hold it out at arms-length in front of you. “Cookies?”

Immediately, their demeanors change. They go from mean and burly dudes to puppies in an instant.

“Let me on stage and there will be plenty more where these came from,” you smirk, waving them in front of your face.

They exchange glances and put away their weapons. They hold out their hands. You give them each a cookie and they stand aside.

“Thanks, guys!” you whisper as you pass them. You give them a thumbs-up as you race up the short staircase. However, as soon as you step one foot on the stage, something tugs at your pants. You look down.

Bec has a mouthful of your pants leg in his mouth, trying to drag you behind the curtain.

“No, Bec! I can’t take you out for a walk!” You gently try to nudge him off to no avail. Rose is going to kill you if your pants get ruined. “I have to do this first!” You don’t want to hurt him, so you drag your foot along the stage to the emcee. He whines. You roll your eyes and kneel down to him. You offer him a cookie. “Here, have a coo—” He shies away immediately and disappears in a green flash. Wait, what?

What the hell did you just witness? You furrow your brow, blinking quickly at the phenomenon.

John: Get to the mike already!

Okay, okay, fine!

-Where Bec ran off to now…?-

Bec: Track down Dave.

John isn’t going to listen. He even had the gall to offer you a cookie. Grr.

Maybe Dave will do it, like he did last time. You sniff the air. He’s close, but not too close. You can barely smell him, even now. The city has so many other scents. He isn’t at Rose’s house, that’s for sure. Bark!

You transport yourself closer and closer to his scent. Finally, you get close. There are so many people! There are other animals, too, but they’re in cages. Mrr…

Dave’s scent is getting stronger. You see him in a line of people buying tickets to get on a plane. You run to him as fast as you can. Ruff!

“Dave, Dave!” you bark. Of course, all he hears is barking. Dogs can’t talk, duh.

“Bec? The hell?” He bends down and pats your head. “What are you doing here?” Some people in uniforms start rushing around, one of them heading toward you with a cage.

“Jade’s in trouble!” You snap at his pant leg, clenching it tight in your jaws. “You’re my last hope!”

“Sorry, boy, I can’t stay. You guys don’t need me. She doesn’t need me…” He stands up. His shades cannot hide the dried tears. You can smell the saltiness from here.

“Oh, hell no!” You pounce on him and he catches you.

Before he can retaliate, you transport just outside the gardens behind the building the ceremony was taking place. You don’t like transportalizing in public, but he has left you no choice. “How in the fu—?!”

“Come on!” you growl, tugging at his pants leg. She’s not far. You know her sweet lime scent for miles.

“Alright! God! I’ll follow you! I’m not even gonna try to figure out how you did that though.” You let go and he follows, slouching and shoving his hands in his jeans. “I’m probably just hallucinating or something. Maybe I went to the party and just thought I was going to the airport, or vice versa. Or maybe I’m taking you out for a walk and you farted or something, giving a noxious gas that made me pass out and see things.”

“Oh, shut up!” you bark softly. You aren’t that powerful.

You give a final sniff to the air. She’s just on the other side of this wall of bushes. You can hear the guy who’s been following your humans yelling now. Good, you aren’t too late. Dave can’t hear them yet. Time is running out, so you dash forward, leaving Dave behind in a slew of curses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode: Run, Jade!


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to keep you waiting!

Jack: Be the stalker.

You’re an assassin, not a stalker. Well, you used to be an assassin.

She takes a deep breath. Here it comes, the moment you’ve been waiting for these past… how long has it been? You guesstimate ten earth years since you found out your former part-time boss had been the destroyer of your planet and taken off with your people’s most powerful weapons, which you didn’t plan at all, you just acted. Ten years of jail time; your life wasted, time you can’t get back, even though you _thought_ you had finished the job. You’re not making that mistake again. This time, you will not stop until you see her bleeding in the streets, and maybe beat that hyper-healing troll physiology of hers by beheading her or something. Either way, that bitch is going to die, you will have your revenge, and you can finally live in peace. But in order to do that, this little girl will have to die first.

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“I won’t scream.”

“And why the hell not?” you snarl.

“Because I have this!” She elbows you in the gut.

“Oof!” You bend over only a little bit, but it’s just enough for her to wriggle out of your grip. She takes off for the bushes. “I’ll make you, then!” you roar.

You put on your ring and call the red miles to block the entrance to the green maze. It blocks her path and she gasps. She runs to the side, but you block that path, too. She’s slow in that dress. Good.

You move closer to her, making the miles lead her back to the bridge. Instead of trying to forge a path, she is now simply trying to run away. Foolish child, you cannot escape the miles. Like a cornered rabbit, she has no choice but to run across the bridge. The miles meet her halfway across, and destroy it in front of her. She yelps, skidding to a halt and nearly tripping in her stocking feet.

You stand at the mouth of the bridge, blocking her path away from the crumbling stones.

“Any last words?” you jeer.

“I’m not afraid of you!”

“I can fix that!” You turn into your jester hat form and pull out your sword. “Say your prayers, Jade!” Swiping the blade across the bridge in front of you, you cleanly slice the pure stone. It takes a second for gravity to take over and the section jolts, causing the girl to lose her balance. You help it along by giving it a good shove off with your foot.

She screams, hanging on to the railing. Yes. Good.

“No one can save you!” you bellow. Any minute now, the old hag will come running and—

“You wanna bet?!” an annoyingly familiar male shouts from behind you. You barely have time to turn when he springs up and punches you in the face, successfully passing you.

“Fuck!” you yell, spitting out a tooth.

-Quick, be Dave!-

You are now Dave Strider, and you immediate regret leaving town so early. You flash-step to the winged guy in the funny hat, jumping up and punching him in the face, and race past him to Jade. Shit, shit, shit, mother of all that is fucking holy! What made you think that leaving her alone was a good idea?! It figures that she’d be in this type of danger so easily. You don’t think, you just run as you finally reach her, extending your hand towards hers.

“Dave!” she cries. She looks… relieved? “You came back!” She takes your hand and you hoist her up to grab her waist. She hugs you, wrapping her arms around your neck for dear life. “If we live through this—”

“Talk later!” you interrupt. You look back at the falling bridge. “Hang on!” With a grunt, you lift her legs with your other arm and flash-step in short bursts back to civilization. Wait, where did that guy go—

 _Wham!_ Suddenly, the back of a hand appears and hits you in the face, knocking off your sunglasses. You’re pretty sure you’re now bleeding from your forehead. You lose your grip on Jade and get separated. The sound of the remainder of the bridge crashing into the water below is deafening.

You look around for Jade. Thankfully, she is at the edge on her hands and knees. Her mask is gone and her dress is smudged with dirt, but she looks okay. You step forward to help her up when you are suddenly pulled back by your shirt.

“Shit!” you yell. Before you can reach for your sword and fight the guy off, he snatches you up by your collar, then your neck.

You are now face-to-face with the one who you believe has been chasing Jade down all this time.

You have never been so motherfucking scared in your life.

Dave: Strife!

It’s a good thing you brought your sword.

-Let’s see how John is doing.-

John: Stop messing around and steal the mike!

You cannot steal the mike, you already have it in your hand. Everyone’s giving you the stink eye, including the Batterbitch. She might not kill you in public, but she might when nobody is looking. Her stance is challenging, saying, “Who do you think they’re going to believe? You, a random party crasher? Or me, the host?” She smirks. You look out to the audience, annoyed and waiting for you to speak. Taking a deep breath, you go a different route.

You untie your mask slowly and remove it while looking to the audience dramatically. “My name is John Crocker, and I am Jade’s twin brother.”

-Be Jade.-

Jade: Try not to get killed.

You barely have time to stand when Dave is yanked from your grasp and held by his neck at swordpoint.

“You again,” Jack snarls.

“Me again,” Dave deadpans. “So you’re the big kahuna in this shindig. The leader. The final boss. Y’know, your henchman was barely worth my time back on that boat. I got him real good.”

“Ha! I don’t care about that dumbass.” Jack puts the blade directly on Dave’s skin.

“Dave, be careful!” you yell.

“I got this,” he says, attempting to reassure you. You don’t believe him. He gives you a thumbs up, but his eyes tell a different story: he’s rapidly trying to come up with a plan, but coming up with nothing. You have to do something!

“Time to die, human.” Jack raises his sword.

You launch yourself at Jack from behind, hitting him with your shoulder. He goes down with a grunt and lets go of Dave. While he’s down, you straddle him and start to hit whatever you come into contact with first. His mouth is already bleeding, so you punch his face as often as you can.

“Little bitch!” he shouts. Suddenly, tentacles appear out from under his arms and wrap themselves around you, picking you up off the ground exactly like your dream. You look to Dave, who’s readying to attack with a sword. He leaps at Jack, who’s already back on his feet.

Jack swipes his arm toward Dave, but he dodges it and aims for the tentacle things. He slices them with a “hah!” and you drop to the ground.

“Jade, run!” Dave yells, running to you.

“What about you? I’m not leaving you behind!” you yell back.

Jack looks angrier now. His tentacles grow back seconds later and approaches you two. Dave braces himself between you and Jack.

“Just go! I’ve got this clown,” he jabs. Always the joker in a time of strife. That idiot!

You don’t know if you can do it. Jack is a powerful monster. Deep down, you don’t think Dave will survive. There were still so many things you wanted to ask him, like why he took the money and why he came back, and if all of those times you spent alone together meant anything. You swallow and purse your lips. You turn and run, making sure Dave can hear your footsteps. You try to ignore the clanging of metal against metal that follows.

You run as fast as you can, holding up your huge dress as best as possible. You’re looking around for that other guy, Jack’s sidekick. Did he leave? He still has your dog!

A familiar bark. You perk your head up and look around to find where it came from. A small white dog bounds to you happily.

“Bec!” you cry. You bend down and collect him as he leaps into your arms and licks your face.

Then you see him. Your eyes meet. There he is, the henchman. You turn on your angry face that you learned from Karkat whenever he caught a grub chewing on his cape.

“You,” you growl.

“Me?” the short man asks, pointing to himself.

“Yes.”

He turns to run. You see your other shoe on the ground, run to it, and rear your arm back, throwing it as hard as you can at the fleeing man. You hit him square in the back of his head and he goes down. You dash over and flip him on his back, putting your foot on his Adam’s apple. “How do you kill Jack?!” you demand.

“I don’t—” he chokes, grabbing your ankle to try to ease the pressure.

“Tell me!” You press your foot harder.

“Okay, okay!” He puts his other arm up in surrender.

“Say it!” You ease up only slightly.

“The ring!” he cries. “The ring on his left hand!”

You look behind you at the battle. They’re moving so fast, all you see are sparks and flashes of steel. Sometimes they’d show up again, and if you squint, you can see some of Dave’s clothes ripped and sliced. He didn’t look wounded. Yet. Jack still looks relatively unharmed. You turn back to your prisoner and lean over, bending at your waist.

“If I ever catch you anywhere near me or anyone I care about, you won’t get away unscathed!”  He nods vehemently and you give him a final nudge with your foot and turn back to the battle. You grab your shoe again, Bec joining you at your side. “Let’s go, Bec!”

“Ruff!” he barks in response.

Jade: Help Dave.

You frantically search for some stones small enough to fit in your shoe.

“Aah!” Dave cries out. Startled, you look up. You stop breathing. Dave is now holding his left arm, his sleeve turning an even deeper red. Jack laughs maniacally.

“You fucked up, puny human!” he bellows.

“I’m just getting warmed up, whatever you are!” Dave retorts. You forget the rocks and just gather some dirt to start shoving it in the closed-toe shoe, ignoring your expensive manicure.

“You will die tonight.” Jack straightens up, poised with his now bloody-tipped sword over his shoulder.

“Over my dead body.” Dave and holds the handle of his sword with both hands like a samurai, ready for battle.

“That’s the plan!” Jack springs forth at Dave. You look away, trying to focus on your mission.

As soon as you get the shoe packed nice and tight, you run towards the battle. You forget about your dress and trip, landing with a hard thud. In a fit of rage, you scream and rip a slit nearly all the way up the front of the dress so you can at least have use of your hands while you run. You sprint to where you think Dave can see you.

You cup around your mouth and shout, “Dave, the ring on his hand! That’s the source of his power!”

“In a sec, Jade!” They slow down as he blocks a blow from Jack. You see the extent of Dave’s wounds and nearly pass out. His entire arm is now red and he is covered in tiny scratches where the clothes had ripped. Blood is dripping down his face and staining the front of his white-and-red baseball shirt. His eyes quickly flick down to Jack’s hands. “I see it!”

Jack looks down as well. He jumps backward a few feet and raises his left arm in the air, fingers curled and chanting something incoherently. You hurry to Dave’s side as Jack mumbles something to himself. Dave is about to strike again when the ground rumbles. You both stumble onto each other. When you are both stabilized again, you hear Dave struggling to catch his breath.

“I’m fine, just in case you were wondering,” he pants, turning his head to you.

You gently put your hand on his face, wiping some of the blood away. “You big liar,” you mutter.

“Come forth, Echidna!” Jack commands, interrupting your moment. The ground shakes again and opens up, separating you and Dave, and Jack. Out of the earth emerges a huge beast, half distorted human with no arms, and is pure white with hundreds of spines coming from the back of her head and along her back. From her waist down are two snake-like bodies, blue in color and thick as tree trunks. “Go!” Jack orders.

The beast opens her deep blue eyes and smiles and wide, deranged smile, and lurches one of her snake body things at you two.

“Motherf—!” Dave shoves you in one direction as he dodges the attack, and the beast’s limb comes down hard with a loud thud, making a significant dent into the ground. You lose the shoe filled with dirt in the attack.

“Dave!” you cry. Jack materializes in front of you, and you gasp.

“Dave has other concerns,” he sneers. Echidna pursues Dave as he struggles to defend himself against the powerful attacks. The monster doesn’t lose her frightening smile. Jack raises his sword and you turn to run. About five feet away lies the shoe. You lunge for it, but he grabs your foot and drags you back through the grass. He snatches you up and reaches for your neck. You bite his hand and he recoils. “Fuck!”

You land on the ground hard, scrambling on your hands and knees to the shoe and grab it just in time for him to grab you again. He doesn’t waste time and goes right for your neck. He flies up quite a few feet in the air as you writhe in his grip. You grasp at his hands for balance, trying not to lose the shoe again.

“My offer still stands, little girl,” he murmurs. “Your last words had better be a _scream_.” There it is!

You intentionally whisper incoherently.

“I can’t hear you!” he sing-songs.

“I got your ring.” You dig your new nails into his left hand and he loosens it enough for you to pull it off and slip it onto your own finger. Finally, a use for these long nails you’d been picking at all night!

Immediately, his wings dissolve and he loses altitude. “No!” he roars.

He lets you go and you hit the ground on your flat feet and cry out, falling over. You’re pretty sure you’ve twisted both of your ankles just now. You have no time to wonder why you aren’t transforming into a horrible monster while you take off to the water. You glance at Dave as he drops to his knees, Echidna also dissolving. You smile with relief as you continue to book it. You hear Jack following you and ignore the screaming pain in your ankles. You clutch the shoe to your chest, stuffing the ring in the dirt as far as it will go.

Jade: Jump into the water.

-Time for some more Rose screentime!-

Rose: Report.

You hate to be the bearer of bad news to one of the most powerful women on the planet, if not the most powerful, but you do indeed have bad news to bear. You find your boss arguing quietly with John after his little stunt. As for the audience, they were completely taken by his sudden appearance and the way he revealed himself. It is most likely all over social media websites by now.

You could swear you heard something about cookies.

You clear your throat and they stop and turn, like you caught them with their hands in the metaphorical cookie jar. “Mrs. Crocker, I hate to interrupt, but,” you start to say. You continue the rest most ominously. “Our honored guest, the mayor, has been found a block away and declared dead on the scene.” Not to mention unclothed and demasked. John widens his eyes. Betty frowns. Despite the difficulty of reporting the next bit of news, considering the next victim was your friend, you continue your tone. “His secretary was taken to the nearest general hospital.” You had stayed with her until she boarded the ambulance. She kept saying something about two men, insisting they were her people. Whatever that means.

“That’s awful!” John exclaims. He then adds sarcastically, “Should we cancel the event?” He shifts his eyes to the alien beside him. Rude, John, even if he does hate the premise of this semi-joyous occasion.

“It’s unfortunate that you mention that,” she says, crossing her arms. She is extremely agitated indeed. You assume it is because of her argument with John just now. “But it seems that we must anyway because my _grandson_ has decided to precipitously reveal his identity to the general public! And not to mention Jade is _nowhere_ to be flound! Found! I’m sure he’s keeping her somewhere!”

“Jade’s missing?!” you yell. Without being ordered to, you tap your wireless walkie-talkie in your ear. “Attention, all hands, we have a ten fifty-seven at code green, I repeat, _code green!_ ” A flurry of commotion fills your earpiece and you turn your attention back to the other two. Some of the poorly disguised bouncers assemble at the doors to await your orders. “Please excuse me, I need to organize a search party.” You bow your head and turn on your toes, since you’re wearing heels. You pause and turn your head to them. “If you two ever want to have proper, _functioning_ relationships with Jade, I would advise you to settle your differences sooner rather than later,” you add icily.

Rose: Lead the cavalry.

-Yes, yes, there is more action on the Dave/Jade front.-

Dave: Get up.

In all of your years of sparring and strifing with your bro, never have you ever had your ass handed to you on a silver platter like this. Scratch that, a gold platter. A gold platter adorned with six-carat diamond studs in the handles. A very fancy and expensive and shiny platter. You just want to pass out and sleep forever. In a daze, you squint your eyes and see Jade booking it to the water’s edge. Wasn’t the whole point _not_ to go in the water? Besides, it’s cold as fuck out he—

Jack is chasing after her.

Oh hell no.

You use your sword to stand yourself up. Jade seems to have found a dock of some sort and keeps going. Jack follows her there, too. Mother _fuck_ your arm still hurts! That beast, man. Your bro isn’t going to believe you. That beast was a bitch. She got your leg once, and you’re pretty sure it’s close to splintered. Crap, everything hurts.

_Splash!_

You look up at the sound. Jade is gone. Jack slows down and then stops at the end of the dock. He looks like he’s debating jumping in. Please don’t jump in, please don’t jump in, please don’t jump in…

Dave: I said, GET UP.

Not without searing pain, you manage to get to your feet. You may be injured, but you can still fight. Maybe.

Jack paces along the shoreline, keeping an eye on the water; watching, waiting for Jade to re-surface.

Jade shouldn’t be underwater for this long. Either she’s an Olympic swimmer or she bumped her head. Night swimming is the worst. You can’t tell which way is up or down because there’s no light down there. You really wish you could flash-step right now so you can get to the water faster.

A loud gasp and a girl with long black hair rises up from the murky waters. She swims to shore in a frenzy, where Jack is waiting for her, though. He grabs her up by her hair and pulls her out of the water the rest of the way, her cries penetrating the air.

Hell. Fucking. No.

Total blackness.

Jade: Jump into the water!

Legs pumping, heart pounding, ankles aching, you race to the rent-a-boat dock, making sure the ring doesn’t fall out of the shoe. You’re a mess: your hair is flying in the wind and your dress is ripped, grass-stained, and muddy, and your skin is dirt-clad. Even your mask is MIA. You won’t even start on your makeup. But none of that matters now.

Gravity on your side, you fly down the slight decline to the dock. Don’t look back, he’s right behind you. You don’t slow down as you get closer to the edge. The dark water doesn’t look very inviting or warm, but you don’t hesitate. You spring off of the edge, and it feels like you’re flying for half a second. You curl up midair with your precious cargo to your chest, and all at once, the icy water hits your senses hard.

One thing you don’t expect is to hit the bottom, and so quickly. The light impact made you open your eyes and let go of the shoe. You may as well have kept your eyes shut, because the water is dark. It feels like a dream, where you can’t see, hear, or breathe, but you feel like you’re floating in bliss, like flying almost. But this isn’t a dream. Your lungs scream for air. Calm down, Jade! You cup around your mouth with your hands and blow out a tiny bit of air. The bubbles stop at your nose. Up it is, then! A little trick you learned from a friend back on the island.

You break the surface, gasping for air. You need to get out, and fast. You desperately swim towards land. It certainly does feel like you’re forgetting something, and as soon as you get to a point where you could stand on the bottom, you remember what it was. He pulls your hair and drags you out. You cry out as he does.

“You little brat!” he shouts. “I may have needed the ring to kill that troll bitch, but I don’t need it to kill you!” Before you get the chance to process what he said, he throws you to the ground roughly.

You’re cold, you’re wet, and you’re exhausted. You try to prop yourself up and scoot away, looking for some type of weapon, a rock, a stick, a bazooka, anything, but there’s nothing. Man, this dress is heavy when it’s soaked! It’s not going to glitter anymore, that’s for sure. He saunters closer and you dig your hands into the mud.

“You’ll be nothing but graveyard stuffing when I’m through with you,” he says, standing over you. He kneels down and puts his hand around your neck. “I’ll let her find you. I’ll even leave evidence on purpose. And then when she comes to kill me in a rage, I’ll deal with her, too. Then maybe afterward…” He pauses to tighten his grip. You can’t breathe. Your vision is going dark. His voice echoes in your head. You feel his breath on your face. “I’ll finish off your moron brother, your boyfriend, and your little dog, too.”

Jade: Hell fucking no.

You shove the wet earth in his face, and try to get as much in his eyes as possible. He screams and you stuff the remaining dirt in his mouth. He releases you and stumbles to the water blindly. You hit the ground again and cough, precious air coming back into your lungs. Shaking your head, the spots in your eyes clear and you see Jack washing out his eyes. You take the opportunity to give him a good, hard kick in the ass into the water. His yelp is cut off by a splash and you take off back to the gardens.

Everything hurts as you run, especially since your dress is about three times heavier when wet. You see a familiar figure face-down in the grass.

“Dave!” you shriek as you rush to him. You drop to your knees at his side. Afraid to injure him further, you gently nudge his shoulders with both hands. “Dave, come on! Wake up! Dave!” You flip him over and fail to hold back tears. His eyes are closed and his jaw hangs slightly open. Your hands fly to your mouth and tears stream from your eyes. “No, Dave!” Carefully, you place two fingers on his jugular, checking for a pulse. There is one, but barely. “Dave, wake up!” The splashing stops. You don’t dare look. “Wake up, fuckass!”

“ _I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!_ ” Jack’s voice echoes through the area.

There’s no time to lose! You lift up Dave’s arm and drape it over your shoulder like you would a wounded soldier. You can hear the rushing steps behind you. Holding his waist, you hoist him up and grab his sword, hoping it’ll give you some extra support. It crunches into the ground from the weight. “D-damn it!” you stammer. The environment is starting to affect you. Water plus cold, not to mention exhaustion and the extra weight, does not equal success.

_BLAM! BLAM!_

You shriek and duck, covering your and Dave’s heads, like that’s going to help. You know the sound of gunshots anywhere. Did Jack grab hold of a gun somehow? It would have been rendered useless in the water, though. Did his cohort help him? If either one of them did, the both of you are done for.

Silence. Then, footsteps rushing away. They aren’t Jack’s. You look behind you to see Jack writhing on the ground. He’s groaning, but down nonetheless. You look in front of you to see who it was, but no one is there. Swallowing, you push yourself up carefully with your elbows and sit up cross-legged. Why is everything so hard in this ridiculously massive dress? There is still a copious amount of cloth available to cover the huge rip you made earlier.

After wringing out most of the dress, you tuck some hair behind your ear and reposition Dave so he is on his back, resting his head in your lap. His breathing is shallow, and you’re afraid he’ll stop any minute. Somewhere in all this, Jack becomes silent.

“I’m sorry Dave,” you whisper. Come on, Jade, don’t cry for him! He’s not dead! You sniffle. He’s still alive! “This is all my fault.” When was the last time that you saw his chest rise up and down? You feel yourself starting to panic. The last time you held something dying in your arms, it actually _did_ die. It wasn’t your fault that time, and you ended up using the beast for food in the end, but you remember that you didn’t leave your room on the island for days. It was your first time using a gun and you missed during target practice and hit a yearling deer instead, but it didn’t die right away so you ended up cradling it until it did. Kanaya and Nepeta found you covered in blood and sobbing a few hours later. You’re used to killing animals now, if only for food. But not this. Not this…

Dave was always protecting you. You wipe away the unwanted tears from your eyes, and sweep Dave’s blood-matted hair away from his eyes. You’ll never forget how he held you the night that you almost walked off the side of a cruise ship. You remember every second. You had hit him a few times, and he put his arms around you as you screamed for the memories of falling to go away. When you had finally calmed down enough to stand on your own two feet, he carried you back to the room. You climbed onto his back and he carried you all the way back without complaint, and tried not to hug him too tightly around his neck. He wrapped you in all the towels in the room, leaving only one for himself. You refused to stay in the bed that night, so he begrudgingly agreed to let you curl up next to him, towels and all. Of course John laughed at you the next morning, but you didn’t care because you felt safer because of it. Something changed in him that night. It seemed like he was suppressing himself, like he was—

Did his chest just rise up again? It’s in the corner of your eye, and your world is still blurry from not wearing glasses. Was it just your imagination?

The sunglasses! Dave never goes anywhere without them. You want to go look for them, but you don’t want to leave him. Those infernal things! Always, always wearing them! He didn’t used to. Well, not often. Somewhere after the train ride, he started wearing them more and more. Deep down, you thought that he only kept his eyes covered only in front of you, like he was hiding something. You shake your head. It’s not possible. You let out a small, nervous laugh, then another, then another. The laughs transition to more tears in five seconds flat. You don’t bother to wipe them away.

“Dave, you dork,” you whisper as you lean down and move the rest of his fringe from his forehead. “I love you.” You kiss his forehead gently, letting your tears fall onto his cheeks. You close your eyes and linger, cherishing these last few moment before…

“Jade?” he groans.

“Dave?!” you gasp. You sit up and scoot backwards, letting his head hit the ground.

“Ow.” He slowly props himself up by his elbows and turns to you, leaning on one of them.

“You’re alive!” You pounce on him, throwing your arms around his neck and back.

“Of course I’m alive,” he says, returning the embrace. “You’re also kind of hurting me.”

“Sorry!” You try to get out of the hug, but he is steadfast.

“Stop apologizing.” He buries his face in your hair. His staggered breathing feels… kinda nice. “All men are babies, remember?”

“I’m sorry,” you reply, smiling. He chuckles against the skin of your neck and starts to rub your back. “You need to go to the hospital.” You try to stand up, but he pulls you down again. On one hand, you don’t want this moment to end. On the other hand, he’s been wounded in several places and needs desperate medical attention.

“Five more minutes,” he mumbles. He laces his fingers through your hair, giving you goosebumps.

You rub his back and close your eyes. “Okay. But after that, we need to patch you up and go straight to the hospital, got it?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he breathes. He separates his head from your shoulder and your eyes meet. His hand travels to your face, feeling, like he’s going to forget what you look like if you go away. “I just never want to leave you ever again.”

You can feel your face get very hot indeed and drop your gaze to his wounds instead. Worst idea. “I—”

“There’s no two ways about it, Jade,” he cuts you off. His tone is demanding. “And I know, it was a bad idea, leaving you alone with her. Well, you had Rose. Have Rose. You have Rose. You _are_ friends, right?” You giggle, pressing his hand to your cheek. “Seriously though, I’m not leaving, even if I am risking my life.”

You back away and tear your dress into strips.

He flinches and you mumble an apology.

“You afraid I’ll shoot you for taking the money?” you laugh, closing the wound as best as you can, and then wrapping it. He’s going to need stitches for this. He grunts a little. “All is forgiven.” You lean away and see that he is giving you a puzzled look. “What?” You are about to tie the cloth together.

“Who told you I took the money?” he asks. You accidentally tie it too tight. “ _NNRRGFFFUCK!_ ”

Jade: Flip the fuck out.

-Be Dave, but be aware, there be an angry woman afoot.-

Dave: Confess your love for Jade.

You have reached the Dave “Coolkid” Strider voicemail, and are too busy to pick up the phone because you are never letting this cool chick go. Ever. Even if she is still damp from nasty pond water. You are also too busy memorizing her beauteous face with your fingertips. She got dimples like you have ever seen. Smile bright like the sun, eyes shining like green jewels in the moonlight. Wait, there’s already moonlight. Nice going, Strider. What wounds?

Dave: _Confess_.

“Who told you I took the money?” you ask.

Mother of fuck that bandage is really tight! Everything hurts again. You’re surprised you’re not dead by now. You feel awful, like back when your bro woke you up at different times in the early morning to train. At least Jade’s handiwork is better than the way he did it. Jade had the decency to close the wound before wrapping a bunch of pond scum-infected, cotton-based, factory-made fabric that probably wasn’t even constructed stateside. Jade’s dress is cleaner, though.

You take a deep breath and say, “I took one look at that box thing that she had and I told her ‘no I don’t want it’. I just said that I was glad you found her, that’s all.” Silence. “Jade? You okay?”

She isn’t saying anything. Did you say something wrong? Why did she think you took the money? Does she think you’re lying? Judging by the way she scrunching her eyebrows together and slightly curling her lip with the hint of tears coming through, she’s _pro-ba-bly_ upset. Now it’s like she’s staring past you. If you want to get this weight off your chest, she has to at least be listening.

“Hey, it’s no big deal, I don’t really need the money. I think John and I stopped doing our little scam a while ago.”

She shakes her head, focusing back on you. “Let’s just get you to the hospital. It’s really cold out here.” She adjusts the wrapping so it’s more comfortable.

“That’s because you jumped in a pond,” you quip. She raises her hard to smack your arm, but snickers instead. She rubs her upper arms and you can barely make out the goose bumps on her arms.

Dave: _CONFESS!_

What is this, a Monty Python sketch? You’re getting to it.

She stands up just to bend down and offer her hand to help you up. You take it, but in pulling you up, she stumbles on the back of her dress and pulls you both back down again. “Yipe!” she squeaks as you are barely able to stop yourself from landing on her. Your arms are on either side of her shoulders and screaming at you in pain. Out of the corner of your eye, you see your arm is bleeding again. “Fuck, I hate this dress!” She gasps and clamps her hand over her mouth, staring up at you with a panicked apology. Why is she so god-dang cute all the fucking time?!

“Hey Jade?” you start to say. Dark spots are flooding your vision. “I, uh…” Why can’t you keep your eyes open? “Gawdammit…” Your words slur together and you can’t keep yourself up anymore.

Dave: You should have confessed.

A last-ditch effort at consciousness is attempted as you collapse on the grass instead of on the girl of your dreams.

The last thing you hear is Jade’s muffled voice calling your name.

-And now for someone completely different.-

John: Find your sister.

Finding anything in the dark is hard! Rose gave out flashlights, but all the security guys got the good ones. You’re stuck with a keychain. Well, it might as well be a keychain because you need to keep your finger down on the button to keep it on.

You are currently behind the building. Everyone else is either searching the streets or at talking to the police. Please. The way Jade talks about her island, she’s not going to go to public spaces to be alone, if that’s what she’s doing by ditching the party. The suitor thing must have sent her over the edge. You’re so proud of her. In every movie you’ve seen with an oddball girl main character, she always goes somewhere dark and full of nature. Jade is definitely an oddball, because she’s the only one who has ever sincerely laughed at your jokes. Plus there’s that whole “growing up on an island with aliens” thing. Very odd.

Suddenly, the bushes rustle. You shine your itty bitty flashlight to the source. You creep closer, peering into the dark.

“Ruff!” Bec jumps out at your face and you totally _don’t_ scream like a girl. It’s more like a surprised high-pitched whine. Yeah, let’s go with that.

“Where did you come from, buddy?” you ask, petting the puppy. He runs around in a circle once and goes back into the bushes. You stick your head in after him. “Where are you going, you silly dog?” You see a familiar object blocked by some leaves. You push them out of the way with one hand and shine the flashlight on it. Eyes widening, you grab it, back out of the bush, hold the thing over your head, and shout, “Eureka!”

Unfortunately, there is no one around to hear your cry of victory. You whip out your phone and call Rose.

“Hey Rose, what’s the code for ‘I found a clue’?” you ask after her greeting.

“Are you sure?” she asks. “Because if this is another false alarm, I _will_ demote your flashlight again.”

 _Damn._ You inspect the item. “Uh…” There! “Does a sparkly red high heel with the Betty Crocker logo on the inside count?”

“What’s your twenty?” she demands without missing a beat. There are raised voices in the background, letting you know that she believes you.

You look up and see a wall of bushes and an entrance that led to more bushes. “I’m behind the dumpsters near the maze thing. I’m pretty sure this is a maze, anyway.”

_BLAM! BLAM!_

“Rose, what’s the code for ‘shots fired’?!” you exclaim, darting into the maze.

“John, wait for backup!”

“Not a chance! I’m going in!” You fail to resist all urges to yell “Leeroy Jenkins” as you hang up the phone, following the path with your flashlight.

-Switch!-

Rose: Keep calm and don’t kill John.

As soon as you hear those words, two things happen. One: You nearly crush your phone in frustration. He always insists on doing everything himself and he never asks for help! You are going to have to clean up his mess after you finish him off yourself. Two: Incessant eye-twitching. After you bark orders into your ear piece for the bodyguards to head to the maze. Even though he is a dumbass sometimes, you cannot bear the thought of losing him. Not him, not anyone. Not again. Water fills up your eyes and you wipe them away vigorously. There will be absolutely no crying on the job.

You make sure your Magnum is fully cocked and primed, ready to shoot. It looks like everything is in order, so you replace the weapon in your specialized garter harness through the slit in your dress. The dress wasn’t designed to have a slit that went that high, but unfortunately, the moment called for the weapon you brought just in case to be used.

Rose: Examine surroundings and find a shortcut.

This is a no-brainer. You have most of the city memorized and have not actually gone far from the initial starting point, that is, the party. Come to think of it, you are actually quite close to the gardens. John mentioned shots, but they were practically inaudible from your end of the park. The main entrance of the garden maze is right next to the building itself, so you make the executive decision to go directly to the lake, where the bushes end and the public park begins. Talk about double standard, going by yourself with no backup.

You take off into the park, through which an entrance has suddenly and conveniently made itself known and usable to you. The ear piece you are wearing is starting to sound less like a hum of voices and more like a hive of hornets, so you take it out, letting it bounce on your shoulder as you run.

An annoying dubstep ringtone forces you to slow down. You roll your eyes, plug the thing back into your ear, and answer. You continue your pace as you talk.

“Yes, Madam?” you reply shortly. You have had it up to your gills—your _ears_ with her bullshit this past week. You know everything now, and once you find Jade, you are going to find a way to catch her pink-handed and get Jade as far away as possible.

“Have you found her yet?” she asks softly. This situation should stop surprising you. She has always been the most kind to Jade. Also from what you can tell by Jade’s behavior around her since she regained her memories, they have both made each other happier than you had seen either of them, especially for the one that most certainly does _not_ have human emotions. Perhaps a different kind of happy sometimes. It nearly makes you sick to your stomach.

“I am following a lead now,” you answer honestly. If this call had come five minutes earlier, you would most likely not see the sunrise again.

A sigh of relief. What’s this? An actual feeling from the Queen herself? “Oh, thank goodness!” She went on about how the party _had_ been going swimmingly, but they would need to reconvene at a later date to announce the union of Jade and the chauffer’s son. Something public, perhaps on television. Of _course_ the whole dancing scene was a ploy, you gather. She really only had one candidate in mind, and the rest were chopped liver. Hopefully by that time, you would have enough evidence against her that Jade will not have to marry someone against her will. You focus on forging a path through the unusually dark public park instead, making appropriate verbal responses whenever necessary.

Finally, the water’s edge. You spy Jade bent over a yellow-haired figure. What is _he_ doing here? “I have located Jade,” you say promptly. “Over and out.” Before she can respond, you hang up. You stop walking entirely and immediately call emergency services, giving them the appropriate information. You remove the ear piece and sally forth once again.

As you pass by the bridge, you cannot help but notice that it has been utterly destroyed. Before you can question why or even investigate the ruins, you hear Jade screaming.


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter includes but is not limited to swearing, class oppression, images of mild pail filling, character anguish, medical ward visitation, unadulterated deception, and a general feeling that the author is desperately grasping at any and all ideas that form in their thinkpan without restraint nor consideration for their audience's wishes.  
> In short, enjoy!

John: Arrive on scene.

Wow, that took longer than you thought! You were starting to get lost, and if it weren’t for Bec appearing randomly in front of you and Jade’s unintelligible screaming, you probably never would have found your way out. Huffing and puffing, you finally arrive.

Across the way, you see Jade on her knees, bent over Dave’s body, yelling for him to wake up. What’s _he_ doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to go back to Washington? Is that blood?! Out of your perifs, you see Rose running towards them.

John: Help Rose help Jade and Dave.

You run to the couple on the ground, waving to Rose and pointing on the way. She shoots you a look and calls out to them.

“Jade!” you and Rose call simultaneously.

Jade looks up, first at you, then at Rose. Her clothes and hair are damp and she’s crying. She attempts to stand up, lifting Dave’s arm and draping it around her shoulders, only sort of succeeding. You and Rose are almost there.

“He passed out again!” she shudders. She’s freezing out here. “He needs a hospital!”

“I have already called emergency services!” Rose gets there first, taking Dave’s other arm in the same fashion. “John, carry Jade and follow me to the rendezvous point! There is no time to waste! Focus!” Her purple gown was dirtied almost entirely, and her slit is higher than it was at the beginning of the night. You turn away, face getting hot at the thought of seeing the rest of her legs, not even thinking about what’s happening downstairs of your own. “Jade, let go, I have him.”

Jade hesitates, but lets him go slowly with a worried expression. She looks like she’s going to fall, so you dash over to help. Rose is already heading back towards the maze.

“I’ve got you Jade,” you say reassuringly. “And Dave’s tough! He’s going to be fine!” He’s been worse. Probably. She looks up and meets your eyes. You give her a good old fashioned Egbertian smile.

“I know,” she whispers.

“Come on, I’ll give you a piggy-back ride!” you turn, bending on one knee reaching backward. She soundlessly positions herself on your back and you stand up suddenly, making her gasp. Her dress is heavy and she hangs on tight, but she’s not a burden. You can go about… maybe half a mile. “Rose, wait for us!”  you call, trying to catch up.

“Do you have any idea how much time we don’t have?” she snaps. You’re about to apologize when you catch up enough to see her face. It’s scrunched up to keep herself from laughing.

“That’s because you’re so slow!” you smirk.

“Well, we will see who has the last laugh.” Her attention is diverted ahead of her. You look ahead as well. There are some big guys stiffly running in your direction out of the maze. “Bring this one to the front as quickly as possible. He has multiple wounds and needs medical attention immediately. There should be an ambulance arriving shortly.” She ducks her head as they remove Dave and carry him off bridal-style. You really wish you had a camera. “Bring the heiress as well, she is in shock.” They easily lift Jade off of your back and take her away, leaving you and Rose alone. Jade looked dog-tired as she was taken away.

“What do you mean by ‘last laugh’?” You put your palms on your face, mocking a shocked expression.

“You get to take care of _him_ ,” she says, pointing behind you.

You follow her thumb to another figure lying in the grass. “Who’s that?” He looks familiar, but you don’t know.

“I have no idea, except that he is most likely the cause of all this. I briefly glimpsed his injuries and he was shot with two tranquilizer darts. I would assume that they were from the gunshots you heard earlier.” She tucks a loose lock of hair behind her ear. “Peculiar, really.”

“Why?”

“Shortly after we realized she was missing, we apprehended someone who said that he worked with one other accomplice to kidnap Jade and use her as bait to kill Mrs. Crocker.”

“Holy shit!” you exclaim, raising your eyebrows and widening your eyes.

“He also said that they were going to use Jade’s deceased body to rile her up so much that she would be an easy target, blinded by anger.”

You feel your blood start to boil. “Wow, that’s really rude.”

“That’s quite an understatement.” She scoffs. “By the tone of the interrogation, I doubt that our suspect could knock out his own partner on his own, or easily. Besides, he mentioned that he hated guns, and would much rather prefer bombs as primary arms. Obviously, he was lying. It must have been quite the betrayal if he was willing to shoot him down like that. According to the main investigator, he escaped our bondage long before the shots were fired and is still at large.”

You snort a little. “You said bondage.”

“Shut up, John!” she laughs, punching you in the arm. “Go retrieve him, I am on the clock.” She turns into the maze behind you but stops, adding, “I hope that you can talk to me even more in the future.” Your eyes meet for what feels like a thousand lifetimes before she finally departs. You take deep breaths, trying to calm your heart from tonight’s shenanigans, and retrieve the snoring asshole in the grass.

-Two days later-

John: Go visit Jade and Dave in the hospital.

You are still John Egbert, and you are still a bit confused as what happened the other day involving Jade and Dave and the mysterious, not to mention heavy, stranger that you pulled in the same night. He’s very familiar, but you can’t seem to remember exactly where you’ve seen him before.

A default ring comes from your phone. It’s probably Rose reminding you to bring something you forgot. Again. You pat yourself down, bouquet of varied flowers in hand, and then answer just in time. You haven’t seen her since you came home to watch over her house last night.

“I’m almost done, Rose,” you say as soon you put it up to your ear. “Your stuff is already in the taxi.”

“Flowers?” she asks.

“Check.” You tap the blossoms to your chest, inadvertently causing some petals to fall off. “Whoops…”

“Keys?”

“In my pocket.”

“Particle accelerator?”

“Broke it.”

“John!” You can hear her smile on the other end.

“Just kidding, it’s on my back, disguised as a proton pack!”

“Good. Anyway, that’s not the reason I called. They say Jade should wake up soon.”

“Oh, good!” You leave the house and lock the door. “And Dave?”

“Not yet, but the doctor says he’s just catching up on sleep.” You hear muffled yelling in the background. A male voice you actually recognize. “No Dave, I am not telling him about our wild night! Excuse me, John, I have an idiot to deal with, please come soon!” she sing-songs, hanging up.

You know they’re trolling you. Badly. But there’s something about Dave’s fake swag that attracts all the ladies. Walking to the taxi, you can’t help but form your mouth into a hard line. No, Dave has Jade why would he hit on your girl? Unless…

“Fuck you Dave, and fuck your mindfucks! You’re not fooling anyone! Ahahahahahaa!” Your laugh fades away.

John: Run.

Whoops, you have a taxi for that. Imagine how awkward that would be if you ran all the way to the inner-city hospital empty-handed.

-Wow, John.-

Jade: Get up.

You open your eyes, blinded by the whiteness of the room, heart monitor beeping away. This sure brings back memories back when you lost them. There is an extremely large bouquet in a vase on the windowsill, reflecting colored light into the room. You recognize some of the flowers, but others are foreign to you.

Luckily, there’s no one in the room, so you carefully turn yourself over to try to go back to sleep. Why does everything hurt so much? The IV in your arm prevents you from rolling over. You squint at it. How long have you been sleeping? Surely not long enough to keep using this thing. Before you can pull it out, the door creaks open.

“She has arisen!” Rose states. She opens the door the rest of the way and come in, the door closing by itself.

“Good morning!” you greet cheerfully. “How long was I asleep this time?”

“Two years.”

You open your mouth to yell a response, but don’t. Wait a minute. Is she messing with you? Your condition wasn’t that bad, was it?

“I’m only kidding,” she giggles. “I have to inform the essential people, including your brother and grandmother, that you have arisen.”

“Oh my god, Grandma!” you gasp, putting your hands on your cheeks. “She must be worried sick!”

Rose rolls her eyes. “She has been unbearable,” she says exasperatedly. “I believe that she has actually made my job working under her even harder. In addition to the work I have to do, she has pushed her own work on me! I might as well be doing her job myself.”

“Why don’t you?” you ask. “She has to give up the company sometime.”

“I think that was the goal when you and John were born.” She glances at the easy chair and sits in it, sighing. “From what I have gathered over the past few days, she was planning to make either you or John take over, maybe both.” She leans her head back, closing her eyes as if she hadn’t slept in days. “Once your mother and John left, your father died, and you disappeared, she focused on her work. Apparently, she wasn’t a bitch when you were in her life!” she laughs, shaking her head. “She’s not one for stories, but in the two years that I have worked under her rule, she has slipped out a story about you only twice.”

“Oh no! It’s probably something embarrassing, right?” You notice something about Rose’s speech that hasn’t been bothering you until now.

“Oh yes!” She smirks slyly. “They are so embarrassing! But in all seriousness, I think she was under emotional duress at the times. I am not sure if you have noticed this about me, but I have the tendency to see things that people aren’t aware of and act upon them. To be honest, there were so many times where I thought that you were going to do something stupid the other night, but I ignored my instincts for the sake of the event going well. I even hired extra guards! Some help they were. Now my boss has turned into some sort of recluse.”

“Is she okay, though?” you ask.

She gives you a pained look. Now you remember what she told you in the bathroom the other day at the theatre, that she had something to do with her mother’s death. Now you regret it.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize, looking away.

“It’s perfectly alright.” She sighs again, shaking her head. “She’s not sick, as far as I know, so that is good, I guess.”

After a moment of awkward silence, you have to ask. “So why do you use such big words around her?”

She looks at you like she just witnessed a child misquoting a really hard word. “That is an odd turn of subjects,” she says.

“I’m curious!”

“I used to use street-talk all the time,” she reminisces. “When met her, I kind of… told her off in a surge of flustered emotions and harsh language. She told me, ‘I like you, you will work for me!’ Then she grabbed my t-shirt collar and pulled me close.” She stands to pantomime her story. “She whispered, ‘But if you don’t want me to _cull_ you, you will clean up your language and refrain from your silly human ways.’ I interpreted this to go complete proper, but she meant it to not use slang. I believe that it… stuck.” She laughs sarcastically at that last comment.

“I’ve seen you not using it when we’re around, and you’re especially friendly with John,” you point out. You raise your eyebrow suggestively and she turns red.

“Let’s go for a walk!” she suggests instead. “Dave is on this floor! As a matter of fact, he’s next door!” Now it’s your turn to turn red.

“Okay,” you say sheepishly. You sit up, sore from sleeping for days at a time. Rose removes the thin blanket. You try not to remember how he looked that night, beaten, bloodied. It was something out of a nightmare.

“I have been told that his body is trying to catch up on sleep.”

Rose sticks out her hand and helps you up slowly. Oh, that didn’t sound too terrible. Then you use your own weight and your ankles are suddenly overwhelmed with a dull, pounding pain. You can’t help but grimace. You look down and see your feet wrapped up from your arches to your knees. “Ow,” you groan.

“You okay to walk?” she asks.

“I’ve been through worse.” You can safely say that you have, because Vriska got very violent when she played with the little ones. She took things way too seriously, and had to be literally peeled off of your legs because you wouldn’t let her play the human game called “golf” with the native wildlife. Namely, squirrels. You don’t like to talk about that day. You get angry just thinking about it.

Rose rolls the IV stand to you, and you use it as a walking stick. This isn’t so bad. You nod to her. She holds the door open for you and you hobble by. Scratch that, this sucks. You want to be able to run again.

“Which way?” you ask impatiently.

“Patience, Jade,” she soothes. “To the right.” She winks and takes out her phone. “My employer has to be first. I’ll meet you when I get John on the line.” She leads you to the door and opens it, peeking inside. “Okay, he’s still sleeping.” She turns back to you, a hint of a smile hanging suspiciously on her lips. “You can go in.” She holds the door open.

You take a deep breath and enter the cold, darkened room. Your eyes adjust and you see Dave’s sleeping form on the bed. He breathes slowly, heart monitor softly beeping on his left. All of his injuries are properly wrapped, and you can see the stitches through the gauze on the arm you attempted to wrap that night. His entire other arm is covered in small bandages, and you’re pretty sure that his gown and sheets are covering up more that you don’t want to imagine.

You try push away all of the thoughts of this entire situation being your fault out of your mind. Swallowing, you reach out to touch his arm. You curl your fingers and pull your hand back. You look behind you to make sure the blinds on the indoor windows are closed.

Getting as close as you can to his bed, you let go of the IV stand and climb up next to him, careful not to disturb the wires that are keeping him alive. You gently curl up next to him, like that cold night on the train so long ago. You can’t stop the tears from welling up now. You rest your hand on his shoulder. His closed eyes dart back and forth. He must be dreaming.

“I’m so sorry, Dave,” you whisper. “I should have known not to do something so stupid.” You realized too late that Bec was in no real danger, and was probably all an elaborate ruse you still don’t fully understand. “This is all my fault.” You sit up, leaning on your elbow, gingerly holding his cheek, letting your hair fall over your face. “You should have told me that you didn’t take the money sooner, I wouldn’t have hated you so much. You had an opportunity, you know,” you laugh. “You know it’s funny because I was actually starting to miss you. And then when you came to save me, I…” You pause, wiping away more tears. “You…”

Closing your eyes, you lean in close to just kiss his cheek, but something pulls you in, causing you to miss and kiss his lips instead.

Eyes wide, you see that Dave’s eyes have stopped moving. You finally feel a hand on the back of your head and realize that it belongs to none other than the man beneath you. You’re struggling to balance on your right elbow, trying not to fall on him.

“Dave, you’re awake!” you breathe as you pull away, his hand lazily sliding back to its original position at his side. He opens his dazzling red eyes halfway. You’re swooning, Jade! “I thought you were going to die!” You steady yourself with your left hand on the bed between you two.

“Who said I _could_ die?” he replies. You smile widely, unconsciously showing your buck teeth and choking back a sob. “And who said you could stop?” He raises his hand to the back of your neck, drawing you to him again. You tilt your head to the side, closing your eyes and kissing him back. You really, _really_ like it. Your left hand is on his cheek and his fingers are laced through your hair. You both open your mouths and fumble over each other, quite unsure what to do with your tasting apparatuses. This is getting very sloppy indeed.

You force yourself away, both of you gasping for air. You just notice the heart monitor slowing down. When did your face get so hot?

“You’re beautiful, Jade. I love you,” he hums.

Some tears escape from your eyes and fall on his face. “I love you, too!” you cry a little too loudly. You go in for another, flushing your body against his softly so that you don’t hurt him. His arm wraps behind you, holding you. His heart monitor is hardly keeping up. Someone’s probably going to come in soon to check on that.

Jade: Don’t look behind you.

-Rewind to Dave this morning.-

You wake up in the morning, groggy as shit. You’re not really sure how long you’ve been asleep. You could be an old man by now, your entire family dead, and no money to pay the bills. Unless this is one of those futuristic utopian sci-fi shows where they’ve abolished money and trade favors or someshit. You look at your hands. No old man wrinkles. Sweet. Now what?

Looking around, you realize that you are in a hospital. You guess Jade got you to one successfully. Seriously, how did you not die after all that? You fought a lunatic _and_ a fucking monster! You’re having trouble believing your own memories. All you can say is that you are actually thankful for every merciless day and sleepless night that your bro has trained you, keeping you on your toes and doing the flash-step thing. He’s always said you had a natural ability, since you were barely out of diapers, but you find it extremely difficult coming from a thirty-something-year-old man who wears dumb anime shades.

You sigh, closing your eyes. You wonder how Jade is holding up. They might have just admitted her in the hospital as well, for bruises or something. She sure is a fighter, you think to yourself. And really badass. You smile. Maybe that’s one of the things you love about her. She can protect herself and doesn’t take your bullshit. _If you had any._

Man, you could really go for some apple juice right now. Isn’t there some sort of button you press to get a nurse? Maybe some room service? A butler? Right by your hand, there is a button that looks like a human holding a needle. That one must be it. You press it once. Then twice. Then three times. Then four. The door opens and you keep pressing it.

“Please refrain from abusing that button there, it is not fair to the other patients when you push it too often, and it might give off a general feeling throughout the floor that you are more needy than most, which is almost completely untrue,” the clean-cut male nurse remarks without taking a breath. He’s holding a syringe and a binder. He must be the guy in charge of you for this shift. You eye the needle warily.

“I will do as I please,” you reply, holding the button down. An annoying buzz is heard in the distance, and it stops when you take your finger off the button. “Besides, aren’t you a little too clean for this job?”

“If it makes any difference to you, I am under observation from my employer, who is in charge of the male population on this floor until my time is over. It would serve you well to not assume one’s character with just a glance. Just because one may dress a certain way, it does not mean that they are that way. I try to not judge one’s personality by their looks alone, so I warn them ahead of time if they might be offended by what I have to say on any matter whatsover.”

What. The hell. Is this guy for real? “I was right, though, wasn’t I? Also to be clear, I think you look like an intern. I’ve had better pillow talk than this conversation.”

He narrows his eyes. “Upon further investigation, I have decided that you are what your people describe as a ‘douche bag’.” He even uses air quotes. Kind of. He still has the stuff in his hands.

“So let me get this straight, _I_ offend _you_?” What is even happening right now?

“In so many words, yes. Your very existence offends me to the point of, and please pardon my religious slur, your entire god-forsaken existence does in fact rub me the wrong way, and I have met many of such who has done so.”

You have never found it so difficult to keep your poker face in your entire life. “Are you for real even?”

“Of course I am real! You can see me with your own eyes, can’t you?”

“I don’t know, man, I think I’m blind.” You flail your arms, pretending to feel around for things aimlessly. “Can’t see shit.”

He approaches your bed. “Now you are just an insult to actual visually impaired individuals. You will cease this behavior or I shall have no choice but to force you out of this room and into one with no luxuries, a window for instance.”

“Ooh, I’m so scared,” you mock, putting your hands up. Ow. The life-tubes pull on your skin.

He leans over you. “You really need to check your privileges. Not everyone has windows so they can be connected to the outside world. Some might never see the light of day again after they enter this place. You, however, are healing very quickly and will be out by the end of tomorrow.”

“Yeah, the thing is, I don’t really care about your privileges.”

The guy looks like he’s about to blow a gasket. He is completely red in the face and willing to stick that needle in a place you don’t really need it to go. Luckily, someone else enters the room and clears the tension.

“Oh, excellent, you are awake!” Rose chimes. She notices the orderly hovering. “Oh, you are here as well. You may leave, I have this situation covered.”

The guy scoffs. “Before me move on from the subject, I would like to point out that—”

“I have it covered,” she enunciates slowly. She paces over to him, grabs his arm like she knows him, and practically drags him out of the room. He does not go quietly, and continues to make his half-baked speeches about things you really don’t care about. Rose takes the binder from him, sifting through it. “So how do you feel?” she finally asks, approaching your bed.

“Everything hurts, what do you think? I had a fucking final boss battle last night.”

“Two nights ago,” she corrects.

“Shit.”

“You heal surprisingly fast for your age.”

“I didn’t even know I was that old.”

“You are twenty years old. It is hardly old. I am that age. Still, you heal very fast.”

“Yeah, yeah. When can I make myself scarce and never bother anyone again?” You look at the window, which is brightening with the rising sun. You promised Jade that you wouldn’t leave her again, but now that you’re all back in civilization…

“If everything goes according to plan, I would hope never.”

You shoot her a confused look. “What plan?”

“That is classified information at this stage in the game.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Another plan? How do you come up with them so fast?”

“This one has been in the works for a long time, I have realized.”

“Wow. Enlightening.”

“It is strictly need-to-know to prevent innocent victims from being pulled into my shenanigans if I am discovered by the wrong party. Namely, you, John, and especially Jade. I have already said too much.” She dramatically puts the back of her hand to her forehead.

“My lips are sealed.”

“Speaking of plans, I do have one that is ready to initiate as soon as you were willing and able.” She waggles her eyebrows.

“This doesn’t have anything to do with that shipping problem you and John seem to share, does it?”

She just smiles. Fuck.

“Am I that obvious?” you groan.

She nods, still smiling. Fuck. Again.

“Lay it on me, then.”

Dave: Disagree with everything.

You try, but it sounds like it’s actually going to work.

-And now to the blonde girl-

Rose: Prep the boys.

First things first, you need to tell John to run some errands. You meet him outside of Dave’s room.

“I need a change of clothes from home, first of all, since I have been in these clothes since after our friends were admitted,” you dictate. “I need you to pick up some flowers for Jade as well. I will convince Dave to give them to her after the deed is done. Also, you must not forget to… What?” John is staring at you, amused.

“You’re sexy when you’re in charge,” he says.

You avoid his gaze, turning your attention to a couple of giggling young nurses outside of Dave’s room. You try to shoot them a glare, but you don’t feel very convincing with your sudden feverish demeanor. You haven’t slept in days and you believe that your defenses are have weakened slightly. You manage to mutter, “Thank you,” under your breath.

“You’re welcome,” he whispers, taking your hands in his.

Inhaling sharply, you meet his eyes and continue your list. “You must not, I repeat _must not_ ,” you emphasize. “You must not forget this.” Standing on your toes and using his grip for leverage, you give him a peck on the cheek. “Now, shoo.”

He gives you a big goofy and excited grin and backs away, bumping into a food cart on the way. He apologizes to the orderly, who giggles silently in response. He skips off, getting reprimanded on the way out by another nurse. It’s not until he’s been gone for three minutes before you realize you’ve been standing there for a while.

Right.

You must now wait until John returns with your things. Really, you should have asked John to retrieve them yesterday, because the doctor said that Jade is bound to wake up very soon. He will not be back for at least an hour or more.

You look at your watch and decide it is a good idea to eat lunch. Your stomach growls in anticipation. When was the last time you even ate?

Rose: Run.

There is no reason to run to the cafeteria. It isn’t going anywhere. Your way out is interrupted by a very tall individual, one who should have been here days ago and is just now showing her grayish face.

“What are you doing here?” she asks. You turn to look. She is carrying a large bouquet of exotic flowers, which are most likely damaging her pristine suit. “There is still work to be done at the company.”

“I am on leave,” you state. You are hungry, and that is making you utterly cranky.

“You don’t have that privilege. There is no one to replace you.”

“I will finish the work later. Now if you will excuse me,” you say, pushing past her, careful not to disturb the flowers. “I am famished and need nourishment. You know, to _live_.”

She sneers as you pass by. She mutters, “Insolent little human.”

You stop dead in your tracks. You feel like shouting, “Well excuse me for both doing and sacrificing both my job and my life for my friend, who just happens to be the heir to _your_ company! You should have been here with us, instead of being at your job, or wherever the hell you were! At least tell your investors to fuck off, your grandbaby’s in the hospital! _You_ are the insolent one!” But if you would have done that, all of your plans to dethrone her and save Jade from a lifetime of solitude will be for naught. Clenching your fists, you continue on your trek to the overpriced food area, trying to control the whirlwind of thoughts in your mind. That woman is going down, mark your words.

Rose: Buy some food and go hide in Dave’s room.

You manage to sneak by the nurse’s station with the food in tow and sneak to Dave’s room. It’s a good thing that your boss does not know about Dave taking up residence directly next door to her beloved heiress, or Dave would have been a corpse instead of a ten-year-old reaching for your food.

“I’m starving,” he says. “Hospital food is shit unless it’s commercial, which I only really eat when I have nothing else. Except hospital food. Because fuck hospital food.”

“You did not say ‘please’,” you say dangling the paper bag in the air.

“Please.”

“Please what?”

“Please what.”

“I am supposed to be the snarky one here.”

“I’m supposed to be the snarky one here.”

“That isn’t snark, that is called being a tool.” You turn to the easy chair a few feet away. “More for me then!”

“Oh, come on! Gimme something!”

You pause, thinking. “Hm. No.” You unwrap the sandwich and smell it. “Smells delicious.”

He drops his arms dramatically to his sides. “Oh my god. Okay fine! May I pl _ease_ have some food?”

“Alright.” You toss a bag of Doritos and he snatches it out of the air immediately.

“Yes.” He drags out the “s”.

You roll your eyes, taking a bite from your own sandwich. You finish it up rather quickly, just in time to catch Dave reaching towards you again, begging for more. Shaking your head and sighing, you toss the rest of the food on his lap and peer through the blinds, checking for signs of the Batterbitch. She’s leaving Jade’s room, flowers gone. She was in there longer than you expected. Fortunately, she’s leaving now, so you won’t have to deal with Dave’s shenanigans. You check your watch. It is nearly noon.

“I will ask the doctor when he thinks Jade will wake up again,” you start to say. Dave keeps stuffing his face. “And if she is to wake up today, then I will wait for her. But first I have to call John, make sure he got to my home safely.”

“Joh-ohn and Ro-ose, sitting in a tree,” Dave sings.

“Very mature.” You search for his number on your phone and call him.

“I’m almost done, Rose,” he says as soon as he answers. “Your stuff is already in the taxi.” Oh, good. He even hailed a taxi.

“Flowers?” you ask.

“Check,” he answers proudly. “Whoops…” he mutters. You ignore it.

“Keys?”

“In my pocket.”

“Particle accelerator?”

“Broke it.”

“John!” You smile, trying not to sound too amused.

“Just kidding, it’s on my back, disguised as a proton pack!”

“Good. Anyway, that’s not the reason I called. They say Jade should wake up soon!” It’s not a complete lie.

“Oh, good! And Dave?”

“Not yet, but the doctor says he’s just catching up on sleep.”

“Hey Rose, tell him about our wild time last night!” Dave whispers loudly.

You decide to play along. “No Dave, I am not telling him about our wild night! Excuse me, John, I have an idiot to deal with, please come soon!” you sing-song, hanging up. That will surely rustle his jimmies. “I have to check on Jade now, so be ready in five.”

He gives you a thumbs-up. “Aye, aye, captain.”

You nod and exit carefully. Betty Crocker was nowhere to be found, but you sneak to Jade’s room ninja-style anyway. You slowly push open the door and see her rubbing her eyes.

“She has arisen!” you exclaim.

-Earlier that morning…-

Betty Crocker: Visit Jade.

This is easier said than done. For two days now, you have been assalted with interviews and meddling reporters. How they found out about a top-secret invitation-only event you will never know. You’re beginning to think someone is trying to sabotage your time. Without Rose, your job has been a lot harder. You don’t need anyone except Rose. She will never stop working for you, you will make sure of it. One of the jobs you have given her is to be a sit-in bodyguard while you sent the applicants through a series of rigorous interviews and training. The same went for searching for a suitor, but you have already chosen one from the beginning: someone from whose blood ties you can manipulate. However, you didn’t expect to need a bodyguard so quickly, especially since you now realize that the cullprit is the same person who had attacked you ten earth years ago. After you visit Jade, he will have his comeuppance.

Your first stop is the flower shop. Humans have the tendensea to buy these things that die after a week for each other when they are ailed. Of course, on your planet, these same ailing individuals would be culled on the spot, rendered useless and dealt with. For once, you are glad you are not on your planet, and that Jade is not a troll. You still have to make this ridiculous purchase, though.

“I need the largest arrangement you have,” you order the human at the counter.

The nervous cashier just stares at you, frozen in place. You tap your foot impatiently as the seconds tick by ever-so-slowly. At least three minutes pass by before she even blinks. You’re considering giving her a piece of your thinkpan and making sure this small business tanks when another shorter female in a green-stained apron emerges from the back room and shoves the tall, lanky one out of the way.

“I apologize madam,” she says. “She is new and doesn’t speak much. We are not used to such high-end customers such as yourself.” She gestures at you with both hands. You’re not sure whether to take this as a compliment or an insult. You cross your arms and she gets the picture. “All right, then, would you like one type or a variety?”

“What would suffice for visiting someone who is infected and in the hospital?” you ask.

“Well, I would make sure that they are not allergic to pollen first,” she suggests.

“She’s not.” At least, you assume so.

“A she then?”

“My granddaughter.”

She looks at you incredulously. She waves it off and continues prodding. “Then you want a variety. I will have our largest arrangement complete in about half an hour. Can you wait that long?”

“Yes,” you reply sternly.

“Okay, I need you to pay in advance.”

“No problem.” She leads you to the cash register and you pay for it without hesitation.

“Would you like to fill out a card?”

“That won’t be necessary.” She gives you that look again. She doesn’t bother asking any more annoying inquiries and hands you the receipt. “I will wait here.”

She drags the nervous broad into the back room and you hear arguing between three women. Their manager must be back there. You feel her pain, being a boss yourself.

True to their clams, they return in half an hour with your order. You book it to your car, ordering the driver to the hospital. You don’t waste any time once you arrive. Rose informed you of Jade’s room number when she was released from emergensea care yesterday morning. A few simple signs later, you reach the hallway. You bump into one person you forgot to expect.

Betty: Confront Rose.

“What are you doing here?” you ask. She looks up at you. “There is still work to be done at the company.” You want to remind her that she still has obligations to uphold.

“I am on leave,” she states. You can tell she is controlling her temper. Funny, you didn’t even know she had emotions besides obedience.

“You don’t have that privilege. There is no one to replace you.”

“I will finish the work later. Now if you will excuse me,” she says, pushing past you. Fortunately for her, she avoids the flowers. “I am famished and need nourishment. You know, to _live_.” How dare she mock your diet. It’s not your fault that humans are so weak that they need to nourish themselves three times a day.

“Insolent little human,” you mutter, just loud enough for her to hear. You sneer as she passes.  You know that your now-strained relationship with Rose will affect how Jade will see you, and you are temporarily civil with John, but…

Wait. When did you start caring about these things? A flash of Jake and Jane come across your thought process, but you shake away the memory and continue on to Jade’s room. The nurse at the main station recognizes you and doesn’t bother to interrupt.

You push it open only to find her still sleeping soundly. Something in your chest contracts when you see her connected to machines with wires and tubes. She looked so kelpless. Helpless. You can’t stand to see such weak creatures. In spite of these unwanted feelings, you know that she can heal. Maybe you should attempt to convert humans to the hemospectrum, just to give them hyper-healing abilities. But only for some. Others, like the poorest of the poor, would retain the rust in their veins. This must be a thing, you decide.

Tearing your gaze away, you look around to see where you can put this leviathan-sized bouquet. You heard somewhere that even dead plants need the sun, so you put it on the sill quietly. There is no use talking to someone who in unable to listen, so you turn to leave. She groans behind you, but it could be a night-terror, so you stay for a bit, sitting uncomfortably in the cushioned chair beside her.

Betty: Find Jack Noir.

You tear yourself away and make your way to the nurse’s station and ask for where they are keeping the John Doe they picked up two days ago. The nurse nervously looks it up and tells you he’s being held in the lockdown wing, where they keep criminals. So he survived this long. You then ask where the mayor’s secretary is being held. The nurse answers that she is recovering from a terrible concussion in a different part of the hospital and could be released by the end of the day. Good.

You turn on your heel and find the secretary first. You realized a long time ago that the mayor was not human. You kept your eye on him, just in case he was sinister, but he turned out to be one who did not wish to harm a single cuttlefish. He was not a threat, so you lost interest. However, you did notice that the delivery woman on your office floor was not human, either. You hired a private detective and he reported that she and Rose had a direct delivery relationship. He never disclosed the final destination, but he did say it was secret enough that the woman never budged. Instead of executing her for attempting to steal Betty Crocker secrets, you simply made her an offer she couldn’t refuse: a career-change to the mayor’s secretary. After further investigation, you find that the pale aliens can hold grudges for centuries.

“Hello again,” you say after finding her room. Her roommate is a human, snoring the day away.

She doesn’t reply, instead looking out the window.

“It is completely understandable if you do not want to speak to me, but I have something else you want.” You slip her a photo of the mayor. She turns and sees it. Water comes to her eyes. You turn to leave. But before you abscond, you give her some final words. “What is on the flip side is in your best interest.” You give a small smirk and leave the room.

-And now to someone who is just waking up!-

Jack: Wake.

Ugh, why do you feel like someone threw a brick at your head, and the rest of the house landed on you?

Opening your eyes—Shit! This is worse than the worst hangover. You don’t want to wake up anymore. You really hate life right now. The room is too bright and you can hear someone in the next room procreating with himself.

A soft knock sounds like a bulldozer.

“Go away!” you yell. You want to flip over, but both of your arms are handcuffed to whatever bed you’re sleeping on. You open your eyes anyway, confirming your situation. You’re in a hospital bed, bandages everywhere, plastic sticking you in odd places… and handcuffs. Great. How are you going to defend yourself if you can’t get to your—

That’s right. That stupid girl took your ring and threw it away. Now you _really_ want to stab something.

You hear keys, clicking, and the door opening. Looking over, it is a woman in a hospital gown. You’re squinting your eyes in the not-really-bright-but-too-bright-for-you light, so you don’t know if you know her or not.

“You,” she accuses. No.

“Me?” you ask. No way. It’s that Prospitian female that seems to be everywhere lately.

“You!” she yells, lunging at you.

“Fuck!” you yell. You try to protect yourself, but the handcuffs fail to prevent her beating the shit out of you.

Damn, your last words should have been something other than “fuck”. You really wanted to apologize to Derse, your dead planet, but it’s too late. You failed your mission. Not even a hospital can save you now.

Betty Crocker: Tie up loose ends.

You head back to Jade’s room completely satisfied. You need her to accept living with you. You hired a team of humans working painstakingly around the clock to set up her floor, which happens to be right below your penthouse hive. Rose designed the floor plans, set up all of the latest technologies, troll and human, all to Jade’s interests, all with the Crocker Corps. insignia, of course.

You’re about to knock when you see the door slightly ajar. By what you can see through the crack, Jade is not inside. This means she is awake! There are a pair of nurses at a cart, trying to peer into the room next door. Perhaps they have sean where she went. You approach them.

“Hey, go, go, go!” one whispers to the other when she spots you. She’s the same nurse at the desk before, the one with the red-rimmed glasses. She pulls her long-haired friend by the elbow, who silently reaches out with her other arm to grip something, but stops as soon as she sees you. They both take off in two separate directions. You are now positive they don’t want you to see something in this room.

Trying not to seathe, you grip the door handle and silently open the door. It’s dark inside, but your eyes immediately adjust. On the bed lies two very familiar figures on top of each other, deep in a sloppy makeout session. Your blood-pusher does that thing again where it reacts to feelings that, if you were to give them a color, would be very green, with a pinch of platonic black.

You silently pad behind them, using the darkness and the rapidly beeping heart machine as a cover.

Betty: Interrupt.

Dave Strider seems to notice you first. “Jade!” he warns. “Look behind you.”

She complies, then gasps. “Grandma!” She scrambles off of him, careful not to sit on the things plugged into his veins.

You’re not sure whether to be angry or sad. You run with the former.

“Jade,” you say softly. “What is going on here?”

“It’s—I – uh,” she stammers. Dave raises an arm to rub hers. _Don’t touch her, filthy human!_ She seams to take comfort in it and takes a deep breath before speaking. “It is exactly what it looks like.” She has so much resolve. Just like when Jake ran away all those years ago.

“Come, Jade, you do not need this human,” you say, offering her your hand. “You know I have someone planned for you.”

“Why?” she asks. Ah, the question of the sweep. You don’t want to explain to her that you want to monopolize her and keep control of her life as long as she lives. You’re not giving her away after all of these years without her. Humans don’t last long, and you don’t want to miss another moment. With a suitor of your choice replacing Dave, you can ensure to never miss a day. You’ll go with the second part.

“I have spent so long without you, and now I want to spend the rest of your life with me!” It comes out a little rushed and more angry than you expected. You grip the portable liquid machine attached to Jade and grasp her hand. “Come with me.” This will NOT happen _AGAIN_.

She yanks her hand away, nearly falling over. Dave steadies her and again her face flushes red. You grit your teeth and she asks you something you don’t want to answer. “What happened to my parents? I know they’re dead, but I want to know your side of the story.” Dave rubs her back.

You avoid the question. “Jade, I am checking you out now, and we are going to your new home!”

Jade looks you dead in the eye. “Either you tell me or I’ll ask John to.”

Oh, shell no.

John and Rose come in, giggling, and then stop, assumingly when they see you.

Shell fucking no.

They turn on the light, illuminating something you never wanted Jade to see. Both Jade and Dave widen their eyes. Jade’s expression softens and she stands up. This is exactly what happened twenty years ago, except there are witnesses. She reaches up to your face, but she can’t quite reach, so you bend down on one knee. You’re now shorter than her, and you feel like a wriggler again. She wipes away the clear, fuchsia-tinted liquid from your eyes and wraps her arms around your head, smothering you in her chest. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you remember Rose once told you: When you try to take complete control of something or someone, you will lose them forever. Once. You can’t remember the rest.

But it does teach you something.

“I’m sorry, Grandma Betty,” she whispers. “I’ll still come and visit sometimes.” You can’t help but embrace her as well, reaching around her torso gently. She lays her head on top of yours and strokes your locks. You smell the unmistakable aroma of salty tears before you feel them drip onto your scalp.

You need to get out of here. You have work to do back at the company. You can’t handle tears. These feelings that trolls of your stature are not meant to have—and you still firmly believe that. It was a mistake to have wards in the first place. A mistake to take Jake and Jane. A mistake to let them be together and procreate. You want to see Jade as a mistake, too, but you don’t. It will come with time, you determine. You didn’t expect to have these feelings. It wasn’t only the desire to manipulate. It was a spark you didn’t mean to let grow into a fire, and you detest fire. You are going to put it out once and for all.

You push her away and stand to your full height. Your horns would have impaled the ceiling if they weren’t already filed down. Now your eyes are dry. They leave a pair of colored stains on her gown.

You have a new resolve. You don’t need an heiress, since there is no one on this planet to challenge you for your throne. You are going to outlive about one-hundred percent of everyone living on this tiny rock right now.

Glancing around, you realize you don’t need any of them. Except Rose. You put on your sweetest face. This will be the last lie you ever tell.

“Do what you want to, Jade,” you say, looking down your nose at them all. “You are obligation-free.” You turn to Rose, who is currently holding John’s hand tightly. “Take the rest of the week off. Return on Monday, ready to finish the work I have been piling for you.”

“Madam, isn’t it Sunday?” she asks sarcastically.

You just smile in response.

Her eye twitches.

Do you care? Nope.

“I will see you tomorrow then,” she says, bowing her head.

“Now if you will excuse me,” you order. Rose pulls John aside and lets you pass. You grip the handle, hesitating to open the door, and resisting all temptoceans to see Jade one last time. You open the door and don’t look back. The door closes, but your sensitive ears hear a collective sigh of relief from that room. Good.

 

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just kidding, there's an epilogue~  
> (Also, I am not late, for it is still currently Monday in Hawaii.)


	17. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, guys  
> We made it  
> The final installation :33  
> It's been a long 13 months in the making  
> I just love this story so much, and I just wanted to say...  
> Enjoy!

Waves softly hit the shoreline on the tiny forest-covered island. Kanaya worked hard to keep Jaya’s garden intact, with help from Aradia. The energetic twelve-year-old had discovered it while playing hide-and-seek with the other grubs. Karkat had been searching for them, or so they thought, but really just abandoned them after a few minutes, so Aradia went adventuring instead. She showed Kanaya and now they both take care of it. Aradia kept the weeds and twigs and rocks out while Kanaya fertilized the soil and harvested the fruits and flowers.

Aradia herself went every day to make sure none of the wildlife ruined it. She could tell Jaya loved it, so she loved it, too. Early in the morning, she would wake up before anyone else, sneak past her sleeping guardians, and see how the plants were doing.

Today, however, she was interrupted by the sound of Vriska’s motor boat tearing across the water at high speed. She sighs, sad that she will never really get a good chance to explore the world off of the island. She really wanted to. She shook away the painful memories of trying to remove her horns as Vriska frantically tied her boat and charged uphill through the trees and up the path to their home.

“Move it, twerp!” she yelled, waving her hand. In it was a crumpled envelope. Aradia dodged Vriska just in time as she nearly ripped the door off its hinges. She’s usually more calm than this. The garden can wait a couple hours. Aradia followed her inside.

Karkat’s yelling echoed throughout the halls, obviously towards Vriska, waking up the whole island from their slumbers. Nepeta meandered in from across the hall, on edge from being rudely woken up from a cat nap. Something about opening mail without permission. Vriska yelled back and Karkat stopped. Aradia crept through the halls quietly to get a better listen.

“It’s from Jaya!” Kanaya remarked. “Why were you in such a hurry to get this to us? You don’t usually care about her well-being, Vriska.”

“I know!” she exasperated. “But then I saw this!” More crinkling of paper. Aradia put her ear against the door to Kanaya and Karkat’s respiteblock. She heard Karkat mumbling.

“Holy fucking shitstains!” Karkat yelled after a few seconds of silence. She can imagine him throwing his hands in the air.

“We have to share this with the rest of the family,” Kanaya resolved. Without so much as a moment to spare, Aradia raced back to her bed and pretends to sleep, as if she had never awoken. Kanaya quickly padded over through the doorless sleeping quarters and to Aradia, shaking her shoulder. “Aradia, wake up your siblings, we must share something with everyone.”

“Okay.” She sat up and rubbed her eyes sleepily.

“And drop the sleepiness, I know you are up every morning to tend to Jaya’s garden.” She winked. Aradia flushed with embarrassment, but did as she was told. She is left to wonder what the letter is about.

Twenty minutes later, everyone assembled in the open living space, the oldest trolls on chairs, the grubs on the old-fashioned couch with holes, and the middle ones on the floor. The smaller grubs kept getting their feet stuck in the holes, so the middle ones, such as Aradia, had to help hold them. Kanaya even held one. Karkat yelled for their attention and read the letter aloud, imitating Jaya’s higher-pitched voice.

“dear family,  
“how have you all been? i miss everyone so much! life has been hectic over here on the mainland since i left. i have met so many different kinds of people and had a lot of fun, but a lot of sad times, too.  
“i have to say first that im sorry for not going to work at the factory like karkat and kanaya told me to. i had a run-in with a mysterious animal friend and got distracted… but in the end it really was my decision not to go.  
“anyway, i got my memories back! isnt that exciting?! (SHE PUT A “:D” IN THERE. NO, I’M NOT READING IT THAT WAY.)  
“along the way, i met john and dave, and john ended up being my twin brother! my own blood relations!! dave, though… ill explain that later.  
“we went across the country, all the way to new york city! it was so much fun! there are a LOT of humans there, and i dont think karkat would enjoy it very much. (DAMN STRAIGHT.) (Just Read It Karkat) also, i found out that i was actually the sole heiress to betty crocker corps.! there were many misadventures, too, and i dont want to worry you with the details. im okay now, and thats all that matters! :)  
“it also turns out that my grandmother is actually a troll, just like you guys. now thats a real coincidence, i think. she also removes her horns to camouflage. shes been here for a while, and she started the company when she arrived, which on earth was almost a hundred years ago. (SHUT THE HELL UP, I’M TRYING TO READ!) she also has fuchsia colored blood, if that matters at all.  
“rose is trying to take over the company, apparently, since my grandmother isnt very nice, and from what john has told me, was responsible for killing my birth mother. i dont hate her, because she did seem to like me, but i dont think i can ever forgive her, either. rose is her secretary, another friend i made when i arrived in the big city. she and john really like each other, and i think are next. (NEXT IN WHAT?)(Karkat Please Continue)  
“and speaking of really liking, i really like dave! on the way back, we went and got human eloped! (WHAT THE HELL? KANAYA, IS THERE SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?! STOP SMILING LIKE THAT, YOU’RE FREAKING ME OUT. AND ON THE WAY BACK WHERE?)(Keep Reading Karkat Its There) i sent the letter ahead so you could have time to make room for us when get there in—”

Karkat threw down the letter, exploding. “WHY THE HELL IS SHE COMING HERE?!” Kanaya tried to calm him down, but picked up the letter from the ground first, putting it in her pocket.

“Karkat, please calm down, you’re scaring the grubs,” she coaxes, papping his face and chest. The wigglers sat petrified, having never seen Karkat so angry before. He stopped waving his arms and she put a hand on each side of his face. “There is no reason to be angry! She is simply coming home for a visit with her friend, that’s all.” She gave him a soft kiss.

He stood there, face flushing a deep red with wide eyes and a spacey look.

“I will finish reading the letter, okay?” she said, holding the letter up between their faces. “You will also have to take Meenah here.” She bends down to pick up the snarling and snapping wiggler and shoves her into his arms, forcing him to sit down.

“i sent the letter ahead so you could have time to make room for us when get there in three days, which is saturday!  
“we are only staying for a week, so make my room ready for me again! (but make it private because we want to sleep alone and away from everyone else, okay?)  
“love, jade (my real name!!! :D)  
“P.S.: aradia can have my garden after i get back. ill show her how to take care of it and everything”

Aradia immediately asked a question.

“Does this mean we can leave the island?” she asked.

“Unfortunately, no,” Kanaya answered. A collective groan is heard around the room. She quieted everyone and explained. “We were looking for trolls on this planet, which is why we sent Jaya away, who is actually named Jade, to go investigate. But now, I do not think it is such a good idea. It was taught that she was menacing on our planet before she disappeared.” She paused, as if remembering a painful memory. She sighed, turning to take Meenah back, who screeched at her, clutching to Karkat’s arm possessively. She finally let go after some scolding. “Karkat?”

“Yeah.” He stood back up, clearing his throat. “We pretty much can’t escape this planet since our transportation was destroyed, and even our trips to the mainland have to be carefully monitored from now on.” He thought about Gamzee, who was busy selling pirated goods that Vriska had won in illegal gaming. Is that asshole even still alive? Karkat tried not to dwell on his missing ex-moirail. Thankfully, Kanaya had been there to try to quell his bouts of frustration. She’s the only one he can stand in this entire god-forsaken universe. In any case, Gamzee will need to be informed on the next trip out, if he doesn’t know already.

Karkat met Aradia’s gaze and instantly regretted it. She had always wanted to get off the island, but now knows she never can. He’ll have to monitor her as well. She is known to pull fast ones while he’s not looking.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the ferry ride to a familiar rendezvous island off the coast of Washington state, stands a couple of smiling dorks holding hands.

“I’m thinking of changing my last name,” Jade commented randomly.

“Really?” Dave replied, obviously faking his boredom. “Are you sure?”

“Well, my mom did when she moved,” she reasoned, shrugging.

“Please don’t tell me you’re changing it to Egbert, because I’ll have something to say about that.”

“No, not Egbert! ‘Jade Egbert’ is just silly,” she giggled. “Something not ‘Crocker’, because ‘Jade Crocker’ just sounds awkward now.”

Don’t say Strider, don’t say Strider, please say Strider. “So, what do you have in mind?” He nudged her lightly with his shoulder, and she looked down.

She tilted her head toward him and turned a light red. “Well, I do have one… in mind…” She looked down with her eyes bashfully. “It’s kind of embarrassing, really.” She looked away, unsure how to tell him.

“Come on, tell me,” he whined, leaning on her and drawing out the “e”.

“Oh my god, Dave!” she laughed. “You’re going to make us fall!” She pushed up against him but the gravity is just too much to handle. “Okay, okay! Uncle, uncle!”

He immediately straightened back up. “Jade Uncle? That’s even worse than ‘Egbert’,” he deadpanned.

“Shut up, that’s not it either!” She took a deep breath, looking ahead. “I was thinking of…”

Strider?

“Harley.”

Damn. “ ‘Jade Harley’.” He paused to consider it, stroking his chin. “It has a ring to it. I’m itching to know why, though.”

“Why not?” It’s a cool name, she thought. “I remember seeing it somewhere when I still lived in that absurd mansion on the hill back there. Or something spelled like it. I can’t remember exactly what is was, though; I was only six. Maybe it was a pet’s name.” She shrugged. “No matter what it actually was, I’m going with ‘Harley’ and sticking to it!”

“Okay.” He mirrored her.

“What, did you think I was going to say Strider?” she teased.

“What? No.”

“I don’t believe you.” She stared up at his face and watched as it turn a deeper shade of red when she grasped his hand again. Smiling, she leaned up against him like a cheesy romance movie, but she doesn’t care.

“So, _Harley_.” Dave cleared his throat, looking out to the distance through his sunglasses. “We’re finally going to this fucking place, huh?” There’s nothing really to see at all. Mist hovered over every square inch of the water’s surface.

Jade slapped him on the arm with the hand not holding his, which had healed up almost completely in the two weeks since they were discharged.

“Hey! I’m still sore!” he laughed.

“Careful what you say about my hometown!” she warned. “Home island?” she asked herself. “I don’t really know what to call it besides ‘my island’!” Leaning against his arm, she rubbed it tenderly and smiled. There really is no better place to be than right here, Jade thought. She squeezed his hand and laced her fingers through his.

“It’s adorable,” Dave commented.

“What is?”

“The way you talk about your island.”

Jade blushed. “You know what’s even more adorable?”

“Your face without those dumb shades.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“It’s true, though!” She snuck her other hand along his arm.

“Shut up. And don’t think I can’t see that hand.”

Jade retracted her arm behind her. “What hand?”

Dave turned his head down to hers. Jade can barely make out those brilliant fiery eyes behind them. He smirked. “You know which hand.”

“Oh, you mean this one?” She pulled it up, preparing a high-five. He has no time to fall for it as she snatched his sunglasses off and folded them with one hand.

“Hey, give ‘em back!” he retorted amusedly, reaching for them with his free hand.

Jade held them away from him, just out of his reach, smiling evilly. “Come on, you can do better than that, coolkid!”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He responded by sweeping her off her feet, quite literally, spinning in place. She squealed and laughed, still holding the glasses in her hand and hanging on his arms. Her hair flows behind her, and she leaned in to wrap her arms around his neck, touching her forehead to his in the process.

“I’m getting dizzy, Dave!”

“I don’t care!” He slowed to a stop and held her closer, bringing her in for a kiss. They both close their eyes and wait for the foghorn to signal their arrival, or at least a parent or two telling them to cease for fear of scarring their children for life with their public display of never-ending affections.


End file.
